Denver @ Baltimore -3.5
Tony: There has been some chatter this week about how Ray Lewis could have ended up a Bronco after free agency but talks never progressed and they signed Dawkins instead. It makes me sad to think about Lewis as a Donkey because I would have had to give up football entirely. Imagine the team meeting where Lewis is like, “Hey, thanks for the warm welcome. Yeah, I wanted to ask you guys, you may have seen how I do this thing before each game where I come out of the tunnel and get the crowd fired up by acting like if the Karate Kid had been a Polynesian tribal dancer. That’s still cool, right?” Ugh. Donkos.
Dick: Sooner or later the wheels have to come off the Donkey Express, right? I feel like I am watching Kevin Costner deliver the mail and I want someone to just shoot me in my sleep because waking up and seeing Josh McDaniels with an undefeated record defies logic and all that is right with the universe. Isn’t there some sort of mathematical equation or theorem or something that proves what we already know: That he is simply a lucky fuck and the equivalent of Forrest Gump as a shrimp boat captain in the real world. I want to die. Ravens, just to spite this fuck.
Sax: This is getting embarrassing. I am fucking 12-16. Honestly, I would feel like an idiot if I continued to offer “analysis” as though I wasn’t getting my ass kicked week after week. It would be like Matt Millen offering NFL analysis week after week on an NFL TV show… oh wait. In my defense, this isn’t a gambling column, we just use the spreads as a vehicle to talk about the four biggest games every week, because it would be boring if the 4 of us just loaded up on the Colts and Saints and whoever was playing the Raiders and Rams week after week. I’m tempted to just make fun of athlete’s names in lieu of trying to justify my picks in an effort to get black people to stop making up names out of whole cloth, but that is the coward’s way out. I will stick around for my weekly ritual humiliation, because I’m a professional. I’m taking Baltimore, because I remember a certain undefeated squad rolling in there 2 years ago and losing (okay, they didn’t lose, but they should have). The Ravens get pumped for these types of game at home, and they fucking NEED a win because of Cincinatti’s unexpected rise, whereas the Broncos are probably getting a little cocky and don’t need a fucking thing because their division is an abortion clinic dumpster.
NY Giants @ Philadelphia pk
Tony: Hey, did you guys know the NFC East is the toughest conference in football? I like how the Iggles still start McNabb every week. It’s like when you’re golfing and you’re playing like shit and you start to get really frustrated, contemplating the futility of spending all that time and money on an activity that is so profoundly infuriating, and you walk up to the ball for a second shot after some piddly 90-yard shank drive and without pausing to get set you take your 3-wood and swing as hard as you can and somehow the ball ends up 10 feet from the cup and at the end of the day that’s the only shot you remember even though you shot a 105 and you end up out there a couple weeks later doing it all over again because you’re an idiot. That’s the Eagles. Giants.
Dick: How can there not be a spread on this? Seriously, there has to be a one-point swing by Sunday, but since some cunt at Caesar’s is about to lose his job because the Rams can’t cover we get this sort of bullshit. Anyways, Todd Flanders is going through a rough patch and Don McNabb shook off the bad karma of trying to get his arms all the way around JaMarcus Russell’s waist in a pregame hug by beating, ahem, the Redskins. Give me the Giants. Why, why, why do I do this? This is the worst game to pick this week because both teams hate themselves and seem to want to lose. Okay, Giants, and I really mean it. Sax, kill me.
Minnesota @ Green Bay -3
Tony: I think Green Bay is in for a bitter, deflating afternoon. I know they want Favre to come in and melt under a mix of nostalgia and shame, but if this season has taught us anything, it’s that Bart Faver cares about no one but himself. I think he will handle Sunday’s unusual circumstances with no issues. Also he’s like a kid out there. Also, Green Bay’s O-line is shredded and Aaron Rodgers is going to spend the day giving Jared Allen mustache rides. Vikes.
Dick: The Vikings are really good and the Packers just had live scrimmages against the Browns and Lions and since the snow has not started falling in Wisconsin and Brett Favre is really, really pissed at Ted Thompson, the Vikings will win because Green Bay cannot stop him and Adrian Peterson at the same time because the Packers are just not three points better. I know this. I really, really do.
Sax: A normal person might be a little shaken by returning to what was his home stadium for 38 years to face thousands of bitter fans who might never forgive him for his defection to a division rival, but I think we’re all starting to realize that Brett Favre has more than a little Roger Clemens in him and doesn’t give a fuck. The bottom line is, Minnesota was the better team last week and should be undefeated right now. They will beat the shit out of the Packers.
Atlanta @ New Orleans -10
Tony: It would be foolish not to pick the Saints in this game. Falcons.
Dick: Ten points? Why not 20, Vegas? Have you seen Drew Brees and his “hair” lately? They’re at home! Have you seen their defense? I mean, Atlanta’s no slouch, but New Orleans puts up 34 points before they even get morning wood. I’ll take New Orleans along with a “new” house in the Lower Ninth Ward while I’m at it, bitches.
1. Tony (18-10) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (13-15) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (12-16) (0-4 last week)