RUTHLESS NFL PICK-OFF: WEEK NINE

Baltimore @ Cincinnati +3

Tony:
I don’t think Baltimore is as good as their victory over Denver last week and it seems like things are continuing to gel for Cincinnati. Cincinnati.

Cincinnati_Bengals_Helmet

Dick:
Four of Cincinnati’s wins are flukes while two of Balimore’s losses (including one to Cincy) are flukes, so the law of averages has to come into play making Baltimore the winner, right? Because even though Cincinnati is putting together a pretty impressive run, the Ravens feel like they should be 6-1 or 7-0 and after demolishing Denver, they have to be looking at Cincy like that creepy Cuban guy from Bang Brothers looks at 18-year-old girls.

Baltimore_Ravens_Helmet

Sax: I spent the first half of the season picking against the Giants because I was convinced they were mediocre at best and I got my ass kicked. Then I finally gave in and started picking them and they dropped 3 in a row and I got my ass kicked. I’m not making the same mistake with Cincy. I am also sticking to my guns with my belief that Baltimore is really fucking good. I love Flacco, I love their defense. Make no mistake, Cincy will win this game, because I suck ass at this, but I’m taking Bodymore.

Baltimore_Ravens_Helmet

Miami @ New England -10.5

Tony:
I have never had any love for Miami and all of a sudden I kind of like them. Also, fuck Sax. Miami.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Dick:
Vegas is starting to figure things out because Miami in New England in November seems pretty brutal considering that the Pats seem to be hitting their stride and the Dolphins could not protect a 20-something point lead against New Orleans and a 10-plus spread seems justified. However, the Pats are terrible against the run and that is all the Dolphins do well. New Enlgland wins, but by no more than seven.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Sax:
I know this is a November road game in the northeast for Miami, but I’m sitting about half an hour from Foxboro right now and it’s 60 degrees and sunny. I can’t figure Miami out. They clearly could have won against Indy and the Saints, the 2 best teams in the league, but once is a fluke and twice is a pattern, so maybe they are just prone to shitting the bed. On the other hand, I don’t see why everyone’s doubts about the Pats should be erased by them shellacking 2 ridiculously terrible teams. I’d be inclined to just take the points, but I feel like this game is going one of two ways- either the Pats are for real and they win by more than 11, or they are still the same mess that nearly lost to Baltimore and lost to Denver and Miami beats them because their defense, unlike those of Tennessee and Tampa Bay, actually exists. I’m taking the Pats, so everyone reading this should bet their house on Miami.

New_England_Patriots_Helmet

Dallas @ Philadelphia -3

Tony:
I really don’t care one way or the other about Philly and we all know how I feel about Dallas. Philly.

Philadelphia_Eagles_Helmet

Dick:
Roy Williams is a clown, runs shitty routes, and walks through plays he’s not involved in. Tony Romo is gutless and wilts under intense competition, especially when he has tough games on the road. Wade Phillips is retarded and should not be a head coach in the NFL. Philadelphia has the most underrated quarterback of the last 15 years, is coming off a thrashing of the Giants, and looking to put the NFC East in a stranglehold. Even though their coach is a fat Mormon who is failing with this Michael Vick experiment, the Eagles will win by a lot.

Philadelphia_Eagles_Helmet

Sax: Westbrook is out, and I just can’t trust Philly after that loss to Oakland. As much as I don’t want to, I’m still picking them, because they are at home and Wade Phillips wears adult diapers. Why the fuck is Dallas in the NFC East? By the way, nice effort this week, Tony.

Philadelphia_Eagles_Helmet

Pittsburgh @ Denver +3

Tony:
I wish this spread was much larger so I could at least pick Denver to cover. Really, though, there’s no way I can’t pick Denver, so I’ll save the keystrokes. Denver.

Denver_Broncos_Helmet

Dick:
Denver is a lot better than everyone expected because of their defense and the fact that Kyle Orton is playing in an offensive system that doesn’t ask him to chuck the ball 50 yards downfield to no one. But Baltimore exposed a few chinks in their armor last week, including Denver’s lack of imagination and a propensity to rely on the other team making mistakes. Pittsburgh is minus-three in turnovers (even with the flukes against Minnesota) and even though their blitz packages wreak havoc, they will be facing the dirtiest offensive line in football. I hate myself and want to die because I am taking Denver.

Denver_Broncos_Helmet

Sax:
Even though I dutifully ate some humble ass pie after the Donks beat the Patriots, I never really bought Denver as an elite team. I think they’ll still easily win their joke of a division and make the playoffs, but I think it’s clear that they aren’t quite on the level of the elite teams in the league. However, I’m not too sure the Steelers are one of those elite teams, and I worry about Ben Roethlisberger wheezing in the mile-high air because he’s the fattest quarterback ever and the Steelers all form a circle before every game and insert buttplugs into each other. This is why I hate doing this pick-off, because I would never bet money on this game in a million years, but since it’s a BIG-TIME MONDAY NIGHT SHOWDOWN, I’m forced to pretend I have any idea what the fuck is going to happen. Sigh… Steelers. Mostly because I hate Tony.

Pittsburgh_Steelers_Helmet

Standings
1. Tony (19-13) (1-3 last week)
2. Dick (14-18) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (13-19) (1-3 last week)

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