Tennessee @ Indianapolis -6.5
Tony: It’s currently after 11PM on Saturday night and I am just now typing these picks to send to Sax, which is to say, who gives a fuck about this shit anymore? Uh … Vince Young is better than Tom Collins, but neither are better than Rod Flanders. Colts.
Dick: The Vince Young Rehab Express keeps on chugging along. I don’t know if he is bipolar or suicidal or what, but it sort of seems like he finally figured out that you can’t just run around and win games and that veiled suicide threats are really dumb and childish and decided to, like, learn how to play quarterback. Yes, he carved up Arizona and looked the Blue Fairy made him a real, live quarterback, but their defense is a colander, so I am far from impressed. However, they do have Chris Johnson, and he’s fucking amazing. if Young is just competent, that guy can break the game open. The Colts… are lucky. With all the injuries they’ve suffered they should have at least one or two losses, but Houston is gutless, Baltimore simply blew it, and Flanders is as clutch as Romo is choke. The Colts win a really tough one, but by no more than four.
Sax: The Colts keep pulling close wins out of their ass, they can’t sustain that for an entire season, the Titans are hungry/desperate, and this spread is too big. On the other hand, Vince Young vindicates all practitioners of phrenology. Still, this spread is too much. Titans.
Philadelphia @ Atlanta +5.5
Tony: Mike Vick returns to Atlanta. White people are pissed. Black people are stoked. Given the injuries Atlanta is dealing with, I’m surprised this line isn’t bigger. I can’t not pick the Falcons because Arty Blank reads this site, so … Falcons.
Dick: Don McNabb is really, really good. He’s been carrying the Eagles for years while idiots in Philly boo him, fat fuck Andy Reid drafts his replacement, and Rush Limbaugh keeps intimating that he’s taking a job from some phantom white man who is infinitely more qualified. He’s going to put on a fucking clinic in Atlanta. Did I mention that I used to work with McNabb’s center at Syracuse? He said he used to fart on McNabb’s hands just before snapping the ball to lighten him up. Anyone who can handle a white men passing gas on him during a football game can handle a measly 5.5-point spread. Eagles all the way, bitches.
Dick: Vegas originally set the line on this one at two and I wondered why it was not multiplied by 10. Seriously, have you seen the Vikings this year? They are shitting all over teams. Didn’t you just see the Cardinals just lose to Vince Young in the fourth quarter? Oh wait, I really think Kurt Warner (and his 18th concussion) can avoid the Vikings pass rush and keep them in the game or even win because Larry Fitzgerald is Jehova at split end. Come on. And I don’t want to hear this nonsense about Adrian Peterson fumbling too much or that the Vikings have beaten a bunch of teams with losing records. Fumbles don’t mean shit when you hang 30 points a game on teams from Green Bay to Detroit to Baltimore to, yes, Arizona. There are only three really good teams in the NFL and the Cardinals are not one of them. Take this gift from Vegas.
Sax: Normally, I would be all set to take the Vikings here, but when Dick starts describing a line as a, “gift from Vegas,” it gives me pause, since he is, after all, an idiot. Still, there’s no fucking way I can pick against the Vikes with a spread that low.
Dallas @ NY Giants +2.5
Tony: It feels like all four AFC East teams play each other every single weekend. Yawn. Giants. (Editor’s Note: I think Tony meant “NFC East,” but I’m leaving that in there as punishment for his poor effort this week.)
Dick: The Cowboys are going to destroy the Giants. Not because they are all that much better, but the Giants have been decimated by injuries and have gone from 5-0 to a massively depressing 6-5. The Cowboys are healthy and have maybe the fourth or fifth best offense in football. The Giants defense gives up 31 points-per-game, Antonio Pierce is out for the season, Eli Manning’s feet are fucked up, and Tony Romo is desperate to shed his choker/pussy label. Dallas by a lot.
Sax: Nothing makes me happier than the return to mediocrity of Eli and the Giants. I can handle one retarded Southerner who donates to Fred Thompson and is in all likelihood a creationist routinely laying waste to the entire league, but not two, especially when they are brothers. The weather does give me pause, as the Cowboys are from Texas and Tony Romo is Mexican, but Eli Manning sucks.
1. Tony (27-20) (3-0-1 last week)
2. Dick (25-22) (3-0-1 last week)
2. Sax (21-26) (2-1-1 last week)
Note: We are just ignoring the push from last week in the overall standings, because it is annoying to type out three numbers for the rest of the year.