RUTHLESS NFL PICK-OFF: WEEK SIXTEEN

Texans Colts Football

Houston @ Miami -3

Tony: Nice try, Sax. Like I’m going to spend any energy trying to pick this piece of shit. Miami will win this game by 24.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Dick: Houston is talented, dynamic, and young, but also incredibly inconsistent and unreliable. Andre Johnson is making noise about bailing if the Texans don’t make the playoffs. Even though the Dolphins have been reduced to Ricky Williams and a cloud of dust, they have better coaching than the Texans and play every game as if Bill Parcells will personally castrate them if they take a play off. Dolphins.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Sax: Kubiak is done. Sparano is not. It doesn’t take a particularly perceptive imagination to figure out which team is going to bring it in week 16. Dolphins are at home, spread is low, no-brainer. Which means Houston will probably win just because God hates me, but fuck it.

Miami_Dolphins_Helmet

Jacksonville @ New England -7.5

Tony: New England is undefeated at home this year ant they’ve won two in a row. Jacksonville is 2-4 on the road, and they’ve lost two in a row. Also … Jacksonville Jaguars. Patriots.

New_England_Patriots_Helmet

Dick: Aside from Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jags are outclassed at every position by the Patriots. This is the sort of trap game the Patsies have become susceptible to because, frankly, they lose their focus unless they have the press breathing down their neck. Thanks to Randy Moss having a bad game and then being accused of being a washed-up pussy and loser, they got both. Expect gore. Pats by a lot.

New_England_Patriots_Helmet

Sax: The Pats are still coasting on the reputation they built in seasons past. Brady is hurt and even when he was “healthy” he was kind of a mess, their O-line is the most overrated unit in the history of football, and their secondary is absolutely hopeless, which wouldn’t be that much of an issue if they had any semblance of a pass rush. Which is not to say they will lose to the Jaguars, who are terrible. I just think this spread is too high.

Jacksonville_Jaguars_Helmet

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -2.5

Tony: Everyone is saying how this game is supposed to be some Boise State – Fresno State barn burner because both defenses are hobbled. I think both of these teams have given up on life and this game will be less 45-42 and more 13-10. I guess Pittsburgh should win by at least a field goal.

Pittsburgh_Steelers_Helmet

Dick: Pittsburgh got away with one last week against Green Bay. They caught the Packers flat-footed early on and then got flat out lucky with a touchdown on the last play of the game. Baltimore is schizophrenic and incapable of carrying any sort of momentum over from one week to the next. They are also missing Ed Reed which means Ben Roethlisberger is going to eat the Ravens for lunch if he can extend some plays. I want to take Baltimore, but the Steelers are pulling one of their patented late-season dashes in spite of having almost no chance at the playoffs. Steelers.

Pittsburgh_Steelers_Helmet

Sax: Hines Ward is a fucking tool, Ben Roethlisberger is fat, Troy Polamalu is injured, and 10% of the population of the greater Pittsburgh area knows how to read. They will still beat the Ravens this weekend. If they weren’t division rivals, I might be inclined to take Baltimore just because, at 8-6, they actually have something left to play for, but the Steelers still probably harbor delusions of making the playoffs and they want to play spoiler for the Ravens anyway. Because they are dicks.

Pittsburgh_Steelers_Helmet

Denver @ Philadelphia -7

Tony: Mother of fuck, Corch Irvin Majors is resigning after the Sugar Bowl, citing health issues. Apparently, Mike Shanahan is on the short list of potential replacements. For those of you too lazy to Google, Shanny was the OC at Florida from 1980-1983. All of this clearly means Denver will cover at Philly this week. CLEARLY.

Denver_Broncos_Helmet

Dick: Donovan McNabb could beat the Broncos by six points by himself, but if he has Brian Westbrook and his fully intact brain in the backfield, the Eagles will win by 10. Denver’s early-season run was a fluke because they kept getting incredible breaks and weird plays going their way, but the reality is that they are thin on talent on offense, their coach is not that bright, and they get to play the Raiders and Chiefs twice a year. Eagles by a lot.

Philadelphia_Eagles_Helmet

Sax: Philly is going to fucking destroy Denver whether or not Brian Westbrook plays. I just like putting these games on the slate because Tony will pick Denver no matter what and he is raping me.

Philadelphia_Eagles_Helmet

Standings
1. Tony (31-24) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (27-28) (1-3 last week)
2. Sax (23-32) (1-3 last week)

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