Greetings Lord Worm! Letís get right down to business. How many live earthworms do you think youíve consumed over the years? Are you able to digest them, or do they come out looking the same way they went in? Our readers are curiousÖ

Iíve had a couple hundred, easily, though fewer than a thousand, for sure. Theyíre the ultimate sushi, in a way. Let me take a moment here, though, to clarify one point: I donít chew them. People, donít chew your worms! Iím fairly certain itís quite nasty. And they ARE digestible, by the way, being almost pure protein.

Everyone is overjoyed by the fact that youíre back with the band. While I respect Mike DiSalvo and his early work with Infestation, his vocals didnít quite cut the mustard with Cryptopsy. What prompted your return to the band and how successful was the Back to the Worm Tour?

All it really took was a call from Flo (and the assurance that rejoining the band was NOT going to drive me to the poorhouse, as it more or less had before (long story: some other time). The tour went fairly well, I guess, possibly better once we factor in that we werenít promoting a new release.

I once heard a rumor that you (Lord Worm) are an elementary school teacher in Montreal. Is this true? Please explain. If it is not true, have you ever considered a career in teaching? How do you feel about children in general?

Iím a private language instructor; so happily, I have very little contact with urchins. They like me, I avoid them, and letís face it, dogs are better than people, anyway. The rumor mill only ground out a half-truth that time.

So Alex is looking a bit like Devin Townsend these days. I mean, heís clearly going bald, but opts to keep the long hair with the wispy frontal tuft. Granted, itís not quite as absurd as Devinís, but, well, has he ever thought about cutting his hair? The evil-bald look is the latest thing in metal right now and I think heíd pull it off nicely. Thoughts?

As far as we know, Alex will remain as he is. Itís not really all that bad…really… [Mike Note: Canadians!]

What do you think of Black Metal? Do you listen to any BM bands? Have you seen The Other Top Ten Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics Iíve put together? Make no mistake, Iím a BM fan, but am I wrong to think that itís all a bit corny?

Iím almost exclusively Black, [Mike Note: OK, Iím not entirely sure what Lord Worm means here. Mike Smith might have something to say] but I know what you mean: if one takes oneself too seriously, one runs the risk of looking like them there photos (I still canít believe the Taake cock-shot). For the most part, if you try to remain mysterious and out of focus, you stand a better chance of having people wonder about you and spread the word that way.

How do you feel about the new material set to be released and the impending tour with the mighty Suffocation? Did everything run smoothly in the studio? What level of alcohol consumption occurred during the recording process? On that note, are Cryptopsy big drinkers on the whole? Who is the most aggressive drunk in the band?

Curse you and your compound questions! Weíre pretty confident about presenting the new stuff live. People have had a chance to hear ďCarrionshineĒ on our net-site, so at least that one will be familiar. The godly Suffocation have always been total pros and great guys, so another tour with them is like coming home. Studio life is studio life, so you tend to mix business with gluttony. While one guy is busy recording, for instance, the others are busy drinking or stuffing their guts, or whatever. I donít believe anyone really overdid it with the beer this time around, unlike when we were recording None So Vile, when the booze consumption was almost biblical in its proportions, leading me to forget most of it. We all drink, of course, but Iím the only one who treats it as an art. The other guys just dabble in it to a lesser or greater extent.

Do you prefer California wines or French wines? White or Red? Elaborate…

I donít remember ever having tried a California wine, but the couple of French ones Iíve sampled were alright. Aussies are pretty good, too. Iím a carnivore, especially vis-ŗ-vis game meats, so red is the way to go. Beer and whiskey are still the Royal Family, however.

Many people that initially joined the Ruthless Horde live in Canada, hardly the hub of metal in North America if you know what I mean. Quite frankly, aside from SYL, Kataklysm, and Cryptopsy, what does Canada really have to offer the world, metal and otherwise? I sure canít think of muchÖ.

Gaily-colored money (which, more and more, is beginning to resemble Italian lira), some classic hardcore bands (Dayglo Abortions, SNFU, 7seconds), more metal bands from way-back-when (Razor, Annihilator, Sacrifice, Voivod, Anvil), world-class beers (Unibroue, Wellington, MacAuslan), ice wines from the Niagra Peninsula, hydroelectric power, wood, Alberta beef (often free of Mad Cow disease), the chance to practice the letter ďAĒ…lotsa stuff.

Where do you conjure your lyrical inspiration? Weíve found the word ďunjesusĒ to be very inspiring. What is your muse and how much of it revolves around your contempt for humanity?

Iíve often experienced mild instances of dyslexia, which served to make me see words in an inspiring context (ďpanoramic viewĒ became ďparanoid viewĒ, for example). Very often, something in a book or in a movie will do it for me. Richard III has some great lines, as does early Clive Barker. Humanity disappoints me, so I mostly try not to dwell on its myriad failings, mine included.

Many Americans think of Canada as the retarded, maple syrup-slobbering little brother to the north — a country that remains safely under the wing of Americaís military might and economic prowess. What do Canadians, and you specifically, think of America?

Please permit me to utter an uncontrollable note of derision: HAW-HAW-HAW. Thank you. Next. [Mike Note: I think he meant, “Horgh!”]

Many, many thanks for your time. Any last words, thoughts, grunts, invocations?

What? No queries about the epic size of our genitals? How, then, are we supposed to brag? You gotta ask the pertinent stuff, boy. Other than that, thanks for the ďchatĒ. Letís hope we can have a brew together on the road, at some point.

About Mike von Hobart

Mike has 4 skills in life- drinking, reviewing black metal, being unemployed, and general uselessness. He writes about 2 pieces a year, but they are invariably our most popular because our readership is comprised of 17 year-old Scandinavian virgins, by which we mean 28 year-old Scandinavian virgins. Check out his new book, Boring Story and Other Stories