The Northman

Film Title

The Northman

Synopsis

A Robert Eggers Viking Epic

Director

Robert Eggers

Cast

Alexander Skarsgard
Nicole Kidman
Willem DaFoe
Claes Bang
Ethan Hawke
Anya Taylor-Joy
Gustav Lindh

The Northman – Alexander Skarsgard is tight. My main goal in writing film reviews is to entertain you while I tell you about a movie. While I can’t even sniff the same comedic galaxy as Pitch Meeting or Honest Trailers, I do my best to come up with jokes to make your read slightly less […]

Ambulance

Film Title

Ambulance

Synopsis

An ambulance in La-La Land

Director

Michael Bay

Cast

Jake Gyllenhaal
Yahya Abdul-Mateen II
Eiza Gonzalez
Garret Dillahunt
Jackson White

“Ambulance” – La-La-Land. It shouldn’t take long into a viewing of Ambulance for you to realize you’re getting a movie that had approximately three minutes of thought put into its screenplay. For reasons that make absolutely no sense, the title highlights the “LA” part, as if it matters even a tiny bit what city this […]

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

Film Title

Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore

Synopsis

How to make magic boring

Director

David Yates

Cast

Eddie Redmayne
Jude Law
Mads Mikkelson
Ezra Miller


We are often faced with choices in life that we wish we could go back and choose again. While walking into the screening of Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, I was presented with a choice of schwag for the film – would I like a movie poster or a reusable, cloth grocery bag? As […]

The Lost City

Film Title

The Lost City

Synopsis

Pretty Dumb, but no, wait, pretty dumb.

Director

Aaron Nee - Adam Nee

Cast

Sandra Bullock
Channing Tatum
Daniel Radcliffe
Brad Pitt
Da'Vine Joy Randolph

“The Lost City” – Pretty, but dumb. No, wait, that’s pretty dumb. Have you ever been to a comedy show or open mic night where the comedian absolutely bombed? That’s what The Lost City is, but with a little bit of silly action and a lot of hammy acting. I’m not saying it is completely […]

Deep Water

Film Title

Deep Water

Synopsis

That’s definitely not a candy bar floating in the pool

Director

Adrian Lyne

Cast

Ben Affleck
Ana de Armas
Tracy Letts
Dash Mihok
Brendan C. Miller
Rachel Blanchard

“Deep Water” – That’s definitely not a candy bar floating in the pool. One of the first things they teach students in screenwriting class is to write a sympathetic protagonist so the audience has someone to root for. Apparently, the writers of Deep Water – Zach Helm and Sam Levinson – missed that week of […]

Turning Red (2022)

Film Title

Turning Red

Synopsis

Crimson Tide (or a visit from Aunt Flo)

Director

Domee Shi

Cast

Rosalie Chiang
Sandra Oh
Ava Morse
Orion Lee
Maitreyi Ramakrishnan
Sherry Cola

“Turning Red” – Crimson Tide (or a visit from Aunt Flo). Turning Red is a movie I’m really torn about. You can be forgiven for not knowing what this movie is actually about if you have only seen the preview. Let me help. It’s about puberty. Specifically, a girl’s first period. What I’m torn about […]

The Batman

Film Title

The Batman

Synopsis

The Batman only works in Black, or really dark grey

Director

Matt Reeves

Cast

Robert Pattinson
Zoe Kravitz
Colin Farrell
Paul Dano
Andy Serkis
John Turturro
Jeffrey Wright

“The Batman” – I only work in black. Or really, really dark grey. Batman has had quite the adventure throughout his Hollywood career. Starting way back in 1966 with two dudes wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants, there have been ten live-action films. After that ridiculous (even at the time) depiction, 1989’s […]

Studio 666

Film Title

Studio 666

Synopsis

What are you doing, Dave?

Director

BJ McDonnell

Cast

Whitney Cummings
Foo Fighters
Will Forte
Jeff Garlin
Dave Grohl
Leslie Grossman

“Studio 666” – What are you doing, Dave? If I were a Foo Fighters fan, I might have been genuinely excited about seeing Studio 666. I couldn’t pick a Foo Fighters song out of lineup, but I’m sure I’ve heard some of their late ’90s/early 2000s stuff. I might even have liked a song or […]

Uncharted (2022)

Film Title

Uncharted

Synopsis

Nathan and Sully go on a treasure hunt for Magellan gold. 

Director

Ruben Fleischer

Cast

Mark Wahlberg
Tom Holland
Antonio Banderas
Sophia Ali
Steven Waddington
Tati Gabrielle


“Uncharted” – Inter-National Treasure. Given the number of video games released every year, it’s surprising to see how few of them are adapted into movies. Ever since Super Mario Bros. debuted as the first video game adaptation / cow pie in 1993, it makes sense that studios would be hesitant to make more movies from […]

Blacklight

Film Title

Blacklight

Synopsis

It is time to stop. Now, Liam

Director

Mark Williams

Cast

Liam Neilson
Aidan Quinn
Emmy Raver-Lampman
Taylor John Smith
Claire van der Boom
Andrew Shaw

“Blacklight” – It is time to stop now, Liam. There’s a new Liam Neeson movie coming out, so it must be February. Put another way, it’s February, so what is the name of the latest Liam Neeson action flick? Put a third way, there’s a new movie about a grizzled old lone wolf with a […]