John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Film Title

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

Synopsis

Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.

Director

Chad Stahelski

Cast

Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos

Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Film Title

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Synopsis

Where are you dad?

Director

Rob Letterman

Cast

Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe

Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]

UglyDolls

Film Title

UglyDolls

Synopsis

Flawed dolls just want to be loved.

Director

Kelly Asbury

Cast

Kelly Clarkson
Pitbull
Nick Jonas
Blake Shelton
Wanda Sykes
Gabriel Iglesias
Emma Roberts
Leehom Wang

Fugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything, […]

Hellboy (2019)

Film Title

Hellboy (2019)

Synopsis

Hellboy fights a witch, not that anybody cares.

Director

Neil Marshall (Not Guillermo del Toro)

Cast

David Harbour (Not Ron Perlman)
Milla Jovovich
Ian McShane
Sasha Lane
Daniel Dae Kim

Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled Hellboy on purpose? Those are all […]

The Curse of La Llorona

Film Title

The Curse of La Llorona

Synopsis

How to scare your children.

Director

Michael Chaves

Cast

Linda Cardellini
Roman Christou
Jaynee-Lynne Kinchen
Raymond Cruz
Marisol Ramirez
Patricia VelasquezTony Amendola

Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like Krampus or Tim Allen. Be good and […]

Shazam!

Film Title

Shazam!

Synopsis

Big meets Power Rangers meets Hancock.

Director

Davidd F. Sandberg

Cast

Zachary Levi
Mark Strong
Djimon Hounsou
Jack Dylan Grazer
Asher Angel

Tag. You’re it! If ever a movie was being given a massive pass for not being the next putrid entry in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), Shazam! is it. Currently, it sits at 93% positive critics ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which ties it for best in the franchise with Wonder Woman. In no universe, including […]

Storm Boy

Film Title

Storm Boy

Synopsis

A kid raises pelicans on the beach. I am not kidding.

Director

Shawn Seet

Cast

Geoffrey Rush
Jai Courtney
Finn Little
Morgana Davies
Trevor Jamieson
Erik Thomson

No, seriously. When I read the title Storm Boy, all I can hear in my head is Phoebe from Friends, saying “Flame Boy” and it makes it really hard to take Storm Boy seriously. And it should be taken seriously. It’s about a boy and his pelican. *giggles* In fact, it’s about a boy and […]

The Aftermath

Film Title

The Aftermath

Synopsis

If Days of Our Lives happened in post-WWII Germany.

Director

James Kent

Cast

Keira Knightley
Alexander Skarsgard
Jason Clarke
Flora Thiemann

Of everything. Prior to screening The Aftermath, I was looking for a quick synopsis of the film because I knew nothing about it.  The first thing that popped up in the Google search was a review for The Aftermath subtitled “The Aftermath is the cinematic equivalent of crying after sex.”  This nearly made me spit-take […]

Us

Film Title

Us

Synopsis

Dad jokes and murder.

Director

Jordan Peele

Cast

Lupita Nyong'o
Winston Duke
Elisabeth Moss
Tim Heidecker
Shahadi Wright Joseph
Evan Alex
Madison Curry

My lips are mostly sealed. I often struggle in these reviews with how much to reveal when discussing a movie.  Okay, I sometimes struggle.  On one hand, nobody likes spoilers.  Even for movies that are obvious and preordained crap, people want to be surprised and decide for themselves.  Incidentally, these are the same people who have to touch the […]

Wonder Park

Film Title

Wonder Park

Synopsis

June and friends try to save their amusement park from cancer.

Director

David Feiss (Uncredited??)

Cast

Jennifer Garner
Matthew Broderick
John Oliver
Ken Hudson Campbell
Kenan Thompson
Mila Kunis
Ken Jeong
Brianna Denski
Norbert Leo Butz

Only the best rides make you puke. Based on the previews, I was expecting Wonder Park to be much worse than it ended up being. I am probably cutting it some slack due to my man/nerd crush on John Oliver, but it exceeded my expectations. More importantly, it kept my son’s attention, which is really […]