Stuber

Film Title

Stuber

Synopsis

Uber the way it was meant to be used.

Director

Michael Dowse

Cast

Dave Bautista
Kumail Ninjiani
Mira Sorvino
Natalie Morales
Iko Uwais
Betty Gilpin
Karen Gillan

Didn’t see that one coming. Trailers always elicit an immediate reaction from the viewer in the form of whether or not the viewer will go see the movie. For a trailer for a movie like Stuber, most people will probably think “well, not gonna go see that piece of shit.” I say that because I […]

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Film Title

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Synopsis

Spider-Man goes to Europe.

Director

Jon Watts

Cast

Tom Holland
Jake Gyllenhall
Samuel L. Jackson
Cobie Smulders
Marisa Tomei
Jon Favreau
Zendaya
Jacob Batalon
Martin Starr
J.B. Smoove

I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. The battle against movie piracy has officially gone too far. Typically at advanced screenings, we are asked by security folks to silence or turn off our phones and not get them out during the movie. You know, like literally every movie does at every theater […]

Men in Black: International

Film Title

Men in Black: International

Synopsis

A couple of Asgardians slumming it.

Director

F. Gary Gray

Cast

Chris Hemsworth
Tessa Thompson
Liam Neeson
Emma Thompson
Kumail Nanjiani
Rafe Spall
Rebecca Ferguson
Kayvan Novak
Laurent Bourgeois
Larry Bourgeois

M is for mole. For my wife, time travel in a movie kills that movie for her. I get it – time travel solves any problem, undoes any death or event, and, of course, comes with that pesky paradox (if you change the past, you erase the reason for going back to the past to […]

Avengers: Endgame

Film Title

Avengers: Endgame

Synopsis

Marvel comes to a head.

Director

Anthony and Joe Russo

Cast

Everyone from the previous 21 movies

At long last. We can finally all breathe. After twenty-two movies, we can finally turn our attention to other films and budding franchises that have been overshadowed by the Marvel behemoth. If you look over there, the DC Extended Universe is still budding and…well…ok – it sucks pretty hard. Joker looks promising based on the […]

Aladdin (2019)

Film Title

Aladdin (2019)

Synopsis

Aladdin.

Director

Guy Ritchie

Cast

Will Smith
Mena Massoud
Naomi Scott
Marwan Kenzari
Navid Negahban
Alan Tudyk
Nasim Pedrad

A problem with your REMAKE!! As Disney continues to chew through live-action remakes of animated classics with Aladdin as the latest, all I can think is when will it end? The recently released Dumbo came and went with little notice, got panned by more critics than not and, depending on the marketing budget, will be […]

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Film Title

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

Synopsis

Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.

Director

Chad Stahelski

Cast

Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos

Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Film Title

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Synopsis

Where are you dad?

Director

Rob Letterman

Cast

Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe

Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]

UglyDolls

Film Title

UglyDolls

Synopsis

Flawed dolls just want to be loved.

Director

Kelly Asbury

Cast

Kelly Clarkson
Pitbull
Nick Jonas
Blake Shelton
Wanda Sykes
Gabriel Iglesias
Emma Roberts
Leehom Wang

Fugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything, […]

Hellboy (2019)

Film Title

Hellboy (2019)

Synopsis

Hellboy fights a witch, not that anybody cares.

Director

Neil Marshall (Not Guillermo del Toro)

Cast

David Harbour (Not Ron Perlman)
Milla Jovovich
Ian McShane
Sasha Lane
Daniel Dae Kim

Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled Hellboy on purpose? Those are all […]

The Curse of La Llorona

Film Title

The Curse of La Llorona

Synopsis

How to scare your children.

Director

Michael Chaves

Cast

Linda Cardellini
Roman Christou
Jaynee-Lynne Kinchen
Raymond Cruz
Marisol Ramirez
Patricia VelasquezTony Amendola

Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like Krampus or Tim Allen. Be good and […]