Pretentious is as pretentious does. It is not a good sign for a movie when one of the first things the audience hears is how New York just isn’t New York any more. I’m not sure if New Yorkers know this, but the vast majority of people in this country don’t live in New York […]
The Only Living Boy in New York
Film TitleThe Only Living Boy in New York
New York, featuring jerks.
Film TitleWind River
A hunter and an FBI agent show tribal police how to solve murders.
The Great White Hunter The last shot of the movie Wind River has a title card stating that no data is kept tracking the number of missing Native American girls. This is a strange way to end a movie that isn’t about missing girls, but is about solving the murder of a Native American girl. […]
The Dark Tower
Film TitleThe Dark Tower
A kinda, sorta, vague adaptation of bits and pieces of Stephen King’s Dark Tower series.
Jackie Earle Haley
Abbey Lee Kershaw
Adapt at your own risk. Let’s just get this out of the way right now. If you are a fan of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, at the very least, you are probably going to be disappointed in the movie The Dark Tower. At the very most, you’re going to be pissed off for […]
Film TitleAtomic Blonde
An MI6 agent is tasked with Ethan Hunt’s first mission while set to awful music.
Confusion and breasts. It’s not often that I’m completely confused by my feelings for a movie, but Atomic Blonde is one of those instances. My immediate reaction at the end of the movie was “I think I liked it? Maybe?” It definitely had elements I liked and there weren’t any obvious (at least to me) […]
The war-iest of war movies. We’ve all seen what Christopher Nolan is capable of and it’s almost always been fantastic. We’re at a point now where “Directed by Christopher Nolan” is all that needs to be said to peak interest in a new movie. In other words, the opposite of “Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.” […]
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Film TitleValerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
The result of 10,000 computers vomiting for 2 hours and 17 minutes.
Clive Owen (Seriously)
Ethan Hawke (Seriously)
Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is […]
Film TitleWish Upon
A high school girl makes wishes that end in unintentional comedy and novelty deaths.
DirectorJohn R. Leonetti
Ki Hong Lee
Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the funniest thing I’ve heard in my […]
Film TitleSpider-Man: Homecoming
Tom Holland and Marvel help us forget 13 years and 3 movies of shame.
Robert Downey Jr.
Now we can argue about the best Spider-Man actor. Do you realize it’s been thirteen years since the last good Spider-Man film? Spider-Man 2 was the last good one and Andrew Garfield was not better than Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I said it. The Amazing Spider-Man was bland and Garfield’s portrayal was mediocre and not sympathetic. […]
Film TitleBaby Driver
Worst title ever? In the context of the film, the title makes perfect sense. The main character is named Baby, he’s a getaway driver for heists, and he’s really young. In the context of wanting to sell more movie tickets, it’s maybe the worst title ever. When I first saw it on the advanced screening […]
Despicable Me 3
Film TitleDespicable Me 3
Gru and family fight the 1980s.
DirectorPierre Coffin and Kyle Balda
How to entertain children and adults at the same time. As a kid of the eighties, Despicable Me 3 managed to remind me of how completely stupid was that entire decade. Stupid clothes, stupid trends, stupid catch phrases, and some really, really stupid music. Despicable Me 3 put those things back in the spotlight, simultaneously […]