Early Days: Part Two

Blaxploitation As you probably know, I likes me a bit of blaxploitation, even though much of it was an unashamed rip-off of whatever whitey was up to. Westerns, horror, crime, comedies… the blacks always had some sort of crappy facsimile to hand as typified by the likes of Blacula and Black Shampoo. Well, everyone’s gotta […]

Early Days: Part One

By Dave Franklin I’ve met a handful of folk who insist old movies are boring. They don’t like stuff from cinema’s greatest decade, the 1970s, because it’s slow or the special effects aren’t as good or the hairdos are silly. Anyhow, after I’ve stabbed these ignoramuses and they’ve begun to recover from the shock, I […]

Fucked Up Films #4 -Deep River Savages/AKA Man from Deep River/AKA Il paese del sesso selvaggio/AKA Sacrifice

Film Title

Deep River Savages/AKA Man from Deep River

Synopsis

A Club 18-30 holiday for the most ardent of masochists

Director

Umberto Lenzi

Cast

Ivan Rassimov
Me Me Lai
Pratitsak Singhara
Sullalewan Suxantat
Ong Ard

What are these sick bastards doing? I don’t think I caught the hero’s name, but given his wondrous flaxen mane I shall refer to him as Blonde Magnificence. Really, his flowing tresses are on a par with Klaus Kinski and Rutger Hauer. No idea if this dude graduated to playing a Nazi but, believe me, […]

Commando

Film Title

Commando

Synopsis

Meet Arnie. He eats Green Berets for breakfast.

Director

Mark L. Lester

Cast

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Rae Dawn Chong
Alyssa Milano
Vernon Wells
Dan Hedaya
Bill Duke
David Patrick Kelley

If you’re the sort of guy who dresses his semi-automatic rifle in a see-through negligee just before beddy-byes and snuggles up tight while dreaming about his erect penis turning into the aforementioned weapon and walking butt-naked down the street spraying cock bullets at all those other puny men, then Commando is the one for you. […]

Starring debuts #16: Aaron Eckhart in In the Company of Men (1997)

Film Title

In The Company Of Men

Synopsis

Misogyny! Hooray! Or is it?

Director

Neil LaBute

Cast

Aaron Eckhart
Matt Malloy
Stacy Edwards

Perhaps the key scene in Neil LaBute’s caustic debut is the one in which business exec Chad (Eckhart) gets a junior colleague to expose himself. It’s during this brief humiliation that we grasp Company’s true interest: the increasingly unpleasant methods Chad will use to clamber over other men in the workplace. A fair chunk of […]

Fucked-Up Films #3: I Spit on Your Grave (1978)

Film Title

I Spit On Your Grave

Synopsis

Woman 4, Men 1

Director

Meir Zarchi

Cast

Camille Keaton
Eron Taber
Richard Pace
Anthony Nichols
Gunter Kleemann

What are these sick bastards doing? Bored by the prospect of going bowling yet again and the lack of choice at the local cinema, four men in rural Connecticut plump for a bit of fishing. Oh, and rape. Lots and lots of rape. How skuzzy are the men? Matthew’s a camp, bespectacled half-idiot only good […]

Starring debuts #15: Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid (1984)

Film Title

The Karate Kid

Synopsis

A bullied teenager must channel his inner Rocky to defeat the odds

Director

John G. Avildsen

Cast

Ralph Macchio
Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita
Elisabeth Shue
William Zabka
Martin Kove

There are wish fulfillment movies and then there’s the fucking Karate Kid. Macchio plays Daniel LaRusso, a wholesome, 17-year-old kid who’s arrived in LA with his upbeat mom. A five-strong gang of bullies, who’ve been taught ‘no mercy’ by their evil karate teacher, zero in. Well, big deal. Daniel still gets the buxom, high-class girl […]

Creepy Shit

I s’pose there’s only one time I had the shit creeped outta me. Granddad was in a nursing home and one night we got the call that he was on the way out. I went with dad and sat in a room as death came to play. Granddad was wired, unaware of his family alongside […]

The Natives Are Getting Restless

Man has long excelled at picking on animals and fucking up the environment, a dismal trait I’m fine with as long as it generates good eco-horror movies. This sub-genre is staggeringly rich and diverse, tackling everything from sentient frogs and mutant sea creatures to walking plants and extraterrestrial viruses that powderize your blood. It has […]

Not Taking The Michael

Some talented actors appear to have a bitch of a time choosing a worthwhile script. It’s almost as if a load is dumped in front of them, they close their eyes and pick one. Travolta’s a prime example, having appeared in nine thousand flicks but only a handful of classics since he first got going […]