Brain Eating, Gang Rape and Other Funny Stuff

“I’d walk a mile for a chuckle.” Great line, huh? It comes from 1957’s excellent Sweet Smell of Success. It’s a simple statement that perfectly captures a sense of ennui. In seven short words you get a feel for how the character’s been numbed by the daily grind, how he’s surrounded by unremarkable people and […]

All Hail, King of the Runts!

Great art is one thing, but consistently pumping out the stuff quite another. I mean, how many artists do you love (whether it’s film directors, musicians or, er, sculptors) only to admit a fair chunk of their work is actually pants? Take a fucked-up little bald girl like Sinead O’Connor. Her first two albums are […]

Hey, PE Teacher! Leave Them Kids Alone!

I’ve never quite gotten over my first PE lesson aged eleven at a big school. After surviving a bruising game of rugger in which I was sometimes mistaken for the ball, I tried my best to change back into my uniform and sneak home as the prospect of a group shower at that somewhat self-conscious […]

We Can’t Interfere With People’s Beliefs*

I used to be an ESL teacher and I’ll never forget having a chat with my students about ill health and medicine. A Nepalese woman told the class she once caught a life-threatening fever and was immeasurably grateful to her husband for beating her up. It was one of those blink-a-few-times sort of moment as […]

Carter v. Shand: Battle of the British Gangsters

There are many people who like to grapple with the Big Questions, such as whether we’re alone in the universe, what happens after death and what celeb has the best tits. Luckily I’m in a position to answer the last one in that God has the best tits because (a he’s Perfection so it stands […]

Qu’est-ce que c’est?

Some things are undeniably wrong, such as serving peas and baked beans on the same plate, the South African accent, and Phil Collins singing about homelessness. I guess you could throw serial murder into the same mix, but I’d still argue Another Day in Paradise is a greater crime against humanity. Anyhow, we all like […]

The Ten-Year Summer Of Jenny

So who’s your dream movie girl? The one who gets your heart pumping? The one so far removed from your mundane existence that if you’re honest you know you’re not worthy to share the same planet. In fact, you’re not even sure such a divine vixen is from Earth. Perhaps God lowered her from the […]

Dulce et Decorum Est… Nah, War Can Be Fun!

On balance, any serious examination of World War Two would have to conclude the Nazis were a tad uncouth, disagreeable even. And yet without their naughty goose-stepping antics across Germany and the rest of Europe, moviedom would be immeasurably poorer. So sure, sixty-odd million people lost their lives during humanity’s worst ever quarrel, but the […]

Eight Wince-Inducing Moments in Movies*

Sew Tough! I was about fourteen when I first caught First Blood on home video, the perfect age to vicariously revel in such macho histrionics. Immediately afterwards, I ran outside, knocked the first motorcyclist I saw to the ground, and headed off for the woods at breakneck speed with an imaginary entire police force hot […]

Theater Of Blood (1973)

Film Title

Theater Of Blood


Disgruntled actor, presumed dead, starts murdering his critics


Douglas Hickox


Vincent Price
Ian Hendry
Diana Rigg
Milo O'Shea

Do you have a mantra that helps you get through life’s darker moments? You know, something that enables you to cope with the searing knowledge that dreams don’t come true and you’ll instead have to settle for second, third or fourth best as you crawl unfulfilled toward your grave. I cling to the insight of […]