Starring Debuts- #1: Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Film Title

Crocodile Dundee

Synopsis

Mick educates fun-loving American youth about cutlery

Director

Peter Faiman

Cast

Paul Hogan
Linda Kozlowski
John Meillon
David Gulpilil
Mark Blum
Steve Rackman

Here in Oz there’s a cringe factor around Crocodile Dundee, despite it being a worldwide phenomenon that took well over three hundred mil at the box office. Perhaps it’s disliked in hipster circles because it was such a runaway success. After all, the titular character is a rough hewn, leg-pulling pub-dweller, the sort of guy […]

Monsters

It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark… Like most boys, I quickly developed a love for monsters and supernatural creatures, a morbid fascination only deepened by devouring the novels of Guy N. Smith (giant, man-eating crabs!) and James Herbert (dog-sized, man-eating black rats!) Blood-dripping fangs, wickedly sharp claws, terrified humans on […]

Witchfinder General (1968)

Film Title

Witchfinder General

Synopsis

Men sometimes have strange motives for the things they do

Director

Michael Reeves

Cast

Vincent Price
Ian Ogilvy
Hilary Dwyer
Robert Russell
Rupert Davies

“Men sometimes have strange motives for the things they do.” So says Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General, and one of this brutal flick’s coarse joys is trying to work out his. Does he really believe he’s doing God’s work? Or is he merely an opportunist, a man happy to take advantage of the breakdown in law […]

Where’s My Froggy?

You probably find it hard to believe but I write all my Ruthless articles surrounded by aromatic candles immersed in a freestanding claw foot bath. Well, I say write but what I actually mean is dictate. Indeed, all of my honey-coated missives are transcribed by a slightly drunken Catholic schoolgirl called Samantha. Her proofreading skills […]

Savage Streets (1984)

Film Title

Savage Streets

Synopsis

Rape, revenge and bad 80s hairdos at high school

Director

Danny Steinmann

Cast

Linda Blair
Linnea Quigley
John Vernon
Robert Dryer

After starring in The Exorcist at the tender age of fourteen, the world was Linda Blair’s pea green vomit-covered oyster. She followed up that groundbreaking horror classic with the stodgily directed TV movie Born Innocent and the much-mocked Airport 1975, whose main contribution to cinema was helping birth the glorious Airplane! In spite of their […]

Foreigners, Eh? Guess They’re All Right

I’m not a sophisticated guy. I came to understand this about twenty years ago when I took a hot Italian-Australian chick on a first date to one of those huge multiplex cinemas. She seemed to find my jokes funny, was a good six or seven years younger, had a tiny waist and always wore cool, […]

My Life Of Crime

I once nicked a computer from work. It had been lying around unused in the district office for ages so I thought no one would notice. And for a couple of months they didn’t. Then someone wanted it, it wasn’t there, and the none-too-pleased boss told me to file a report with the cops, most […]

Stop this Sketch. It’s Silly

Named after their famous catchphrase, the Pythons’ first movie is actually a rehash of sketches from their 1969-70 TV shows. Despite that, And Now for Something Completely Different is brilliant from start to finish, a staggeringly well-chosen compilation that includes The Lumberjack Song, The Dead Parrot, and Upper Class Twit of the Year. It’s also […]

Enter The Dragon (1973)

Film Title

Enter The Dragon

Synopsis

Bruce Lee goes after an island-bound crime lord

Director

Robert Clouse

Cast

Bruce Lee
John Saxon
Jim Kelly
Shih Kien

Every man fantasizes about having Bruce Lee inside of him. Hmm, call me a cynic, but I sense this simple statement already being misconstrued. Let me be a bit clearer. I don’t mean we feverishly dream of being bummed by the little Asian poppet. I mean we’re all in love with the idea of a […]

Fat Fuckers

Chubsters, lard asses and human hippos appear to be the latest group of people we’re s’posed to tippy toe on eggshells around, if not show automatic respect for. Fantastic, and I’ll certainly bear that in mind the next time I’m wedged next to one in Coach Class or I see some slobbering blubber guts outside […]