Some films don’t appeal. They might be a huge hit, win a boatload of Oscars, and get cracking reviews and yet… I’d rather read the Koran than take a gander. Maybe you feel the same. Maybe there’s a flick or two you can think of that the prospect of sitting through leaves you cold. Dances […]
Ulzana’s Raid (1972)
May 3, 2022 by
Film Title
Ulzana's RaidSynopsis
Merciless killers chase merciless killers across the merciless desert
Director
Robert AldrichCast
Burt Lancaster
Bruce Davison
Jorge Luke
Richard Jaeckel
Joaquin Martinez
Old Fuckers
May 1, 2022 by
At the beginning of Rocky IV, Rocky and Apollo dance around the ring throwing mock insults but essentially admiring each other’s physiques. It’s one of moviedom’s gayest starts, especially with lines like “I’m gonna whip your butt” and “You really look good for an older guy.” To be honest, it’s a bit of a surprise […]
Crawlspace (1986)
April 28, 2022 by
Film Title
CrawlspaceSynopsis
A Nazified acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree
Director
David SchmoellerCast
Klaus Kinski
Talia Balsam
Barbara Whinnery
Kenneth Robert Shippy
Sometimes you want a movie to educate, move or inspire you. And sometimes you just wanna watch that pint-sized Teutonic nutter Klaus Kinski collect eyeballs. Now I’m not one to condemn actors for their off-screen behavior or ill-judged Tweets. I don’t really care what they get up to or what their political affiliations are. I […]
Early Days: Part Two
April 26, 2022 by
Blaxploitation As you probably know, I likes me a bit of blaxploitation, even though much of it was an unashamed rip-off of whatever whitey was up to. Westerns, horror, crime, comedies… the blacks always had some sort of crappy facsimile to hand as typified by the likes of Blacula and Black Shampoo. Well, everyone’s gotta […]
Early Days: Part One
April 24, 2022 by
By Dave Franklin I’ve met a handful of folk who insist old movies are boring. They don’t like stuff from cinema’s greatest decade, the 1970s, because it’s slow or the special effects aren’t as good or the hairdos are silly. Anyhow, after I’ve stabbed these ignoramuses and they’ve begun to recover from the shock, I […]
Fucked Up Films #4 -Deep River Savages/AKA Man from Deep River/AKA Il paese del sesso selvaggio/AKA Sacrifice
April 17, 2022 by
Film Title
Deep River Savages/AKA Man from Deep RiverSynopsis
A Club 18-30 holiday for the most ardent of masochists
Director
Umberto LenziCast
Ivan Rassimov
Me Me Lai
Pratitsak Singhara
Sullalewan Suxantat
Ong Ard
What are these sick bastards doing? I don’t think I caught the hero’s name, but given his wondrous flaxen mane I shall refer to him as Blonde Magnificence. Really, his flowing tresses are on a par with Klaus Kinski and Rutger Hauer. No idea if this dude graduated to playing a Nazi but, believe me, […]
Commando
April 15, 2022 by
Film Title
CommandoSynopsis
Meet Arnie. He eats Green Berets for breakfast.
Director
Mark L. LesterCast
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Rae Dawn Chong
Alyssa Milano
Vernon Wells
Dan Hedaya
Bill Duke
David Patrick Kelley
If you’re the sort of guy who dresses his semi-automatic rifle in a see-through negligee just before beddy-byes and snuggles up tight while dreaming about his erect penis turning into the aforementioned weapon and walking butt-naked down the street spraying cock bullets at all those other puny men, then Commando is the one for you. […]
Starring debuts #16: Aaron Eckhart in In the Company of Men (1997)
April 13, 2022 by
Film Title
In The Company Of MenSynopsis
Misogyny! Hooray! Or is it?
Director
Neil LaButeCast
Aaron Eckhart
Matt Malloy
Stacy Edwards
Perhaps the key scene in Neil LaBute’s caustic debut is the one in which business exec Chad (Eckhart) gets a junior colleague to expose himself. It’s during this brief humiliation that we grasp Company’s true interest: the increasingly unpleasant methods Chad will use to clamber over other men in the workplace. A fair chunk of […]
Fucked-Up Films #3: I Spit on Your Grave (1978)
April 11, 2022 by
Film Title
I Spit On Your GraveSynopsis
Woman 4, Men 1
Director
Meir ZarchiCast
Camille Keaton
Eron Taber
Richard Pace
Anthony Nichols
Gunter Kleemann
What are these sick bastards doing? Bored by the prospect of going bowling yet again and the lack of choice at the local cinema, four men in rural Connecticut plump for a bit of fishing. Oh, and rape. Lots and lots of rape. How skuzzy are the men? Matthew’s a camp, bespectacled half-idiot only good […]
Starring debuts #15: Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid (1984)
April 9, 2022 by
Film Title
The Karate KidSynopsis
A bullied teenager must channel his inner Rocky to defeat the odds
Director
John G. AvildsenCast
Ralph Macchio
Noriyuki 'Pat' Morita
Elisabeth Shue
William Zabka
Martin Kove
There are wish fulfillment movies and then there’s the fucking Karate Kid. Macchio plays Daniel LaRusso, a wholesome, 17-year-old kid who’s arrived in LA with his upbeat mom. A five-strong gang of bullies, who’ve been taught ‘no mercy’ by their evil karate teacher, zero in. Well, big deal. Daniel still gets the buxom, high-class girl […]
