Lords of Chaos

Film Title

Lord of Chaos

Synopsis

Violence erupts as a Norwegian teen attempts to launch Black Metal in Oslo.

Director

Jonas Akerlund

Cast

Rory Caulkin as Eurynomos
Emory Cohen as Varg
Jack Kilmer as Pelle 'Dead' Ohlin
Sky Ferreira as the love interest
Valter Skarsgard as 'Faust' Eithun

Fair Value of Lords of Chaos: $18.00. One of the best comedies I’ve seen in a while. A Spinal Tap for my generation, deadpan and wry. Is This Film Worth My Time? You’re either going to laugh, or you’re going to be very disturbed, at the antics of the Scandinavian misanthropes that populate this film. […]

Alita: Battle Angel

Film Title

Alita: Battle Angel

Synopsis

A deactivated female cyborg is revived, but cannot remember anything of her past life and goes on a quest to find out who she is.

Director

Robert Rodriguez

Cast

Rosa Salazar as the Chosen Waif aka Big Eyes, Small Emote
Keean Johnson as Dawson's Creek in the Year 3000
Christopher Waltz as your friendly neighborhood ripperdoc.
Jennifer Connelly as Older Women are sinister
Mahershala Ali as The Man
Ed Skrein as Insufferable Recurring Lesser Villain
Jackie Earle Haley as Battle Shrek

Alita: Battle Angel 2 hours 2 minutes, PG-13 for ample cyborg ultraviolence (gore doesn’t count as long as it’s wires and not blood) Fair Value of Alita: Battle Angel- $8.00 Crunchy popcorn, even if the oil’s synthetic. Lavish visuals and an imaginative world with an underwhelming core, like an old computer with a flashy casemod. […]

Suspiria (2018)

Film Title

Suspiria (2018)

Synopsis

A remake that doesn’t quite make it

Director

Luca Guadagnino

Cast

Dakota Johnson
Tilda Swinton
Doris Hick
Malgorzata Bela
Angela Winkler

Suspiria (2018) Fair Value of the new Suspiria: $0.00 . There are so many better films that this remake derives from. The original Suspiria, The Ninth Gate, Lords of Salem– for films about witchcraft, you have a lot of more striking options. Catholic Horror versus Protestant Horror: Watching this remake of a genre-defining Giallo film […]

Bad Times at the El Royale

Film Title

Bad Times at the El Royale

Synopsis

Seven strangers, each with dark secrets to bury, meet at the El Royale Hotel in Lake Tahoe

Director

Drew Goddard

Cast

Cynthia Erivo as Dreamgirls taking a Wrong Turn
Jeff Bridges as grizzled
Jon Hamm as paranoid secret agent man
Chris Hemsworth as Charles Manson, Superstar!
Dakota Johnson as Chris Hemsworth's ex-girlfriend
Nick Offerman as an old school gangster
Lewis Pullman, as the in over his head bellboy/ desk clerk

Bad Times at the El Royale 2 hours 11 minutes, R for Tarantino-Style Gun Play (with comparable levels of blood splatter) Fair Value of Bad Times at the El Royale: $4.00. Its a solid choice as a streaming rental, solid without being particularly distinct, entertaining enough. Norman Bates, Travis Bickle, The Manson Family, and Nixons […]

BlacKkKlansman (2018)

Film Title

BlacKkKlansman (2018)

Synopsis

Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?

Director

Spike Lee

Cast

Alec Baldwin
Adam Driver
John David Washington
Laura Harrier
Harry Belafonte

2 hours 15 minutes, Rated R for bombings and lynchings. Fair Value of BlacKkKlansman (2018): $12.00. Its the first film I’ve seen this summer worthy of a Best Picture nomination. Invisible Empire: Racism is the central ideology of the American Empire. I know you’re going to throw democracy and liberty in my face- but that’s […]

Mission Impossible Six: Fallout

Film Title

Mission Impossible Six: Fallout

Synopsis

Bad guys have stolen a nuke, blah blah blah. Want to destroy civilization, blah blah. Your mission, blee blo. Rag-tag team of misfits, scoodily poopy rum tum tum.



Cast

Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, Super-Generic
Henry Cavill as American Dad
Rebecca Ferguson as Black Widow
Ving Rhames as Wise and Experience Black Man
Simon Pegg as comic relief
Angela Bassett as sinister CIA red herring
Sean Harris as The Unabomber.
Vanessa Kirby as Misplaced Bond Girl.

Mission Impossible Six: Fallout 2 hours 27 minutes, PG-13 for boiling coolant to the face. Fair Value of This Film: $3.00. Some good stunt work, but nothing really sets this film apart from the franchise. As generic as a Honda Accord. I saw this film twenty minutes ago and I’m already starting to forget it. […]

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Film Title

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

Synopsis

This time we light the bird’s ancestors on fire

Director

J.A. Bayona

Cast

Chris Pratt
Bryce Dallas Howard
Rafe Spall
James Cromwell
Ted Levine
Justice Smith
Daniella Pineda
Toby Jones
Jeff Goldblum
BD Wong
Isabella Sermon

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is 2 hrs 8 minutes, PG-13 for maiming and people get used as chew toys Basic Concept: Jurassic Park, except this time we light the dinosaurs on fire. What? There’s a volcano erupting on the Jurassic Park island, and so, you have a lot of stampeding dinosaurs that may also be […]

Incredibles 2

Film Title

Incredibles 2

Synopsis

Mr. Incredible babysits while Elastigirl saves the world

Director

Brad Bird

Cast

Samuel L. Jackson
Holly Hunter
Craig T. Nelson
Sarah Vowell
Bob Odenkirk
Catherine Keener

1 Hour 34 Minutes, G Special Warning: Incredibles 2 has scenes with bright high-intensity flashing patterns that may induce epileptic episodes. Also, this film is chock full of subliminal messages (courtesy of the villain)- if you believe in the effect of subliminals, this is a film to avoid. Fair Value Rating of The Incredibles 2: […]

Hotel Artemis

Film Title

Hotel Artemis

Synopsis

A nurse runs a secret, members-only E. R. for criminals.

Director

Drew Pearce

Cast

Jodie Foster
Sterling K. Brown
Sofia Boutella
Jeff Goldblum
Dave Bautista
Zachary Quinto

Hotel Artemis is likely to be one of the obscure gems of the summer of 2018. Its a wonderful peanut-butter and chocolate combination of genres: cyberpunk and the Grand Hotel genre. Hotel Artemis is a well acted ensemble piece, nimbly juggling multiple sub-plots and capers, making the most of an enclosed and limited set. Give […]

Deadpool 2

Film Title

Deadpool 2

Synopsis

Yes, Josh Brolin is the Bad Guy in this movie.

Director

David Leitch

Cast

Ryan Reynolds
Josh Brolin
Morena Baccarin
Julian Dennison
Zazie Beetz
T. J. Miller

Is this film worth my time?Deadpool 2 is middle level lowbrow action comedy for middle-schoolers and muddled stoners alike.If you’re cool spending your time with 3rd– rate live action South Park, who am I to judge? Check your brain at the door. 1 Hour 59 Minutes, R for graphic dismemberment, sodomy, tiny genitalia Fair Value […]