Fair Value of Last Blood: -$5.50. As sequels to Home Alone go, it’s the best. As films from the Rambo franchise, it’s the worst. Tagline: The Legend Comes Home Entire Story in Two Sentences: Our nation’s problems with opiate addiction can be solved by a sufficient application of machetes, knives, and high explosives. Homo-Eroticism: None! […]
Rambo – Last Blood
September 25, 2019 by
Film Title
Rambo: Last BloodSynopsis
Rambo makes the Mexican Drug Cartel pay for Trump’s Wall
Director
Adrian GrunbergCast
Sylvester Stallone (That's all that matters)
It: Chapter Two
September 11, 2019 by
Film Title
It Chapter TwoSynopsis
The Loser’s Club turns into a loser of a movie.
Director
Andy MuschiettiCast
Jessica Chastain as frazzled romantic interest
James McAvoy as team leader
Bill Hader stealing every scene, as comic relief
Isaiaha Mustafa, as the call to action
Jay Ryan, as brooding love interest
James Ransome, as neurotic voice of hesitation
Bill Skarsgard, doing his best to prove that clowns aren't scary.
Fair Value of It Chapter Two: $.50. I wouldn’t turn it off if it was an airplane movie. Is It Scary? Aw fuck no. I’ll put it this way: I was never scared by haunted houses because I know that people are going to try to scare me. On the other hand, deep woods and […]
Lords of Chaos
March 10, 2019 by
Film Title
Lord of ChaosSynopsis
Violence erupts as a Norwegian teen attempts to launch Black Metal in Oslo.
Director
Jonas AkerlundCast
Rory Caulkin as Eurynomos
Emory Cohen as Varg
Jack Kilmer as Pelle 'Dead' Ohlin
Sky Ferreira as the love interest
Valter Skarsgard as 'Faust' Eithun
Fair Value of Lords of Chaos: $18.00. One of the best comedies I’ve seen in a while. A Spinal Tap for my generation, deadpan and wry. Is This Film Worth My Time? You’re either going to laugh, or you’re going to be very disturbed, at the antics of the Scandinavian misanthropes that populate this film. […]
Alita: Battle Angel
March 6, 2019 by
Film Title
Alita: Battle AngelSynopsis
A deactivated female cyborg is revived, but cannot remember anything of her past life and goes on a quest to find out who she is.
Director
Robert RodriguezCast
Rosa Salazar as the Chosen Waif aka Big Eyes, Small Emote
Keean Johnson as Dawson's Creek in the Year 3000
Christopher Waltz as your friendly neighborhood ripperdoc.
Jennifer Connelly as Older Women are sinister
Mahershala Ali as The Man
Ed Skrein as Insufferable Recurring Lesser Villain
Jackie Earle Haley as Battle Shrek
Alita: Battle Angel 2 hours 2 minutes, PG-13 for ample cyborg ultraviolence (gore doesn’t count as long as it’s wires and not blood) Fair Value of Alita: Battle Angel- $8.00 Crunchy popcorn, even if the oil’s synthetic. Lavish visuals and an imaginative world with an underwhelming core, like an old computer with a flashy casemod. […]
Suspiria (2018)
November 16, 2018 by
Film Title
Suspiria (2018)Synopsis
A remake that doesn’t quite make it
Director
Luca GuadagninoCast
Dakota Johnson
Tilda Swinton
Doris Hick
Malgorzata Bela
Angela Winkler
Suspiria (2018) Fair Value of the new Suspiria: $0.00 . There are so many better films that this remake derives from. The original Suspiria, The Ninth Gate, Lords of Salem– for films about witchcraft, you have a lot of more striking options. Catholic Horror versus Protestant Horror: Watching this remake of a genre-defining Giallo film […]
Bad Times at the El Royale
October 15, 2018 by
Film Title
Bad Times at the El RoyaleSynopsis
Seven strangers, each with dark secrets to bury, meet at the El Royale Hotel in Lake Tahoe
Director
Drew GoddardCast
Cynthia Erivo as Dreamgirls taking a Wrong Turn
Jeff Bridges as grizzled
Jon Hamm as paranoid secret agent man
Chris Hemsworth as Charles Manson, Superstar!
Dakota Johnson as Chris Hemsworth's ex-girlfriend
Nick Offerman as an old school gangster
Lewis Pullman, as the in over his head bellboy/ desk clerk
Bad Times at the El Royale 2 hours 11 minutes, R for Tarantino-Style Gun Play (with comparable levels of blood splatter) Fair Value of Bad Times at the El Royale: $4.00. Its a solid choice as a streaming rental, solid without being particularly distinct, entertaining enough. Norman Bates, Travis Bickle, The Manson Family, and Nixons […]
BlacKkKlansman (2018)
August 15, 2018 by
Film Title
BlacKkKlansman (2018)Synopsis
Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?
Director
Spike LeeCast
Alec Baldwin
Adam Driver
John David Washington
Laura Harrier
Harry Belafonte
2 hours 15 minutes, Rated R for bombings and lynchings. Fair Value of BlacKkKlansman (2018): $12.00. Its the first film I’ve seen this summer worthy of a Best Picture nomination. Invisible Empire: Racism is the central ideology of the American Empire. I know you’re going to throw democracy and liberty in my face- but that’s […]
Mission Impossible Six: Fallout
July 29, 2018 by
Film Title
Mission Impossible Six: FalloutSynopsis
Bad guys have stolen a nuke, blah blah blah. Want to destroy civilization, blah blah. Your mission, blee blo. Rag-tag team of misfits, scoodily poopy rum tum tum.
Cast
Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, Super-Generic
Henry Cavill as American Dad
Rebecca Ferguson as Black Widow
Ving Rhames as Wise and Experience Black Man
Simon Pegg as comic relief
Angela Bassett as sinister CIA red herring
Sean Harris as The Unabomber.
Vanessa Kirby as Misplaced Bond Girl.
Mission Impossible Six: Fallout 2 hours 27 minutes, PG-13 for boiling coolant to the face. Fair Value of This Film: $3.00. Some good stunt work, but nothing really sets this film apart from the franchise. As generic as a Honda Accord. I saw this film twenty minutes ago and I’m already starting to forget it. […]
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
June 24, 2018 by
Film Title
Jurassic World: Fallen KingdomSynopsis
This time we light the bird’s ancestors on fire
Director
J.A. BayonaCast
Chris Pratt
Bryce Dallas Howard
Rafe Spall
James Cromwell
Ted Levine
Justice Smith
Daniella Pineda
Toby Jones
Jeff Goldblum
BD Wong
Isabella Sermon
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is 2 hrs 8 minutes, PG-13 for maiming and people get used as chew toys Basic Concept: Jurassic Park, except this time we light the dinosaurs on fire. What? There’s a volcano erupting on the Jurassic Park island, and so, you have a lot of stampeding dinosaurs that may also be […]
Incredibles 2
June 21, 2018 by
Film Title
Incredibles 2Synopsis
Mr. Incredible babysits while Elastigirl saves the world
Director
Brad BirdCast
Samuel L. Jackson
Holly Hunter
Craig T. Nelson
Sarah Vowell
Bob Odenkirk
Catherine Keener
1 Hour 34 Minutes, G Special Warning: Incredibles 2 has scenes with bright high-intensity flashing patterns that may induce epileptic episodes. Also, this film is chock full of subliminal messages (courtesy of the villain)- if you believe in the effect of subliminals, this is a film to avoid. Fair Value Rating of The Incredibles 2: […]
