Even with the departure of George Bush, there is no doubt that the insane assault on teaching evolutionary theory in public schools will be stepped up. One only has to look at the “great” state of Texas , which has replaced one religious nut with yet another religious nut, Gail Lowe. As Steven Schafersman of Texas Citizens for Science points out, “Lowe will do what the radical religious right powers want her to do. She will not stop the continuing politicization of public education in Texas by the Fundamentalist Christians who still have positions of power and influence. It will be business as usual, as as usual, public education and the students and teachers of the state will suffer.” Fortunately, due to the efforts of people like The National Center for Science Education, these efforts have been thwarted in every case, but the Creationists keep trying, sticking their religious noses where they do not belong.

I, for one, am getting rather tired of the ignorant ramblings of Creationists who are hell-bent or replacing solid, established science with religious superstition. Why don’t Creationists just read a couple of relevant books that attempt to explain the undeniable presence of evolution in our natural world? But no, they have to insist that their ridiculous creation story deserves equal time in a thinly veiled attempt to dress up Genesis to go to school as science.

The main thrust of Creationist efforts stem from their nauseating bleat that “Evolution is only a theory”. From that point they try to take it further down the slippery slope, insinuating that if it is only a theory then it must be little more than a guess and should not be considered as a viable explanation of the wide variety of life that we observe on earth today.

Well, evolution is a theory and it is also a fact. Evolution is defined as a change in allele frequency in a population over time. Evolution has been observed in nature. Evolutionary Theory, explains the mechanisms of evolution (the fact). Scientific Theories are not merely guesses as the ignorant Creationists try to portray them. Scientific Theories describe a large set of observations with as few arbitrary elements as possible. Good theories make predictions about future events and are always falsifiable. This means that there must be some way to render the theory false, if indeed it is false. A good theory also shows a mechanism, and in the case of evolutionary theory, the mechanism of natural selection has been widely observed and demonstrated.

Evolutionary theory is the cornerstone of the biological sciences and without it nothing makes any sense at all. Evolutionary Theory has become stronger and stronger throughout the years despite many attempts to falsify it. Sure, scientists have disagreed about the specific mechanism of evolution, but to try to use this as a wedge to discredit evolutionary theory and sneak their god in the back door of the Science classroom is dishonest and laughable. Creationism is not a theory or a fact and I challenge any creationist to show me just one tenet of creationism that is scientific, just one.

In fact, Creationism is the opposite of science. In a nutshell, science observes, then explains. Creationism starts with a rigid conclusion and then looks around for natural phenomena that might support this conclusion. This is the same thing as shooting an arrow into a wall and then painting a bull’s eye around it. Science is self-correcting and ever changing. If a theory is falsified, science picks itself up and starts looking for another explanation, for science has no other agenda. Creationism cannot be falsified, it is inflexible, never changing. Creationism is religious dogma and nothing else.

I have a few questions for Creationists:

• Please use creationism to explain the development of drug-resistant strains of bacteria. Ask your doctor why you need to take all of your antibiotics when prescribed. That is evolution, observable, verifiable and demonstrated in your own body.
• Please provide a creationist explanation of sickle-cell anemia’s relationship to malaria, the Peppered Moth, Australian rabbits and myxomatosis, or the presence of gills and tails in the early embryonic stages of virtually all vertebrates (including humans). Use your precious and much vaunted but never demonstrated creation “model” to explain the presence of vestigial hind legs in numerous snakes and whales. Explain why God would have created over 250,000 different species of beetle. Why did God create over 2,000 different varieties of fruit-fly (25% of which can only be found in Hawaii)? Why did God create muscles that allow us to move our ears? What is our appendix for?
• There are some 8,600 species of birds so far described and 3,700 species of mammals. 20,000 species of fish are documented out of an estimated 40,000 believed to exist. Known insect species number over 850,000 and this is estimated as being fewer that 1/5 or even 1/10 of the total number in extant. The number of catalogued flowering plant species is over 286,000 and about 4,000 more are catalogued every year. The number of different species of fungi is in excess of 40,000. If you add it all up you get over 1.6 billion different forms of life on this planet. Since over 99% of all life forms that have ever existed are now extinct we end up with a total species number of as high as 16 billion. Please explain why your creator went to all this effort only to give one species any special favors. How did Noah manage to place at least 3.2 billion different life forms on the ark?
• Which of Noah’s children were black? Which were Korean, East Indian, Hispanic? Which had blue eyes, green eyes, hazel eyes, brown eyes? Which were albino? Which of Noah’s children had brown hair, black hair, blonde hair? Which of Noah’s children had syphilis, AIDS, gonorrhea, tuberculosis, polio, smallpox? Which of Noah’s children had congenital heart defects?

Come on, big mouths, put up or shut up. Lets see this creationism of yours start explaining things. No one needs to defend evolution any more. That hasn’t needed to be been done for over 100 years. If you can’t get with the program, get out of the game and relegate Creationism to where it belongs, in classes on Religion, not Science. Only the irrational, the intellectually impaired and the incredibly stupid can’t see that evolution theories such as theory of change by decent through modification are the only demonstrable means of explaining the wide diversity of life that we observe on this planet.

This issue makes the U.S.A. a laughingstock to the rest of the world and should have been dead and buried decades ago. It makes me sick to have to continue to fight this flood of ignorance in this day and time, but hopefully truth and science will prevail and mankind will one day throw off this yoke of myth and superstition.

Miracle on 34^th Street is a timeless Christmas classic, a much-loved black and white film about the existence of Santa Claus and Christmas miracles. Like many of the Christmas classics, reality and logic are suspended in a supreme test of faith. Also, in predictable fashion to secure an uplifting triumph, the existence of Santa Claus is validated, not only but the courts and government agencies, but by Santa himself in the form of a miraculous housing find, all without the aid of GPS. This is all necessary to cover the plot and themes of this movie, as I am confident that everyone has seen it.

“Faith is something you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe.” — Archie Bunker

So, what is there not to like about this wonderful, poignant, Oscar-winning Christmas movie? Plenty, I say. As you might expect of a movie made in the 1940’s, there is no cursing, no boobies or snide sexual innuendos, no blood, and very little violence. There is, however, an undercurrent of evil that is beyond distasteful as to be despicable. In this movie, there are several disturbing themes that I gathered up, the most striking being the blatant pedophilia.

In the second scene of the movie, good old “Uncle Fred” has a pedo’s dream date, Susan, in his apartment, ALONE, to watch the Christmas parade. Yes, I know there was a Negress cook watching them through a window, but what is a Negro going to say, in the mid-1940s, about a White Man who is also a lawyer? Not a goat-damned thing, that’s what. Fred was gaining her confidence, not to get at her mother, but to get at her. Let’s face it, Doris Walker is hotter than hot, tall, beautiful and intelligent, but there is nothing in the movie that indicates that Fred is interested in her outside of the context of the girl. He clearly needs the girl.

In the trial, does Lawyer Fred call an expert adult as a witness? No, the pederast calls to the stand a little kid in knickers, and then proceeds to stare at his crotch during the entire interview. No scene is more telling, though, than the bedroom interaction where Fred and Kris are comparing notes on how to bugger kids. Nothing in me thinks that “whiskers in or out” applies to the bed sheets, but it did apply to something else; something much too shocking to discuss in this review.

Kris Kringle! What can I say? Paging the Pedo Bear and the party van, your patient is ready. Over the top, off the chart, this guy is a seasoned and successful kiddy-diddler, no question. Think about what Kris does all day long: hands on tiny butts, butts on lap, pressuring the tots to reveal their secret desires to be delivered only after the adults have gone to sleep. I have no doubt that this was what Kris was thinking when he was singing to the little Dutch girl.

“Laat me uw kousen neer trekken en hen inspecteren voor slijtage zodat mijn elves u sommige nieuwe degenen voor Kerstmis, mijn beste meisje kunnen maken.”

Kris and Fred double-team the precocious Susan, working in tandem to erode her will to resist their advances. Kringle masterfully convinces Susan to role play and pretend to be a monkey. We are mercifully spared the obvious next act of him role playing a gray-bearded banana. This childhood acting trauma is undoubtedly what drove Natalie to try to inhale the Pacific Ocean in 1981. We’ll never know for sure.

Alfred is a shuffling, sweeping loser with an eating disorder who wants to be a Santa. Other than self-abuse, this is obviously his only avenue to sex with other humans, as he lacks the modern-day benefit of RealDolls and Fleshlights. Kris Kringle is enraged when Granville Sawyer tries to derail his protégé of an incubating child molester and storms his office to intervene.

I cannot go further into this review without commenting on the dreadful mistreatment of the movie’s unsung hero, one Granville Sawyer. As the only sane cast member in the movie, he instantly recognizes Kris Kringle’s depravity and delusions, and tries to head off lawsuits and chaos by having the maniac and deeply disturbed Santa fired. For these efforts as a responsible executive, he is physically attacked by Kris Kringle and publicly humiliated and fired by the C.E.O., all for nothing more than doing his job.

In a hearing that was a mockery of the senses as much as a mockery to the judicial system and logic [“Can you prove that there is not a Santa Claus”? –Pedo Fred] we are exposed to not only this, but a judge who was totally under the beck and call of Union Boss Charlie Halloran. In what should have been a cut and dried case for Kris Kringle to be convicted, sentenced and executed for his crimes, the cigar-wielding Fred Mertz convinces the spineless judge to consider acquitting Kris.

As everyone knows, Kris was set free, aided by the United States Post Office, an official branch of the United States Government. In a turn of events worthy of Curly, Larry and Moe, a yahoo mail sorter jumps over the Supreme Court of the State of New York and circumvents the 1^st Amendment to declare Kris Kringle as Santa Claus. Jesus Goat, only in America, I say.

Miracle my ass.

Special Ruthless Ratings

• Was this the most outrageous Christmas Classic ever? No, It’s a Wonderful Life, which I flat out refuse to watch or review
• Come on, was Kringle really a threat for violence? Yes, check out the parade scene when he threatened to horsewhip the Santa
• Was pedophilia his worst perversion? No, check out his employment card
• Number of beers required to make this movie watchable. About 18
• Number of beers required to make Doris Walker look hot. None, she was smoking

At this special time of the year, when our senses and sensibilities are assaulted non-stop by Christmas bacchanalia and bullshit, there is one Christmas tradition that I tolerate, as much as I hate Christmas and Jesus. A Christmas Story, written by Jean Shepherd and directed by Bob Clark, is a family Christmas tradition that is aired in a continuous loop Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by TBS. This is a Christmas movie, but THANK THE FUCK CHRIST there was only one fleeting and unimportant reference to the Baby Jesus or anything remotely religious. I tolerate it for this reason and I love it for the darker commercial side that it gives to this bloated, hijacked holiday.

As much as I love the Scrooge classics, I must grudgingly admit that A Christmas Story is the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Please don’t be distracted by the fact that it is a Christmas movie or that the setting showcases a traditional American Family Christmas in the immediate post-war era. The enthusiastic, third-person narration by Jean Sheppard is fantastic and, ultimately, the key to the entire movie. The dialogue is hilarious, and every scene warms my blackened heart with sometimes almost perverse hilarity.

All of the acting is superior, but Darren McGavin is wonderfully perfect as Mr. Parker, the crusty Old Man. Mr. Parker loves turkey as much as he loaths the Bumpus hounds and the old, smoky furnace. The Old Man’s histrionics “who in the heat of battle could weave a tapestry of profanity that as far as anyone knows is still hanging in the air somewhere over Lake Michigan,” were a marvel to behold, as he went to war with furnaces, frozen Oldsmobiles, the Bumpus’ hounds, and blown fuses; all with a passion not unlike Patton trying to push the Germans into the Urals.

If you’ve read this far, you may wonder what this white-bread, uplifting, family-structured movie has to do with Ruthless Reviews. I’ll tell you what, and it has everything to do with the likeable, bespectacled little Ralphie. A deeper analysis of Ralphie’s character reveals a ruthlessness and focus that would be the envy of a seasoned serial killer. Christmas is the time during which the entire kid-dom year evolves and Ralphie demonstrates time and time again that nothing will get in the way of him getting the Christmas goods. Cloaking this “dark side” perfectly in the simple setting of family and tradition, Ralphie toggles between solving real world obstacles and his bizarre reveries of achievements that will bring him closer to his goal. No scene demonstrates this better than when Ralphie’s efforts are interrupted by a “snowball sandwich,” delivered by the feared, yellow-eyed bully Scut Farkus. Fresh from a C+ and “You’ll shoot your eye out” red penciling on his school essay, Ralphie snaps, and attacks and beats bloody and senseless a much larger boy in a murderous, white-hot attack laced with obscenities. I’m convinced that only the intervention of Ralphie’s mother saved Farkus from being beaten to death at the hands of this BB gun-stalking maniac. Not only were bullies and enemies sacked by the ruthless Ralphie, but friends and family alike fared little better. Little Ralphie did not hesitate to abandon friends to an icy flagpole, a grinning Farkus, or to instantly implicate an innocent fellow 10-year-old as the source of an f-bomb that was blurted out. He blames it on the Jew, rightly enough, to uphold a time honored tradition!

Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating]: Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie: Schwartz!

In a great scene that personifies kiddy disillusionment and enlightenment, Ralphie is comfortably willing to let his younger brother piss himself as he spins the magical wheel of the Little Orphan Annie decoder ring, only to realize, “Son of a bitch! A crummy commercial!” in a powerful moment of final realization. Another hilarious reverie of Ralphie’s is the bedroom hallucination after his mouth has been washed out with Lifebuoy soap. He is clearly willing to gouge out his eyes with #2 pencils for the sole purpose of laying on a lifetime of unbearable guilt on his parents for blinding him with soap poisoning. Hey, this is great stuff.

All of the scenes are pretty memorable, but there were a couple of standouts that I will comment on here. The Department Store Santa scene has to be one of the most bizarre and satisfying scenes of the movie, and was undoubtedly the inspiration for the movie Bad Santa. This scene was a surreal, spinning kiddy love/hate/fear nightmare, complete with a red-nosed Santa, surly elves, a totally creepy kid in goggles, and even the Wizard of Oz characters. Even the super focused Ralphie succumbs to the intimidation of Santa and the Elves and forgets his mission until the bitter end. The drunken Santa firing the salvo of, “You’ll shoot Your Eye out Kid,” was a crushing setback for the desperate Ralphie

The Chinese Restaurant! This scene could never be recreated in this era of political correctness and resultant sore butts from each and every ethnic group with feelings hurt about dead-on-the-mark stereotyping. Chinese Restaurants are open when everything else is closed, whether it is blizzard-like Christmas evening, or in the middle of a raging Hurricane Katrina. No more than one individual speaks Engrish at these places, and the “Fa-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra” was both hilarious and right on the money. If you disagree with me, you are wrong. This scene also reinforced the Parkers as a nuclear family making the best of a catastrophe, and it was wonderfully shot and just damn near perfect, just like the rest of this classic black comedy, masquerading as a Christmas movie.

Special Ruthless Ratings

• The number of times you rushed out and purchased a Red Ryder BB gun after watching this movie -Dozens, I have a closet full, still in the box
• Did you think that Mrs. Parker was hot, especially in the bathrobe -Of course!
• What did you think of them using the F _ _ _ word in a family movie -It was great!
• The number of time you paused this movie to do something else – Not once
• Did this movie inspire you to eat duck instead of turkey? – Nope

A story of manipulation, terror, torture and death, where a middle-aged businessman and taxpayer  is harassed and brutalized by religious zealots who in total disregard of individual liberties,  use sleep deprivation, hallucinations, coercion and death threats to “convince’ this man to see things their way.

No, I’m not talking about events in Iraq, Beirut Lebanon, or Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, I am talking about an innocent little tale written by Charles Dickens, various renditions of a movie that has been watched by millions at Christmas time.  These movies are supposed to be happy stories of redemption, but after the transparent veneer of religious claptrap is peeled away, they are exposed as tales of horrifying terror, brutal intolerance and merciless mental and physical torture.

There are numerous versions of this classic Christmas tale, but I watched and will review the following three:
A Christmas Carol (1984) (TV) -George C. Scott as Scrooge
A Christmas Carol (1999) (TV)-Patrick Stewart as Scrooge
Scrooge-A musical (1970) -Albert Finney as Scrooge

For those who are not familiar with the story, here is a synopsis:
Ebenezer Scrooge is a money lender and a loner who does not believe in or celebrate Christmas.  Because of this lack of belief, Scrooge is visited on Christmas Eve by four spirits. First by his deceased partner, Marley, and then by three other spirits — those of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.  The purpose of the visits is to convince Scrooge to reflect on his life and behavior, experience redemption, and to emerge from the experience a believer in Christmas and a generous and changed man.

As you might expect, the most watchable version was the one in which Scrooge was played by George C. Scott.  The power of George C. absorbs the character of Scrooge and he is absolutely perfect in the role.  His supporting cast is excellent, especially David Warner as Bob Cratchit. George C. Scott alone is ample reason to own this DVD, as he is one of the most amazing actors ever.  Highly recommended. The Patrick Stewart version was the weakest of the three, but the special effects were quite good. And the great Richard Grant was Bob Cratchit! Worth a watch for Grant, if nothing else. The hated Albert Finney (Big Fish) does an admirable acting job in the musical version, but as you might imagine, the movie was overly long and tedious, while the music was horrid.  Highlights, other than Finney’s acting, were Alec Guinness as Marley, the depiction of hell, and those giant chains. Fast forward through the musical numbers, but don’t miss the hell scene; it is great.

All three versions follow the story line faithfully.  Carolers carol, wasselers wassel, Scrooge repents (and is redeemed), and Tiny Tim is spared. Your average holiday viewer views the Dickens tale as a wonderful moral lesson, a triumph of the human spirit over crass commercialism, and a fitting tribute to the Baby Jesus. A closer, unbiased, and more critical analysis of this classic Christmas story reveals something else, however.

Scrooge is a man after my own heart.  He is smart and successful, savvy in the matters of business, and loathes other people, wanting only to be left alone.  Ebeneezer Scrooge is infuriated by those who will not leave him alone and becomes helpless in stopping the tide of relatives and do-gooders who are on a mission to change his beliefs, like it or not.  The behavior that is condoned in this movie is chilling, unmistakable, and familiar. The message of this story is that it is okay to use the despicable practices of torture and terror to promote your religious agenda.  It is okay for a law-abiding and legitimate businessman to be brutalized for his lack of religious beliefs.  It is okay to disregard legitimate business contracts because of your own fiscal irresponsibility and poor decisions.  Scrooge provides a much needed service by issuing B-C loans to marginal credit risks, providing much needed liquidity into the economy of his city. The loans appear to be mostly unsecured and very risky. There is absolutely no evidence that Mr. Scrooge is doing anything underhanded or illegal, he merely loans money to people who borrow it from him of their own free will, and he tries to collect it when it is due.  For this service, Scrooge is loathed and resented by those who, instead of taking responsibility for their own behavior, embrace superstition, religious holidays, and pray for his death.

In an unforgettable night of terror, Scrooge is abused mentally and physically by uninvited spirits, as he deprived of sleep, humiliated, and threatened with death unless he “redeems” himself and becomes a believer in Christmas.  This central theme is no different from what is practiced by modern day Christianity.  The only thing that Scrooge was guilty of was his genuine desire to separate himself from the spectacle and hypocrisy of Christmas.  His only crime was that he wanted to be left alone.

In spite of the appearance of numerous ghosts and spirits in the movie, Tiny Tim is by far the most terrifying and nauseating character in A Christmas Carol.   Instead of being bitter, hopeless and suicidal over his small stature and crippling afflictions, he is cheerful and glib, and can induce more vomiting than a cattle car full of bulbous-headed midgets in clown suits.  Tiny Tim teaches us that it is quite all right to be crippled and living under a death sentence because it reminds us of the Christ who healed the sick and lame. The fact that there is no Christ around to prevent him from dying a horrible death from the ravages of polio is conveniently never mentioned.  The only salvation for Tiny Tim is Scrooge’s money; no gods required. He sings “Silent Night” and is continually saying “God bless us, each and every one”, as well as other cliched phrases that made me want to beat him to a lifeless, bloody pulp with the fat end of his crutch.

Only slightly less sickening are Bob Cratchit and his pandering wife.  Typical breeders and deeply religious, the Cratchits are content to pump out their defective hellspawn despite their inability to adequately feed them.  Scrooge’s annoying nephew Fred is no less disturbing, as he is a notoriously poor listener who undoubtedly has designs on his uncle’s fortune.

In the version where Scrooge was played by Albert Finney, the real message of this is starkly displayed in a horrifying set that looked straight out of Revelations.  The message is clear, unambiguous, and chilling.  Believe…..or else.  After the visit from the third spirit, Christmas Future, a harried, thoroughly terrified and tortured Scrooge was faced with a horrible penalty for his sins.  For merely not celebrating Christmas and bowing to the beliefs of the Christ Worshipers,   not only was he sentenced to certain death, but he was depicted as being hurtled to the bowels of hell for his “crimes”.  Upon finding himself in the place of eternal damnation and torture, Scrooge soon learns the depths of Christian depravity and is sentenced to spend eternity in a facsimile of his accounting office as a clerk of Satan, chained to a post with “nibbling” rats running around.  “Diabolical” Marley coos as he leaves Scrooge to his fate.  Mind you, this sentence of eternal torture is for merely choosing to be left alone and for not sharing the bizarre fantasies and hallucinations that possess the Christian brain at the end of December. This is a holiday that was stolen by the Christians from the Pagans, the celebration of the return of the sun; the winter solstice festivals.  This scene is the greatest trailer for Christianity I have ever seen, showing the cruel depravity of the death cultists.

Why is it that such behavior and mindset are perfectly okay when done in the name of the Baby Jesus, but would instantly be labeled as terrorism if done in the name of some other god?  This is exactly what makes Christianity so odious and distasteful to non-Christians, i.e. the arrogance and disregard for the basic human rights of those who choose to not embrace the Christmas lunacy.

The movie ends poorly as individual rights and personal responsibility are swept away by the hysteria of the religious holiday.  Through intimidation and terror, Scrooge is convinced to recant his non-belief and the hordes of believers sweep in to separate Scrooge from his hard-earned resources and fortune.  The message is very clear:

Merry Christmas….each and every one……or else.

Sayeth the Goat…

Tigerland is a must see for those of us who survived an era when NOT going to and DYING in Vietnam was simply a way of life. This is a totally different war movie as we do not see the inevitable combat and death, but instead it deals with the dread and anticipation of knowing you will have to go. Because I identify with this film, Tigerland is my pick for best Vietnam era film. Movies don’t have to be glitzy to be good. The acting and direction make this a memorable film, because it deals not with fighting and winning the war, but with the awful realization that you have to die in a war that is already lost. It doesn’t quite rank up there with Apocalypse Now or Full Metal Jacket, but what does? [Ed Note: Hamburger Hill]

Joel Schumacher of all people creates a documentary-style film that was made with hand-held cameras, unknown actors, and shot in only 28 days. The gritty, brutal reality of boot camp is displayed with stark realism, a harbinger of the imminent date with combat. This is a film for men and about men.

Colin Ferrell is wonderful as Bozz, the smoothest quasi-soldier that you will ever see in a uniform. He is totally cool, calm and collected, testing and tweaking his military superiors, getting their goat at every opportunity. Intimidated by no one, his irreverence for the Army and its authority is only matched by his compassion for his fellow soldiers. Bozz is Jesus Christ (The last shot at the Tigerland hell camp shows Bozz in a brilliant light, almost Christ-like) with a psychology degree….and a pretty fair jail house lawyer too. In the spirit of Catch-22, Bozz is an expert at Section 8, but ironically, cannot get himself out of the war. . How cool is Bozz? After being put on report and not given a weekend pass, he beats his buddies to town and has already scored dope and pussy by the time they get there.

There are several top notch acting performances by the unknowns in this film, such as Clifton Collins and Tom Guiry. They portray Miter and Cantwell, two soldiers that shouldn’t be there. Miter totally cracks under pressure, losing his status as platoon leader as he falls from grace. Bozz consoles, counsels and redeems this heart-broken soldier, counseling him to find his way out of the war.

The plot is a simple one and a scenario that I remember quite well. Young men were conscripted for an illegal and immoral war, and they didn’t want to go. This movie depicted the bitter end of the Vietnam War, when there were no longer any secrets about its futility or the stark reality and likelihood of losing your life halfway around the world for nothing. The officers, drill sergeants and the men knew that they were only going through the motions, that the war was lost, and yet the cannon of death still needed to be foddered.

HOMOEROTICISM

While not an 80s Action film, the undeniable truth of man’s lust for his fellow man is still quite high. The only women in this movie are fucked hard and put away wet; assorted whores and a transsexual that helps Bozz score dope and plan his escape. After picking up a couple of the local girls, Bozz and Jim fuck their eyelids off then kick back to smoke some dope. Bored, the girls get dressed and leave, leaving the two men with each other, completely naked. You see Bozz’s naked ass as he goes to the door, walks out in the hall and states, “The girls are gone.” They don’t care and they are naked. They obviously don’t need the girl(s).

ONE LINERS

“Since when did ‘My country, right or wrong’ become “Fuck this shit?” –Exasperated Captain Saunders, dealing with Bozz’s ability to get Section 8s for other soldiers

“No, really, I’m a butcher. I cut meat.” –Miter

“What else they gonna do? Send us to Viet-Fucking-Nam?” –Bozz

“Yes, I do, Private. Don’t go!” –Sgt. Cota at Tigerland when asked if he had any advice on how to stay alive in Vietnam

“Why would I want to do that to another human being?” –Bozz

“Just cause you got the stripes don’t mean you ain’t gonna die.” –Srgt.

“The pop is the sound made when your head comes out of your ass for the first time.” –Private Johnson to Wilson

SPECIAL RUTHLESS RATINGS:

• The number of times I silently gave thanks to Richard Nixon and the draft lottery: 689
• The number of times I regretted not going to Vietnam: 0
• Did you love it when Bozz beat the shit out of that suck-up Wilson: Yes
• Did you laugh when Wilson asked for an apology the next day: Yes
• Is this the best effort that Colin Ferrel has ever done: Unfortunately, yes
• How about Joel Schumacher: Same answer. See Batman and Robin….no wait, don’t

Directed by Ridley Scott

Written by Dan O’Bannon

Starring:
- Tom Skerritt as Dallas
- Sigourney Weaver as Ripley
- Veronica Cartwright as Lambert
- Harry Dean Stanton as Brett
- John Hurt as Kane
- Ian Holm as Ash
- Yaphet Kotto as Parker
- Bolaji Badejo as Alien

Every time I view Alien
I can’t help but to marvel at this timeless masterpiece horror classic,
the best of its genre ever made. Ridley Scott, with the help of
breathtaking, brilliant Alien design from Oscar-winner H.R. Giger,
takes the viewer to the very end of the nightmare tunnel, the darkest
recesses of the worst nightmare. And maybe a little farther. This movie
was made on a shoestring budget and the old fashioned way; with
imagination and talent. The end result is the absolute
epitome of horror that gets better with age. The Nostromo is a mining
ship, a huge towing vessel, complete with dark, claustrophobic and
unforgiving sets. Most of these these were made out of old airplane
parts and the result was and still is a spectacular achievement in
horror. The flickering lights, gently swaying and clanking chains and
dripping water all providing a sinister environment for a most
unwelcome guest.

The crew and cast are (or were) a blue-collar
lot of unknowns, but the chemistry and acting is superb, disturbing and
believable — enhancing the absolutely real horror that awaits each one
of them. There are no superheros here, as they were in no way prepared
for what awaited them. They are scared, and rightfully so, and no one
projects this better than Veronica Cartwright as Lambert, the very
embodiment of a hysterical, sobbing woman scared out of her wits…and
for very good reason. This is simply the scariest movie ever made, so
enough niceness and on with the review!

Alien is truly awesome from beginning to end. The hands on effort and
imagination of Ridley Scott is stunning, even in this day and age of
special effects and CGI. The designs of Giger are wildly original,
horrifically breathtaking and unforgettable. The editing by Terry
Rawlings was crisp and parsimonious, making for a perfect storm of a
horror flick. No one who has seen Alien will ever forget the
dinner scene, one of the most dramatic even to be presented to an
unwary viewer. Even the actors were unaware of what was coming down,
maximizing the effect of the event. Memorable!

Film can never get any badder than the Alien.
It is almost always dangerous to project an absolute about anything,
but as far as I am concerned, everyone else can just flush their
so-called monsters or baddasses down the sewer (Green Goblin in Spiderman?
Yeah, right!) I’m sorry, there just can’t be anything in reality or the
human imagination that can top this creature that we barely get to see
during most of this classic. The metaphorically rich design of this
snarling, biting, chomping, eviscerating and head-banging nightmare can
never be duplicated or topped. If you disagree with me, you are wrong.
If you think the Predator
had a bad attitude, you will not believe the unchartable hostility that
the Alien carries around as second nature. The Predator, as tough as he
was is about the equivalent of the Pillsbury Doughboy when compared to
this “bad boy”. Ash said it best, “It’s structural perfection is only
matched by its hostility…Perfect organism…unclouded by conscience,
remorse, or delusions of morality.” Chilling.

Every time I
revisit this movie, I must take pause to reflect on the enormous raw
talent and creativity that made it possible. The ships are organic,
almost alive as was terrifyingly demonstrated by the creepy, cavernous
spaceship that surrounded an even creepier Space Jockey. I cannot say
enough about the use of lighting and sound, both of which complimented
Goldsmith’s wonderful musical score. Ridley Scott is a genius; his
creativity with using ordinary objects and hands on attention
to detail make this film what it is. The design of the Alien monster is
a feat that will probably never be duplicated. As far as violence goes,
violent does not begin to describe his methodology….Heart-stopping is
more accurate.

From the terrifying sets to the even more
terrifying Alien, with a very sinister elongated head replete with rows
of smashing teeth, the viewer is uneasy and usually scared shitless,
time and time again. The movie literally oozes with organic evil as the
makers of Alien put on a clinic of how to scare you properly!
Ridley Scott shows you just enough to make your imagination and senses
run wild as the viewer only get glimpses of the terror of all terrors.

There
are 3 scenes in this movie that really stand out. First, of course is
the Last Supper chest-bursting scene. Much has been said and written
about this, you must see it to believe it, one of the most dramatic
scenes ever attempted on the screen. It was brilliant!

The
second scene was when Brett went to retrieve the cat, Jones. You just
knew, you just knew that when Brett went through those double doors
that something terrible was about to happen. The sets literally emanate
haunting malevolence as the aforementioned trio of inconsistent
lighting, the swaying, clanking chains, the dripping water and the
dirty, grimy mining machinery, are all poised to come alive at any
moment! Here is where first Jones and then the doomed Brett get a first
look at the monster and brother what a monster he is! I still get chill
bumps as Jones is a non-human witness to an unparalleled Ruthless
brutality with those chains still swaying and clanking. HELL YES!

he
third memorable scene employs what a great horror movie always employs
and that is the unexpected and ingenious plot twist. Ash is revealed as
a Company planted robot, charged with bringing the alien back to earth
in an ultra violent and equally terrifying reality check at Mother’s
console. That oozing milk-mouth, and the reverberating and super
chilling voice of the freshly decapitated Ash, did nothing to encourage
what was left of the Nostromo crew. He coldly let them have it between
the eyes as to what they were really up against. Unforgettable.

Preferred Ending:

Somehow it just didn’t seem right for Ripley to get the best of this Alien from
Hell, even with the brilliant twist of the monster stowing away
(again). My preferred ending is for the Alien to fall madly in love
with Ripley, squick her, (an amorous adventure that she unfortunately
will not survive) and to direct the craft to The White House, where he
again falls madly in love with First Lady Rosalyn Carter.

Special Ruthless Ratings:

• The number of times I realized this movie was 27 years old : ZERO, only Mother’s computer console looked dated, no big deal
• The number of times the oppressive sound-track made you reach for your knife: ZERO, it was magnificent
• The number of times you freeze framed to try to see Ripley’s Camel-Toe when she was semi-naked in the Escape Pod: 198
• The number of times you realized you were watching the scariest movie ever made: 27
• Were you surprised when the sequel, Aliens was damn near as good as this one?: Yes
• Was this Ridley Scott’s best work ever?: Yes; Blade Runner is a close second, though
• Didn’t he make Hannibal too?: Don’t remind me
• Anything else?: Nope

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Review Posted: 8.5.05