The United States Postal Service: Why It Must Be Saved Edition

When I was a kid, I went to grade school with a kid named Greg. His dad was a mailman. We all thought that was lame as fuck, and we used to harass him about it all the time. In a gym class locker room full of the sons of railroaders and General Dynamics plant […]

NFL Off-Season Report: The Brady Bunch Edition -or- tl;dr, A Wife’s Tale of a move

Tuesday March 17, 2020 Dear Diary: Today started out just like every other day. I woke up at the stroke of eleven, held my face over a simmering pot of raw wheat grass juice for eight minutes and twenty seconds, then had breakfast. Under the direction of Tom’s trainer, I’ve been eating the same breakfast […]

NFL Football: Super Bowl Sunday Edition

Here we are, again. Perhaps for the last time. The next second, let alone the next year, is undefined, but there are 1000 things happening around here, every second, every day, and especially every morning when I awake to hear them pounding outward from my temples. Let’s understand each other from Jump Street; this was […]

NFL Conference Championship: Send In The Clowns Edition

Well *yawn* another sweep. I haven’t done any year-end totals yet but my unofficial scratchpad math has us somewhere in the neighborhood of 52-26, 4 out of 5 on futures and props, and $347 to Save the Hampton House. We mostly do self-deprecation around here but if another handicapper has a comparable record – free […]

NFL Playoffs,Divisional Round: Time Is Of The Essence Edition

“I want to be the Brady. I want to be the Brady of Baltimore if I could.” “Or you can be me. I brought multiple [championships to Baltimore], too.” “You too! But you know he played quarterback, so that’s why I’m saying Tom Brady.” “Don’t play.” “[laughs, walks away]” –Lamar Jackson being interviewed by jealous […]

NFL Wild Card Week: Weep Again for the Poor Bills Edition, Because Watt Is Back

To quote legendary American songbird Marvin Lee “Meatloaf” Aday, “Motherfucker, you do not wanna fuck with me! You look in my eyes I am the last person in the fucking world you ever fucking wanna fuck with!” And two out of three ain’t baaaaaaad, of course. No excuses on the Browns loss though. I knew […]

NFL Week 17: Nappy-Headed ‘Hos Edition

Check your watches! By which I mean, like, just pretend people still wear appropriately-sized watches for a second. Okay? Everyone staring blankly at their wrist for no reason? Okay great, because it’s just about time for my GOD COMPLEX! Imagine me with fists in the air as Pachelbel’s Canon in D plays in the background. […]

NFL Week 16: Amazon Dot Everything Edition

HOLY HELL IT’S WEEK 16 unless we already did that callback? I don’t think so. Weird how fast this season seems, though. I think with the Thursday games being a season-long thing, Saturdays starting this week, and the way the college season is structured now, you never get a chance to take a breath and […]

NFL Week 15: Get Off My Lawn Edition

It’s been quite the week for keeping my language in check. I don’t mean self-censorship, and I’m not about to break out a bunch of Prager U Adam Carolla P.C.-culture-has-run-amok garbage. Some Asian girl at Oberlin with too much time on her hands had a bad idea. Some kids flip out during finals week. Big […]

NFL Week 14: Why Do We Even Bother Edition?

“Mrs. Duquesne” is a character as written. She does consider the Jets her favorite pro football team, and she does take the meaningful, competitive games too seriously some times, but I think we’ve all been guilty of that at some point. She did not, however, stalk Mark Sanchez via Snapchat, or write in Rex Ryan […]