NFL Week 11: Tots and Pears Edition

America, we’re back! Some aristocratic, some black. The whip ain’t got no crack, but we got a hell of a bang! 2-0-1, up two more units, and our good fortunes continue. I’ve heard tell of some of you receiving change after making purchases. At the liquor store, no less! Well God bless us all I […]

NFL Week 10: What’s The Difference Between Whinge and Moan Edition?

I’m in a tough spot. Despite literally working for Goat, the whole quick goat thinking concept is beyond me, so I am at a loss. Generally, the first paragraph is either a celebration or rumination regarding the games of the previous week. This is usually the paragraph for therapeutic cheer-leading or the tempering of expectations, […]

NFL Week 9: Deadspin’s Eulogy Edition

Hey, kids, have you enjoyed the strong back-to-back collections? If you’ve followed along the last two weekends, you are up ten units, and I absolutely love it. Since I make every bet I publish, I myself am riding the mini-wave. College has gone well too. Hell, back in Atlantic City I hit some genuinely big […]

NFL Week 8: National Astronaut Baseball Edition

*lights go down* *awkward silence* *chubby bald man kicks door open* HIT MY MOTHER FUCKING MUSIC! That’s right, gang. First clean sweep of the year, and not a minute too soon. Obviously, cometh the fire, cometh the siren; this won’t happen every week. However, for the time being, or at least the length of this […]

NFL Week 7: Popeye’s or Chick-Fil-A Edition

Well, it was bound to happen eventually. We split the baby for the first time last weekend, with wins from the Saints (thanks Pope!) and Cardinals, a Philly loss, and an absolute disgrace of a performance on the part of the Dallas Cowboys. They lost straight-up to the Jets on national television, and what’ worse, […]

NFL Week 6: The Joker Is Really On Us Edition

Call it immersion. Call it a cleansing. These are the interesting times the fortune cookies warned us about, my friends. Mind you, I refuse to sell you hope in any direction. As gamblers we swear off rooting interests, of course, though we also prize honestly. So tell the truth; in the past two years, did […]

NFL Week 5: They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? Edition

Monday you can hold your head. Tuesday, Wednesday stay in bed. Thursday to be honest I would have taken the Rams anyway. Last Sunday Jesus Christ did I get us kicked in the teeth, my bad Holmes. Okay, fine, it needs work. I guess I’m just not on The Cure’s level, not yet anyway. And […]

NFL Week 4: The Idiot In Chief Strikes Again Edition

Umm. Yay? I guess? Maybe? It seems our long national nightmare will continue unabated for the foreseeable future, but there appears to be a chance, perhaps slimmer than one would assume, that the pigheaded imbecile currently running this country might have to face some repercussions for his actions, seemingly for the first time in his […]

NFL Week 3: Boss T-Shirt Edition

So get a load of this. Nine days ago as I write this, a close friend of mine had an op ed published by the New York Times. And it’s not even your standard Ross Douthat Bret Stephens garbage, it’s actually really compelling. So how am I to rectify this with our friendship? I sure […]

NFL Week 2: It’s All About the Ace And Not The Trouble Edition

For many years, Antonio Brown’s sole claim to relevancy was limited to being one of the best wide receivers in the world. He grew up in Liberty City, Florida, much like the kids shown on the criminally underrated Friday Night Tykes, became a standout two-sport athlete, and did three years at Central Michigan University, perhaps […]