NFL Week 17

Not going to spend my time writing an elegy for the career of Jon Jones, or rather, what Jon Jones could have been. Part of me wants to. Part of me remembers what Jon Jones was, who Jon Jones was, back when he was begging the referee to make him stop battering his opponent, a […]

NFL Week 16: Why Is This Man Not Laughing Edition

I have a legitimate theory that sounds sort of crackpot-adjacent, but everything lines up upon close examination, and I am going to share it with you now: Miley Cyrus ended the U.S. occupation of Syria. No no no wait wait wait it’s a really good theory, for real.   It all makes sense and checks […]

NFL Week 15: Rocking Round the Xmas Tree Edition

NFL Week 15: Rocking Round the Xmas Tree Edition Welp, who dares wins, right? Breathe. Again. Relax. Were still at 500, and if you let Lamar Jackson’s told-em-so start cancel out the Chargers crossing the ten-win threshold, even the props roll back to zero. No excuses, of course, we don’t do that here. It is […]

NFL Week 14: TV Is The Tie That Binds Edition

All that work for nothing. All of that studying, number crunching, and 1863 words about minor league football later and we wind up with the ole Chuck Woolery. Did you know that hes an asshole now? I didn’t, until I had to find something to slap into the outbound link box. I’m not exactly surprised, […]

NFL Week 13: Hey, Look, It’s Real Football Edition

My bloodshot eyes are shifty. My head is on a swivel as I watch my P’s and Q’s, walking on eggshells along the straight and narrow. I used to be the new kid, the sexy up-and-comer bringing flash and pizzaz to an already stellar Ruthless roster. They even voted me Most Handsome And Popular Gambling […]

NFL Week 12: I Love The New York Post Edition

Wait wait wait! Hold your fire! I will concede that at first glance we had another down week, the second of two in a row for the first time all season, I think. However, some of you should have come out even or very close to it, because we hit the Lamar Jackson prop. The […]

NFL Week 11: Yes, Christmas Is Almost Here Edition

Yeah, I know. I’m right there with you *hears music, faces same*. One and three sucks balls. I’m especially salty because the Pats and Jets were favorites who not only failed to cover, but lost outright. But truth be told – and this may get a little sappy, I know – but the DMs and […]

NFL Week 10: Halloween Is Not Quite Over Yet Edition

Ready to talk some NFL football? Great! Me too. Here goes: *ahem* FUCK Tucker Carlson. My God, the Fainting Couch Repairman’s Union are probably calling guys who haven’t worked in years. It wasn’t just the usual charlatans, either. One expects the generally-worthless corporate media to react like the sheltered, rich cowards they are, and of […]

NFL Week 9: Our Democracy’s Last Chance Edition

Sooooooo. How has everybody been? Yeah, okay, I was a little on edge last week, and it came through on the page. Can you really blame me, though? The body count went from 11 to 13 as I was trying to craft jokes about a guy sending 14 bombs to people because his pretend boyfriend […]

NFL Week 8: Bomb ‘Em and Shoot ‘Em Edition

Here extended before you is the notorious hot hand. See me, feel me, touch me. But for Manning the younger and Odell Beckham Jr. combining for a garbage time touchdown and Saquon Barkley punching in an ultimately meaningless two-point conversion, all the while being scolded from the booth by Joe Tessitore, wed have run the […]