The war-iest of war movies. We’ve all seen what Christopher Nolan is capable of and it’s almost always been fantastic. We’re at a point now where “Directed by Christopher Nolan” is all that needs to be said to peak interest in a new movie. In other words, the opposite of “Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.” […]
Film TitleValerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
The result of 10,000 computers vomiting for 2 hours and 17 minutes.
Clive Owen (Seriously)
Ethan Hawke (Seriously)
Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is […]
Film TitleWish Upon
A high school girl makes wishes that end in unintentional comedy and novelty deaths.
DirectorJohn R. Leonetti
Ki Hong Lee
Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the funniest thing I’ve heard in my […]
Film TitleSpider-Man: Homecoming
Tom Holland and Marvel help us forget 13 years and 3 movies of shame.
Robert Downey Jr.
Now we can argue about the best Spider-Man actor. Do you realize it’s been thirteen years since the last good Spider-Man film? Spider-Man 2 was the last good one and Andrew Garfield was not better than Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I said it. The Amazing Spider-Man was bland and Garfield’s portrayal was mediocre and not sympathetic. […]
Film TitleBaby Driver
Worst title ever? In the context of the film, the title makes perfect sense. The main character is named Baby, he’s a getaway driver for heists, and he’s really young. In the context of wanting to sell more movie tickets, it’s maybe the worst title ever. When I first saw it on the advanced screening […]
Film TitleDespicable Me 3
Gru and family fight the 1980s.
DirectorPierre Coffin and Kyle Balda
How to entertain children and adults at the same time. As a kid of the eighties, Despicable Me 3 managed to remind me of how completely stupid was that entire decade. Stupid clothes, stupid trends, stupid catch phrases, and some really, really stupid music. Despicable Me 3 put those things back in the spotlight, simultaneously […]
Film TitleTransformers: The Last Knight
A run-on sentence, but with explosions. I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is Transformers: The Last Knight is the third best (and third worst) movie in the franchise. The bad news is it’s still a Transformers sequel. Yes, you read that right and you are wrong – the first Transformers movie […]
Film TitleCars 3
Larry the Cable Guy
You can take your stats and shove up them up your tailpipe. As a lifelong baseball fan, statistics are interesting to me, have been ever since I was a kid. I loved reading baseball articles that painted a fantastical picture of my favorite players doing seemingly otherworldly things and I loved how they weaved in […]
Cave art leads humans to their creators and black goo.
Prometheus (2012) The last time I saw a movie as incomplete as Prometheus was when I saw I am Legend. I remember leaving the theater after I am Legend being really disappointed and thinking there were twenty minutes missing that would have helped the movie make more sense. Lo and behold, the DVD included an […]
Film TitleThe Mummy (2017)
A secret organization battles an evil mummy with mercury and Tom Cruise.
Courtney B. Vance
No, a different mummy. Did you know that Universal Pictures is launching a whole franchise called Dark Universe? Maybe I’m slipping a bit on Hollywood current events because I had not heard so much as a whisper about this until screening the first film in the franchise – The Mummy – Tuesday night (June 7). […]