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10: COBRA

Cobra skewers and roasts Night Slasher

At number 10, the final death in Cobra is like the Tim Duncan to the Jordans, Kobes, and Lebrons of the other elite 80s Action deaths- perhaps it’s not the most flashy or memorable scene, but when you sit down and look at the end product, everything you could ask for is there-

1) Set in a factory that somehow uses giant hooks to manufacture large quantities of sparks and molten steel. Though obviously abandoned, the factory is humming along at full capacity, which includes like 20 random small fires. I’m not sure about the business model of the facility, but the scene opens with a hook rolling ominously behind the villain in a foreshadowing that can only be called artful.

2) Excellent foreplay. The back and forth between Cobra and Night Slasher over who will penetrate whom with what and their discourse on the failings of the liberal criminal justice system is a fine prelude, as educational as it is erotic. Did you know that it’s illegal for a cop to shoot a man who is threatening to kill him while armed with a sawed-off in one hand and a giant knife that is studded with smaller knives in the other hand? Night Slasher calls Cobra a pig at least four dozen times before finally demanding “take me in. Pig.” Out come the chains–not that there’s anything gay about leather-clad men calling each other “pig” during chain play.

3) Inept women. The bad chick briefly comes to the aid of Night Slasher, postponing his death for two minutes by jumping on Stallone’s back as Sly is about to squeeze the trigger, which has helpfully been labeled “fire.” She is promptly blasted. Stallone’s chick is of even less help, cowering in hiding, rather than blindsiding Night Slasher when he seems poised to kill Stallone. In an 80s Action male encounter, the only function of women is to remind us of their uselessness.

4) Great performances. Obviously, Sly is one of the greatest people ever to live. But Kudos also go to Brian Thompson. While blessed with simian sex appeal, he’s not afraid to die shrieking like a woman. Too many of the stuntmen and karate consultants who die in 80s action go out with pride, depriving us of the satisfaction of a final display of cowardice and agony. Not Thompson who, finally stuck on Sly’s steel, wails and claws pointlessly at the point of penetration in his back as he is dragged to immolation. He even tries to protect himself against a raging blast furnace by covering his face with his arm. Small deduction for going limp when he reaches the flames, rather than emitting a final, blood curdling scream, but this remains an elite novelty death.

5) Pre-mortem one liner: This is where the law stops… and I start.

9: ROADHOUSE

Local man unable to continue living without throat

Marshall Teague’s epic demise in Roadhouse ranks right up there with the very best novelty deaths that 80s action has to offer. While the mode of death is fairly unique, it’s the gritty, sweat-drenched pre-mortem fight that makes it one of my personal favorites. Teague’s character, Jimmy, is the embodiment of what you want in an 80s action henchman- he’s cocksure, wears an earring, leaves his chest exposed, has an accomplished martial arts background, and after knocking out the token fat guy, he uses the dude’s belly to vault himself onto a stage with a pool cue. Swayze, however, is the peaceful warrior– calm, calculating, and possibly heterosexual. Yet from the moment we see the two of them on screen together we know a bloody engagement of some kind is imminent.

After blowing up the old landlord’s house, Jimmy rides off on a dirt bike, stops to look back at his handiwork, and laughs the kind of ridiculous bad guy laugh that cracks me up every time I see it. Swayze, meanwhile, is wearing nothing but tight gray sweats and a beaming coat of oil. The two square off near a small pond and it isn’t long before Jimmy takes Swayze from behind in a chokehold and says, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” Now interpret this however you want but Jimmy is gay; it’s clear from the beginning what he’s interested in. When he realizes that he cannot have our hero, he decides that nobody will, and pulls a gun. “I’m gonna kill you the old fashioned way,” he says. What’s the new way, you ask? Right, Swayze knocks the gun into the air and promptly rips Jimmy’s throat out with his bare hands before kicking him facedown into the water. Somehow Jimmy lets out a final audible grunt despite missing a good portion of his neck.

Kelly Lynch shows up at the end of the fray to see if Jimmy is alive because she’s hot, sympathetic, and useless. Okay, she also happens to be a doctor. After discovering that there is nowhere on Jimmy’s neck to check for a pulse, she stands up and casts a disapproving scowl at Swayze, who she awkwardly fucked mere nights before, and walks away without a word. Naturally Swayze becomes enraged. He hauls the corpse into the pond and sends it adrift to be carried out by a pretty damn strong current in what amounts to little more than an Olympic-size swimming pool. While Teague’s death is only a preamble to the symphony of murder Patrick conducts at Jackie Treehorn’s mansion, it remains in 9th position for obvious reasons.

8: DEATH WISH III

Bullet proof vest < rocket launcher

Death Wish is one of the seminal films of 80s action and therefore, the Western Cannon. The innovations of the film would echo through countless depictions of inept cops, unpunished criminals and hot, steamy vigilantism. I don’t know how legendary 80s Action producers, Golan and Globus–-figures celebrated alongside the likes of Yitzhak Rabin and Golda Meir in their native Israel– got their hands on the franchise, but it took their genius to improve upon such a classic. With some critical examination they saw that, for all of Death Wish’s greatness, there was fat to be trimmed and replaced with lean muscle. Rather than squandering running time on a coherent story line, they could have Bronson kill a bunch more people. Instead of a compelling, emotional core, why not a bigger gun? Lesser filmmakers would have run into a dead end were they to follow this line of thought, because the conventional (and inferior) story elements (such as character development) used to build to a climax have been replaced by violence and hardware. Where do you go after ninety minutes of Bronson blasting thugs with the biggest hand gun in the world? It seems like a question with no answer.

Until you see Bronson use a rocket launcher to kill one guy. At close range. Inside a small apartment. But, given that the gloriously reverse-mohawked villain, Fraker, is wearing a bullet proof vest, it’s the only logical solution. Fraker has already been shot half a dozen times. The way bulletproof vests work is that, if you are shot, you pass out. Then you spring back to life and have the drop on everyone. Everyone, that is, who doesn’t happen to keep an anti-tank weapon by the phone, next to a pencil and paper for taking messages. Bronson blasts Fraker, turns half the apartment into a flaming hole, and Fraker’s scant, smoking remains become a spectacle for passers by on the street bellow. The scene worked so well that there was no real choice but to rehash it in the Death Wish 4 climax.

7: OUT FOR JUSTICE

Italian scum beaten almost as badly as he deserves

There is no movie in Seagal’s catalog that better demonstrates his streak of sadism than Out for Justice. Virtually every scummy, unlaundered guido in Brooklyn gets beaten to an oily pulp at some point. Nobody escapes. Hell, even a Chinaman and a crusty Irish boxer get their asses handed to them on a silver platter. But when the dust is settled and the trail of corpses carted away, none of the beatdowns come close to the hurt that Seagal puts on Richie Madano (William Forsythe). See, Richie killed Bobby Lupo, which, is, really the last thing in the world you want to find yourself doing. So Seagal appropriately saves his most severe ass-mugging for last. He pummels Richie, and I don’t mean quickly, I mean he fucking pummels him in what can only be interpreted as a degrading S&M snuff session. Somebody, somewhere, has masturbated to this clip, I’m sure of it.

Richie doesn’t land a single punch. Instead, he is clubbed and prodded with a variety of cutlery and other kitchenware including a humungous pepper-grinder. He is thrown into walls, onto tables, into cabinets, and finally, headfirst through a window. Having already confessed to liking pain, Richie understandably convinces himself that his next effort to kill Seagal will succeed. What results is a cataclysmic failure to achieve and surely one of the most bizarre and kinky novelty deaths of all time. Rather than drop his jeans and slather Richie’s chest with a broiling mound of feces, Seagal opts to conclude the humiliating rendezvous by planting a corkscrew into his forehead, thereby avenging the proud memory of our beloved Bobby Lupo. Also, this particular killing might be Steven’s most passionate as it was among the Italians. It was real greaseball shit.

6: UNIVERSAL SOLDIER

Horse spunk saves the day, yet again.

The “X-factor” of this epic battle between Dolph and JCVD is a syringe which, particularly in a barnyard setting, seems to be loaded with horse semen. Now people have accused us of reading homoeroticism into these films where it doesn’t exist. But you don’t have to crack page one of Freud to raise an eyebrow at a pair of rain-soaked, musclebound studs achieving greater power through semen injections. “Hey, what’s the big deal? Popeye ate Spinach, Dolph and JCVD shoot piping hot ejaculate into… their hearts?” And no, I don’t buy that it’s just a coincidence that the substance is identical in color and consistency to the ol’ baby batter, especially since the power juice at the center of Dolph’s I Come in Peace is exactly the same. JCVD’s useless chick is seemingly dispensed with a nice preliminary killing-– she’s fleeing to safety when Dolph chucks a grenade that blows her up. Is JCVD upset about his love interest being blown into cornflakes? Sure baby! Like he’d be upset if you spilled his Fresca.

Watch on Youtube.

There’s some more horseplay before the actual death and frankly, it’s pretty dull stuff. Eventually, JCVD, powered by a fresh sperm injection, impales Dolph on the blades of a corn thresher and there’s a satisfying moment of agony. But Dolph then plays possum, drawing JCVD in for a closer look. When he gets his chance, Dolph makes a last ditch effort to pull JCVD onto the blades, but he counters with a Seagal-worthy arm snap, leaving Dolph helpless, in agony and slowly bleeding to death. That’s a good start. Finally, we get what we have been salivating over since the corn thresher first entered the frame. JCVD turns on the machine and chunks of œbermensch are sprayed across the heartland, fertilizing the fodder of continued American supremacy.

5: RAMBO III

Kourov gets hanged and banged.

Whether he’s wandering the foggy backroads of the Pacific Northwest, shoveling rocks in a military prison, or repairing wagon wheels in Thailand, history has shown us that it doesn’t take a whole lot to get John J. Rambo back in the swing of killing commies. In Rambo II we saw him duped and leg-swept into refighting Vietnam by Charles Napier and the Cobra Kai Sensei. This time around Rambo’s hand is forced into action by the capture of Colonel Trautman who, for some reason, decided to deliver American missiles to the Mujahideen with a few jeeps, an AK, and a dozen ill-equipped guides who are all stuffed with bullets in a matter of seconds. Are we to believe Trautman thought he could actually make a difference in Afghanistan? Or are we to believe he sacrificed himself knowing that Rambo is the only human being capable of defeating Russia single-handedly? Or are we to believe that Rambo merely wants to uphold the right of Afghan men to participate in their sacred game of drag-the-goat-carcass-through-the-sand without fear of Russian helicopters launching rockets at their horses because he is better at it than them and feels guilty? Have fun sifting through the mound of bodies to find your answer.

Watch on Youtube.

There are some complicated novelty deaths to consider here as the movie is basically an endless string of them. For example the Russian Spetsnaz Commander is shot, then impaled by the cannon on Rambo’s tank, then blown up, which is a death as improbable as Charles Bronson’s reanimated corpse lacing your cannolis with cyanide. For sheer hilarity, though, the novelty award goes to the Commander’s bodyguard, Kourov. We all know the mountains of Afghanistan are littered with giant holes in the ground that serve as entryways to a gargantuan subterranean netherworld of Islamic horror. So Kourov and Rambo throw down near one of these openings as Trautman creepily watches, sometimes observing through the scope on his gun. After a quick and playful tussle, Rambo wraps a nylon rope around Kourov’s neck, pulls the grenade pin attached to his vest, then kicks him into the blackened maw where he falls roughly thirty feet, snaps his neck, and erupts into a fireball that rivals the explosion of Alderaan. USA!!!!

4: ROBOCOP

Emil briefly experiences life as a goulash.

I think I’d actually like Emil M. Antonowsky if it hadn’t been for the scene where he was going to murder the gas station attendant because he went to college. Other than that, he just seems like a fun-loving degenerate who smokes while pumping gas. Plus, I like how screenwriter Edward Neumeier felt that a character with 4 minutes of screen time required a middle initial. But the way he tormented the gas nerd was just unforgivable. It revealed Emil to be a bully and an anti-intellectual so he probably deserved to be shot off of his motorcycle while trying to get away from the gas station, then to skid across the top of a car and some asphalt and land in a heap of injuries. If that’s the second worst thing to happen to you in the movie, and a very distant second, you’re making a run at 80s action immortality.

Indeed, Emil’s actual death is kind of a replay of the first accident, only with more toxic waste and fleshy liquefaction. Emil’s driving again, Robocop shoots his ride again, only this time, he’s not lucky enough to crash into a car. After plowing his truck into a huge container of toxic waste, Antonowsky comes spilling out the back of his truck, a half-melted, steaming-hot insta-mutant. He gasps for air, begs for help (although he is clearly further beyond any kind of medical help or restoration than Rocky Dennis after a chimp attack) and zombie-shuffles in front of Boddicker’s speeding car. In his slightly dissolved state, Emil explodes on impact like a balloon filled with chum, mucking up Bodicker’s windshield something awful. Be sure to appreciate how Emil’s head remains largely intact as it slides like a curling stone along the hood, windshield, and roof of Boddicker’s car.

3: COMMANDO

The Arnold transforms a simple, third world tool shed into a schoolhouse: of pain.

It might seem like there should be more Arnold on the list, but for all the great one-liners and set-ups, the actual murdering is often just a bit less than spectacular. This is not the case with the tool shed scene in Commando. Unfortunately, there is no tradition of oral history amongst 80s action goons because they all die within seconds of assuming their roles. If there were, fathers might pass down to sons the knowledge that firing hundreds of rounds into a small structure where your target is trapped can often be useless if every shot is aimed on the assumption that the target is standing erect in the center of the building. Rake the ceilings and floors to be sure, son, otherwise someone will swing down from the rafters and stab you in the heart with a pitchfork, like what happened to your uncle Miguel.

The glorious violence of this scene largely speaks for itself, but I enjoy the added irony that Arnold has turned on hired Latino help with the very tools that sustain their people. Every tool of the gardener, landscaper and handyman is used to kill a man who, barring this highly unusual case of some guy picking him up at Home Depot to guard a weirdo’s compound off the coast of Santa Barbara, relies upon those tools for his very livelihood. It would be like if Arnold killed Irish mercenaries by throwing drunken police officers at them. The violence itself is elevated to full blown slasher status for a few shining moments. I don’t remember Voorhees ever killing so many with such a variety of pointy things in so short a span. We’d not see a novelty spree killing of this magnitude again until Punisher: Warzone.

2: INVASION USA

And THAT’S why, you don’t snort coke through a metal tube.

We only have to wait about ten minutes to witness the best novelty death sequence of Invasion USA. While Chuck is busy wrangling crocodiles and hamming it up with his pet armadillo in the swamps, Rostov and his cohort of terrorists are literally invading the United States of America. Surely if waves of impoverished Cubans can take over Miami, then a batch of well armed terrorists can take over the country. Rostov’s plan is to bring America to its knees in less than 24 hours but before he does so, he decides to hit up a motel and sell some cocaine to Frank Nitti from The Untouchables. The strange part about the scene is that it has almost nothing to do with anything other than to show us that Rostov is a bad, feathery-haired motherfucker. Presumably he’s trading a couple ounces of blow for a huge cache of weapons that he already had.

Anyhow, before he and Nitti can complete the transaction, Nitti’s broad starts greedily railing lines off the desk as any befitting cokewhore should. This must’ve angered Rostov because he slams her head down, driving the metal tube deep into her nose, sending her screaming and flailing across the room. Rostov then shoots a couple of goons in the hallway before casually sliding his gun into Nitti’s pants and firing two shots at his cock. Afterward he grabs the hysterical bitch and hurls her through the window in a display of wanton violence that’s pretty extreme even by 80s action standards. Because the scene is completely irrelevant to the plot it ends up acting as a pretty effective, and clearly intentional, anti-drug advertisement. People who buy and do drugs deserve to be castrated and killed. People who specifically snort cocaine are always at risk of having their utensil irrevocably lodged into their nasal cavity. Minorities conduct drug deals. People who sell drugs also deserve to be killed but preferably at the hands of bearded American patriots. In fact, the only acceptable form of commerce is a proper and shady cash-only weapons deal.

1: MARKED FOR DEATH

Seagal kills one Jamaican at least four times.

Frankly, the Ruthless camp is divided on the matter of 80s Action’s greatest badass. But their can be no disputing Segeal’s status as master of the novelty death. He has achieved the peerless greatness attained by so few in any endeavor. One might argue about the greatest ballplayer, the greatest director or the greatest beauty. But in the field of novelty deaths, Seagal stands alone in unchallenged supremacy–-the Shakespeare of the severed spine; the Kasparov of defenestration. Half a dozen of Seagal’s kills could be in the top ten of all time, but Marked For Death is his masterpiece. One of the many turns of genius that sets Seagal apart is the corpse kill. He realized that the mere fact he had killed someone, and they were now a dead body, should not prevent him from killing them at least once more. In Under Siege, for example, one assumes that Tommy Lee Jones’ character has perished once Seagal has driven a giant knife into top of his skull, up to the handle. So? Like so many men of innovation, Seagal sees a starting line where most see the finish line. Rather than be satisfied with allowing Jones to die only once, Seagal throws him through a radar screen, issuing a corpse kill by massive electrocution. Now you might think that pushing beyond even the corpse kill would risk ridiculousness. But you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. And dead wrong again. For, in Marked For Death, Seagal performs a dizzying combination that others had yet to even conceive, let alone attempt. Lesser novelty killers were still wondering how to pull off the corpse kill when Seagal surpassed it. While they strove for the 360 dunk, he went straight to the 540 off-the-glass tomahawk: the double kill, corpse kill with a twin.

Now, as every schoolchild knows, the primary villain in Marked For Death is the mysterious Skrewface who seems to have voodoo powers. When Seagal catches up with Skrewface, he quickly crunches through a couple of henchmen and finally gets his hands on the antagonist. Even with the preliminary slice to the balls, you have to initially be a bit disappointed with the quick decapitation via samurai sword after only a few seconds of pain. The only uplifting aspect of the kill seems to be that Seagal lugs Skrewface’s head around town like a newly won Stanley Cup to prove to the henchmen that their leader is not an invincible shaman, but rather a visibly mortal drug-pusher. But then, Skrewface appears alive and well. A twin! Now we are cooking!

Watch the clip on Youtube

You can look at this one of two ways. You can count this as Skrewface being killed twice (corpse kill not included), or you can roll it into one grand ball of suffering for the remaining twin. Before the first punch is thrown in the final battle, Seagal opens with, “Oh hai, here is your twin brother’s head, which I chopped off a while back. I might use it at the bowling alley later.” Using this as a starting point, Seagal proceeds to beat Skrewface shitless, slice open several wounds with the sword, then thumb the Jamaican’s eyes back into his skull. This culminates when Seagal audibly snaps Skrewface’s spinal chord in several places which, if it didn’t kill him instantly, would certainly leave him with nothing more than a few seconds of shutting down. Seagal then lifts the motionless Skrewface and hurls him down an elevator shaft to certain death. Finally, Skrewface is impaled on some machinery at the bottom of the elevator shaft, because after you have lethally destroyed a man’s spinal chord, then thrown him several stories to his death, it’s best to also impale him. No matter how you choose to divvy up this smorgasbord, the basic facts are as follows. At the beginning of the film we meet a character named Skrewface. By the end of the film we have seen him suffer four different fatalities, garnished with various beatings and mutilations.

While we’re at the whole list making thing, we’ve compiled a list of potentially offensive acts you could perform and listed them in order of the severity of the beating, torture and death that you would suffer as a consequence.

4. Take your Vespa club to the Laughlin River Run.

3. Start a chapter of D.A.R.E. in Juarez.

2. Finger paint a picture of Mohamed in the ejaculate you  release after spanking to Ayatollah Khamenei on Al Jazeera.

1. Borrow Seagal’s TV tray and then forget to return it.

THE END

Houston @ Miami -3

Tony: Nice try, Sax. Like I’m going to spend any energy trying to pick this piece of shit. Miami will win this game by 24.

Dick: Houston is talented, dynamic, and young, but also incredibly inconsistent and unreliable. Andre Johnson is making noise about bailing if the Texans don’t make the playoffs. Even though the Dolphins have been reduced to Ricky Williams and a cloud of dust, they have better coaching than the Texans and play every game as if Bill Parcells will personally castrate them if they take a play off. Dolphins.

Sax: Kubiak is done. Sparano is not. It doesn’t take a particularly perceptive imagination to figure out which team is going to bring it in week 16. Dolphins are at home, spread is low, no-brainer. Which means Houston will probably win just because God hates me, but fuck it.

Jacksonville @ New England -7.5

Tony: New England is undefeated at home this year ant they’ve won two in a row. Jacksonville is 2-4 on the road, and they’ve lost two in a row. Also … Jacksonville Jaguars. Patriots.

Dick: Aside from Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jags are outclassed at every position by the Patriots. This is the sort of trap game the Patsies have become susceptible to because, frankly, they lose their focus unless they have the press breathing down their neck. Thanks to Randy Moss having a bad game and then being accused of being a washed-up pussy and loser, they got both. Expect gore. Pats by a lot.

Sax: The Pats are still coasting on the reputation they built in seasons past. Brady is hurt and even when he was “healthy” he was kind of a mess, their O-line is the most overrated unit in the history of football, and their secondary is absolutely hopeless, which wouldn’t be that much of an issue if they had any semblance of a pass rush. Which is not to say they will lose to the Jaguars, who are terrible. I just think this spread is too high.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -2.5

Tony: Everyone is saying how this game is supposed to be some Boise State – Fresno State barn burner because both defenses are hobbled. I think both of these teams have given up on life and this game will be less 45-42 and more 13-10. I guess Pittsburgh should win by at least a field goal.

Dick: Pittsburgh got away with one last week against Green Bay. They caught the Packers flat-footed early on and then got flat out lucky with a touchdown on the last play of the game. Baltimore is schizophrenic and incapable of carrying any sort of momentum over from one week to the next. They are also missing Ed Reed which means Ben Roethlisberger is going to eat the Ravens for lunch if he can extend some plays. I want to take Baltimore, but the Steelers are pulling one of their patented late-season dashes in spite of having almost no chance at the playoffs. Steelers.

Sax: Hines Ward is a fucking tool, Ben Roethlisberger is fat, Troy Polamalu is injured, and 10% of the population of the greater Pittsburgh area knows how to read. They will still beat the Ravens this weekend. If they weren’t division rivals, I might be inclined to take Baltimore just because, at 8-6, they actually have something left to play for, but the Steelers still probably harbor delusions of making the playoffs and they want to play spoiler for the Ravens anyway. Because they are dicks.

Denver @ Philadelphia -7

Tony: Mother of fuck, Corch Irvin Majors is resigning after the Sugar Bowl, citing health issues. Apparently, Mike Shanahan is on the short list of potential replacements. For those of you too lazy to Google, Shanny was the OC at Florida from 1980-1983. All of this clearly means Denver will cover at Philly this week. CLEARLY.

Dick: Donovan McNabb could beat the Broncos by six points by himself, but if he has Brian Westbrook and his fully intact brain in the backfield, the Eagles will win by 10. Denver’s early-season run was a fluke because they kept getting incredible breaks and weird plays going their way, but the reality is that they are thin on talent on offense, their coach is not that bright, and they get to play the Raiders and Chiefs twice a year. Eagles by a lot.

Sax: Philly is going to fucking destroy Denver whether or not Brian Westbrook plays. I just like putting these games on the slate because Tony will pick Denver no matter what and he is raping me.

Standings
1. Tony (31-24) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (27-28) (1-3 last week)
2. Sax (23-32) (1-3 last week)

Dallas @ New Orleans -7

Tony: Apparently SOMEONE went to Miami last weekend and drank 715 adult beverages and forgot to write his weekly National Football League picks. I like how my absence leaves Sax helpless to do anything. Why didn’t you write my picks for me, you bitch? Sax is New Orleans and I am Katrina. Sax is also somehow Jerry Jones. And Dick is Mike Gundy from Oklahoma State. And I am LeBron James. Saints.

Dick: Dallas is a complete mess and going through its usual December tank job. Tony Romo is back to holding kicks for some inexplicable reason and Wade Phillips will be fired unless he wins the Super Bowl. The Saints are not really cruising so much as they are winning games on flukey plays and desperation because the defense is a sieve. Saints win, but by no more than four.

Sax: I don’t understand why teams hold onto guys like Wade Phillips. You KNOW he is a bad coach, but somehow it’s immoral to fire him because he didn’t do QUITE poorly enough last year, so you’ll let him stay one more year because there’s a 5% chance the Cowboys might not fall apart like they do at the end of every season? Honestly, it wouldn’t matter if they fired Phillips and brought in a re-animated Vince Lomardi this weekend, Drew Brees is playing the best football at the quarterback position I have ever seen.

Cleveland @ Kansas City -2

Tony: Let’s see … Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last year and Cleveland recently beat Pittsburgh. So, Cleveland is scientifically the best team in the NFL. Browns.

Dick: If they were playing for the draft rights to Ndamukong Suh we could expect to see players fumble with purpose, passes crisply thrown to defenders, and defensive backs pretending to trip to guarantee a shot at possibly the best defensive line prospect since Mean Joe Green. But that one belongs to the Rams. Instead, this piece of shit will show why Matt Cassel is really a career backup while Eric Mangini tells everyone his plan to ruin both Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn is working to perfection. Since it’s in Kansas City and they have a decent running back, I’ll take the Chiefs.

Sax: Matt Cassel actually looked really good last year. Then again, Daunte Culpepper looked really good throwing to Randy Moss. So did a 48-year-old Randall Cunningham, who, contrary to the opinion of every black football fan, was not in fact the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Tom Brady was pretty impressive before Moss got to New England, but he was apparently getting fed plays by guys who were stealing the opposing teams’ blitz signals. Ummm… I’m going to punch myself in the face until I forget having that last thought. As for the Bowl of Shit, I’m taking the Chiefs.

Green Bay @ Pittsburgh -2

Tony: What is this, 1998? Green Bay is solid at 9-4 (they finished 11-5 in ’98), but their divisional rival, Minnesota, is a fucking powerhouse (currently 11-2, they finished ’98 at 15-2, and, I don’t know if you heard, but the purple penises scored some points that year). Pittsburgh, on the other hand, is 6-7 and getting worse. They finished 7-9 in 1998 after losing their five final regular season games. Green Bay played at Pittsburgh on November 9, 1998, and Pittsburgh won 27-20. So, there you go. Boom. I should be a fucking sports writer. Steelers.

Dick: Oh, Pittsburgh, this has to be tough because you’ve lost to the Bengals twice and the Browns at home. Now, you’re going to lose to the Packers at home by way more than two points because your best players are hurt, your team has collapsed, and the Packers are gelling. This is going to get ugly fast. Packers by at least a touchdown.

Sax: I don’t trust Aaron Rodgers, and I can’t help but thinking the Steelers have a little something left in the tank, but these feelings are based on nothing, and every rational part of my brain is telling me to pick the Packers. Then again, I am a fucking idiot and getting my ass handed to me every goddamn week. I’m still taking the Packers.

Cincinnati @ San Diego -6.5

Tony: Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry. I choose to believe that Cincy goes into this game fully ready to throw San Diego from the back of their pickup truck. I also choose to believe that this is the week San Diego’s luck runs out. Ochocinco is going to catch touchdown passes so hard they are each going to count for 12 points. Also, nobody likes San Diego including San Diego. Bangles.

Dick: The Bengals are going to come into the game bound and determined to win one for their emotionally unstable dead teammate. Usually, slapping a commemorative number on the back of the helmet inspires grown children Garanimal uniforms to victory, but in this case it has nothing on Phillip Rivers’ personal relationship with Jesus Christ who has let him know that while Chris Henry is in His arms, the game will belong to the Chargers. Chargers cover.

Sax: These are two teams moving in opposite directions. All of a sudden, those wins over the Steelers don’t look so impressive for Ochocinco and company, and the Chargers are marching through the league like Sherman on his way to the sea. I know the Bengals will all be pumped up by the memory of their teammate who in no way bears any responsibility for his death after jumping onto a moving pickup truck as the mother of his children fled from him, but it doesn’t matter. Chargers.

Standings
1. Tony (29-22) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (26-25) (1-3 last week)
2. Sax (22-29) (1-3 last week)

Tennessee @ Indianapolis -6.5

Tony: It’s currently after 11PM on Saturday night and I am just now typing these picks to send to Sax, which is to say, who gives a fuck about this shit anymore? Uh … Vince Young is better than Tom Collins, but neither are better than Rod Flanders. Colts.

Dick: The Vince Young Rehab Express keeps on chugging along. I don’t know if he is bipolar or suicidal or what, but it sort of seems like he finally figured out that you can’t just run around and win games and that veiled suicide threats are really dumb and childish and decided to, like, learn how to play quarterback. Yes, he carved up Arizona and looked the Blue Fairy made him a real, live quarterback, but their defense is a colander, so I am far from impressed. However, they do have Chris Johnson, and he’s fucking amazing. if Young is just competent, that guy can break the game open. The Colts… are lucky. With all the injuries they’ve suffered they should have at least one or two losses, but Houston is gutless, Baltimore simply blew it, and Flanders is as clutch as Romo is choke. The Colts win a really tough one, but by no more than four.

Sax: The Colts keep pulling close wins out of their ass, they can’t sustain that for an entire season, the Titans are hungry/desperate, and this spread is too big. On the other hand, Vince Young vindicates all practitioners of phrenology. Still, this spread is too much. Titans.

Philadelphia @ Atlanta +5.5

Tony: Mike Vick returns to Atlanta. White people are pissed. Black people are stoked. Given the injuries Atlanta is dealing with, I’m surprised this line isn’t bigger. I can’t not pick the Falcons because Arty Blank reads this site, so … Falcons.

Dick: Don McNabb is really, really good. He’s been carrying the Eagles for years while idiots in Philly boo him, fat fuck Andy Reid drafts his replacement, and Rush Limbaugh keeps intimating that he’s taking a job from some phantom white man who is infinitely more qualified. He’s going to put on a fucking clinic in Atlanta. Did I mention that I used to work with McNabb’s center at Syracuse? He said he used to fart on McNabb’s hands just before snapping the ball to lighten him up. Anyone who can handle a white men passing gas on him during a football game can handle a measly 5.5-point spread. Eagles all the way, bitches.

Sax: So Atlanta is missing their starting QB and starting running back, right? I’m not imagining that? And this spread is less than a touchdown?

Minnesota @ Arizona +3.5

Tony: Is Kurt Warner still hurt? Here, let me just look it up on … oh, fuck it. Vikings by a hundred billion.

Dick: Vegas originally set the line on this one at two and I wondered why it was not multiplied by 10. Seriously, have you seen the Vikings this year? They are shitting all over teams. Didn’t you just see the Cardinals just lose to Vince Young in the fourth quarter? Oh wait, I really think Kurt Warner (and his 18th concussion) can avoid the Vikings pass rush and keep them in the game or even win because Larry Fitzgerald is Jehova at split end. Come on. And I don’t want to hear this nonsense about Adrian Peterson fumbling too much or that the Vikings have beaten a bunch of teams with losing records. Fumbles don’t mean shit when you hang 30 points a game on teams from Green Bay to Detroit to Baltimore to, yes, Arizona. There are only three really good teams in the NFL and the Cardinals are not one of them. Take this gift from Vegas.

Sax: Normally, I would be all set to take the Vikings here, but when Dick starts describing a line as a, “gift from Vegas,” it gives me pause, since he is, after all, an idiot. Still, there’s no fucking way I can pick against the Vikes with a spread that low.

Dallas @ NY Giants +2.5

Tony: It feels like all four AFC East teams play each other every single weekend. Yawn. Giants. (Editor’s Note: I think Tony meant “NFC East,” but I’m leaving that in there as punishment for his poor effort this week.)

Dick: The Cowboys are going to destroy the Giants. Not because they are all that much better, but the Giants have been decimated by injuries and have gone from 5-0 to a massively depressing 6-5. The Cowboys are healthy and have maybe the fourth or fifth best offense in football. The Giants defense gives up 31 points-per-game, Antonio Pierce is out for the season, Eli Manning’s feet are fucked up, and Tony Romo is desperate to shed his choker/pussy label. Dallas by a lot.

Sax: Nothing makes me happier than the return to mediocrity of Eli and the Giants. I can handle one retarded Southerner who donates to Fred Thompson and is in all likelihood a creationist routinely laying waste to the entire league, but not two, especially when they are brothers. The weather does give me pause, as the Cowboys are from Texas and Tony Romo is Mexican, but Eli Manning sucks.

Standings
1. Tony (27-20) (3-0-1 last week)
2. Dick (25-22) (3-0-1 last week)
2. Sax (21-26) (2-1-1 last week)

Note: We are just ignoring the push from last week in the overall standings, because it is annoying to type out three numbers for the rest of the year.

Indianapolis @ Houston +3.5

Tony: Somehow, Houston has become the best terrible team in the league. Everyone is like, “DON’T DISCOUNT THE TEXANS IN THIS ONE, ‘COS WHEN SCHAUB AND JOHNSON AND-” Colts.

Dick: Houston has lost three games to the Colts by three points. Considering they just lost to the Titans a week after an ESPN the Magazine article quoted Andre Johnson saying he would probably leave the Texans if they don’t make the playoffs this year, I’d say Houston is choking their season away while publicly worrying about losing their best player. Indy is a bit banged up and the chances of them going undefeated are pretty slim. If they are going to lose one or two, this week is as good as any against a team desperate for win, right? No, Indy will win by at least four because it’s no accident Indy is 14-1 all-time against a Houston that is “this close” to quitting.

Sax: The Colts are running the table. It’s over. It’s all over.

Arizona @ Tennessee -3

Tony: Another Bad Team Bonanza. Arizona was in the Super Bowl last year. Tennessee went 13-3 last year. This year, both teams can make vampire fangs with the candy corns FROM MY FUCKING STOOL. Uh … Titans, I guess.

Dick: Tennessee is reborn and Vince Young is playing with confidence. He’s still shaky when it comes to throwing from the pocket, but he’s starting to look like he’s figured out a couple things about playing quarterback. However, the Titans did the same thing when he came off the bench a couple years back and after a string of wins the novelty wore off and defenses worked on keeping him in the pocket and he had a nervous breakdown and went AWOL. This week it won’t happen because if God benches Kurt Warner with a concussion, Matt Leinart will be trying to shake off two years of rust against a Tennessee team hellbent on proving their shitty start was a fluke. If Warner is in there, he’ll eviscerate the Titans in a laugher because he knows what Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are thinking on every play. Cards by a lot.

Sax: Even at home, I cannot pick a team that is starting Vince Young. I just cannot do it. Then again, I am fucking terrible at this. I’m taking the Titans. Chris Johnson is a beast, who knows what the hell is going on with Warner, the Cardinals have always been flaky and are sitting atop their atrocious division with nothing to play for. Also, I guess now is the time to point out that Tony sent these picks to me at midnight last night and he was drunk off his ass.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore -2.5

Tony: See here’s the thing about Kyle Orton. KYLE FUCKING ORTON. Everybody is like “The New York Football Giants” and Kyle Orton is like EAT MY FUCK. And Josh McDaniels is like SUCK IT, and everyone lived happily ever after. Ravens.

Dick: Ben Roethlisberger does not play well hurt. I wrote about this phenomenon in 2007 and I stand by it. The Ravens will beat the shit out of him this Sunday if he insists on playing. What’s more, Troy Polamalu has been all but ruled out of the game, and all things being equal, he’s more important to the Steelers than Big Ben because he makes Dick LeBau’s defense work, and without him, they are not the same team. Baltimore has been up and down this year, but I’m taking them in a really close one because until Ben wins one hurt, I have zero faith in him.

Sax: God, I hate the fucking Steelers. Pittsburghers can talk about the rejuvenation of their city all they want, they are delusional. A couple new hospitals don’t mean a damn thing, the city is still a post-industrial wasteland full of semi-literate, semi-employed hill people with nothing to live for other than their football team. The steel magnates tried to import some culture by endowing universities and museums, but it accomplished nothing. Polamula is turning into Bobamalu Sandersau, Ben Roethlisberger’s 80 IQ has been knocked down to 73 by all the head trauma, and the chickens are coming home to roost. Or, the Ravens are coming home to roost. Do Ravens roost? Are the Steelers better than the Colts? No. Ravens.

New England @ New Orleans -2

Tony: Look at this shit. Orleans is favored over England. This is a topsy-turvy world in which we live. Four years ago, Orleans is like oh no it’s raining we are fucked, and England was like we are championships. Now, in two hundred thousand and niner, Orleans is like touchdowns and England is like roughing the crumpets. Saints.

Dick: This should be a fantastic game and could be the Saints real coming out party or the Patriots reminding everyone they are still near the top of the heap. There’s no doubt that Brees and company will be coming out pumped, but the key will be maintaining their composure when Tom Brady starts to cooly dissect their defense sometime around the start of the second quarter. No matter, this is the game the Saints have been craving all season to prove their legitimacy. Plus, it’s in the Superdome, which will be deafening. Belichick’s not going to do anything stupid like he did against Indianapolis because on Monday night he’ll be facing a healthy team that won’t wear down at the end. Right now, the Saints are the better team and barring a string of terrible turnovers and mistakes, they’ll cover.

Sax: Look, there is no chance I will win this pick-off, so I’m picking with my heart. The Patriots will finally overcome their second half woes, match the Saints TD for TD, and Tom Brady’s hairline will triumph over Drew Brees and his few remaining follicles. The Patriots are the best team in football, JFK was the best president, Matt Damon is the greatest man to ever live, and Boston is a shining city upon a hill. I hate you, Tony

Standings

1. Tony (24-20) (3-1 last week)

2. Dick (22-22) (4-0 last week)

3. Sax (19-25) (3-1 last week)

Atlanta @ NY Giants -6.5

Tony: Goddammit, Falcons. The Giants are REELING and pretty much all of your skill players have career-ending hangnails. Despite the Falcons’ recent woes, however, I am still picking them to cover and win and here is why: The Giants started 5-0 and everyone was like, “Hurrrr,” but 4 of their first 5 wins came against Washington, Tampa Bay, Oakland, and Kansas City, which is to say, in a normal season, the Giants’ record would look more like 2-7 than 5-4. Also, the Giants’ margin of loss against New Orleans was 13 points higher than Atlanta’s. So there’s that. Falcons.

Dick: Normally, with the Giants at home in November and the Falcons’ terrible road woes, I’d figure Atlanta would be toast. But since the weather will be a balmy 54 degrees and the Giants defense was terribly inconsistent before Antonio Pierce went down, I’ll say Michael Turner does his best impression of Earl Campbell. The Giants may win, but by no more than three.

Sax: Fuck the Giants.

Indianapolis @ Baltimore +1

Tony: As much as I like to discount Baltimore, they did win at San Diego, and they almost beat the Favres also on the road. Indy’s 9-0 record looks good, but this is exactly the type of week where a team like Indy earns one of their few blemishes of the year. The question is whether I have the sack to actually pick against the Colts especially against a supposedly mediocre team like the Ravens. The answer is I do not. Colts.

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Dick: Indy won last week because Bill Belichick is just wrong. They will win this week because Baltimore cannot stop the pass and unless Peyton Manning breaks his legs, he’ll hang 30 points on the board. Baltimore’s also missing Lee Suggs because Brady Quinn doesn’t know how to block. This could get ugly fast.

Sax: I think it’s time for me to admit that I have overrated the Ravens all season. There are a lot of reasons to pick Baltimore, they have lost some close games and they are tough at home and they basically beat the Patriots when they rolled into the Murdaland with an undefeated record 2 years ago, which I will keep bringing up even though it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever when it comes to this current season. Jesus, I suck. Maybe if the spread was higher. On the other hand, I just looked at Indy’s schedule, and this is really the biggest game left for them unless you count the Broncos as a threat, which I do not. Do I really think Indy can go undefeated? No. I’m picking the Ravens, even if that is pretty flimsy logic, by which I mean completely non-existent logic. Holy shit, I hate this.

San Fran @ Green Bay -6.5

Tony: Sax, why do we pick a game with either San Fran or Green Bay every single week? Aside from the fact that no one likes either team, neither team is any good. Get it together. Anyhoozle, I have a hunch that San Fran breaks off a huge one this week. I get the feeling that the Smith-Gore-Crabtree monster is on the verge of gelling, and, even if the offense has only an adequate performance, their defense has been solid lately. 49ers.

Dick: I don’t have a lot of confidence in either of these teams because the Packers let Aaron Rodgers get sacked eight times a game and the Niners still look more like a rugby team than a football team. However, both teams have solid defenses and if Green Bay can keep Rodgers upright, they get the edge. Pack wins, but not by seven.

Sax: Tony’s right, this game is lame, but it seemed like the biggest one left on the schedule. I guess we could have gone Bears/Eagles, but I am fucking sick of the Bears. If there’s one thing you can rely upon with Green Bay, it is a complete and utter lack of consistency, and 6.5 points is a big fucking spread. If San Fran doesn’t win, their season is over. I like the Niners and the points.

San Diego @ Denver +3

Tony: ZOMG, Denver has lost three games in a row! San Diego is SURGING! Really, the main thing that concerns me about this game is that Tom Green Dave Grohl Orton, arguably the greatest quarterback in the league, appears to have injured his ankle and will likely be replaced by, uh, Chris Simms? Yeah, this might not go so well. Donkeys.

Dick: Denver’s defense is still solid, but their propensity to pull out miracle plays a-la the computer on All Madden has suddenly disappeared along with Kyle Orton’s health. San Diego’s hot, LT is back from the dead, and Phil Rivers is imbued with the spirit of Christ.

Sax: The Broncos are done. I’m sorry, Tony. You see this? All this shit? It’s not your fault. Look at me, son. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Standings

1. Tony (21-19) (0-4 last week)

2. Dick (18-22) (3-1 last week)

3. Sax (16-24) (2-2 last week)

Tony: I backed Cincy last week and they did not disappoint. And they’ve already shown they can beat Ben and his Giant Face. I would argue, however, that Baltimore is a big piece of poop and Cincy’s win last week is not significant. The Bangles will not beat the Steelers this week. Pittsburgh is hitting on all cylinders and has huge momentum coming off their win in Denver. Their running game is on, the passing game is on, Palmolive is back. Pittsburgh.

Dick: Chad Ochocinco likes to send gifts to opponents, gets fines 20 grand for doing practical jokes, and scores lots of touchdowns. Since he seems to understand that football is entertainment while folks in Pittsburgh treat it like life and death, I’m taking Cincy. Doesn’t make sense, does it? But considering my abysmal record it’s either this sort of logic or throwing darts.

Sax: I have officially entered Costanza mode. Since my decision-making abilities have led to nothing but humiliation week after week, I am going to carefully consider each matchup and use reason and logic to decide who I think will cover, then I will pick the other team. Pittsburgh is at home, Polomalu is back, they are looking to avenge a division loss, they are a different team since the ascension of Medndenhall, and they only lost to Cincy by 3 on the road last time… so I’m taking Cincy. Wait, no, fuck that, I’m taking Pittsburgh. I don’t have the balls to see the Costanza plan through. I am a coward.

Philadelphia @ San Diego -2

Tony: This is kind of a head scratcher. Philly lost to Dallas last week, but is Dallas actually getting good? The Chargers beat the Giants last week, but the Giants appear to be in the middle of a catastrophic collapse. So, by that logic, the Eagles should beat the Chargers, right? The Chargers have won three in a row, but those wins were against Oakland, Kansas City, and the Giants. Before losing to Dallas last week, Philly won two in a row against the Giants and the Redskins, but that was after losing to fucking Oakland. God this game is a piece of shit. I guess I’m picking Philly because fuck Philip Rivers.

Dick: Somehow Andy Reid can’t keep the Eagles on target even though he has Don McNabb playing some of the best football of his career. You lost to Oakland and now you’re rolling in to play the Chargers who are hot and have Jesus in the backfield. I’m taking San Diego because Philly is schizophrenic.

Sax: The Chargers are staging one of their patented late-season rallies, and Andy Reid is Andy Reid. I can’t wait to see the Bolts overtake Tony’s Broncos. They’re at home and there is basically no spread, I love the Bolts this week. So I’m taking Philly. Co-STAN-za.

Dallas @ Green Bay +3

Tony: Rather than try to overthink this one, I am going to yield to the apparent momentum of each team. Dallas won a big one on the road against Philly last week and Green Bay bent over and gave what is arguably the worst team in the league their first win in a big way. Dallas.

Dick: Tony Romo is Mr. November and the Packers are going to lose because they can’t protect Aaron Rogers or stop the pass. Unless the game is played in a blizzard and Romo breaks his legs, the Cowboys win easily.

Sax: Green Bay is just fucking terrible. Their line is a mess, things are falling apart. Dallas seems to be getting their shit together behind Miles Austin. I’m taking Green Bay.

New England @ Indianapolis -3

Tony: Sure the Colts are great this year, but the Peter Griffins’ only two losses so far were against the Jets and the Broncos and both of those are starting to look a little flukey as the season progresses. I think this one comes down to two things: 1. Fuck Tom Brady. 2. Home field advantage. Indy.

Dick: Indy still has Rod Flanders, but it seems like half of their defense is on injured reserve. And since Indy will not go unbeaten and even though the Patriots still haven’t figured out who is their nominal starting running back, I see Brady and his movie star looks winning out over Peyton’s fake audibles because this seems like the perfect week for Indy to lose.

Sax: Everyone in New England is acting like the ship is righted after victories over Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and the Dolphins, who are admittedly probably better than their record indicates but still put up a pretty good fight IN Foxboro. Randy Moss is still one of the best in the game, but he has lost a step since he caught 35 touchdowns two years ago, and the Pats have gone from Donte Stallworth to Jabar Gaffney to no one as their third receiver. They are on the road, and even though it seems like it’s harder for the Colts to pump in fake crowd noise in this new stadium, Peyton Manning is gonna take a shit down Belichick’s throat. Which is why I’m taking the Pats. Co-STAN-za!

Standings

1. Tony (21-15) (2-2 last week)

2. Dick (15-21) (1-3 last week)

3. Sax (14-22) (1-3 last week)

Tony:
I don’t think Baltimore is as good as their victory over Denver last week and it seems like things are continuing to gel for Cincinnati. Cincinnati.

Dick:
Four of Cincinnati’s wins are flukes while two of Balimore’s losses (including one to Cincy) are flukes, so the law of averages has to come into play making Baltimore the winner, right? Because even though Cincinnati is putting together a pretty impressive run, the Ravens feel like they should be 6-1 or 7-0 and after demolishing Denver, they have to be looking at Cincy like that creepy Cuban guy from Bang Brothers looks at 18-year-old girls.

Sax: I spent the first half of the season picking against the Giants because I was convinced they were mediocre at best and I got my ass kicked. Then I finally gave in and started picking them and they dropped 3 in a row and I got my ass kicked. I’m not making the same mistake with Cincy. I am also sticking to my guns with my belief that Baltimore is really fucking good. I love Flacco, I love their defense. Make no mistake, Cincy will win this game, because I suck ass at this, but I’m taking Bodymore.

Miami @ New England -10.5

Tony:
I have never had any love for Miami and all of a sudden I kind of like them. Also, fuck Sax. Miami.

Dick:
Vegas is starting to figure things out because Miami in New England in November seems pretty brutal considering that the Pats seem to be hitting their stride and the Dolphins could not protect a 20-something point lead against New Orleans and a 10-plus spread seems justified. However, the Pats are terrible against the run and that is all the Dolphins do well. New Enlgland wins, but by no more than seven.

Sax:
I know this is a November road game in the northeast for Miami, but I’m sitting about half an hour from Foxboro right now and it’s 60 degrees and sunny. I can’t figure Miami out. They clearly could have won against Indy and the Saints, the 2 best teams in the league, but once is a fluke and twice is a pattern, so maybe they are just prone to shitting the bed. On the other hand, I don’t see why everyone’s doubts about the Pats should be erased by them shellacking 2 ridiculously terrible teams. I’d be inclined to just take the points, but I feel like this game is going one of two ways- either the Pats are for real and they win by more than 11, or they are still the same mess that nearly lost to Baltimore and lost to Denver and Miami beats them because their defense, unlike those of Tennessee and Tampa Bay, actually exists. I’m taking the Pats, so everyone reading this should bet their house on Miami.

Dallas @ Philadelphia -3

Tony:
I really don’t care one way or the other about Philly and we all know how I feel about Dallas. Philly.

Dick:
Roy Williams is a clown, runs shitty routes, and walks through plays he’s not involved in. Tony Romo is gutless and wilts under intense competition, especially when he has tough games on the road. Wade Phillips is retarded and should not be a head coach in the NFL. Philadelphia has the most underrated quarterback of the last 15 years, is coming off a thrashing of the Giants, and looking to put the NFC East in a stranglehold. Even though their coach is a fat Mormon who is failing with this Michael Vick experiment, the Eagles will win by a lot.

Sax: Westbrook is out, and I just can’t trust Philly after that loss to Oakland. As much as I don’t want to, I’m still picking them, because they are at home and Wade Phillips wears adult diapers. Why the fuck is Dallas in the NFC East? By the way, nice effort this week, Tony.

Pittsburgh @ Denver +3

Tony:
I wish this spread was much larger so I could at least pick Denver to cover. Really, though, there’s no way I can’t pick Denver, so I’ll save the keystrokes. Denver.

Dick:
Denver is a lot better than everyone expected because of their defense and the fact that Kyle Orton is playing in an offensive system that doesn’t ask him to chuck the ball 50 yards downfield to no one. But Baltimore exposed a few chinks in their armor last week, including Denver’s lack of imagination and a propensity to rely on the other team making mistakes. Pittsburgh is minus-three in turnovers (even with the flukes against Minnesota) and even though their blitz packages wreak havoc, they will be facing the dirtiest offensive line in football. I hate myself and want to die because I am taking Denver.

Sax:
Even though I dutifully ate some humble ass pie after the Donks beat the Patriots, I never really bought Denver as an elite team. I think they’ll still easily win their joke of a division and make the playoffs, but I think it’s clear that they aren’t quite on the level of the elite teams in the league. However, I’m not too sure the Steelers are one of those elite teams, and I worry about Ben Roethlisberger wheezing in the mile-high air because he’s the fattest quarterback ever and the Steelers all form a circle before every game and insert buttplugs into each other. This is why I hate doing this pick-off, because I would never bet money on this game in a million years, but since it’s a BIG-TIME MONDAY NIGHT SHOWDOWN, I’m forced to pretend I have any idea what the fuck is going to happen. Sigh… Steelers. Mostly because I hate Tony.

Standings
1. Tony (19-13) (1-3 last week)
2. Dick (14-18) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (13-19) (1-3 last week)

Tony: There has been some chatter this week about how Ray Lewis could have ended up a Bronco after free agency but talks never progressed and they signed Dawkins instead. It makes me sad to think about Lewis as a Donkey because I would have had to give up football entirely. Imagine the team meeting where Lewis is like, “Hey, thanks for the warm welcome. Yeah, I wanted to ask you guys, you may have seen how I do this thing before each game where I come out of the tunnel and get the crowd fired up by acting like if the Karate Kid had been a Polynesian tribal dancer. That’s still cool, right?” Ugh. Donkos.

Dick: Sooner or later the wheels have to come off the Donkey Express, right? I feel like I am watching Kevin Costner deliver the mail and I want someone to just shoot me in my sleep because waking up and seeing Josh McDaniels with an undefeated record defies logic and all that is right with the universe. Isn’t there some sort of mathematical equation or theorem or something that proves what we already know: That he is simply a lucky fuck and the equivalent of Forrest Gump as a shrimp boat captain in the real world. I want to die. Ravens, just to spite this fuck.

Sax: This is getting embarrassing. I am fucking 12-16. Honestly, I would feel like an idiot if I continued to offer “analysis” as though I wasn’t getting my ass kicked week after week. It would be like Matt Millen offering NFL analysis week after week on an NFL TV show… oh wait. In my defense, this isn’t a gambling column, we just use the spreads as a vehicle to talk about the four biggest games every week, because it would be boring if the 4 of us just loaded up on the Colts and Saints and whoever was playing the Raiders and Rams week after week. I’m tempted to just make fun of athlete’s names in lieu of trying to justify my picks in an effort to get black people to stop making up names out of whole cloth, but that is the coward’s way out. I will stick around for my weekly ritual humiliation, because I’m a professional. I’m taking Baltimore, because I remember a certain undefeated squad rolling in there 2 years ago and losing (okay, they didn’t lose, but they should have). The Ravens get pumped for these types of game at home, and they fucking NEED a win because of Cincinatti’s unexpected rise, whereas the Broncos are probably getting a little cocky and don’t need a fucking thing because their division is an abortion clinic dumpster.

NY Giants @ Philadelphia pk

Tony: Hey, did you guys know the NFC East is the toughest conference in football? I like how the Iggles still start McNabb every week. It’s like when you’re golfing and you’re playing like shit and you start to get really frustrated, contemplating the futility of spending all that time and money on an activity that is so profoundly infuriating, and you walk up to the ball for a second shot after some piddly 90-yard shank drive and without pausing to get set you take your 3-wood and swing as hard as you can and somehow the ball ends up 10 feet from the cup and at the end of the day that’s the only shot you remember even though you shot a 105 and you end up out there a couple weeks later doing it all over again because you’re an idiot. That’s the Eagles. Giants.

Dick: How can there not be a spread on this? Seriously, there has to be a one-point swing by Sunday, but since some cunt at Caesar’s is about to lose his job because the Rams can’t cover we get this sort of bullshit. Anyways, Todd Flanders is going through a rough patch and Don McNabb shook off the bad karma of trying to get his arms all the way around JaMarcus Russell’s waist in a pregame hug by beating, ahem, the Redskins. Give me the Giants. Why, why, why do I do this? This is the worst game to pick this week because both teams hate themselves and seem to want to lose. Okay, Giants, and I really mean it. Sax, kill me.

Sax: The Giants have to bounce back at some point, right? The first 6 weeks couldn’t have just been a mirage, could they? Christ. I’m taking the Giants like everyone else.

Minnesota @ Green Bay -3

Tony: I think Green Bay is in for a bitter, deflating afternoon. I know they want Favre to come in and melt under a mix of nostalgia and shame, but if this season has taught us anything, it’s that Bart Faver cares about no one but himself. I think he will handle Sunday’s unusual circumstances with no issues. Also he’s like a kid out there. Also, Green Bay’s O-line is shredded and Aaron Rodgers is going to spend the day giving Jared Allen mustache rides. Vikes.

Dick: The Vikings are really good and the Packers just had live scrimmages against the Browns and Lions and since the snow has not started falling in Wisconsin and Brett Favre is really, really pissed at Ted Thompson, the Vikings will win because Green Bay cannot stop him and Adrian Peterson at the same time because the Packers are just not three points better. I know this. I really, really do.

Sax: A normal person might be a little shaken by returning to what was his home stadium for 38 years to face thousands of bitter fans who might never forgive him for his defection to a division rival, but I think we’re all starting to realize that Brett Favre has more than a little Roger Clemens in him and doesn’t give a fuck. The bottom line is, Minnesota was the better team last week and should be undefeated right now. They will beat the shit out of the Packers.

Atlanta @ New Orleans -10

Tony: It would be foolish not to pick the Saints in this game. Falcons.

Dick: Ten points? Why not 20, Vegas? Have you seen Drew Brees and his “hair” lately? They’re at home! Have you seen their defense? I mean, Atlanta’s no slouch, but New Orleans puts up 34 points before they even get morning wood. I’ll take New Orleans along with a “new” house in the Lower Ninth Ward while I’m at it, bitches.

Sax: Has New Orleans failed to cover yet? I don’t think so. Gotta keep backing them (said the retard with the 12-16 record).

Standings
1. Tony (18-10) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (13-15) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (12-16) (0-4 last week)

Dick: Look, I know that Toothlesburger is 9-1 versus the NFC at home, but the Vikings are unbeaten because Brett Favre is quarterbacking maybe the best team in football. Pittsburgh may win this one because they have their insane Samoan safety back, but they won’t cover because they are capable of losing to Cincinnati meaning that Minnesota should turn Toothlesburger into Hamburger.

Tony: I said last week that I would not pick New Orleans against a top team until they made me, and New Orleans made their point rather convincingly. I am in the same spot this week with Minnesota. Sure they’re 6-0, but 4 of those games were Detroit, Cleveland, San Fran, and St. Louis, and the other two, Green Bay and Baltimore, weren’t exactly blockbuster matchups. Minnesota obviously has some powerful tools (Brett Favre is a major tool, for instance) but they are a couple of very lucky plays away from being 4-2. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, is good at football. Roethlisberger is hot and Minnesota’s secondary is not. Steelers.

Sax: I have to admit, I was getting swept up in the Minnesota hype a little, and I thought they were an obvious pick here until, like Tony, I looked back over their schedule. It does put their record in perspective, I guess, but I can’t get over what a fucking powerhouse their offense has been. I can see Pittsburgh winning, but I’m not sure I can see them doing it by 2 field goals. I’d love to see Favre throw 3 picks and fuck over Minnesota’s fans, but I still think it’s too early in the season. I’m taking the points. Also, Toothlessburger into Hamburger? Kill yourself, Dicky.

Chicago @ Cincinnati -1.5

Dick: I don’t know, maybe Cincinnati is for real, but it’s hard to take a team seriously when they wear uniforms better suited for a LARP convention or a manga orgy. Regardless, since Chicago is clearly not the same without Brian Urlacher and their wide receivers are still learning that their hands are used for catching the ball, I figure Cedric Benson will run for 125 yards out of spite while Carson Palmer treats the Bears like the Cubs.

Tony: Last week, it would have been easy to pick Cincinnati in this game, but their performance against the Houston Yeehaws raises some questions, most notably on defense. That said, Cutler tends to do worse when there are people in the stands who want the team he is not on to win the game and there should be a few of those people at this game what with it being in Ohio and everything. Bengals.

Sax: I still firmly believe Cincinnati is a bad team, I would have picked against them even if Odom wasn’t hurt. I know people are talking about Cedric Benson looking for vengeance or whatever, but I just don’t see it. Marvin Lewis is incompetent.

Atlanta @ Dallas -4

Dick: Why is Dallas still giving points? It’s already been established that Tony Romo is a pussy and Roy Williams (the good one on defense) is hurt while Atlanta is healthy, rolling, and on their game. So why in the name of all that is holy in the world of gambling are the lords of point spreads making them favorites? I’d like to think it’s because they want us all to be rich.

Tony: I like how Dallas is favored in this game even though it took overtime for them to beat the winless Chiefs. I hope John Abraham puts a … sticks his … does terrible things to Romo all afternoon. Falcons.

Sax: I do not understand this line at all. I keep double-checking to make sure I didn’t misread it. Dallas really is favored, even though they do absolutely nothing well.

Arizona @ Giants -7

Dick: Yes, the Saints rolled Todd Flanders last week, but this is Arizona. In New York. In really shitty weather. Eli against Arizona’s defense. This will end well.

Tony: I want this game to be a passing shootout because I have Larry Fitzgerald and Mario Manningham on my fantasy team. Other than that I don’t really give a fuck. The Giants will probably be looking for redemption after last week’s gang bang and I can’t see Arizona going to New York and losing by less than a touchdown. Giants.

Sax: I could see Arizona sneaking up on the Giants if New York hadn’t gotten the shit kicked out of them by the Saints last week. The Giants will take care of business at home. I know some people think that last week’s Saints debacle proves you can throw on the Giants, but it only proves it if “you” are Drew Brees, and Arizona’s passing attack is not what it once was because Kurt Warner is roughly 89 years old.

Standings

1. Tony (16-8) (2-2 last week)

2. Dick (12-12) (2-2 last week)

3. Sax (12-12) (3-1 last week)