Hurray! The Lakers Suck and Will for the Foreseeable Future “I see your hair is burning. Hills are filled with fire.” LA is a dumpster fire right now, and I can’t decide what will act as more of continued accelerant that keeps the flames riding high, the franchise owners and management, or LeBron James? As […]
Cube (1997)
May 18, 2019 by
Film Title
Cube (1997)Synopsis
Several humans are trapped in a deadly metallic cube maze. They must use all their resources to survive and escape. Will they?
Director
Vincenzo NataliCast
Nicole de Boer
Nicky Guadagni
David Hewlett
Andrew Miller
Julian Richings
Wayne Robson
Maurice Dean Went
Cube is a movie that you can characterize as unique with complete confidence. I watched it on a whim, after numbing my brain with the non-stop and very one-sided killing in John Wick 3. I needed a movie to un-lock my brain from all that violence, so I chose Cube. Bad choice, as I traded […]
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
May 17, 2019 by
Film Title
John Wick: Chapter 3 - ParabellumSynopsis
Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.
Director
Chad StahelskiCast
Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos
Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu
May 11, 2019 by
Film Title
Pokemon: Detective PikachuSynopsis
Where are you dad?
Director
Rob LettermanCast
Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe
Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]
UglyDolls
May 5, 2019 by
Film Title
UglyDollsSynopsis
Flawed dolls just want to be loved.
Director
Kelly AsburyCast
Kelly Clarkson
Pitbull
Nick Jonas
Blake Shelton
Wanda Sykes
Gabriel Iglesias
Emma Roberts
Leehom Wang
Fugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything, […]
Hellboy (2019)
April 30, 2019 by
Film Title
Hellboy (2019)Synopsis
Hellboy fights a witch, not that anybody cares.
Director
Neil Marshall (Not Guillermo del Toro)Cast
David Harbour (Not Ron Perlman)
Milla Jovovich
Ian McShane
Sasha Lane
Daniel Dae Kim
Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled Hellboy on purpose? Those are all […]
The Curse of La Llorona
April 20, 2019 by
Film Title
The Curse of La LloronaSynopsis
How to scare your children.
Director
Michael ChavesCast
Linda Cardellini
Roman Christou
Jaynee-Lynne Kinchen
Raymond Cruz
Marisol Ramirez
Patricia VelasquezTony Amendola
Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like Krampus or Tim Allen. Be good and […]
Pet Sematary (2019)
April 15, 2019 by
Film Title
Pet Sematary (2019)Synopsis
All cats must die. Respect the dead
Director
Kevin Kolsch, Dennis WidmyerCast
Jason Clarke
John Lithgow
Amy Seimetz
Jete' Laurence
Obssa Ahmed
Pet Sematary is one of Stephen King’s most popular horror novels that has been adapted for the movie screen 3 times now. The original 1989 Pet Sematary was most famous for that insane grey cat, the cute little kid getting smashed to smithereens by a semi, and for Fred Gwynne as Jud. It was a […]
Shazam!
April 7, 2019 by
Film Title
Shazam!Synopsis
Big meets Power Rangers meets Hancock.
Director
Davidd F. SandbergCast
Zachary Levi
Mark Strong
Djimon Hounsou
Jack Dylan Grazer
Asher Angel
Tag. You’re it! If ever a movie was being given a massive pass for not being the next putrid entry in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), Shazam! is it. Currently, it sits at 93% positive critics ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which ties it for best in the franchise with Wonder Woman. In no universe, including […]
Storm Boy
April 3, 2019 by
Film Title
Storm BoySynopsis
A kid raises pelicans on the beach. I am not kidding.
Director
Shawn SeetCast
Geoffrey Rush
Jai Courtney
Finn Little
Morgana Davies
Trevor Jamieson
Erik Thomson
No, seriously. When I read the title Storm Boy, all I can hear in my head is Phoebe from Friends, saying “Flame Boy” and it makes it really hard to take Storm Boy seriously. And it should be taken seriously. It’s about a boy and his pelican. *giggles* In fact, it’s about a boy and […]
