The Lakers are going to suck for a long time

Hurray! The Lakers Suck and Will for the Foreseeable Future “I see your hair is burning. Hills are filled with fire.” LA is a dumpster fire right now, and I can’t decide what will act as more of continued accelerant that keeps the flames riding high, the franchise owners and management, or LeBron James? As […]

Cube (1997)

Film Title

Cube (1997)

Synopsis

Several humans are trapped in a deadly metallic cube maze. They must use all their resources to survive and escape. Will they?

Director

Vincenzo Natali

Cast

Nicole de Boer
Nicky Guadagni
David Hewlett
Andrew Miller
Julian Richings
Wayne Robson
Maurice Dean Went

Cube is a movie that you can characterize as unique with complete confidence. I watched it on a whim, after numbing my brain with the non-stop and very one-sided killing in John Wick 3. I needed a movie to un-lock my brain from all that violence, so I chose Cube. Bad choice, as I traded […]

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Film Title

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

Synopsis

Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.

Director

Chad Stahelski

Cast

Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos

Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Film Title

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Synopsis

Where are you dad?

Director

Rob Letterman

Cast

Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe

Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]

UglyDolls

Film Title

UglyDolls

Synopsis

Flawed dolls just want to be loved.

Director

Kelly Asbury

Cast

Kelly Clarkson
Pitbull
Nick Jonas
Blake Shelton
Wanda Sykes
Gabriel Iglesias
Emma Roberts
Leehom Wang

Fugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything, […]

Hellboy (2019)

Film Title

Hellboy (2019)

Synopsis

Hellboy fights a witch, not that anybody cares.

Director

Neil Marshall (Not Guillermo del Toro)

Cast

David Harbour (Not Ron Perlman)
Milla Jovovich
Ian McShane
Sasha Lane
Daniel Dae Kim

Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled Hellboy on purpose? Those are all […]

The Curse of La Llorona

Film Title

The Curse of La Llorona

Synopsis

How to scare your children.

Director

Michael Chaves

Cast

Linda Cardellini
Roman Christou
Jaynee-Lynne Kinchen
Raymond Cruz
Marisol Ramirez
Patricia VelasquezTony Amendola

Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like Krampus or Tim Allen. Be good and […]

Pet Sematary (2019)

Film Title

Pet Sematary (2019)

Synopsis

All cats must die. Respect the dead

Director

Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer

Cast

Jason Clarke
John Lithgow
Amy Seimetz
Jete' Laurence
Obssa Ahmed

Pet Sematary is one of Stephen King’s most popular horror novels that has been adapted for the movie screen 3 times now. The original 1989 Pet Sematary was most famous for that insane grey cat, the cute little kid getting smashed to smithereens by a semi, and for Fred Gwynne as Jud. It was a […]

Shazam!

Film Title

Shazam!

Synopsis

Big meets Power Rangers meets Hancock.

Director

Davidd F. Sandberg

Cast

Zachary Levi
Mark Strong
Djimon Hounsou
Jack Dylan Grazer
Asher Angel

Tag. You’re it! If ever a movie was being given a massive pass for not being the next putrid entry in the DC Extended Universe (DCEU), Shazam! is it. Currently, it sits at 93% positive critics ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, which ties it for best in the franchise with Wonder Woman. In no universe, including […]

Storm Boy

Film Title

Storm Boy

Synopsis

A kid raises pelicans on the beach. I am not kidding.

Director

Shawn Seet

Cast

Geoffrey Rush
Jai Courtney
Finn Little
Morgana Davies
Trevor Jamieson
Erik Thomson

No, seriously. When I read the title Storm Boy, all I can hear in my head is Phoebe from Friends, saying “Flame Boy” and it makes it really hard to take Storm Boy seriously. And it should be taken seriously. It’s about a boy and his pelican. *giggles* In fact, it’s about a boy and […]