Aladdin (2019)

Film Title

Aladdin (2019)

Synopsis

Aladdin.

Director

Guy Ritchie

Cast

Will Smith
Mena Massoud
Naomi Scott
Marwan Kenzari
Navid Negahban
Alan Tudyk
Nasim Pedrad

A problem with your REMAKE!! As Disney continues to chew through live-action remakes of animated classics with Aladdin as the latest, all I can think is when will it end? The recently released Dumbo came and went with little notice, got panned by more critics than not and, depending on the marketing budget, will be […]

Brightburn (2019)

Film Title

Brightburn (2019)

Synopsis

SuperBoy turns bad and people die

Director

David Yarovesky

Cast

Elizabeth Banks
Jackson A. Dunn
Jennifer Holland
David Denman
Matt Jones
Gregory Alan Williams
Emmie Hunter
Meredith Hagner

I have been reading with utter disbelief some of the glowing reviews by IMDB users for the movie Brightburn. This sci-fi, Superman, horror, Omen tear-off is one of the lamest, most pointless attempts at a horror (or whatever it thought it was) film that I have ever watched. The review will most likely be mercifully […]

The Lakers are going to suck for a long time

Hurray! The Lakers Suck and Will for the Foreseeable Future “I see your hair is burning. Hills are filled with fire.” LA is a dumpster fire right now, and I can’t decide what will act as more of continued accelerant that keeps the flames riding high, the franchise owners and management, or LeBron James? As […]

Cube (1997)

Film Title

Cube (1997)

Synopsis

Several humans are trapped in a deadly metallic cube maze. They must use all their resources to survive and escape. Will they?

Director

Vincenzo Natali

Cast

Nicole de Boer
Nicky Guadagni
David Hewlett
Andrew Miller
Julian Richings
Wayne Robson
Maurice Dean Went

Cube is a movie that you can characterize as unique with complete confidence. I watched it on a whim, after numbing my brain with the non-stop and very one-sided killing in John Wick 3. I needed a movie to un-lock my brain from all that violence, so I chose Cube. Bad choice, as I traded […]

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum

Film Title

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum

Synopsis

Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.

Director

Chad Stahelski

Cast

Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos

Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Film Title

Pokemon: Detective Pikachu

Synopsis

Where are you dad?

Director

Rob Letterman

Cast

Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe

Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]

UglyDolls

Film Title

UglyDolls

Synopsis

Flawed dolls just want to be loved.

Director

Kelly Asbury

Cast

Kelly Clarkson
Pitbull
Nick Jonas
Blake Shelton
Wanda Sykes
Gabriel Iglesias
Emma Roberts
Leehom Wang

Fugley. What movie did we see last night?Uglydolls. Why was it called UglyDolls?Cuz Fuglers are ugly. What is a Fugler?Funny. Ugly. Cute. And how do you know about fuglers?BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THEM!!! They’re basically stuffed animals. Do fugler toys talk like in the movie?Uh, no, but they can make friends. They’re not animatronics or anything, […]

Hellboy (2019)

Film Title

Hellboy (2019)

Synopsis

Hellboy fights a witch, not that anybody cares.

Director

Neil Marshall (Not Guillermo del Toro)

Cast

David Harbour (Not Ron Perlman)
Milla Jovovich
Ian McShane
Sasha Lane
Daniel Dae Kim

Somebody crack a window. Did you know there was a remake of Hellboy coming out this year? Did you even know there was an original Hellboy released back in 2004 and a sequel released in 2008? Do you think I am making up a movie that is actually titled Hellboy on purpose? Those are all […]

The Curse of La Llorona

Film Title

The Curse of La Llorona

Synopsis

How to scare your children.

Director

Michael Chaves

Cast

Linda Cardellini
Roman Christou
Jaynee-Lynne Kinchen
Raymond Cruz
Marisol Ramirez
Patricia VelasquezTony Amendola

Do you know where your children are? As parents, we tell our kids all kinds of lies to get them to behave. Right now, you are thinking of Santa Claus. Jolly old St. Nick is mostly a harmless lie, unless you subscribe to evil versions of Santa like Krampus or Tim Allen. Be good and […]

Pet Sematary (2019)

Film Title

Pet Sematary (2019)

Synopsis

All cats must die. Respect the dead

Director

Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer

Cast

Jason Clarke
John Lithgow
Amy Seimetz
Jete' Laurence
Obssa Ahmed

Pet Sematary is one of Stephen King’s most popular horror novels that has been adapted for the movie screen 3 times now. The original 1989 Pet Sematary was most famous for that insane grey cat, the cute little kid getting smashed to smithereens by a semi, and for Fred Gwynne as Jud. It was a […]