Catching Fire- Movie Review

I get it, evil future dictators. You like gladiatorial death-matches because they allow you to entertain the public while slaying your opponents. Do you know a better way to kill those two mockingjays with one stone? Play the Benny Hill music as the soundtrack every time you televise an execution.

Blackfish Review

Film Title

Blackfish

Synopsis

Orca II: The Quickening

Director

Gabriela Cowperthwaite

Cast

Tilikum, some former Sea World trainers, various experts, and nobody currently affiliated with Sea World

Tilly, do you see the trainer in the window? I want you to see her because that’s my wife.

Madison Rising: Music Review

It’s metal. For your mom.

Jingle All The Way Review

Synopsis

Christmas isn’t about material things. It’s about being willing to go to great lengths and to step on many people to acquire material things.

Director

Brian Levant

Cast

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Rita Wilson, James Belushi, Jake Lloyd, Harvey Korman

Christmas isn’t about material things. It’s about being willing to go to great lengths and to step on many people to acquire material things.

Rush

Film Title

Rush

Synopsis

A film about unknown European race car drivers from 40 years ago somehow fails to be a boxoffice bonanza, although it is very good.

Director

Ron Howard

The 1976 racing season was in the middle of what has long been thought of as the golden age of F1, and at the heart of it were Hunt and Lauda, who had quickly become…

NFL Picks: Japanesey Edition

Not to mention, I don’t have any money to bet on football after spending my life savings on Pachinko while in Japan and now owing millions of yen to Yakuza loan sharks.

Ender’s Game- Film Review

Ender’s Game- Film Review   Fair Value of Ender’s Game: $11.50. It’s a cold sprinting synopsis of the book, but it still packs a solid cathartic impact in the resolution. Why Didn’t You Boycott Orson Scott Card? I sharply disagree with Card’s misogyny, homophobia, and religious conservatism. I can say the same thing for H. P. […]

Gravity

Film Title

Gravity (2013)

Synopsis

Female astronaut gathers the courage to survive a space disaster thanks to male astronaut’s appraisals of her preciousness. Really.

Director

Alfonso Cuarón

Cast

Sandra Bullock
George Clooney
The Mooninites

Not the most important thing in your life right now.

Thor 2: The Dark World

The entire universe is at threat of being converted into the dark matter Red Vines of doom, but nobody seems to care all that much. The characters are numb to the stakes, and that left me numb to the characters.

Fuck Movember

The premise is simple and alarmingly retarded in equal measure: grow a mustache, look like a Turkish rent-boy for a month and think you’re fighting cancer.