Junior Review

Film Title

Junior

Synopsis

Seahorses, dude.

Director

Ivan Reitman

Cast

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Danny DeVito
Emma Thompson
Frank Langella
Christopher Meloni

Father, why hast thou forsaken me?

The Five Most Loathsome Americans Who Flew Under The Radar in 2013

LINDEL TOUPS JR. If there is one thing we love here in Louisiana, it’s prison. Not only are we the prison capital of the United States, we are the prison capital of the world. We incarcerate people at a rate five times that of Iran and thirteen times that of China. One in eighty-six Louisianians […]

Anchorman 2: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Ultimately, the film feels more like the Ron Burgundy sketch show than a comedy film. But overall, it’s too disorganized, a grunting stream of non sequiturs thrown out in a desperate chase to dig every vein of comedy gold that can be found.

The Hobbit 2: The Smaugening- Film Review

One of the textbooks symptoms of a bad sequel is one that tries to merely repeat what you liked about the film, while jostling you sharply in the ribs to remind you of what you once enjoyed.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Film Title

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Director

Nicholas Webster

Cast

John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Pia Zadora

I stumbled upon this heaping pile of garbage by googling, “Worst holiday movies ever.”

12 Years a Slave- Film Review

Rape of wimpering woman in mid-night, the men forced to stand mute witness. Children forced screaming from mothers. Beatings until the bat breaks. Giant red rents festering on black backs as the cotton-worms crawl. That old Dixie charm, y’all.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1947)

Film Title

It's a Wonderful Life

Synopsis

No, it’s a Terrible, Terrible Movie

Director

Frank Capra

Cast

Jimmy Stewart
Donna Reed
Lionel Barrymore
Thomas Mitches
Henry Travers

It’s a Wonderful Life (1947) I rarely review movies that I genuinely detest, but I’m making an exception in this case. Think of this review as more of a warning than an assessment, if by some chance you have not watched this classic. I really dreaded re-watching the public domain issue of this pedestrian yawner […]

Catching Fire- Movie Review

I get it, evil future dictators. You like gladiatorial death-matches because they allow you to entertain the public while slaying your opponents. Do you know a better way to kill those two mockingjays with one stone? Play the Benny Hill music as the soundtrack every time you televise an execution.

Blackfish Review

Film Title

Blackfish

Synopsis

Orca II: The Quickening

Director

Gabriela Cowperthwaite

Cast

Tilikum, some former Sea World trainers, various experts, and nobody currently affiliated with Sea World

Tilly, do you see the trainer in the window? I want you to see her because that’s my wife.

Madison Rising: Music Review

Itís metal. For your mom.