M is for mole. For my wife, time travel in a movie kills that movie for her. I get it – time travel solves any problem, undoes any death or event, and, of course, comes with that pesky paradox (if you change the past, you erase the reason for going back to the past to […]
Men in Black: International
June 16, 2019 by
Film Title
Men in Black: InternationalSynopsis
A couple of Asgardians slumming it.
Director
F. Gary GrayCast
Chris Hemsworth
Tessa Thompson
Liam Neeson
Emma Thompson
Kumail Nanjiani
Rafe Spall
Rebecca Ferguson
Kayvan Novak
Laurent Bourgeois
Larry Bourgeois
Godzilla: King of the Monsters
June 9, 2019 by
Film Title
Godzilla: King of the MonstersSynopsis
Just when you thought Godzilla had reached a new low, it tunnels
Director
Michael DoughertyCast
Kyle Chandler
Vera Farmiga
Millie Bobbie Brown
Bradley Whitford
Sally Hawkins
Ken Watanabe
Charles Dance
David Strathairn
I am not even going to make a pretense of trying to ease this review into some sort of soft landing; one that you have to read before I tell you how I really feel. This latest attempt at a Godzilla movie was horrible, embarrassing and worthy of much cringing. It was worse than anything […]
Avengers: Endgame
June 1, 2019 by
Film Title
Avengers: EndgameSynopsis
Marvel comes to a head.
Director
Anthony and Joe RussoCast
Everyone from the previous 21 movies
At long last. We can finally all breathe. After twenty-two movies, we can finally turn our attention to other films and budding franchises that have been overshadowed by the Marvel behemoth. If you look over there, the DC Extended Universe is still budding and…well…ok – it sucks pretty hard. Joker looks promising based on the […]
Dwayne Johnson Is A Box Office Terrorist
May 30, 2019 by
Some dopey fuck watched Die Hard and came to the conclusion that the core ingredients of its success are these three things: a tall building, foot injuries and duct tape. Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has one leg. His family is trapped in a burning skyscraper. He uses duct tape to rescue his family on three […]
The Top 10 Most Outrageous YouTube Eating Channels (2019 version)
May 25, 2019 by
EDITOR’S NOTE: Since the original Top 10 list is over four years old, some things have changed. Things like some of these brave warriors have given up this dangerous folly. Have no fear, however, fresh troops are on the job, and here is an updated Top Ten List of the most outrageous YouTube Eating Channels. […]
Aladdin (2019)
May 25, 2019 by
Film Title
Aladdin (2019)Synopsis
Aladdin.
Director
Guy RitchieCast
Will Smith
Mena Massoud
Naomi Scott
Marwan Kenzari
Navid Negahban
Alan Tudyk
Nasim Pedrad
A problem with your REMAKE!! As Disney continues to chew through live-action remakes of animated classics with Aladdin as the latest, all I can think is when will it end? The recently released Dumbo came and went with little notice, got panned by more critics than not and, depending on the marketing budget, will be […]
Brightburn (2019)
May 22, 2019 by
Film Title
Brightburn (2019)Synopsis
SuperBoy turns bad and people die
Director
David YaroveskyCast
Elizabeth Banks
Jackson A. Dunn
Jennifer Holland
David Denman
Matt Jones
Gregory Alan Williams
Emmie Hunter
Meredith Hagner
I have been reading with utter disbelief some of the glowing reviews by IMDB users for the movie Brightburn. This sci-fi, Superman, horror, Omen tear-off is one of the lamest, most pointless attempts at a horror (or whatever it thought it was) film that I have ever watched. The review will most likely be mercifully […]
The Lakers are going to suck for a long time
May 19, 2019 by
Hurray! The Lakers Suck and Will for the Foreseeable Future “I see your hair is burning. Hills are filled with fire.” LA is a dumpster fire right now, and I can’t decide what will act as more of continued accelerant that keeps the flames riding high, the franchise owners and management, or LeBron James? As […]
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
May 17, 2019 by
Film Title
John Wick: Chapter 3 - ParabellumSynopsis
Up, up, down, down, B, A, B, A, Select, Start.
Director
Chad StahelskiCast
Keanu Reeves
Ian McShane
Halle Berry
Laurence Fishburne
Lance Reddick
Asia Kate Dillon
Mark Dacascos
Difficulty: Evil. Cheat mode: Enabled. I like how cocky the John Wick franchise has become. The first film’s title was simply John Wick. No fanfare. Just a dude’s name. John Wick grossed $88 million on a $20 million budget, coupled with an inexplicably high 85% positive rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Brimming with confidence, Summit Entertainment […]
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu
May 11, 2019 by
Film Title
Pokemon: Detective PikachuSynopsis
Where are you dad?
Director
Rob LettermanCast
Ryan Reynolds
Justice Smith
Bill Nighy
Kathryn Newton
Ken Watanabe
Go or something-or-other. I know next to nothing about Pokemon. I know it is a card game where the cards feature different creatures, which I assume are called Pokemons. I am not going to Google this, but feel free to email Goat with your complaints about me being stupid. Anyway, players make decks of creatures […]
