Dunkirk

Film Title

Dunkirk

Synopsis

Dunkirk.

Director

Christopher Nolan

Cast

Fionn Whitehead
Harry Styles
Kenneth Branagh
Tom Hardy
Jack Lowden
Mark Rylance
Tom Glynn-Carney
Cillian Murphy
Barry Keoghan

The war-iest of war movies. We’ve all seen what Christopher Nolan is capable of and it’s almost always been fantastic. We’re at a point now where “Directed by Christopher Nolan” is all that needs to be said to peak interest in a new movie. In other words, the opposite of “Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.” […]

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Film Title

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Synopsis

The result of 10,000 computers vomiting for 2 hours and 17 minutes.

Director

Luc Besson

Cast

Dane DeHaan
Cara Delevingne
Clive Owen (Seriously)
Ethan Hawke (Seriously)
Rihanna
Herbie Hancock
Rutger Hauer
Sam Spruell

Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is […]

War for the Planet of the Apes

Film Title

War for the Planet of the Apes

Synopsis

There is no war, only the moral compass of the Monkeys

Director

Matt Reeves

Cast

Andy Serkis
Woody Harrelson
Steve Zahn
Karin Konoval
Amiah Miller
Terry Notary

War for the Planet of the Apes. l’ll have to say that I looked forward to this movie with a fair amount of expectation. Why? Nothing else has really excited me this year since Get Out. Alien:Covenant was quite good, but the fanboy crying about it virtually ruined it for me. Free Fire was fun, […]

Wish Upon

Film Title

Wish Upon

Synopsis

A high school girl makes wishes that end in unintentional comedy and novelty deaths.

Director

John R. Leonetti

Cast

Joey King
Ryan Phillippe
Ki Hong Lee
Mitchell Slaggert
Shannon Purser
Sydney Park
Elisabeth Rohm
Josephine Langford

Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the funniest thing I’ve heard in my […]

The 20 Most Ruthless Movie Performances of All Time

The Dark Gospel According To Matt Cale

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014)

Film Title

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014)

Synopsis

Anyone who has to sit through this mess of a movie is having a bad day

Director

Miguel Arteta

Cast

Steve Carell
Jennifer Garner
Ed Oxenbould
Dylan Minnette
Keris Dorsey
Bella Thorne

ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY (2014): It’s hard to figure out what demographic the film makers were aiming for. With a script that includes penis jokes, stripper jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes, it is hardly appropriate for children. On the other hand, it is simply too brain dead for […]

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Film Title

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Synopsis

Tom Holland and Marvel help us forget 13 years and 3 movies of shame.

Director

Jon Watts

Cast

Tom Holland
Michael Keaton
Marisa Tomei
Robert Downey Jr.
Jon Favreau
Zendaya
Donald Glover

Now we can argue about the best Spider-Man actor. Do you realize it’s been thirteen years since the last good Spider-Man film? Spider-Man 2 was the last good one and Andrew Garfield was not better than Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I said it. The Amazing Spider-Man was bland and Garfield’s portrayal was mediocre and not sympathetic. […]

Baby Driver

Film Title

Baby Driver

Director

Edgar Wright

Cast

Ansel Elgort
Kevin Spacey
Jon Hamm
Jamie Foxx
Eiza Gonzalez
Lily James
Jon Bernthal
CJ Jones

Worst title ever? In the context of the film, the title makes perfect sense. The main character is named Baby, he’s a getaway driver for heists, and he’s really young. In the context of wanting to sell more movie tickets, it’s maybe the worst title ever. When I first saw it on the advanced screening […]

The Misunderstood-Iceman

We are all gay for Iceman over here.

THE ABCs OF BBQ-Smoking the meat edition

VERSES OF BBQ THE ABCS OF BBQ-Smoking the meat edition Salvations 1:1 Verily,verily I say unto thee, an open flame shall not touch thy cooking flesh or thine days will be numbered before you are cast into the lake of ire. Goatesians 1:2-4 The only way to the BBQ is with the meat. It is […]