Slutty and Sluttier is what Gloria Allred sees on a bad acid trip. It is pure evil, and I curse forum administrator MG Kelly for ever having sent it to me. The word “fetish” is far too pleasant a word for this movie; in order to adequately describe it, it would be necessary to invent new letters which could only be pronounced by throwing kittens into a wood chipper. Needless to say, I still had no problem whipping my pud like an Alaskan Husky while watching it.

Aurora Snow begins the first scene by crawling around in front of a mirror and calling herself a dirty cunt, spanking herself, and spitting on her reflection. If this is the birth of some kind of “self-hating female” genre of porn, I guess we won’t have to put up with any more Ann Coulter books anytime soon. Aurora’s capacity for throat fucking is particularly of note; it sounded like someone was holding down Stephen Hawking’s “g” key. Aurora spreads her twat so wide for her co-star that I worried whether he was poking holes in some poor baby’s head, and by the end of the scene her ass is redder than Santa’s face after getting caught performing autoerotic asphyxiation. Aurora gets fucked for longer than a Tasmanian woodchuck by a PCP-smoking marmoset on Guy Fawkes’ Day in this scene, which clocks in at an epic 40 minutes.

The next scene features Aurora, Sandra Romain and 12 guys—you know why I think they went with 12? Cause 13 would just be fucking gay. Sandra is not the shyest girl on the block; this was the only time I’ve ever heard “Give me your cock or I’ll fucking kill you!” screamed in a Romanian accent, except when poor Grandpa’s farm was robbed that fateful December morn. The amount of cum on Sandra’s face at the end of this scene would make even a Japanese man queasy; it looked like someone fed a hand grenade to the Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

You know, I could joke about the various depraved acts in which Annette Schwartz engages in Scene 3—the rampant ass-munching, the toe-sucking, the getting slapped around more than Shemp after fainting—but what REALLY merits comment is her invention (as far as I’m aware) of a new porn technique: the cum-snort! I mean, as much work as the guys from Jackass Number Two put into grossing us out this summer, all it took was one young lady to make them look like the Little Rascals, probably because she was so zonked out on coke that she thought it was more coke.

Mia Rose is a cutie, but her scene is disappointingly standard considering the steadily rising level of weirdness preceding it. I was really interested to see how the filmmakers would push the limits of human wickedness in their final scene—maybe some girl could get fucked with a turkey leg in the middle of Ethiopia or Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show could be playing in the background—but to end Slutty and Sluttier with a 40-minute scene of just plain old, meat n’ potatoes anal sex, well, they may as well have just shown a Christian couple engaging in intercourse for the purposes of procreation. However, that is not to denigrate Mia’s fine performance; her co-star stays in her bunghole longer than Tom Cruise in denial. KAPOW!

Well, that about wraps it up for Slutty and Sluttier—I’m gonna go take a long, hot shower and join the monastery for about five years. I’ll see you in a couple months when I’ll probably be making knock-knock jokes about snuff films.

The title of this one says it all. The disc features five scenes of naive, pot-bellied husbands leaving their scantily-clad wives alone with big Mandingo warriors for various reasons, conveniently long enough for them to get fucked silly in every position imaginable. The flick packs a mighty two hours of footage–more than enough for a healthy masturbation marathon on your day off to recognize Martin Luther King Day.

Scene One: Big-booty beauty Katja Kassin is dropped off by her husband at the house of personal trainer/melanin-enriched cockmonster Sledge Hammer in her workout clothes for a little fitness training, which is exactly what happens if by “fitness” you mean “a big fat cock” and by “training” you mean “in her ass”. Hammer goes to work on Katja’s butthole on the weight bench for fifteen minutes strong before finally unloading his rhythmically gifted seed into the mouth of the lusty redhead.

Scene Two: Southern blonde Nicole Brazzle, sporting a skimpy blue two-piece, is sent to wait with Nat while her husband goes out front to pick some grapefruits to help cure her unspecified health condition, the other cure for which is apparently sex with black men. Nicole helps Nat to a solid blowjob, complete with some stellar throatfuck noises that could summon ducklings from miles away. To say that Nicole has junk in her trunk would be an understatement; I think at one point I saw her shit out Natalie Holloway. Nat goes to work on Nicole in a few different positions before busting in her face and hurriedly returning her to her husband, who doesn’t seem too suspicious of the manchowder sprayed all over her upper body.

Scene Three: This scene sees long-legged brunette housewife Poppy getting worked over by the neighborhood antique dealer/white wife impaler Billy. Vaginal and anal fans alike will be pleased by this segment as Billy proceeds to put it in both the pink AND the stink.

Scene Four: Smokin’ brunette Yasmin is left with Billy while her husband goes out to look at furniture, doing what any wise furniture aficionado would do, which is leave his significant other unattended with a strange and horny black man. We’ve got oral, we’ve got vaginal, we’ve got anal, and if cutie Yasmin had suffered a biking accident and been left with a gaping shoulder wound, I’m sure Billy’d have fucked that, too.

Scene Five: If there’s anyone who knows how to take it in the bum like a champ, it’s petite blondie Melissa. For those of you with porn storyline bingo cards, the premise for this particular African-Caucasian cock invasion is music lessons. This is a prime example of a well-done anal scene. You could say Melissa is like Tiger Woods, only instead of playing golf, she has ass sex.

A solid effort by all the cast members helped make this feature from Smash productions a truly wanktastical event. I give this one four wads of tissue out of four and highly recommend it for any middle school cultural diversity program.

Jessica Jammer: One of the few porn stars to use her real name.

Violate Every Hole stays true to its name – if there was a gopher tunnel being dug or an appendectomy being performed during the filming of this video, you can safely assume that the resulting orifices were filled with a cock at some point.

Scene 1 begins with the beautiful Jamie Elle being groped enthusiastically while bound to the front door. Now, with all due respect to the filmmakers, everyone knows that when tying up a naked girl, it is imperative that you bind both the hands AND feet. You don’t want your guest turning the doorknob with her toes and escaping back home to her family after you’ve already made three trips to the post office for finger-mailing purposes. That said, I quite enjoyed watching Jamie get fucked in the ass. Facial fans will be disappointed to find Miss Elle’s visage tadpole-free, but she does earn an 8.5 for style as she leans back and converts her anus into a gaping jizzcannon. Seeing as how Jamie’s turdcutter appears to have taken more hits than Mohammad Ali, this part of the scene tends to give one the impression that he is staring down the throat of a decapitated bull.

In Scene 2, Jessica Jammer is led around the living room on a dog leash, which I found to be extremely degrading and offensive as the proud owner of a German Shepard. Jessica gobbles down two cocks like a shark after ten bong hits and then bends over to perform an Eiffel Tower (Why do they call it an Eiffel Tower? Last I heard, this particular landmark did not have a penis in its mouth and vagina at the same time). This scene made me remember how funny it is when a guy in porn goes in for the kiss and gets rejected. It’s like, “Hey, hey, I know I have a dick in my ass and my pussy simultaneously, but what do you think I am, some kind of slut?!” The scene rightfully concludes with Jessica’s face taking more bombs than Pearl Harbor (too soon?).

Helen Keller fetishists will be pleased to see the sultry Saana rocking a blindfold at the beginning of Scene 3, although it is soon removed so that she is better able to detect cock. Saana was made for this job; the way I see it, any girl with the word “Angel” tattooed on her stomach has no more pristine an ass than someone who gets their medical checkups from ET. Saana gets perforated by penis in every way imaginable and ends the scene by showing us that she won’t be having any protein deficiencies anytime soon.

Scene 4: Mia Bangg seems to have fallen into some radioactive waste and gained the superpower of having a throat of steel. Mia devours dick like a pro while drooling more than a retarded bulldog in a steakhouse. Mia is really worked over in this scene; when the double penetration is all said and done, an entire day care center could use her taint as a trampoline. Miss Bangg’s superior work ethic is reflected in the texture of her pissflaps, which reminds me – Arby’s is about to close soon.

Scene 5: Naudia Nice kicks off this scene with the excited proclamation of “I’m ready to get my asshole violated!” which is what any girl is really saying when she says “Would you like to come up for coffee?” or “The judge said you weren’t allowed to call me anymore.” Hey, I just noticed that “Naudia Nice” is an oxymoron! That’s where two opposites are put together in a single phrase, like “beautiful disaster” or “creative porn actress”. Naudia really knows how to move while being invaded on both fronts – if I didn’t know any better, I’d say this wasn’t the first time she’s had sexual intercourse. In other news, the one guy’s dick and balls are a weird bluish color, although it may be a sign that you’ve reviewed too much porn when you start critiquing the phallic appearances of the male actors. Overall, Naudia puts forth a spirited performance that never slows down. Remind me to send her uncle a thank-you card.

Violate Every Hole earns a solid four out of five cantaloupes with holes cut in them. Hopefully by the time the next few installments of this series are released, genetic engineering will have provided us with more holes which may be violated.

Star, Kelly Wells, obviously had a healthy childhood.

Butt Blassted Too!, which was changed at the last minute from the slightly less subtle title Admiral Anus’s Buttastical Bag of Wrecked Rectums!, is truly fun for the whole family, uh, provided you’ve given your kids the whole “When a man and a woman love each other, sometimes the man will raid her sphincter with his one-eyed Viking and then glue her eyes shut with his Daddy Juice” talk.

Scene 1: After sliding her thong over and giving us a chance to guess what she had for dinner last night, Mary Anne drops to her knees as Kris Slater engages in what appears to be a medieval joust with her tonsils. During the anal scene, she treats us to a little A2M (which, for those not well-versed in Pornolese, translates into “E. coli popsicle”). Kris concludes by letting loose a blast in her face like she was Abe Lincoln and he was John Wilkes Booth, no offense if you clean theater seats for a living.

Michelle opens up Scene 2 by giving us some Wayne’s World-style extreme close ups of her various curves and crevices. At one point when she was shoving her nipples into the lens, I felt like a hungry baby who in 15 years will have to endure relentless ball-busting when one of his friends stumbles upon a video of some dude playing his mom’s intestines like an accordion. Michelle has an all-out war declared on her pooper in this scene; I kept expecting to see Napalm Girl from Vietnam fleeing from her colon.

Jessica vigorously ass-fingers herself to techno music along with some rapidly changing camera angles at the onset of Scene 3, which was apparently directed by the Wachowski brothers. I don’t know who started this whole “gag myself to tears” trend in porn blowjobs, but I feel it is a far more vital contribution to society than any of that Thomas Edison bullshit. Mr. Marcus wraps things up by jizzing on a hot dog bun and feeding it to Jessica in a new twist on the traditional cumshot that reminded me why I can never work at the MCI Center again.

Tony was so anxious to eat Kelly’s ass at the beginning of Scene 4 that I had to double-check to make sure he wasn’t Somalian. Tony turns Kelly inside-out in this scene, and I don’t mean figuratively in that “I just attended a really inspiring Tony Robbins speech” way; I mean literally in that “Could you please tuck my pancreas back in?” way. Tony finishes up by depositing his load into Kelly’s keester before she proudly launches it into the air like a DNA volcano.

As I watched the tenth strand of love-drool dribble down Vanilla’s chin while she gave Seth a rather enthusiastic blowjob to kick off Scene 5, I couldn’t help but wonder: Shouldn’t we all technically be cannibals by now if porn really corrupts society like the FCC says? After he successfully fuck-starts Vanilla’s head, Seth proceeds to camp out in her bum-bum for the long haul. If anal sex was death, this scene would be the Holocaust—that means it would barely warrant a PG rating if you’re Mel Gibson’s dad.

Butt Blassted Too! is required viewing if you’re a fan of, as they call it in Mississippi, “the hole that Jesus can’t see.” I give it a healthy 4 Roofied supermodels out of 5 with a special shout-out to the enema crew; if they were passing out comment cards for this DVD like they do at restaurants, I would give it a 10 for cleanliness. In fact, there was far less visible feces than one would find at most Denny’s.

Julia Bond in SFW shot from a better movie.

At 86 minutes long, Wet, Detailed and Nailed features six car-wash hotties treating their customers to the Deluxe Wash for an organization called the “Naked Lady Charity” (those AIDS patients should have just tried to be a little sexier).

Courtney and Alektra kick off Scene 1 by sucking Lee’s dick like they’re caught in a bear trap and he’s cumming laughing gas. The position I admired most was when Lee picked up Alektra and began bouncing her up and down on his dick while Courtney licked his balls, thereby effectively bouncing Alektra’s ass off Courtney’s face. It was like a move you’d see in a WWE tag team match only slightly less sexually suggestive.

Scene 2: Gabriella Banks takes a cock well, but she missed a couple spots on her customers’ Ram 1500. After putting forth such shoddy workmanship, she’s lucky they still had the courtesy to pummel her love-hole. Gabriella puts forth a spirited performance, although those beef curtains indicate she may be close to retirement—it’s kind of like watching Michael Jordan hobble around the court with a swollen knee for the Washington Wizards.

In Scene 3, Trina Michaels takes a throatfucking so well that you wonder if she ever even bothered to chew her food in the first place. She then enjoys a spit-roast and DP, and we are briefly treated to a close up of her being sphincter-slammed. Now, you may be wondering “Is it TOO close?” and my response would be “No such thing.” You could show me a microscopic image of her rectal cells playing Slip N’ Slide in the lube and I would still accuse you of trying to keep it Cinemax-friendly.

Scene 4: Julia Bond may not give the most aggressive head, but with that face she could be reading Mein Kampf to me and I would still cum. The scene is a tad short—it only features a brief doggy, reverse cowgirl and spoon—and I know when I see a girl as hot as Julia, I want 60 hours of her nailed in positions that would make the Kama Sutra look like See Spot Run, sodomized with every fruit and vegetable known to man, and doused with enough baby-batter to fill a swimming pool…But maybe I’m just being old-fashioned.

Scene 5: With blonde hair, gigantic tits and long, sexy legs, Nadia Hilton is the kind of chick God would fuck if he wasn’t impotent. Nadia takes it missionary, reverse cowgirl and spoon before taking a load so massive she looks like a finalist on Double Dare.

Wet, Detailed and Nailed eased the pain from being Maced every time I ever asked the local cheerleading team for a “Deluxe Wash”, and for that I award it three and a half empty Vaseline jars out of four. Its release will surely go down in history as the first time anyone ever associated sexual thoughts with a charity car wash.

I have not read the Dan Brown bestseller The DaVinci Code, but if its porno spoof The DaVinci Load has stayed at all true to the book, one can only assume it will be masturbated to primarily by retards. It will also appear in the “movies” section on the Myspace page of every girl on Earth right next to whatever the X-rated version of The Devil Wears Prada is called.

Scene 1 starts off with some shitty dialogue that probably nobody would be able to tell apart from the real DaVinci Code if you just changed all the “cock”s to “Jesus”. I must say I found the abundance of dialogue in this film disconcerting; I mean, if I had the patience to sit and listen to girls say stuff, well, I doubt I would have ever become enough of a chronic masturbator to have a porn producer mailing me boxes of free smut provided I could think of enough pop culture analogies for penises entering moist holes. Anyway, this is a 2-on-1 scene and one of the participants ends up getting a stray busload of knucklechildren on his wrist, which I was going to address with a Nelson Muntz laugh until I realized that given the mosh pit their balls were having on her gooch a couple minutes earlier, he probably doesn’t care all that much.

Joey Hart kicks off Scene 2 by blowing some dude in an ice cream truck—you know, it is so refreshing to see consensual fellatio taking place in this particular vehicle for a change. Joey is clearly the hottest chick of the movie, but she wins the Awful Innuendo Award for the following gem: “[After giving the guy a popsicle] Now let me see YOUR popsicle!” Wow, Captain Obvious, maybe it would have been more subtle if you’d hired Iceman to milk his prostate. Regardless, hats off to Miss Hart, who fucks this lucky man like he has reverse AIDS.

Scene 3 takes place in a museum and the guy gets shot afterwards for some reason—I would point out that the dead body in the porn film is clearly breathing, but that would be akin to alerting the referee that the Undertaker is holding a foreign object. Since I am currently at a loss for a clever way to write “he copulated with her vagina”, let me just say this: Mom, in case I forgot to close this window out, I can’t find Bark Wahlberg’s ear medicine anywhere and was wondering if you knew where it is. Love, Poopykins.

Haley Page has the role of “that chick who has like five scenes before you even get to see her naked,” which is precarious for a porn actress because by the time your fuck scene rolls around, the audience’s expectations are so high that those panties better slide off to reveal three twats stuffed with Soup Nazi recipes. I am not sure what her costar’s name is, but he has managed to make his way into about two-thirds of all the porn films I have ever seen—is it gay to get a boner when you see a guy’s cock if it is for strictly Pavlovian reasons?

The movie concludes with a masqueraded orgy ala Eyes Wide Shut, only with a more authentic emotional connection between the stars. The scene includes Eva Angelina and Jasmine Tame, two of my favorite jizzprincesses who unfortunately seem to have both had their breast enlargement surgeries performed by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Missy Monroe appears to have quite an extensive porn resume under her belt; when Jasmine was giving her the four-finger salute, I originally thought someone was giving CPR to a dead bat.

Well, as Porky Pig would say, that’s it for my review of throat-fucking and double penetration. I hope you liked it, since I can no longer so much as muster a chubby watching this shit because my brain is too busy mining itself for alliterative synonyms for “Ass-to-Mouth”.

Either I just witnessed the birth of a new fetish or the
guys in Ear Cum all just have really shitty aim. It must have been a tough week for these
girls after shooting this one—it’s bad enough having seawater stuck in there,
let alone a heroic dose of woodboogers.
Apparently Peter North’s scene was cut from the film after he gave his
costar a fatal case of hydrocephalus.

Scene 1 sees Kelly Kline and Taryn Thomas gobbling some
lucky man’s dork while he looks on with all the vivacity of Larry Sellers. This film doesn’t contain any vaginal or
anal, which I would be upset about if my hard drive didn’t contain enough smut
to make a zombie Jefferson come back and cross out the First Amendment. Usually when I’m reviewing this stuff I’m too
busy trying to think of a fresh euphemism for “ejaculate” to become aroused,
but I couldn’t help being turned on by the lovely Kelly leaning over Taryn with
jizz dangling off her earlobe…great–now I won’t be able to look at Ben Stiller
without getting a Pavlovian chubby.

As I watched Scene 2, I found myself truly in awe at the
speed with which Angela Stone gives throatjobs—it sounded like Chewbacca was
hosting an auction. After an extensive
viewing of one of these “X-treme” pornos, I always find myself needing to wind
down with a couple days of Facebook fapping.
To close this scene out, the guy alternates between facefucking the two girls
before he readies, aims and…misses?!
Dude, does this look like Hair Cum to you? Think of all the ear fetishists you’ve let down
with your errant money shot.
Congratulations; you are the John Hinckley of porn.

Scene 3 gives us a rare sight in Michelle B: an adult film
star with a British accent. You know, when
are we going to wake up and realize we’re outsourcing all the porn jobs that
should be going to American trauma survivors? By the way, how does an agent even approach
someone about a role in Ear Cum?
“So, I’ll just be doing the standard double anal and having eight guys
cum on my face, right?” “Uh, well, actually…” Anyway, as I watched her ear get filled up
with cum like a pool in the spring while confused sperm tried to wriggle their
way into her anvil and stirrup, I couldn’t help but picture a young Trina Michaels
being assured by her high school Government teacher, “One day you’re gonna have
to know this stuff!”

In a rare feat for women in porn, Roxy Jezel and Daryn Darby engage in such a hot pre-scene dykeout to kick off Scene 4 that they are actually able to give me a boner without being done bodily harm. I was happily admiring Daryn’s big plump ass
until the disconcerting thought occurred to me that someone else out there was
doing the same thing with her ears…“Ooh, yeah, show me those pinnas, baby…*splurt*” But hey, who am I to judge people’s fetishes
when mine has poop come out of it?

Well, now that I’ve crossed “review a movie about cumming in
people’s ears” off my list of things to do before I die, I can’t help but
wonder what the next step is in the evolution of money shots. Maybe someday I’ll be reviewing 2001: A
Space Wad-yssey, where the guys fire their loads off in zero gravity as the
girls float around munching down every drop like Homer eating potato chips. At any rate, I will be anxiously waiting to
see how the industry manages to find an even more degrading place for its semen
to land… “Ooh, baby, cum on these NOW pamphlets!”

“This villain must not be a very smart one,”
I thought as I prepared to view The Texas Vibrator Massacre, “vibrators
are a notoriously ineffective implement of massacre. Unless I’m reading
it wrong and the vibrators are the ones being massacred, screaming helplessly like phallic neon Mr Bills before being mushed into a pulp. No, that can’t be it,” I thought, “only the Christian Right would jerk off to that, and everyone knows their porn loyalty lies with the White Wife Black Cock series.”

The movie begins with a brief argument among a vanful of lost
teenagers followed by a 13-minute sex scene. Wow, it must be hard work
writing these real film-takeoff pornos…“Alright, so in the next scene
of Schindler’s List (Of People I Want to Fuck),
our two stars are under the floorboard hiding from the Nazis and then,
hmm…[removes glasses and taps pen to mouth thoughtfully]…they do anal!
OK, in the next scene, Peter North is keeping watch over the labor yard
from the terrace and firing cumshots at the slow workers…” Anyway, the
guy in this scene is hung like a horse, provided the horse has a
two-and-a-half-inch cock. While performing fellatio on him, Bella Lynn
simultaneously performs the embarrassing thumb-and-forefinger jerk—it’s
safe to say you won’t be doing any Levitra commercials when the girls
have to hold your dick like a teacup.

After our two fornicators are the first to be killed (see, black
people? It’s not always you), Ruby Knox and her boyfriend knock
frantically on the door of Jamie Elle, who responds to their
predicament with the eloquence of a Special Olympic cheerleader. Ruby
seems to take it pretty well when her man is led out of the room by a
giggling dink in pigtails, and when an excessively tattooed weirdo
walks into the room and begins creepily licking her arms and shoulders,
she quickly falls under his spell—and here I’ve been busting my ass
trying to think of clever pick-up lines! Meanwhile, after Jamie gulps
down his sinkchildren, her new acquaintance goes in for a kiss, to
which she responds “No! These lips are for my brother only!” and cuts
off his arm with an axe and starts eating it. God, if I had a nickel…

Just as I was about to march back into the adult film store and
chew the clerk out about the movie’s lack of an actual vibrator
massacre, we get our first one at 52 minutes in. Our villain—we’ll
stick with the name Leatherface since that probably pretty closely
describes his performance in acting school—enlists the use of a
motorized superdildo that looks like a joint inventive effort from
MacGyver and Max Hardcore to dispatch Ruby before taking turns licking
the cuntblood off the weapon with Daisy Tanks (Eew! He licked it right
where she licked it!)

In the next scene, Jamie gets pooned by her partner in front of
their unwilling captive, kind of like Lynndie England only without the
cock. In what’s a rare sight in porn these days, Jamie takes the money
shot right where God intended it. I hope she remembered her birth
control–you’re probably in for a rough time in high school when your
friends can boast that they’ve jerked off to you being conceived.

Roxy Deville seems surprisingly willing to get choded by
Leather-“Can No Longer Look My Parents in the”-Face, considering he is
a deranged killer holding her hostage–if you thought make-up sex was
hot, you’ve obviously never witnessed “You just murdered and ate my
friends in a shitty film parody” sex! As he is spewing pud-gunk, Roxy
plunges a nearby knife into his leg and runs to safety (which I’d have
probably done before
servicing his dork in several different positions, but hey). After
waking up in a hospital bed and being questioned by a “police
investigator” for several minutes, she is promptly hacked to pieces as
the director treats us to various shots of the sexy corpse—great, now
I’m aware of the fact that I’m a necrophiliac.

Overall, I give this film a satisfactory 3 out of 5 Hand Callouses.
The humor value is at just the right level where an unexpected laughing
fit won’t force you to reset your masturbation session, but I felt they
could have stayed a little truer to the originals, like maybe have the
villain chase after the girl with her dead boyfriend’s cock draped over
his own cock. “Quick, run while he’s trying to force it on there! Thank
God your boyfriend was Asian!”

Amy Reid (not pictured: asscum)

True to its name, Cum in My Ass, Not in My Mouth 5 (because
the latter would just be uncouth), features four-plus hours of some
good old-fashioned Polish procreation. Not to get all nostalgic, but
remember the old days when porn titles used to be clever take-offs on
the names of real films? Now it’s all like, Prolapse My Rectum Until My Bowel Movements are No Longer Voluntary, Volume 7!” I mean, where’s the subtlety?

Scene 1 opens with our two male protagonists getting pulled over
for drunk driving by Amy Ried, aka “Officer Naughty” (The moral of the
story here is that the more wasted you get before driving, the higher
the chance you’ll be able to sodomize a besiliconed female in a “Slutty
Cop” Halloween costume). When the driver is unable to produce his
registration, Amy asks if he would like to engage in sexual intercourse
in lieu of an arrest. Shocked and appalled at this lewd proposal, he
promptly shouts an empathic “No!”, at which point the end credits roll.
It was at this point that I decided to stop buying my porn at Walmart.
Upon downloading an illegal torrent of the film, I found that this
scene is a spirited effort by Amy Ried, whose work I’m surprised I’ve
never seen before—when your pussy looks like the Eye of Sauron, it’s
safe to say your porn resume necessitates the use of a paper clip.

Scene 2 begins with Mark Ashley sitting at the computer and talking
to his friend on the phone when Aline somehow teleports into the room
and inexplicably begins horking his mule—I guess the WGA was still on
strike when it was filmed. After getting double-teamed so hard you’d
think the ref had been knocked out with a folding chair, Aline takes
two loads in the ol’ David Hager and proceeds to take a DNA-dump off
the side of the bed…Now, I pride myself on being pretty depraved, but I
can’t imagine actively seeking out pornos that feature this specific
activity—it’s like tugging your pud to Krang puking.

Cody Lane is actually hot enough to lead a successful,
non-degrading existence while still not being intelligent or skilled at
anything, which leaves only one reason why she chose a career in porn
(it rhymes with “laped in a rice cream truck”). I don’t want to give
away the surprise twist at the end of this scene, but I think I heard
the enema crew shouting picket slogans in the parking lot. The good
news is that once Cody is ready to retire from porn, she can always
rack up a few extra bucks as the spokeswoman for Depends.

They say you learn something new every day; the final scene taught
me that cum being farted out sounds like somebody opening the plastic
wrap on a CD. After watching a scene conclude in this manner for a few
straight times now, I have a strange urge to whack it to scrambled
pay-per-view porn; I think it’s like when you drive so far that your
odometer rolls back around to zero.

Well folks, America has spoken, and it turns out the vagina just
isn’t all that interesting anymore. The popularity it once had appears
to have been usurped by its Cool Roommate, the butthole: it’s tighter,
it’s warmer, and it makes feminist groups even more upset–what’s not
to love? Note: While writing this, I had to Google the movie title to
make sure I had all the stars’ names straight—do you know there are
people out there who actually take reviewing porn seriously? Like, who
is actually reading this shit and going “Woah woah woah, you mean they
go from Reverse Cowgirl straight into Ass-to-Mouth? Fucking amateurs! I
may as well be beating off to my imagination!” Anyway, I guess what I’m
trying to say with all this is worship Jesus.

Teen Fuck Holes 7

Scene 1: Veronique Vega’s genetic makeup couldn’t be more fortunate
for us chronic masturbators—she’s got all the curves and youthful good
looks of a Victoria’s Secret Model with a shnozz just big enough to
garner the grade-school ridicule to send her into a career in porn. Her
rookie’s enthusiasm originally led me to believe that this was her
adult film debut, so you can imagine my surprise upon viewing the
topographical map of the Alps she had hidden under her panties. I’m not
sure if this is true for all girls from whatever country Veronique
hails from, but the area surrounding her butthole looks like some kind
of mesmerizing grey whale cornea. That may be the most romantic
sentence I’ve ever constructed about anyone.

Barbie Cummings sports that “blue-eyed, blonde Southern
cheerleader” look, the only difference being the paleness of the two
simultaneous cocks in her vagina. At one point, one of her costars
fucks her doggie-style with one foot pinning the back of her head to
the couch–perhaps a bit more prudent when fucking a rabid wolverine
than a middle-school dropout with fake tits. At the end of the scene,
when Barbie turns to the camera with a mouthful of future Einsteins and
asks, “Are you gonna go jack off to that?”, it really made me
appreciate the fact that were it just a second earlier in geologic
time, I’d still be beating off to cave-paintings of stickwomen with
goat-heads.

The fact that Leah Luv has braces made it that much harder for me
to acquire this film, as Woody Allen had already bought every remaining
copy. Leah is the only star to be anally invaded in this feature; I
guess it was part of the “every other girl in this movie is hotter than
you” clause in her contract. The scene begins with a stand-up doggie
followed by Slinkie-style, which is a term I just coined to describe
sex on a stairway. Also included is a brief fucking of Leah’s asscrack
itself, which would be the popular pastime following abstinence
education classes were it not for the existence of the anus. The scene
wraps up with Leah slurping her partner’s eel-vomit off a glass table
zamboni-style—and they say nobody’s excited about the start of hockey
season!

Divine’s star performance in Scene 4 made me lament the fact that
there aren’t more young black girls like her in porn; it’s a shame they
all have their hands full raising their kids. Divine, who has the honor
of being voted by the Republican National Committee as the nation’s
finest 3/5 of a piece of ass, does a fine job of masking her shock
while a sexual partner actually performs cunnilingus on her. This
cinematic tribute to the career of Strom Thurmond concludes with a
creampie…or should I say COOKIES n’ cream pie? (Jesus—I could be a
monologue writer for Bill Maher with zingers like that) .

I cannot say enough good things about the work of Paulina James—she
may very well be solely responsible for the “smoker’s teeth” hue of the
wifebeater under my bed. My favorite position for Paulina would have to
be reverse cowgirl, as it gives her a chance to display her mighty
clitoris; make no mistake–when it comes to clitoral matters, I won’t
accept anything less than the “Facehugger from Alien”
look. The traditional money-shot on the stomach at this scene’s finish
is a throwback to the classic 1970s style of porn, minus the
Snuffleupagus-sized yodelpatch on the girl’s privates, of course.

Well, as always, I hope you enjoyed witnessing my ongoing journey
through the double-digit circles of Hell. Now if you’ll excuse me,
these first grade spelling tests don’t grade themselves!