Where’s My Froggy?

You probably find it hard to believe but I write all my Ruthless articles surrounded by aromatic candles immersed in a freestanding claw foot bath. Well, I say write but what I actually mean is dictate. Indeed, all of my honey-coated missives are transcribed by a slightly drunken Catholic schoolgirl called Samantha. Her proofreading skills […]

Foreigners, Eh? Guess They’re All Right

I’m not a sophisticated guy. I came to understand this about twenty years ago when I took a hot Italian-Australian chick on a first date to one of those huge multiplex cinemas. She seemed to find my jokes funny, was a good six or seven years younger, had a tiny waist and always wore cool, […]

Absolute Corruption: Citizen Kane, Scarface, Beauty and the Beast

Never before or since has any director made such an impressive feature film debut as Orson Welles with Citizen Kane, made when he was only 25 years old. Despite having no prior experience in filmmaking, Welles was given carte blanche on the production, and he delivered the most original, innovative, and provocative movie of its […]

My Life Of Crime

I once nicked a computer from work. It had been lying around unused in the district office for ages so I thought no one would notice. And for a couple of months they didn’t. Then someone wanted it, it wasn’t there, and the none-too-pleased boss told me to file a report with the cops, most […]

Stop this Sketch. It’s Silly

Named after their famous catchphrase, the Pythons’ first movie is actually a rehash of sketches from their 1969-70 TV shows. Despite that, And Now for Something Completely Different is brilliant from start to finish, a staggeringly well-chosen compilation that includes The Lumberjack Song, The Dead Parrot, and Upper Class Twit of the Year. It’s also […]

Fat Fuckers

Chubsters, lard asses and human hippos appear to be the latest group of people we’re s’posed to tippy toe on eggshells around, if not show automatic respect for. Fantastic, and I’ll certainly bear that in mind the next time I’m wedged next to one in Coach Class or I see some slobbering blubber guts outside […]

Brain Eating, Gang Rape and Other Funny Stuff

“I’d walk a mile for a chuckle.” Great line, huh? It comes from 1957’s excellent Sweet Smell of Success. It’s a simple statement that perfectly captures a sense of ennui. In seven short words you get a feel for how the character’s been numbed by the daily grind, how he’s surrounded by unremarkable people and […]

All Hail, King of the Runts!

Great art is one thing, but consistently pumping out the stuff quite another. I mean, how many artists do you love (whether it’s film directors, musicians or, er, sculptors) only to admit a fair chunk of their work is actually pants? Take a fucked-up little bald girl like Sinead O’Connor. Her first two albums are […]

Hey, PE Teacher! Leave Them Kids Alone!

I’ve never quite gotten over my first PE lesson aged eleven at a big school. After surviving a bruising game of rugger in which I was sometimes mistaken for the ball, I tried my best to change back into my uniform and sneak home as the prospect of a group shower at that somewhat self-conscious […]

We Can’t Interfere With People’s Beliefs*

I used to be an ESL teacher and I’ll never forget having a chat with my students about ill health and medicine. A Nepalese woman told the class she once caught a life-threatening fever and was immeasurably grateful to her husband for beating her up. It was one of those blink-a-few-times sort of moment as […]