Sharknado: A Survivor’s Tale

Youse guys seen these fuckin Sharknado movies?  [Editor’s Note: Yes, and I reviewed two of them. Pay attention] It’s kinda important that you have…  Well, take it from me, a guy who’s survived two sharknadoes…[Editor’s Note: I’ve watched 3, plus Piranha Sharks, so there!] I don’t know if that’s spelled with an “e” or not. […]

Confessions Of A Condiment King -or- Why Goat Revoked Ezra’s Key To The Break Room At Ruthless Towers

Greetings, citizens of Gotham! It is I, Buddy Standler, the Condiment King! You mayo may not have heard my fearsome moniker before…. Oh, come now, you mustard of me at least once or twice. Well, please endeavor to ketchup and follow along, for mine is a tale to relish!  I may not be one of […]


My all-time favorite bitch remains She’s Ayesha, a spectacularly malevolent girly who is happy to murder lovers, execute slaves en masse and ponce around in public wearing an over-feathered ceremonial outfit that makes her look like a mad chicken queen. Fucking ace, and I once had a girlfriend just like her. Still, much as I […]

Hurt, He’s Gone

“Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!” a fellow diner yells as a choking, panic-stricken John Hurt collapses onto the table in the 1987 sci-fi spoof, Spaceballs. Moments later an alien bursts through his midriff. “Oh, no…” Hurt cries while looking down his body at its malevolent, twitching head. “Not again!” His cameo is about the best […]

Pliers, Pussies & the Enduring Class of John Vernon

In the flat blaxploitation parody I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, baddie John Vernon prickles at the insinuation that playing an exploitation villain is beneath him. “Lots of famous people have done exploitation movies,” he tells the hero before listing the likes of Shelley Winters and Angie Dickinson. OK, mate, fair point, but I doubt you […]

Starring debuts #7: Richard E. Grant in Withnail and I (1987)

Big-budget action maestro Michael Bay could probably learn a thing or two from Withnail. Namely, that if you get the characterization and dialogue right, you don’t need any explosions or mayhem to make a great movie. After all, what does the titular character accomplish during the 107 minutes of this cult classic? He tries to […]

Where’s My Froggy?

You probably find it hard to believe but I write all my Ruthless articles surrounded by aromatic candles immersed in a freestanding claw foot bath. Well, I say write but what I actually mean is dictate. Indeed, all of my honey-coated missives are transcribed by a slightly drunken Catholic schoolgirl called Samantha. Her proofreading skills […]

Foreigners, Eh? Guess They’re All Right

I’m not a sophisticated guy. I came to understand this about twenty years ago when I took a hot Italian-Australian chick on a first date to one of those huge multiplex cinemas. She seemed to find my jokes funny, was a good six or seven years younger, had a tiny waist and always wore cool, […]

Absolute Corruption: Citizen Kane, Scarface, Beauty and the Beast

Never before or since has any director made such an impressive feature film debut as Orson Welles with Citizen Kane, made when he was only 25 years old. Despite having no prior experience in filmmaking, Welles was given carte blanche on the production, and he delivered the most original, innovative, and provocative movie of its […]

My Life Of Crime

I once nicked a computer from work. It had been lying around unused in the district office for ages so I thought no one would notice. And for a couple of months they didn’t. Then someone wanted it, it wasn’t there, and the none-too-pleased boss told me to file a report with the cops, most […]