Tony: I backed Cincy last week and they did not disappoint. And they’ve already shown they can beat Ben and his Giant Face. I would argue, however, that Baltimore is a big piece of poop and Cincy’s win last week is not significant. The Bangles will not beat the Steelers this week. Pittsburgh is hitting on all cylinders and has huge momentum coming off their win in Denver. Their running game is on, the passing game is on, Palmolive is back. Pittsburgh.

Dick: Chad Ochocinco likes to send gifts to opponents, gets fines 20 grand for doing practical jokes, and scores lots of touchdowns. Since he seems to understand that football is entertainment while folks in Pittsburgh treat it like life and death, I’m taking Cincy. Doesn’t make sense, does it? But considering my abysmal record it’s either this sort of logic or throwing darts.

Sax: I have officially entered Costanza mode. Since my decision-making abilities have led to nothing but humiliation week after week, I am going to carefully consider each matchup and use reason and logic to decide who I think will cover, then I will pick the other team. Pittsburgh is at home, Polomalu is back, they are looking to avenge a division loss, they are a different team since the ascension of Medndenhall, and they only lost to Cincy by 3 on the road last time… so I’m taking Cincy. Wait, no, fuck that, I’m taking Pittsburgh. I don’t have the balls to see the Costanza plan through. I am a coward.

Philadelphia @ San Diego -2

Tony: This is kind of a head scratcher. Philly lost to Dallas last week, but is Dallas actually getting good? The Chargers beat the Giants last week, but the Giants appear to be in the middle of a catastrophic collapse. So, by that logic, the Eagles should beat the Chargers, right? The Chargers have won three in a row, but those wins were against Oakland, Kansas City, and the Giants. Before losing to Dallas last week, Philly won two in a row against the Giants and the Redskins, but that was after losing to fucking Oakland. God this game is a piece of shit. I guess I’m picking Philly because fuck Philip Rivers.

Dick: Somehow Andy Reid can’t keep the Eagles on target even though he has Don McNabb playing some of the best football of his career. You lost to Oakland and now you’re rolling in to play the Chargers who are hot and have Jesus in the backfield. I’m taking San Diego because Philly is schizophrenic.

Sax: The Chargers are staging one of their patented late-season rallies, and Andy Reid is Andy Reid. I can’t wait to see the Bolts overtake Tony’s Broncos. They’re at home and there is basically no spread, I love the Bolts this week. So I’m taking Philly. Co-STAN-za.

Dallas @ Green Bay +3

Tony: Rather than try to overthink this one, I am going to yield to the apparent momentum of each team. Dallas won a big one on the road against Philly last week and Green Bay bent over and gave what is arguably the worst team in the league their first win in a big way. Dallas.

Dick: Tony Romo is Mr. November and the Packers are going to lose because they can’t protect Aaron Rogers or stop the pass. Unless the game is played in a blizzard and Romo breaks his legs, the Cowboys win easily.

Sax: Green Bay is just fucking terrible. Their line is a mess, things are falling apart. Dallas seems to be getting their shit together behind Miles Austin. I’m taking Green Bay.

New England @ Indianapolis -3

Tony: Sure the Colts are great this year, but the Peter Griffins’ only two losses so far were against the Jets and the Broncos and both of those are starting to look a little flukey as the season progresses. I think this one comes down to two things: 1. Fuck Tom Brady. 2. Home field advantage. Indy.

Dick: Indy still has Rod Flanders, but it seems like half of their defense is on injured reserve. And since Indy will not go unbeaten and even though the Patriots still haven’t figured out who is their nominal starting running back, I see Brady and his movie star looks winning out over Peyton’s fake audibles because this seems like the perfect week for Indy to lose.

Sax: Everyone in New England is acting like the ship is righted after victories over Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and the Dolphins, who are admittedly probably better than their record indicates but still put up a pretty good fight IN Foxboro. Randy Moss is still one of the best in the game, but he has lost a step since he caught 35 touchdowns two years ago, and the Pats have gone from Donte Stallworth to Jabar Gaffney to no one as their third receiver. They are on the road, and even though it seems like it’s harder for the Colts to pump in fake crowd noise in this new stadium, Peyton Manning is gonna take a shit down Belichick’s throat. Which is why I’m taking the Pats. Co-STAN-za!

Standings

1. Tony (21-15) (2-2 last week)

2. Dick (15-21) (1-3 last week)

3. Sax (14-22) (1-3 last week)

Tony:
I don’t think Baltimore is as good as their victory over Denver last week and it seems like things are continuing to gel for Cincinnati. Cincinnati.

Dick:
Four of Cincinnati’s wins are flukes while two of Balimore’s losses (including one to Cincy) are flukes, so the law of averages has to come into play making Baltimore the winner, right? Because even though Cincinnati is putting together a pretty impressive run, the Ravens feel like they should be 6-1 or 7-0 and after demolishing Denver, they have to be looking at Cincy like that creepy Cuban guy from Bang Brothers looks at 18-year-old girls.

Sax: I spent the first half of the season picking against the Giants because I was convinced they were mediocre at best and I got my ass kicked. Then I finally gave in and started picking them and they dropped 3 in a row and I got my ass kicked. I’m not making the same mistake with Cincy. I am also sticking to my guns with my belief that Baltimore is really fucking good. I love Flacco, I love their defense. Make no mistake, Cincy will win this game, because I suck ass at this, but I’m taking Bodymore.

Miami @ New England -10.5

Tony:
I have never had any love for Miami and all of a sudden I kind of like them. Also, fuck Sax. Miami.

Dick:
Vegas is starting to figure things out because Miami in New England in November seems pretty brutal considering that the Pats seem to be hitting their stride and the Dolphins could not protect a 20-something point lead against New Orleans and a 10-plus spread seems justified. However, the Pats are terrible against the run and that is all the Dolphins do well. New Enlgland wins, but by no more than seven.

Sax:
I know this is a November road game in the northeast for Miami, but I’m sitting about half an hour from Foxboro right now and it’s 60 degrees and sunny. I can’t figure Miami out. They clearly could have won against Indy and the Saints, the 2 best teams in the league, but once is a fluke and twice is a pattern, so maybe they are just prone to shitting the bed. On the other hand, I don’t see why everyone’s doubts about the Pats should be erased by them shellacking 2 ridiculously terrible teams. I’d be inclined to just take the points, but I feel like this game is going one of two ways- either the Pats are for real and they win by more than 11, or they are still the same mess that nearly lost to Baltimore and lost to Denver and Miami beats them because their defense, unlike those of Tennessee and Tampa Bay, actually exists. I’m taking the Pats, so everyone reading this should bet their house on Miami.

Dallas @ Philadelphia -3

Tony:
I really don’t care one way or the other about Philly and we all know how I feel about Dallas. Philly.

Dick:
Roy Williams is a clown, runs shitty routes, and walks through plays he’s not involved in. Tony Romo is gutless and wilts under intense competition, especially when he has tough games on the road. Wade Phillips is retarded and should not be a head coach in the NFL. Philadelphia has the most underrated quarterback of the last 15 years, is coming off a thrashing of the Giants, and looking to put the NFC East in a stranglehold. Even though their coach is a fat Mormon who is failing with this Michael Vick experiment, the Eagles will win by a lot.

Sax: Westbrook is out, and I just can’t trust Philly after that loss to Oakland. As much as I don’t want to, I’m still picking them, because they are at home and Wade Phillips wears adult diapers. Why the fuck is Dallas in the NFC East? By the way, nice effort this week, Tony.

Pittsburgh @ Denver +3

Tony:
I wish this spread was much larger so I could at least pick Denver to cover. Really, though, there’s no way I can’t pick Denver, so I’ll save the keystrokes. Denver.

Dick:
Denver is a lot better than everyone expected because of their defense and the fact that Kyle Orton is playing in an offensive system that doesn’t ask him to chuck the ball 50 yards downfield to no one. But Baltimore exposed a few chinks in their armor last week, including Denver’s lack of imagination and a propensity to rely on the other team making mistakes. Pittsburgh is minus-three in turnovers (even with the flukes against Minnesota) and even though their blitz packages wreak havoc, they will be facing the dirtiest offensive line in football. I hate myself and want to die because I am taking Denver.

Sax:
Even though I dutifully ate some humble ass pie after the Donks beat the Patriots, I never really bought Denver as an elite team. I think they’ll still easily win their joke of a division and make the playoffs, but I think it’s clear that they aren’t quite on the level of the elite teams in the league. However, I’m not too sure the Steelers are one of those elite teams, and I worry about Ben Roethlisberger wheezing in the mile-high air because he’s the fattest quarterback ever and the Steelers all form a circle before every game and insert buttplugs into each other. This is why I hate doing this pick-off, because I would never bet money on this game in a million years, but since it’s a BIG-TIME MONDAY NIGHT SHOWDOWN, I’m forced to pretend I have any idea what the fuck is going to happen. Sigh… Steelers. Mostly because I hate Tony.

Standings
1. Tony (19-13) (1-3 last week)
2. Dick (14-18) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (13-19) (1-3 last week)

Tony: There has been some chatter this week about how Ray Lewis could have ended up a Bronco after free agency but talks never progressed and they signed Dawkins instead. It makes me sad to think about Lewis as a Donkey because I would have had to give up football entirely. Imagine the team meeting where Lewis is like, “Hey, thanks for the warm welcome. Yeah, I wanted to ask you guys, you may have seen how I do this thing before each game where I come out of the tunnel and get the crowd fired up by acting like if the Karate Kid had been a Polynesian tribal dancer. That’s still cool, right?” Ugh. Donkos.

Dick: Sooner or later the wheels have to come off the Donkey Express, right? I feel like I am watching Kevin Costner deliver the mail and I want someone to just shoot me in my sleep because waking up and seeing Josh McDaniels with an undefeated record defies logic and all that is right with the universe. Isn’t there some sort of mathematical equation or theorem or something that proves what we already know: That he is simply a lucky fuck and the equivalent of Forrest Gump as a shrimp boat captain in the real world. I want to die. Ravens, just to spite this fuck.

Sax: This is getting embarrassing. I am fucking 12-16. Honestly, I would feel like an idiot if I continued to offer “analysis” as though I wasn’t getting my ass kicked week after week. It would be like Matt Millen offering NFL analysis week after week on an NFL TV show… oh wait. In my defense, this isn’t a gambling column, we just use the spreads as a vehicle to talk about the four biggest games every week, because it would be boring if the 4 of us just loaded up on the Colts and Saints and whoever was playing the Raiders and Rams week after week. I’m tempted to just make fun of athlete’s names in lieu of trying to justify my picks in an effort to get black people to stop making up names out of whole cloth, but that is the coward’s way out. I will stick around for my weekly ritual humiliation, because I’m a professional. I’m taking Baltimore, because I remember a certain undefeated squad rolling in there 2 years ago and losing (okay, they didn’t lose, but they should have). The Ravens get pumped for these types of game at home, and they fucking NEED a win because of Cincinatti’s unexpected rise, whereas the Broncos are probably getting a little cocky and don’t need a fucking thing because their division is an abortion clinic dumpster.

NY Giants @ Philadelphia pk

Tony: Hey, did you guys know the NFC East is the toughest conference in football? I like how the Iggles still start McNabb every week. It’s like when you’re golfing and you’re playing like shit and you start to get really frustrated, contemplating the futility of spending all that time and money on an activity that is so profoundly infuriating, and you walk up to the ball for a second shot after some piddly 90-yard shank drive and without pausing to get set you take your 3-wood and swing as hard as you can and somehow the ball ends up 10 feet from the cup and at the end of the day that’s the only shot you remember even though you shot a 105 and you end up out there a couple weeks later doing it all over again because you’re an idiot. That’s the Eagles. Giants.

Dick: How can there not be a spread on this? Seriously, there has to be a one-point swing by Sunday, but since some cunt at Caesar’s is about to lose his job because the Rams can’t cover we get this sort of bullshit. Anyways, Todd Flanders is going through a rough patch and Don McNabb shook off the bad karma of trying to get his arms all the way around JaMarcus Russell’s waist in a pregame hug by beating, ahem, the Redskins. Give me the Giants. Why, why, why do I do this? This is the worst game to pick this week because both teams hate themselves and seem to want to lose. Okay, Giants, and I really mean it. Sax, kill me.

Sax: The Giants have to bounce back at some point, right? The first 6 weeks couldn’t have just been a mirage, could they? Christ. I’m taking the Giants like everyone else.

Minnesota @ Green Bay -3

Tony: I think Green Bay is in for a bitter, deflating afternoon. I know they want Favre to come in and melt under a mix of nostalgia and shame, but if this season has taught us anything, it’s that Bart Faver cares about no one but himself. I think he will handle Sunday’s unusual circumstances with no issues. Also he’s like a kid out there. Also, Green Bay’s O-line is shredded and Aaron Rodgers is going to spend the day giving Jared Allen mustache rides. Vikes.

Dick: The Vikings are really good and the Packers just had live scrimmages against the Browns and Lions and since the snow has not started falling in Wisconsin and Brett Favre is really, really pissed at Ted Thompson, the Vikings will win because Green Bay cannot stop him and Adrian Peterson at the same time because the Packers are just not three points better. I know this. I really, really do.

Sax: A normal person might be a little shaken by returning to what was his home stadium for 38 years to face thousands of bitter fans who might never forgive him for his defection to a division rival, but I think we’re all starting to realize that Brett Favre has more than a little Roger Clemens in him and doesn’t give a fuck. The bottom line is, Minnesota was the better team last week and should be undefeated right now. They will beat the shit out of the Packers.

Atlanta @ New Orleans -10

Tony: It would be foolish not to pick the Saints in this game. Falcons.

Dick: Ten points? Why not 20, Vegas? Have you seen Drew Brees and his “hair” lately? They’re at home! Have you seen their defense? I mean, Atlanta’s no slouch, but New Orleans puts up 34 points before they even get morning wood. I’ll take New Orleans along with a “new” house in the Lower Ninth Ward while I’m at it, bitches.

Sax: Has New Orleans failed to cover yet? I don’t think so. Gotta keep backing them (said the retard with the 12-16 record).

Standings
1. Tony (18-10) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (13-15) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (12-16) (0-4 last week)

Dick: Look, I know that Toothlesburger is 9-1 versus the NFC at home, but the Vikings are unbeaten because Brett Favre is quarterbacking maybe the best team in football. Pittsburgh may win this one because they have their insane Samoan safety back, but they won’t cover because they are capable of losing to Cincinnati meaning that Minnesota should turn Toothlesburger into Hamburger.

Tony: I said last week that I would not pick New Orleans against a top team until they made me, and New Orleans made their point rather convincingly. I am in the same spot this week with Minnesota. Sure they’re 6-0, but 4 of those games were Detroit, Cleveland, San Fran, and St. Louis, and the other two, Green Bay and Baltimore, weren’t exactly blockbuster matchups. Minnesota obviously has some powerful tools (Brett Favre is a major tool, for instance) but they are a couple of very lucky plays away from being 4-2. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, is good at football. Roethlisberger is hot and Minnesota’s secondary is not. Steelers.

Sax: I have to admit, I was getting swept up in the Minnesota hype a little, and I thought they were an obvious pick here until, like Tony, I looked back over their schedule. It does put their record in perspective, I guess, but I can’t get over what a fucking powerhouse their offense has been. I can see Pittsburgh winning, but I’m not sure I can see them doing it by 2 field goals. I’d love to see Favre throw 3 picks and fuck over Minnesota’s fans, but I still think it’s too early in the season. I’m taking the points. Also, Toothlessburger into Hamburger? Kill yourself, Dicky.

Chicago @ Cincinnati -1.5

Dick: I don’t know, maybe Cincinnati is for real, but it’s hard to take a team seriously when they wear uniforms better suited for a LARP convention or a manga orgy. Regardless, since Chicago is clearly not the same without Brian Urlacher and their wide receivers are still learning that their hands are used for catching the ball, I figure Cedric Benson will run for 125 yards out of spite while Carson Palmer treats the Bears like the Cubs.

Tony: Last week, it would have been easy to pick Cincinnati in this game, but their performance against the Houston Yeehaws raises some questions, most notably on defense. That said, Cutler tends to do worse when there are people in the stands who want the team he is not on to win the game and there should be a few of those people at this game what with it being in Ohio and everything. Bengals.

Sax: I still firmly believe Cincinnati is a bad team, I would have picked against them even if Odom wasn’t hurt. I know people are talking about Cedric Benson looking for vengeance or whatever, but I just don’t see it. Marvin Lewis is incompetent.

Atlanta @ Dallas -4

Dick: Why is Dallas still giving points? It’s already been established that Tony Romo is a pussy and Roy Williams (the good one on defense) is hurt while Atlanta is healthy, rolling, and on their game. So why in the name of all that is holy in the world of gambling are the lords of point spreads making them favorites? I’d like to think it’s because they want us all to be rich.

Tony: I like how Dallas is favored in this game even though it took overtime for them to beat the winless Chiefs. I hope John Abraham puts a … sticks his … does terrible things to Romo all afternoon. Falcons.

Sax: I do not understand this line at all. I keep double-checking to make sure I didn’t misread it. Dallas really is favored, even though they do absolutely nothing well.

Arizona @ Giants -7

Dick: Yes, the Saints rolled Todd Flanders last week, but this is Arizona. In New York. In really shitty weather. Eli against Arizona’s defense. This will end well.

Tony: I want this game to be a passing shootout because I have Larry Fitzgerald and Mario Manningham on my fantasy team. Other than that I don’t really give a fuck. The Giants will probably be looking for redemption after last week’s gang bang and I can’t see Arizona going to New York and losing by less than a touchdown. Giants.

Sax: I could see Arizona sneaking up on the Giants if New York hadn’t gotten the shit kicked out of them by the Saints last week. The Giants will take care of business at home. I know some people think that last week’s Saints debacle proves you can throw on the Giants, but it only proves it if “you” are Drew Brees, and Arizona’s passing attack is not what it once was because Kurt Warner is roughly 89 years old.

Standings

1. Tony (16-8) (2-2 last week)

2. Dick (12-12) (2-2 last week)

3. Sax (12-12) (3-1 last week)

Tony: Fuck Ray Lewis. Fuck Brett Favre. I’m still not convinced by Baltimore’s offense, and Minnesota’s D is solid. Gosh I wish someone would end Ray Lewis’s career. Minnesota.

Dick: Up to now the Vikings have had it pretty easy save for the games against the Niners and Packers, but things start to interesting this week as they take on the pissed off Ravens and could be missing both Percy Harvin and Phil Loadhoate. This is a trap game if I ever saw one, but the Vikings have a shitload of momentum and Favre looks like he’s 38 again, on Viagra, and comfortable in his shitty Wranglers and just playing a little and catch to spite Mike Thompson.

Sax: I think we might have been a little too eager to crown Baltimore’s asses. They’re getting 3 on the road, which means Vegas considers the teams equal, which is uh… wrong. Minnesota wins. God damnit.

NY Giants @ New Orleans -3

Tony: THIS ONE IS GUARANTEED TO BE A SHOOTOUT! THIS COULD BE A PREVIEW OF THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP!! Or not. Whatever. I don’t really like Todd Flanders, but, in big games like this, I’m not going to pick the Taints until they make me pick them. MAKE ME!! New York.

Dick: Bad foot or not, Eli Manning is leading maybe the best team in football. The Saints have found a defense and a balanced running attack allowing Drew Brees to take the last few weeks off, but the Giants defense is not going to be giving up big plays or allow any Brees’ mediocre receivers to just go running around like they are playing smear the queer. That the Saints are favored is a nod to the Superdome, but the Giants will win by 10.

Sax: I have faith in Drew Brees and his hair.

Chicago @ Atlanta -3

Tony: Now that Kyle Orton (KYLE ORTON!) has the Donkeys at 5-0, I feel more secure hating Cutler and his prolific bottom lip. Following McDanielsgate, I was sure I would spend the entire season all butthurt while Chicago went 12-4 and the Horsies wallowed somewhere around 6-10. I suppose both are still possible. Whatever. I get the feeling Atlanta’s road-shellacking of San Fran is the only reason this spread is more than 1 point, so I don’t really trust it. Atlanta is pretty solid at home, and, honestly, I can’t not pick them, so I’ll just stop writing already. Atlanta.

Dick: Games like this make me want to slash my wrists. Chicago’s starting to come into their own but Atlanta just busted my nuts last week when they creamed San Francisco and since ESPN’s Madden simulation picked them, I gotta take the Falcons. I am seriously fucked.

Sax: I still maintain that Chicago blows. Good job with Cedric Benson, Lovie.

Denver @ San Diego -4

Tony: Yes, the hype surrounding Denver is overblown and the Donkeys need to keep their feet on the ground lest they get caught with their pants down in Sand Diego. San Diego is last in the league in rushing offense (53.8 YPG). I was hoping to find several other damning stats, but that’s all I got. So, San Diego’s run game sucks, and I think Denver’s secondary will contain Philip Rivers. Also, fuck Philip Rivers. Denver.

Dick: How the Chargers are favored I’ll never know especially since AJ Smith is doing more stupid things like calling his injury-riddled team a bunch of pussies and Norv Turner is still in charge. I think the Donkeys’ season is a complete fluke, but the Chargers are seriously fucked and have received absolutely zero moral support from the front office, so it’s pretty easy to see Denver covering this one with ease.

Sax: I still desperately want to pick against the Broncos, but the Chargers have no running game and the Donks have Champ Bailey, and Kyle Orton has looked… gulp… impressive. I hate my life. Denver.

Standings

1. Tony (14-6) (4-0 last week)

2. Dick (10-10) (2-2 last week)

3. Sax (9-11) (2-2 last week)

Tony: There was a time when I would have looked at this spread and thought, “Wait, San Fran is favored by less than a field goal? You know what’s fucked up? Georgia has a significant Atlantic coastline, yet the Falcons are in the NFC West. Who the fuck is Jerry Glanville, and what would Dr. King think about this whole Back in Black thing?” And the super extra weird thing is, for the first time in a few years, the 49ers can actually win some games. I’m freaking out, man. Falcons.

Sax: The Falcons are soft as fuck and the Niners are badasses, the Niners are at home and it’s not like they’re giving a ton of points, so I don’t know why I’m not taking them, but I just think Atlanta has too much talent on offense and they’ve had a bye week to figure things out. I’m taking the Falcons. Because I’m an idiot. I can’t believe I have to do this for the next 12 weeks.

Dick: If not for Brett Favre being all Brett Favre and shit, the Niners would be unbeaten which is remarkable considering that they are essentially a rugby team that is unfamiliar with the forward pass and have a head coach who flashes his cock in the locker room. That being said, while Atlanta has a better quarterback in Matt Ryan and a better running back in a healthy Michael Turner, the Niners are at home and their defense breaks bones. I’m taking the Niners in a walk.

New England @ Denver +3

Tony: Last year I felt bad for Tom Brady. To get cut down via freak accident for the season in the first quarter of the first game of the year is a total bummer. One year later, I wish someone would aim for Brady’s knee with a hammer. I like how Sax will try to argue that there are not now separate roughing the passer and roughing the Brady penalties. Actually, he’ll probably just issue some sick burn like I gargle cum because he is so fucking funny. Denver.

Sax: The following is a picture of Kyle Orton.

Dick: This is where the Donkeys’ freight train of blind luck, bullshit, and weak opponents comes to an end. Yes, the Patriots were a Mark Clayton catch away from losing last week, but Baltimore is about 100 times better than Denver on both sides of the ball. Denver’s defense is no joke, but Tom Brady is sort of robotic when it comes to dicing up these quick turnaround teams that are thin on offensive talent. Trust me, Kyle Orton is not this good. Pats in a laugher.

Indianapolis @ Tennessee +3.5

Tony: Given these two teams’ respective performances thus far, I would have imagined this spread would have been larger. I guess the Colts are due for a miscue after several dominating performances. And I guess Tenessee is due to have a breakout eventually. I just don’t think either of those things are going to happen this week. Colts.

Sax: Tennessee is fucking done. I think Kerry Collins is drinking again. If the Colts do not win and cover, I quit life.

Dick: In the shower today I heard some jackoff from ESPN pick the Titans as his big sleeper of the week even though Peyton Manning is almost a lock for 12 wins on general principle. This is sort of a trap game because Indy has been dominant and Tennessee can’t be this bad, right? Yes they can be this bad, and they are, because they no longer have Albert Heynsworth clogging up the middle and getting 14 sacks as a defensive tackle. If Manning is able to survey the field without that behemoth in his face it doesn’t matter who he’s throwing to. When the Colts are up 20 you can count on Fisher pulling Kerry Collins so he can see what he’s got in Vince Young one … more … time. Colts by two touchdowns.

NY Jets @ Miami +1.5

Tony: Miami’s defense is not New Orleans’ defense, but Miami has the game film from last week’s Jets game and I imagine they will be saying things to each other like, “Hey. I think we should sack the Jets’ quarterback as many times as possible. After all, this is his first year in the league. He doesn’t have very much experience playing professional football, therefore the odds of him making mistakes are higher than those of other quarterbacks who have more experience.” The thing is, and this is where it gets interesting, the Jets defense is going to be saying THE EXACT SAME THINGS ABOUT MIAMI’S QUATERBACK. I can’t take this. Miami.

Sax: On the one hand, I don’t think the Jets can keep winning without the ability to score. On the other hand, Miami can’t score either, and they’ve been losing. On the other hand, fuck Rex Ryan. Jets, I guess? Fuck me, it’s a good thing we’re not using real money on these things.

Dick: Everyone seems to love the Dolphins because they have Ricky Williams. It’s awesome to have a laid back counter-culture weed-smoker at running back, but Chad Henne is now their quarterback and the Jets feast on mistakes so they Dolphins will lose. It’s not so much that I am totally sold on Mark Sanchez or Rex Ryan’s drunken rants just yet, but with the addition of Bart Scott there is definitely a certain nastiness and confidence that the Jets’ defense exudes and while their offense is still on maybe square two or three of their development, it’s better than the 1926 offense the Dolphins run.

Standings

1. Tony (10-6) (3-1 last week)

2. Dick (8-8) (2-2 last week)

3. Sax (7-9) (1-3 last week)

Minnesota Twins vs. New York Yankees

The assumption is that the Yankees will blow the Twinkies out in three games. Trust me, they should. Minnesota’s staff “ace” is Carl Pavano who was last seen being pelted with rotten fruit on his way off the mound for the Yankees after he cashed almost $40 million in checks while on the disabled list. Minnesota has an anemic lineup, a cut-rate pitching staff, and fields a group of slap hitters who all look like second basemen from the 70’s. The Yankees on the other hand boast a $238 million (or whatever the fuck it is now) payroll that features C.C. Sabathia. A.J. Burnett, Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Mo Rivera, Robinson Cano, Hideki Matsui, Mark Texiera, and Alex Rodriguez and quietly won 100 games because George Steinbrenner is now catatonic and being fed baby food.

Now, name five Twins who aren’t named Joe Mauer, Joe Nathan, Carl Pavano, and Justin Morneau (who happens to be out for the year with a bad back). They have a couple things going for them that are always pointed out, but are incredibly important. First, they don’t give a shit who they’re playing. A week ago they were behind Detroit, and after a 1964 Philadelphia-style choke job and one of the best one-game playoffs ever, they are on their way to New York. For them this is like an early Christmas present. Second, they have the Metrodome and the Yankees have, uh, a stadium that looks like a really clean toilet bowl. The Metrodome is one of the all-time greatest home field advantages in the history of sports, so the Twins have one last chance to use it.

But it doesn’t matter because unless Sabathia, Burnett, and Andy Pettitte have epic meltdowns or Phil Hughes starts choking in the eighth inning, the Yanks are looking primed for a deep run. How far they go depends on if they draw Los Angeles or Boston in the ALCS, but they take this series in no less than four.

Boston Red Sox vs. Los Angeles Angels

While the Angels have the Yankees’ number, the Red Sox have theirs. Maybe it’s the last few ghosts of 1986 floating around or the specter of Donnie Moore rattling his chains and moaning in the bullpen, but for some reason, even when they get a big lead, the Angels cannot seem to get past these guys. My heart wants to believe that this is the year that they finally drive a stake through the heart of Beantown and slay this rotten dragon, but until they do, I gotta stick with the fact that they wilt against Boston.

So, with the hex-related bullshit out of the way, they keys to the series are whether the Angels can get into Boston’s bullpen before the seventh inning, Boston can shut down LA’s running game, and if the Angels’ closer Brian Fuentes can get over his late season case of the yips. Basically, the entire series is going to come down to a total of about five at-bats in what should be a series of close games, and if it swings to the closers, which it will, the Red Sox have the advantage. This is the only series where I am not using my head in the pick though, so I’ll take the Angels in five.

Colorado Rockies vs. Philadelphia Phillies

I don’t know if it’s the power of Christ that compels the Rockies to make this sort of run seemingly every other year or if it’s the Dodgers inability to close out a season without sending their fans into tailspins of despair and doubt, but the Rockies are looking shaky and Philadelphia is going to bring them back down to earth hard. Colorado just lost their best pitcher, De la Rosa – who won 16 of his last 19 decisions – to a groin injury that could possibly keep him out of the entire playoffs. Beyond that, Jason Marquis did his annual second-half nose-dive that got him landed in the bullpen. No wait, he’s starting game four! Good luck. That leaves Ubaldo Jimenez and Aaron Cook on the mound to handle one of the best lineups in baseball in two parks that are built to accommodate home runs in bunches. Conversely, the Phillies get to trot out Cole Hammels and Cliff Lee along with possibly Brett Myers and Pedro Martinez who should be okay for about five innings. The one danger for the Phils, and the key to the series, is Brad Lidge who has become one of Ray Bradbury’s firemen. If the Rockies can keep it close, they could flip what I think is going to be a Phillies sweep into a demoralizing Rockies 3-1 series win. Watch this one drunk.

St. Louis Cardinals vs, Los Angeles Dodgers

St. Louis has the Dodgers’ number this year and the Cardinals are a trendy choice to knock off the Yankees in the World Series. Oh, and Manny Ramirez can no longer hit either because he’s off the juice or he inexplicably developed a conscience and has been racked with guilt and self-doubt over the steroids flap or his transsexual lover left him for a rich Brazilian man. Seriously, Juan Pierre is a better option right now. Toss in the double-barreled butt-fucking that is the inexperience and low self esteem of Jonathan Broxton and Clayton Kershaw and you have all the makings of the Dodgers pulling a Cub-like disappearing act in the opening round. I don’t think that will happen because Joe Torre is pretty good at manipulating a clubhouse, but everyone said the same thing about Chicago the last two years.

Anyways, St. Louis got scary good over the last half of the season and since they have The Best Player in Baseball at first base, it’s safe to assume that everyone around Albert Pujols will be seeing decent pitches to hit. Chris Carpenter is back at peak form, Adam Wainright is the best pitcher no one has seen, Albert Pujols is Jesus Christ, Matt Holliday is hitting again, Rick Ankiel is safely tucked away in the outfield, and the Dodgers have completely stopped hitting.

Cardinals in four flushing out my dream of a Freeway Series so the Angels could shut up those obnoxious assholes in the Manny wigs.

Tony: This week I am making my picks based not on any logic but on how I feel about the teams. I thought this would be a tough pick because it would be difficult to decide who I hate more. Then I realized I really only hate Ray Lewis whereas I hate everything about the Patriots. Also, Brady is no longer comfortable in the pocket and you can bet the Ravens defense will spend the afternoon climbing into his rectum. Also, Belichick’s sweatshirt is fackin’ retahded and fuck Sax. Baltimore.

Dick: Since the Ravens are no longer run by that retard Brian Billick, their offense has opened up in ways once thought unimaginable because Joe Flacco has quickly become a poor man’s Dan Marino. However, even though Baltimore is looking impressive, this game is being played in Foxboro and the Patriots still look a little pissed about blowing numerous opportunities to spank the Jets like the mouthy little brats that they are. With Fred Taylor essentially locked in as their lead back, Tom Brady catching his rhythm, and the defense gelling, I see no reason not to take the Pats in a pick ‘em that they’ll win by a touchdown.

Sax: Frankly, Baltimore looks scary. They’re like every other Baltimore team of the past 10 years except they actually have a quarterback. They’ve also had the Pats number since that Monday night game 2 years ago they should have won, which would have alleviated the pressure of the undefeated season and allowed the Patriots to relax and win the Super Bowl against the Giants, or so I tell myself every night when I masturbate to Tom Brady using my own tears as lubricant. I’m taking Baltimore.

Dallas @ Denver +3

Tony: Tony Romo is an inbred jackass and a terrible quarterback. Wade Philips is a fat lesbian. Jerry Jones has a tiny dick. Tashard Choice’s first name is Tashard. Denver.

Dick: Look, Dallas is shitty, but Denver is far shittier no matter what their record says. For some reason the Panthers were able to hang with Cowfuckers until Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith read the defense differently and handed the Cowboys the game. Basically, Denver will keep this close for three quarters because their defense has looked incredible against Cincinnati, Oakland, and Cleveland which is sort of like fucking a bunch of 2’s and calling yourself Hugh Hefner. Dallas is not quite as bad as those clubs, but they’re close, especially since they will be fielding running backs from the local prison leagues because everyone else is hurt. Even so, since there’s no pressure on Tony Homo he’ll expose Denver as a paper tiger giving Dallas a “quality” win against the “best” team in the AFC West.

Sax: Denver hasn’t played anyone worth a damn. Dallas played the Giants, and even though they lost, they at least showed something. I think. Basically, I’m taking Dallas because Tony gargles cum.

San Diego @ Pittsburgh -6.5

Tony: This sucks. I have Big Baby Rivers on my fantasy team, but I also have Pittsburgh’s defense. I think Pittsburgh will be looking to right the ship after last week’s display of ineptitude. This game will be a shootout so I get a bunch of points out of Rivers and then Pittsburgh will win by a touchdown and I will get this pick right.

Dick: Losing to Cincinnati is never fun. It’s sort of like getting the shit kicked out of you by a girl in front of your friends and your mom. Now a grown-ass-man is coming to your house in the form of San Diego and even though they are riddled with injuries, they could be playing in Death Valley and Phil Rivers would just pull out some scripture about Jesus resisting the temptations of water and pussy in the desert that would rally his teammates to ignore dehydration and vultures to win by six points. However, the reality is that if Troy “Hair King” Polamalu plays, Pittsburgh will probably get the win, but not cover. If not, San Diego wins because frankly, the Steelers are nowhere near the same without him. Put my money on Jesus Boy to keep it close enough to get the cash.

Sax: Even if Polamalu plays, Pittsburgh cannot score because Ben Roethlisberger is fat. They might win, but not by a touchdown. Isn’t Willie Parker supposed to be good?

Green Bay @ Minnesota -5.5

Tony: I like how regardless of what actually happens this game the story will be how the game was won or lost based on Favre’s performance. Yawn. I also like how Green Bay was supposed to walk away with the NFC North. Vikings.

Dick: Brett Favre facing the Packers in Minnesota is neat-o, but it will be really awesome when he has to go to Green Bay where all the kids who were named after him have legally changed their name to Satan or Lucifer or Gaylord. Anyways, the Vikings are going to cover this one with ease because while Aaron Rodgers is the superior all-around quarterback, the Vikings have a far better defense and Adrian Peterson is essentially Jesus in cleats. Even when Favre was with the Packers they had trouble in the dome and with 65,000 screaming purple cock eaters making the noise of 20 747’s, Rodgers will be lucky if he doesn’t get hit with less than four delay of game penalties. Oh yes, Vikings by a lot.

Sax: I keep trying to talk myself into doing my patriotic duty and taking the points, but I realize my hatred of Favre is clouding my judgment. Favre pulled one out his geriatric ass last week, so I still don’t think the Vikings are as good as the hype, but at home this early in the season? I can’t pick against them.

Standings

1. Tony (7-5) (1-3 last week)

2. (tie) Sax (6-6) (2-2 last week)

Dick (6-6) (3-1 last week)

Dick:
The Raiders are so bad they can’t even sell out a game against the Broncos and run by a demented old man who wears the same track suit for weeks at a time. They are so bad they traded more draft picks to the Patriots for Richard Seymour and a bag of magic beans. They make the mess in Denver look good by comparison. Somehow these teams will find a way to score negative points. Unless you like the Special Olympics this is the most depressing game of the week. I’m taking Denver.

Tony:
Despite huge improvements at defense, the offense merely sharting the bed, and a heaping spoonful of blooper reel luck, the fact that Denver is 2-0 is obviously more a function of the caliber of teams fielded by the state of Ohio than any particular set of skillz possessed by the Donkeys. Additionally, everyone expected Oakland to be 0-7 going into week three yet somehow they’re batting .500 despite their fat oaf at QB and his scorching 35% completion rate. This game will come down to Denver’s ability to stop Oakland’s running game, primarily because all of Oakland’s receivers are dead. Donkeys cover and win.

Sax:
I let Tony pick the slate of games this week since I went an abysmal 1-3 last week, and his Broncos fandom has apparently blinded him to the fact that no one cares about the heated matchup between Kyle Orton and LaJamarcushawn Russell. Any attempt to offer some kind of analysis of the AFC West would be a cruel joke, so I’m just going to point out that Knowshon Moreno’s name is a combination of his father’s nickname, Knowledge, and his mother’s name, Varashon. This is not Hope and Change I can believe in. I desperately want to pick Oakland to spite Tony, but I just can’t do it. Actually, fuck it, yes I can. Oakland wins at home in this AFC WEST SHOWDOWN!!!! Kill yourself, Tony.

New Orleans at Buffalo +6

Dick:
Terrell Owens has five catches while Drew Brees threw five touchdowns in week one. Unless this game is played in a wind tunnel and Brees breaks his legs, Buffalo will be down 20 points before they get their first first down. It’s almost cruel because had Buffalo beat the Pats, we’d be talking about their resourcefulness instead of how seriously fucked they are.

Tony:
It’s annoying that New Orleans and Buffalo have both looked good enough that I have to sit here and actually contemplate this game. I have better things to do. I have a one-week-old baby currently doing his best audio impersonation of a weed eater and I’m like, “Hurrr, why does Drew Brees’s hair look like that?” My wife is fucking stoked. I think New Orleans will score a whole bunch of points, but Buffalo will score enough to cover and possibly win.

Sax:
New Orleans’ offense is just too good. I might be tempted to take Buffalo and the points if this were December, but I checked the weather forecast and it’s supposed to be in the high 50’s in Buffalo on Sunday. I cover all the angles. I am like Ace fucking Rothstein. Uh-oh, now I see there is a chance of showers, and I am doubting myself. I can’t handle this pressure, man. You know what? I don’t give a fuck, New Orleans will still win by a touchdown.

Miami at San Diego -6

Dick:
LaDanian Tomlinson may or may not be aware of this, but he might be done. The nagging injuries and knee problems have taken their toll and at this point Darren Sproles playing the role of Super Midget is a better option. However, the Chargers have bigger issues to deal with as it seems like the whole team is injured. I swear it has to be the Norv Turner effect as every team he runs is outright cursed. That being said, the Chargers are too talented and pissed off about losing to Baltimore to lose to Miami.

Tony:
This spread is bonkers. Despite being 0-2, Miami has all the momentum in this game. They rushed for just under eleven thousand yards against Indy last week, which bodes well for Miami given San Diego’s Goatse-look run defense. And speaking of San Diego, they are an injury circus playing on borrowed time. Yes, Big Bitch Rivers is the real deal, but seven Chargers missed practice on Thursday, and that’s not counting DT Jamal Williams (out for season – elbow) or C Nick Hardwick (out 8 weeks with ankle surgery). This game will be decided by Miami’s ability to not get burned on big plays by Rivers. Dolphins cover.

Sax:
I think the power of Christ will compel Philip Rivers to deliver enough passionate-yet-profanity-free speeches to spur his team to victory at home, but 6 points is too large a spread. The Chargers are a mess. This is another stupid game. If it wasn’t policy to always pick the Monday night game, I bet Tony would have put Chiefs/Eagles on the docket. I hate you, Tony.

Carolina at Dallas -9

Dick:
Nine points? Are you serious? The Cowboys are atrocious and I know it’s only week three, but America’s Team officially has the biggest pussy/choker playing quarterback in the league. This game has all the makings of a great payday because Dallas may win, but it won’t be by much more than three and they could outright lose if Jake Delhomme remembers that Steve Smith plays receiver for him.

Tony:
Another bewildering spread. I know Carolina is really bad, but the fact is, Dallas is just not that good. And their new stadium is why Al Qaeda exists. The other shoe is currently dropping on Romo exactly the way it has already dropped on Jake Delhomme. Mostly, though, fuck Dallas. They may win, but not by 10 or more. Carolina covers.

Sax:
I’m taking Dallas. I think they have enough backbone to be pissed about giving away that Giants game, and will respond at home. I know everyone thinks this line is too high, but the wheels are really coming off the Jake Delhomme Express. At least Carolina didn’t give him a huge contract extension this offseason. Honestly, this is a stupid idea, but I am trying to make some gains in the standings by picking against Dick and Tony. This is always a winning gambling strategy. Trust me.

Standings-

Standings-
1. Tony (6-2) (4-0 last week)
2. Sax (4-4) (1-3 last week)
3. Dick (3-5) (1-3 last week)

Dick:
I like Rex Ryan. I think he’d be great to have a beer with. I think after eight or nine or 15 with him I’d think I could kick Ray Lewis’s ass. I swear to fuck, I’d also fully believe that my team with a rookie quarterback that won fuck all last year would be able to embarrass the Patriots (who won 11 games with a guy who last played in high school) in my home opener. Not beat them, but fucking jack them up! I’m gonna knock their teeth in, make them remember me, and get to Brady more than six times by playing hard and clean through to the whistle because I’m not there to kiss Belichick’s ring even though they have the better coach and quarterback. Jesus, I’m fucking drunk. Pats by a lot.

Tony:
If there’s a rivalry out there about which I could care less than Pats/Jets, I certainly haven’t heard of it. When I heard last year that Favre was going to the Jets, my first thought was, “Who the fuck are the New York Jets?” My next thought was, “Why does New York have three NFL teams?” It would be easier to pick the Jets to cover and possibly win if Mark Sanchez had more than one game of NFL experience. I suppose New England will probably win when the Jets hand them a late special teams error on a silver platter, but I do think the Jets cover in a close one.

Sax:
This is why I hate picking games in week 2. What does a Jets victory over Houston mean? Is Houston actually a good team worthy of the sleeper hype they were getting this offseason, or was the Jets win completely meaningless because the Texans suck just as much ass as they always have? Is Sanchez going to pull a Matt Ryan this year, or did he just get lucky in his first week? What about Brady struggling to get the Pats into the end zone and throwing that absurd pick? Is that an aberration, or a sign of things to come? How good are the Bills? The solution to this problem is to just admit that you learned nothing from week 1 and pick the games as though they were openers, and I don’t think anyone would have taken the Jets getting 3.5 in week one. Also, this line opened at 6 and has moved due to everybody loading up on the Jets, and when the general public really gets behind one team, that’s not usually a good sign.

Pittsburgh At Chicago +3

Dick:
Fuck me in the ass, I’m Jay Cutler. My best wide receiver is Devin Hester, Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a dislocated wrist, and my line couldn’t stop the Packers’ pass rush because Orlando Pace is so old and bad the Rams released him. But we signed him. By the way, thanks for not signing Hank Baskett off the waiver wire and leaving me with this bunch of retards. Fuck this, I am going to throw the ball so hard on every pass that I break every receiver’s hands by halftime.

Tony:
Durrrrr, which defensive injury is more significant, Brian Old Spice or Troy and Shoulders? Actually, these injuries have an interesting offsetting effect on this game. The way to contain Roethlisberger is to blitz his face region for the majority of the game, which is trickier without your anchor linebacker. And Polamalu’s injury should serve to open up Cutler’s passing game. Here’s what’s going to happen: Cutler is going to throw three touchdowns to Greg Olsen and Ruthlessburger is going to be sacked at least five times. Chicago covers.

Sax:
Going by my “pretend it’s week one” logic, I’m taking the Steelers, since I took the Packers over the Bears last week and I’m pretty sure the defending champs are better than Green Bay. I guess the Polamalu thing makes me a little nervous, but… fuck it. That is the kind of expert, reasoned analysis you get here at Ruthless Reviews.

NY Giants At Dallas -3

Dick:
Ever since Tony Romo dropped Jessica Simpson and went back to men his passer rating has gone through the roof. It will go even higher this week. Over the last three years he’s taken the Giants for 12 touchdown passes in the regular season. Yes, he hasn’t won a playoff game, a must-win regular season game, or any game that matters ever, but this is September and this is when Romo plays like a champ. The only chance the Giants have is if Brandon Jacobs can stomp all over Dallas’ defense and Todd Flanders can figure out which of his receivers is as reliable as Plaxico Burress is stupid. My heart says Giants, my gut says Dallas, my head says that Dallas is overrated, and my wallet says Dallas.

Tony:
I have to think this spread is purely home screen advantage. I understand that Romo’s QB rating was like 700 last week, but the Cowboys beat an extremely questionable Tampa Bay team, and now Romo has a hyper-extended taint or some shit, so I’m not buying this spread at all. No sir. Giants.

Sax:
I’m taking Dallas. The Giants are just… not good. Dallas may very well suck, too, but I don’t KNOW they suck, and they’re at home. I still refuse to believe Eli Manning isn’t retarded. I will never get over Super Bowl 42. Fuck you, Eli Manning.

Indianapolis At Miami +3

Dick:
Last year was not an aberration. Miami really was that good, though it took a lot of luck, resourcefulness, and a play package from 1924 to get them over the hump. However, since they did not significantly improve anywhere, they will get stomped by the Colts. All the talk about Tony Dungy retiring doesn’t matter because Rod Flanders calls the plays anyway and he’s better at it than 99 percent of the coaches in the NFL. Take the Colts big.

Tony:
I swear to god, if I hear the word wildcat 30 or 40 more times, I’m going to purse my lips and be somewhat annoyed. Atlanta’s defense supposedly had some question marks against the run and they essentially shut out the grrr-scratch offense of Miami, save a garbage time TD. I think Indy is better than Atlanta, so I think Indy will cover this spread.

Sax:
Look, Miami put together an impressive run last season, but these overachieving teams with no talent can never keep it up for more than one year, and Miami is pretty fucking talentless. Also, um… they are playing the Indianapolis Colts. I know they lost Marvin Harrison and his gun collection and Tony Dungy and his dead son collection, but I’m sure they will still win 12-14 games and stomp the shit out of teams like the Dolphins pretty reliably, just like they always do. 3 points? Nucca, please.

Standings-
1. Sax (3-1)
2. Tony (2-2)
3. Dick (2-2)