1.) STEELERS: You like rape without real consequences? You like football? This is your team! Their defense gives more concussions than a redneck’s 4-wheeler. Mendenhall and Mike Wallace are future superstars in this league. They’re also disciplined and well-coached by the black guy from House. No one on the team stepped up to defend their rapist QB after he got bitchslapped, but it’s okay, they’re one big happy family!

2.) PATRIOTS: This team is like a jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces are squares, and the puzzle is of a big blank sheet of paper. You can just put any piece anywhere and it works. Deion Branch fills in for Randy Moss, no prob. Tom Brady gets hurt a few years back and Matt Cassell wins like 11 games. A few weeks ago a 5 and a half foot white dude (Danny Woodhead) got over 100 yards playing all the positions. Reminds me of that time I created myself as a character on Techmo Super Bowl. I bet Danny did that shit in the mid 90′s and somehow got infused with the game and crossed through the space time continuum. I’m guessing if you shot him with a crossbow, he would turn into a ball of electricity and disappear back to a time when Tupac was alive and everybody had a beeper. [Disclaimer: If Danny Woodhead is shot with a crossbow, I was only making an internet joke]

3.) SAINTS: The best fucking team ever in the history of the NFL. Yeah, motherfuckers talking about superbowl hangover and playing down to our competition, whatever bitches. I still think we’re gonna facefuck the NFC come December. I’m not even going to pretend to be objective here. The only reason I didn’t rank us number one is that we are too much like Stephen Hawking: we are constantly dumbing it down and we can’t kick. We will fix those things by season’s end, trust me.

4.) JETS: The coach is fat and likes to curse, just in case nobody knew that yet. Anyway, until Sanchez grows a thin mustache to honor his surname, I just don’t believe in him. You can clearly tell he has the ability to grow decent facial hair, but elects against it, which is a crime. And LT is looking like Campbell Soup Commercial LT! Let’s just see if Sanchez can “manage” playoff games against B-more and Pitts in the postseason.

5.) EAGLES: People say if you have two quarterbacks, you don’t have any. That’s bullshit. Having two QB’s is like being born with two dicks: it’s unorthodox, fascinating, and usually seems funner than it is; however, I feel like the situation in Philly is like Tori Lane in a DP flick: primed for a two dick situation. The Eagles DP their way to win the division!

6.) RAVENS: Solid team from top to bottom, but the Defense is a little old, the QB a little young, and no way they get a first round bye, which means they’ll be playing an extra game come playoff time, which sucks for old teams. Ray Lewis’ deodorant commercials are on par with Method Man’s, so they have that going for them.

7.) COLTS: Peyton and his mongoloid forehead terrorize the shit out of teams. My theory is that he was born with two brains, one stacked on top the other. The upper brain reads the defense and the lower brain concentrates on mechanics. It’s like Master Blaster from Thunderdome, inside his own fucking head! That’s crazy! And somebody tell me why Austin Collie wears a wave cap under his helmet? That’s like Seabiscuit buying a mountain bike. What’s he doing, waving up his Mormon locks of hair so he can hit the club later with Santonio Holmes? Fuckoutahere! That’s why Joseph Smith smote him via concussion, for being a douchebag.

8.) PACKERS: Some of their fans wear giant blocks of cheese on their heads, as if it’s a big ol Nordic Sombrero. Can you seriously see some guy in a green jersey with a giant piece of cheese on his head strutting into some night club and just tearing up the pussy? No, I can’t either. Those fans seem like simple, booger-eating, hot-farting, snow-dwelling folk, and as nice as they might be, they don’t have what it takes stand out on a national level, just like their team.

9.) FALCONS: Leave it to the blackest city in the US to play the most vanilla. What a bunch of dorks. I guess they’re good. I hate to say that. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t blow you away, but they don’t exactly make mistakes either. What a boringly good team. These guys are the San Antonio Spurs of the league. I hate this stupid team. They are not a contender, trust me! Roddy White is the only guy who can be fun to watch. Tony Gonzales is just a washed up route-runner. Turner is an overachieving fat wuss. Matt Ryan is a gay nerd. That is all.

10.) TITANS: Chris Johnson and that defensive front line are legit. That could get them a win first round of the playoffs. However, this team isn’t built to play from behind, oh wait… they just picked up Randy Moss. And I was just thinking Kenny Britt needed a positive new role model. Their real weakness is quarterback. Vince went psycho, again, and this week they start a guy named Rusty Smith, which sounds like the kind of name you give at the free clinic. Is this even a real dude? Maybe it’s really Jeff George with botox?

11.) DOLPHINS: Yeah, they have some losses, but they lost to the Jets, Steelers, Ravens, Pats, and Bears (yes the Bears are good, trust me). Also, they are great on the road. They’re scrappy, talented, and pretty well coached. And props to them for turning a gimmick (The Wildcat) into a viable offensive weapon. Pennington tried to start a game, and then got hurt quicker than Michael Cera in the Kumate. Henne is hurt too. The fate of this team rests in the capable hands of Tyler Thigpen. I still have a good feeling about them, but maybe it’s because I really like dolphins.

12.) CHIEFS: They’re a landlocked, Midwestern mirror image of the Dolphins, except a little younger. They have a weak-armed, mediocre quarterback, two good running backs and one decent receiver. They get by with being crafty, focused, and lucky. However, they get the luxury of playing in the AFC west, which is about as competitive as co-ed intramural softball.

13.) BEARS: Call me crazy, I believe in Cutler! Sure he gets sacked more than a (I know there is a ball sack metaphor here but I just can’t think of it) and his favorite receiver is DeAngelo Hall, but he’s got something unique in an NFL quarterback: Diabetes…and a short memory. For being a whinny arrogant prick, he’s fucking tough. Plus, he has the arm of Kenny Powers, the fuck-yall swagger of Joran Vandersloot, and the bravery of General Custer! 10-6, just watch!

14.) GIANTS: I’m just not really a believer. Their secondary is nowhere as good as people think. The D-line just bails them out by getting an awesome pass rush. Once some of them wear down or get injured late in the season, which always happens, teams will pass all over them. Plus Eli is still Fredo. He had his lucky day in the sun a few years ago. Bradshaw fumbles too much, Brandon Jacobs is actually borderline retarded (seriously he went to school up the bayou from me and took all his classes in the modular buildings in back of the real school and got to go home like two hours early) and Eli is always capable of Farve-level decision making in crucial games.

15.) RAIDERS: Darren McFadden is who we thought he was…when he played at Arkansas. Campbell/Gradkoski makes a pretty decent two-dick system too at times. Nine wins! Plus, I like how Al Davis dresses like Kim Jong Il. Best Korea takes second place in the AFC West!

16.) BUCS: With no running game, an inexperienced coach/QB, and no real talent on defense, they managed to win some games. I have no idea what’s going on, but I think this whole team is a sham. I’m sorry LaGarett Blount, but the NFL isn’t one of those youtube videos of Chinese congress, you can’t punch your way to victory here. Also, can we please stop calling him Cadillac. It’s Pontiac now, I think he’s earned it.

17.) TEXANS: What a bunch of goldbricking phonies! Opened up the season by taking a huge dump all over Peyton Manning’s squad. Then, they got exposed for the over-rated, non-defending Jabronis that they really are. Seriously, you know how in the stands at every game there is one chronic masturbater holding up a sign that says “D” and his fart smelling buddy is on side of him holding up a cardboard fence, well, the Texans secondary should take those signs onto the field with them and break into a Bollywood dance number in the hopes of distracting opposing quarterbacks. That would be more affective than whatever they’re doing now. Also, Schaub is finally playing like Vick’s backup. It’s about time.

18.) CHARGERS Leave it to the bolts to put the “special” in special teams. It’s like they put a helmet on a pot roast and told it to return a punt. Seriously, those guys are so retarded the mascot for the special teams should be Norv Turner’s hair. Also, Philip Rivers has the most punchable face I’ve ever seen. It’s like Nancy Grace and Jay Cutler had a baby. Gates is the only consummate professional amongst the whole lot, and you can tell in interviews he’s ashamed to be playing with them. He speaks with the detached embarrassment of Justin Timberlake in those old NSYNC interviews.

19.) REDSKINS: If this power rankings were about offensive nicknames, they’d be number one, with the Browns and Packers tied for second. Sure the latter two are about dogs and cheese somehow, but everybody really just thinks of Mexicans and gays. McNabb deserves better than these guys. Can’t believe Shanny pulled Donovan for Grossman the other week. If there is trouble with the offense, it’s probably because of the no names they have playing the skill positions. The depth chart at WR and RB reads like a playbill for a community theater production of some Tyler Perry adaptation.

20.) RAMS: It’s cool because Sam Bradford looks like the guy from Burn Notice, which made them jump a few spots in my rankings. I’m just glad Rush Limbaugh wasn’t allowed to buy this team. If he would have, the 2012 roster would look like this: Sam Bradford, Peyton Hillis, Toby Gehart, Wes Welker, Austin Collie, and he would have even talked Jason Sehorn out of retirement. Arian Foster would probably even be on the team, only because of his name though. Announcers would constantly be talking about how they have great “character” and “good work ethic, ” which we all know are just euphemisms for “slow” and “clumsy.” However, the coolest part would be all the botched high fives and Linkin Park music in the locker room.

21.) BRONCOS: The Sacramento Kings of the Divac/B Jackson/White Chocolate era. Orton is Divac (same neck breard) B Jackson is B Lloyd (overachieving breakout in mid career) and White Chocolate is Tim Tebow (running qb and super religious…that’s a black man’s game). They’ll be fun to watch, but they’ll never be taken seriously…just like women’s tennis.

22.) BROWNS: Art Modell tried to wipe this miserable shit-stained franchise out of existence, but like Steven Segal, it just won’t die, no matter how laughable or embarrassing things become. It’s turned into a freak show of trick plays and dumb luck of late, but this serendipitous twist of fate is doomed to end as abruptly as Derek Anderson’s bout with competency did. Ben Watson is their leading reciever, and if he would have stayed with New England, he would be their third string TE.

23.) JAGUARS: If the fans won’t pay to watch this group, then I’m not going to use the brain power thinking of jokes about them. Every win they’ve had they didn’t deserve, except for the Dallas spanking.

24.) BENGALS: Aw man, such high hopes for these guys, and they screwed it all up. It’s basically Carson’s fault. And Marvin’s too. And as for the WR divas, T.O. is having the better football year, but Chad’s reality show was more entertaining.

25.) VIKINGS: When I heard about Farve cheating on Deeana, I thought about how disappointed she must have been, but when I saw his weener pic on the internet, I figured she must be used to disappointment, so it’s not that big a deal. I’m pretty sure this thing will just blow over in the Farve household and he’ll be right back to his old self, throwing stupid pics and pretending to be hurt all the time. It’s funny, I think I’m the only guy who likes Brad Childress. Moss was a jerk, Farve is a sack of shit, and nobody on the team plays with a set of brass ones. I’d hate to coach this group. I’d start Tavaris next game, give AD 35 touches, run at least 4 reverses with Harvin, throw 2 bombs to Rice or Berrian, and pepper Visanthe with at least 8 targets. No way they lose playing like that.

26.) 49ERS: Steve Young isn’t walking through that door. The best yall can do is draft another left handed Mormon quarterback and pray to Pioneer Jesus for some luck. Even though you guys are way better and more talented than the juggernaut that is the St. Louis Rams, yall won’t catch them. Maybe when you play Arizona at the bottom of that shit-hole that is the NFC west, the football Gods will be so offended that lightning bolts will descend upon Frisco, destroying this present day Gomorrah. Problem is all the Evangelicals will think it was because of all the gays.

27.) LIONS: Take away Calvin Johnson and the offense isn’t 90 percent as affective. These fakes are one player away from being the Seattle Seahawks. Matthew Stafford has a a big ol down syndrome face. Nobody’s knocking down that tree for endorsements except for maybe companies who sell electric dog collars and jogging pants.

28.) SEAHAWKS: Ever since the Refs fucked them out of the Super Bowl a few years ago, they haven’t been the same…It’s like the whole franchise got AIDS, sometimes they have good days, and sometimes they have bad days, but they’ll always be sick.

29.) CARDINALS: I’m running out of shitty metaphors for shitty things by now. The best I can muster by now is actual shit itself, not like the loose machine-gun dead body smelling shit that flies out your burning asshole in some truck stop diner after eating rancid hamburger meat (that’s the Panthers) but I’m talking about long, hard thickly packed 9 inch coiled turds that look poised to strike, like a mean water snake with corn for scales. That’s the Cards.

30.) PANTHERS: (See above description)

31.) BILLS: You know, I never understood cults, not til I understood the Bills. There were some people so desperate for joy they thought CJ Spiller was the answer. These are the kinds of people who thought David Koresh was Jesus. I think desperation and sadness breeds a kind of hopelessness so deep that reality takes on dark, vague forms. Basically, Bills season ticket holders are the Branch Dividians of the NFL. Dying in a flaming compound fire would truly be an act of a merciful God.

32.) COWBOYS: Wow, it’s like the abortion train ran into the nuclear power plant and tumbled down Broken Glass mountain into a waste-water treatment pond. Never has something so ugly been so fun to watch, not even in an ironic hipster way…more like an America’s funniest videos way. You could tape cowboy Games then dub over the sound with Benny Hill music and sell the DVD’s on late night infomercials. I’m just glad they finally put Wade Phillips out of his misery; he’s not a football coach, never was. Wade is the kind of gent who tucks his Guy Harvey fishing shirt into the elastic waistband of his khacki shorts, eats at Cracker Barrell four times a week, and collects model airplanes. And now we finally get to see the first Ginger head coach ever! This is a proud day for everybody with back freckles and scorched pubes everywhere!

Does Terrell Owens deserve bust in Canton?

Now if you’re foreign or a woman or something, the stench of stupidity might not overwhelm you instantly. Give me a few minutes, and I promise it will build. And no, this is not one of those “hot topic” blog things where the shocking headline doesn’t match the content. Cole is actually challenging TO’s Hall Of Fame credentials.

CANTON, Ohio – Terrell Owens(notes) stood next to the ticket office just inside the glass doors of the Pro Football Hall of Fame, headphones covering his ears, sunglasses on his face, and stared outside at the throng of people Saturday evening who were here for the enshrinement ceremonies.

Owens, who joined the Bengals last month after an offseason of little interest in his services, looked out of place.

Reason one Owens doesn’t deserve to be in the Hall of Fame: He doesn’t show much interest in the Hall of Fame. This is just classic sportswriting. I mean, if you write about football for a living, you should probably understand that there is no major sport in which one of the Hall of Fame criteria is “how much does the player like this museum?” Yes, it’s vaguely annoying when somebody so fortunate becomes blasé about it, and jock resentment is the engine that drives much of this type of sports writing, but you know what?

A place he may never arrive if you buy the opinions of some people in the game.

“Absolutely not,” a long-time NFL team personnel executive said recently when asked if Owens deserved a spot in the Hall of Fame. Another prominent team executive echoed that, calling Owens a “figment.”

“I think he is so overblown statistics-wise, it’s unbelievable,” the first executive said. “If you play long enough, you’re going to have stats. He’s playing long enough and he’s got stats and now he has another gig, so there are more stats coming. But he’s no more a Hall of Famer than this bottle of water.

“I’m talking about the route runner. I’m talking about the hands. All that stuff, the wide receiver skills. I just don’t see it. Big, strong, all that that? Yeah. That’s there. But Hall of Famer? Years ago I would have said he was heading in a Hall of Fame direction. But a winner? He doesn’t have any of that. We don’t even have to bring that [into the discussion]. ”

Reason 2: He is overrated. Obviously these people have some sort of resentment against Owens, which probably has more basis in personal interaction than Jason Cole’s hysteria and envy. So I guess this is the spot to lay out some facts. TO was considered, throughout his prime, to be somewhere among the top two to three players at his position by the overwhelming majority of the people watching the game. For me that’s it. If you spend a long stretch doing that, you are by definition, a Hall of Famer. The “overblown statistics?” Normally I’d pull out all kinds of stats that would show how good the player I’m arguing for “really” is. In this case, there’s no need. Third all-time receiving yards with 14,951 (very soon to be second). Third all-time in receiving touchdowns with 144. Sixth all time in in receptions with 1,006. Maybe he is overrated. With those numbers, it doesn’t matter. Devalue them by 10% and it’s still not even debatable, at least within the realm of rationality.

His game is not flawless, of course, but diminishing the stats because he used speed and power more than hands and route running is kind of like saying Warren Beatty wouldn’t have gotten laid so much if he wasn’t a movie star. It’s like saying Nolan Ryan wouldn’t have been as good if he had an 85 mph fastball. Well of course, TO is a totally unprecedented case of a guy who is good at football because he is freakishly big, strong and fast, but they don’t give you less points for a touchdown because you are too strong.

As for the asinine, “if you play long enough,” argument, the guy is not exactly George Blanda. He’s had 14 seasons. It’s the same bullshit. “Well sure, Oscar De La Hoya fought in so many bouts, of course he would eventually win multiple world titles.” “Well sure, if you jot down enough figures, of course you will eventually come up with the theory of relativity.” And though nobody was smart enough to bring it up, you could point to the fact that passing is more prevalent in recent years, which inflates passing stats. But if this is true, it also means that receivers are more important.

But look, these are obviously just some jowly old guys who work for teams (we don’t know what their jobs are or if they involve much talent evaluation) and who have some kind of gripe with TO, which is pretty understandable. To dig up the small number of NFL people who are so sour on TO that they would make such stupid arguments, and to quote them exclusively, is dog shit reporting.

Whether the 44 media members who vote on the Hall of Fame agree with that one day remains to be seen. Owens enters his 15th season with his fifth team, an impressive résumé of stats and a bad reputation even he acknowledges.

And zero concern about whether the Hall is in his future.

I hate when hacks do this, and again, pretty much every sports hack does. Figure out some way to emphasize your point other than giving one sentence its own paragraph. For example, you could try writing a better, more persuasive article.

Fuck off, you moron.

“Even when I came [to the Hall] the first time, the second time, I never really thought about it,” Owens said Sunday. “Toward the end of my career with the numbers where they are now, people tend to say, ‘You’re going to be here some day.’ Of course, from a statistics standpoint, yeah, I’ll be here.

“But there are going to be a lot of things that factor into that, probably reputation and character and things of that nature. For me, honestly, I could really care less. When I started playing in this game, football wasn’t my first love. I didn’t have that passion the way some guys who grow up have that passion for the game of football. … If I get in, I get in. If I don’t, I don’t, it’s not a big deal.”

Back to reason 1. Man this shit drives me crazy. Jason Cole thinks that TO should be really into the Hall of Fame, and, because he is very good at football, TO should be a huge fan of football. But TO doesn’t have the outlook on things that Jason Cole thinks he should. What a fucking crime against humanity. It’s a wonder that all professional athletes don’t instantly turn into Barry Bonds. Can you imagine people routinely writing articles about what your personal priorities should be, down to how interested you should be in a particular museum? Is a great salesman less great if he doesn’t read books about P.T. Barnum?  You can have the lawyer who regales you with awestruck stories about Warren and Marshall. I’ll take the one who wins all of his cases.

Cole, raging hemorrhoid though he is, certainly knows that TO grew up in severe poverty and had a very repressive and moderately abusive childhood. Maybe that’s a factor in why he sees things kind of differently than people who were privileged enough to grow up regarding sports spectating as an issue of great importance. Perhaps this is enough to forgive him, just this once, for thinking out of lockstep with the mighty sage, Jason Cole. Let him have a second chance here. If we later find out that TO’s interest in collectible sports memorabilia is not exactly equal to Jason Cole’s, then I agree: obviously he should be kept out of the Hall Of Fame and possibly imprisoned.

The 36-year-old Owens, who has 1,006 receptions and 144 receiving touchdowns, backed that up with a nearly defiant attitude Saturday as the Bengals visited the Hall prior to their preseason game with Dallas on Sunday night in the Hall of Fame game.

Owens took about 30 steps to the top of the spiral walkway that opens to the Hall’s main floor. He then spent the better part of an hour leaning back on the rail at the top of the walkway, arms crossed and saying little. He didn’t look at any of the exhibits and never wandered anywhere close to the Hall’s best display, the room filled with the busts of all the inductees.

Almost every other Bengals player took it in. Left tackle Andrew Whitworth spent almost every moment researching the offensive tackles in the Hall, including Anthony Munoz, Gary Zimmerman and Jackie Slater. Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco walked around tweeting about the things he learned.

“This is sweet, really nice,” Ochocinco said with a genuine smile.

Linebacker Dhani Jones, who had been here four times before, walked around taking it all in again.

All the while, Owens struck a disaffected pose, like a teenager forced to see an art exhibit. He said he wants to wait, his body language edgy. He said his other visits have been the same. He has never walked the halls of football’s greatest shrine.

“I didn’t even walk around [Saturday],” Owens said. “It’s not a disrespect to the people who are in the Hall of Fame. I think that I’m going to leave that up to the day when I walk away from the game that I can bring my kids and experience it with them. I want to have a full experience.”

Let me expand on the point I made earlier. I’m pretty sure it is true of all museums, not just sports museums. How much you are interested with the museum should have nothing to do with whether you are in the museum. Like, if it is discovered that Goya didn’t like to go to art museums, should all of his stuff be pulled out of the Prado? So how is his “defiant attitude” (defiant of whom? Kim Jong Cole, I guess) “backing up” his stats in any sense whatsoever? There is no connection between his stats and his interest in this museum. The fact that Cole labels a thirty-seven year old man “defiant” says everything about the state of sports punditry.

Perhaps that’s believable,

WHAT? You just spewed like nine “paragraphs” taking him to task for not liking a museum and then you present his explanation, as if one were necessary and say “Perhaps that’s believable?” Good show.

but Owens is missing the bigger point, even as it came walking past him. As he stood in the front of the Hall, the Dallas Cowboys entered a little later. His last best team strolled past him. He gave hugs to some of his old buddies and ignored those who helped force his departure.

He continues to believe that his dismissal from the Cowboys after the 2008 season wasn’t his fault. He continues to deny that his pouting, distrusting, divisive attitude (which also helped hasten his departures from San Francisco and Philadelphia) is what hurt him.

“I think about it, but it is what it is at this point,” Owens said. “There’s no turning back at this point and I still stand by the things that I said and what was done and I know, honestly, it wasn’t my fault.”

Reason number three: Owens is kind of a dick and is a poor teammate. Most people would agree with this assertion and maybe for a borderline candidate, it could nudge them the wrong way. But even in backing up an assertion everyone agrees with, Cole is petty and stupid. Oh my fucking God, TO was warm with the teammates who were his friends, and not with those who shared a mutual dislike. I mean, suppose all of the co-workers from your last job came walking by. Wouldn’t you take a minute to say hello to your friends and politely ignore the people you had problems with? What else would you do?

And even though everybody agrees that TO seems like kind of an asshole, who cares? The hall is full of felons and genuinely nasty, mean-spirited people. Now all of the sudden we are going to keep people out, not for serious crimes, not for using performance-enhancing drugs, not for point-shaving, not for anything other than the fact that TO seems kind of dickish and is a poor teammate.

You know, it’s a shame. Maybe if, instead of pulling himself from a debilitating childhood into massive success, fame and wealth, though maintaining an abrasive personality, TO had followed Ray Lewis’ example. If only he were a really great teammate, who participated in a murder and let his buddies take the fall for it, maybe then he’d be deserving of a Hall of Morality spot.

As the saying goes, denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

No! Bad hack! Nononono NO! You are not supposed to take money for regurgitating a horrible catch phrase you heard a drag queen spew on a five year old “Maury” rerun when you could have been learning some of the elementary aspects of football. Push that, and a bag of chips, out of your brain and instead try to absorb this fact: a touchdown gives you six points.

But it is the reason that Owens is now playing his home games on a riverfront. Owens has arrived in Cincinnati – the Ellis Island of the NFL – because nobody else wanted him. He was on the market for the better part of five months and the Bengals were the only team that showed real interest. St. Louis thought about it and the New York Jets rolled the idea around, but neither made a serious offer.

That seemingly shouldn’t happen to a guy such as Owens. Unlike the men who are in the Hall, Owens has let too many things get in the way. There are moments when he gets that point. He even admitted to showing great restraint last year while he played through chaos in Buffalo. Between weird coaching moves and numerous injuries to other players, Owens said he kept his mouth shut and his attitude positive.

I officially have a headache. Does Jason Cole know what Ellis Island is and/or was? Because I cannot think of any way that his analogy makes sense. Is he confusing Ellis Island with Alcatraz? Fuck. Let’s move on with some facts. TO is thirty-seven and obviously on the downside of his career. I wonder how many of the wide receivers currently in The Hall would have found a great market for their services at age thirty-seven. Almost none? Also, it’s not like, if the Bengals were not in the league, TO would have been forced into retirement this year. That’s how Cole makes it sound because he is a disingenuous piece of shit, but I don’t think anybody seriously believes that it is actually the case. Especially since, by Cole’s own admission, TO had a positive attitude last year to go with decent statistics.

Finally, TO is still a thirty-seven-year-old man. It is troubling and even borderline creepy how, in a short piece, Cole has compared him to a petulant teenager, attempted to assert what his priorities should be, called him “defiant,” wishes to tell him how he should interact with his ex-coworkers and is only willing to praise him when he “keeps his mouth shut.” This is totally normal in the world of sportswriting. Even though if you tell an average man, “keep your mouth shut,” you’d better have health and dental, there’s some weird swirl of homoeroticism, racism and envy in which it is commonplace for sports writers to say things like this.

That brings up the obvious question: why didn’t he do that before? Why not keep your mouth shut after making the Super Bowl for the first time in Philadelphia? Why not suck it up in Dallas when you had an owner who loved you and wanted to pay you?

Why not get it before you have to finish your career on a series of one-year deals with teams that build the way some people play craps. Take a bunch of long shots and hope it works.

I don’t know. None of your fucking business, maybe? Look, I’m not saying that TO isn’t a headcase. But he is a clear cut, first ballot, hall of fame headcase and it is fucking ridiculous and pathetic for some second tier sports writer to sit back and play Saint Peter on him.

Instead, Owens has created a has-been aura. It’s to the point that football people dismiss his once overwhelming skills.

This headache keeps getting worse. Of course Owens is a “has been.” He is several years past his prime. Technically, Jerry Rice is a “has been.” So what? In fact, you must be a “has been” to get into the Hall Of Fame, so it’s hardly a disqualifier.

“I just don’t see the talent,” the first executive said. “I see a big guy, who in his heyday did damage when with other weapons. Damn right you better deal with him. But all the accolades of the ‘One-man band’ and ‘You can’t stop him,’ I never bought any of that. Just stay on him, do your job and eventually he’ll self-destruct. He’ll drop balls, lose concentration, run a [bad] route, leave the quarterback out to dry. Not in a verbal way, in route running. All those things are what he is. Add it all up and he’s not in the conversation.”

When writing a terrible article, might as well conclude with a paragraph that just quotes some idiot. If he is saying you can leave TO isolated now, well no shit. He’s entering his fifteenth season. Otherwise, great plan. If someone would only have left a prime TO in isolation all game, in the course of racking up 250 receiving yards and scoring four touchdowns, he would have run a bad route at some point. Clearly he shouldn’t even be in the conversation for the Hall of Fame.

Houston @ Miami -3

Tony: Nice try, Sax. Like I’m going to spend any energy trying to pick this piece of shit. Miami will win this game by 24.

Dick: Houston is talented, dynamic, and young, but also incredibly inconsistent and unreliable. Andre Johnson is making noise about bailing if the Texans don’t make the playoffs. Even though the Dolphins have been reduced to Ricky Williams and a cloud of dust, they have better coaching than the Texans and play every game as if Bill Parcells will personally castrate them if they take a play off. Dolphins.

Sax: Kubiak is done. Sparano is not. It doesn’t take a particularly perceptive imagination to figure out which team is going to bring it in week 16. Dolphins are at home, spread is low, no-brainer. Which means Houston will probably win just because God hates me, but fuck it.

Jacksonville @ New England -7.5

Tony: New England is undefeated at home this year ant they’ve won two in a row. Jacksonville is 2-4 on the road, and they’ve lost two in a row. Also … Jacksonville Jaguars. Patriots.

Dick: Aside from Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jags are outclassed at every position by the Patriots. This is the sort of trap game the Patsies have become susceptible to because, frankly, they lose their focus unless they have the press breathing down their neck. Thanks to Randy Moss having a bad game and then being accused of being a washed-up pussy and loser, they got both. Expect gore. Pats by a lot.

Sax: The Pats are still coasting on the reputation they built in seasons past. Brady is hurt and even when he was “healthy” he was kind of a mess, their O-line is the most overrated unit in the history of football, and their secondary is absolutely hopeless, which wouldn’t be that much of an issue if they had any semblance of a pass rush. Which is not to say they will lose to the Jaguars, who are terrible. I just think this spread is too high.

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh -2.5

Tony: Everyone is saying how this game is supposed to be some Boise State – Fresno State barn burner because both defenses are hobbled. I think both of these teams have given up on life and this game will be less 45-42 and more 13-10. I guess Pittsburgh should win by at least a field goal.

Dick: Pittsburgh got away with one last week against Green Bay. They caught the Packers flat-footed early on and then got flat out lucky with a touchdown on the last play of the game. Baltimore is schizophrenic and incapable of carrying any sort of momentum over from one week to the next. They are also missing Ed Reed which means Ben Roethlisberger is going to eat the Ravens for lunch if he can extend some plays. I want to take Baltimore, but the Steelers are pulling one of their patented late-season dashes in spite of having almost no chance at the playoffs. Steelers.

Sax: Hines Ward is a fucking tool, Ben Roethlisberger is fat, Troy Polamalu is injured, and 10% of the population of the greater Pittsburgh area knows how to read. They will still beat the Ravens this weekend. If they weren’t division rivals, I might be inclined to take Baltimore just because, at 8-6, they actually have something left to play for, but the Steelers still probably harbor delusions of making the playoffs and they want to play spoiler for the Ravens anyway. Because they are dicks.

Denver @ Philadelphia -7

Tony: Mother of fuck, Corch Irvin Majors is resigning after the Sugar Bowl, citing health issues. Apparently, Mike Shanahan is on the short list of potential replacements. For those of you too lazy to Google, Shanny was the OC at Florida from 1980-1983. All of this clearly means Denver will cover at Philly this week. CLEARLY.

Dick: Donovan McNabb could beat the Broncos by six points by himself, but if he has Brian Westbrook and his fully intact brain in the backfield, the Eagles will win by 10. Denver’s early-season run was a fluke because they kept getting incredible breaks and weird plays going their way, but the reality is that they are thin on talent on offense, their coach is not that bright, and they get to play the Raiders and Chiefs twice a year. Eagles by a lot.

Sax: Philly is going to fucking destroy Denver whether or not Brian Westbrook plays. I just like putting these games on the slate because Tony will pick Denver no matter what and he is raping me.

Standings
1. Tony (31-24) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (27-28) (1-3 last week)
2. Sax (23-32) (1-3 last week)

Dallas @ New Orleans -7

Tony: Apparently SOMEONE went to Miami last weekend and drank 715 adult beverages and forgot to write his weekly National Football League picks. I like how my absence leaves Sax helpless to do anything. Why didn’t you write my picks for me, you bitch? Sax is New Orleans and I am Katrina. Sax is also somehow Jerry Jones. And Dick is Mike Gundy from Oklahoma State. And I am LeBron James. Saints.

Dick: Dallas is a complete mess and going through its usual December tank job. Tony Romo is back to holding kicks for some inexplicable reason and Wade Phillips will be fired unless he wins the Super Bowl. The Saints are not really cruising so much as they are winning games on flukey plays and desperation because the defense is a sieve. Saints win, but by no more than four.

Sax: I don’t understand why teams hold onto guys like Wade Phillips. You KNOW he is a bad coach, but somehow it’s immoral to fire him because he didn’t do QUITE poorly enough last year, so you’ll let him stay one more year because there’s a 5% chance the Cowboys might not fall apart like they do at the end of every season? Honestly, it wouldn’t matter if they fired Phillips and brought in a re-animated Vince Lomardi this weekend, Drew Brees is playing the best football at the quarterback position I have ever seen.

Cleveland @ Kansas City -2

Tony: Let’s see … Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last year and Cleveland recently beat Pittsburgh. So, Cleveland is scientifically the best team in the NFL. Browns.

Dick: If they were playing for the draft rights to Ndamukong Suh we could expect to see players fumble with purpose, passes crisply thrown to defenders, and defensive backs pretending to trip to guarantee a shot at possibly the best defensive line prospect since Mean Joe Green. But that one belongs to the Rams. Instead, this piece of shit will show why Matt Cassel is really a career backup while Eric Mangini tells everyone his plan to ruin both Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn is working to perfection. Since it’s in Kansas City and they have a decent running back, I’ll take the Chiefs.

Sax: Matt Cassel actually looked really good last year. Then again, Daunte Culpepper looked really good throwing to Randy Moss. So did a 48-year-old Randall Cunningham, who, contrary to the opinion of every black football fan, was not in fact the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Tom Brady was pretty impressive before Moss got to New England, but he was apparently getting fed plays by guys who were stealing the opposing teams’ blitz signals. Ummm… I’m going to punch myself in the face until I forget having that last thought. As for the Bowl of Shit, I’m taking the Chiefs.

Green Bay @ Pittsburgh -2

Tony: What is this, 1998? Green Bay is solid at 9-4 (they finished 11-5 in ’98), but their divisional rival, Minnesota, is a fucking powerhouse (currently 11-2, they finished ’98 at 15-2, and, I don’t know if you heard, but the purple penises scored some points that year). Pittsburgh, on the other hand, is 6-7 and getting worse. They finished 7-9 in 1998 after losing their five final regular season games. Green Bay played at Pittsburgh on November 9, 1998, and Pittsburgh won 27-20. So, there you go. Boom. I should be a fucking sports writer. Steelers.

Dick: Oh, Pittsburgh, this has to be tough because you’ve lost to the Bengals twice and the Browns at home. Now, you’re going to lose to the Packers at home by way more than two points because your best players are hurt, your team has collapsed, and the Packers are gelling. This is going to get ugly fast. Packers by at least a touchdown.

Sax: I don’t trust Aaron Rodgers, and I can’t help but thinking the Steelers have a little something left in the tank, but these feelings are based on nothing, and every rational part of my brain is telling me to pick the Packers. Then again, I am a fucking idiot and getting my ass handed to me every goddamn week. I’m still taking the Packers.

Cincinnati @ San Diego -6.5

Tony: Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry Chris Henry. I choose to believe that Cincy goes into this game fully ready to throw San Diego from the back of their pickup truck. I also choose to believe that this is the week San Diego’s luck runs out. Ochocinco is going to catch touchdown passes so hard they are each going to count for 12 points. Also, nobody likes San Diego including San Diego. Bangles.

Dick: The Bengals are going to come into the game bound and determined to win one for their emotionally unstable dead teammate. Usually, slapping a commemorative number on the back of the helmet inspires grown children Garanimal uniforms to victory, but in this case it has nothing on Phillip Rivers’ personal relationship with Jesus Christ who has let him know that while Chris Henry is in His arms, the game will belong to the Chargers. Chargers cover.

Sax: These are two teams moving in opposite directions. All of a sudden, those wins over the Steelers don’t look so impressive for Ochocinco and company, and the Chargers are marching through the league like Sherman on his way to the sea. I know the Bengals will all be pumped up by the memory of their teammate who in no way bears any responsibility for his death after jumping onto a moving pickup truck as the mother of his children fled from him, but it doesn’t matter. Chargers.

Standings
1. Tony (29-22) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (26-25) (1-3 last week)
2. Sax (22-29) (1-3 last week)

Tennessee @ Indianapolis -6.5

Tony: It’s currently after 11PM on Saturday night and I am just now typing these picks to send to Sax, which is to say, who gives a fuck about this shit anymore? Uh … Vince Young is better than Tom Collins, but neither are better than Rod Flanders. Colts.

Dick: The Vince Young Rehab Express keeps on chugging along. I don’t know if he is bipolar or suicidal or what, but it sort of seems like he finally figured out that you can’t just run around and win games and that veiled suicide threats are really dumb and childish and decided to, like, learn how to play quarterback. Yes, he carved up Arizona and looked the Blue Fairy made him a real, live quarterback, but their defense is a colander, so I am far from impressed. However, they do have Chris Johnson, and he’s fucking amazing. if Young is just competent, that guy can break the game open. The Colts… are lucky. With all the injuries they’ve suffered they should have at least one or two losses, but Houston is gutless, Baltimore simply blew it, and Flanders is as clutch as Romo is choke. The Colts win a really tough one, but by no more than four.

Sax: The Colts keep pulling close wins out of their ass, they can’t sustain that for an entire season, the Titans are hungry/desperate, and this spread is too big. On the other hand, Vince Young vindicates all practitioners of phrenology. Still, this spread is too much. Titans.

Philadelphia @ Atlanta +5.5

Tony: Mike Vick returns to Atlanta. White people are pissed. Black people are stoked. Given the injuries Atlanta is dealing with, I’m surprised this line isn’t bigger. I can’t not pick the Falcons because Arty Blank reads this site, so … Falcons.

Dick: Don McNabb is really, really good. He’s been carrying the Eagles for years while idiots in Philly boo him, fat fuck Andy Reid drafts his replacement, and Rush Limbaugh keeps intimating that he’s taking a job from some phantom white man who is infinitely more qualified. He’s going to put on a fucking clinic in Atlanta. Did I mention that I used to work with McNabb’s center at Syracuse? He said he used to fart on McNabb’s hands just before snapping the ball to lighten him up. Anyone who can handle a white men passing gas on him during a football game can handle a measly 5.5-point spread. Eagles all the way, bitches.

Sax: So Atlanta is missing their starting QB and starting running back, right? I’m not imagining that? And this spread is less than a touchdown?

Minnesota @ Arizona +3.5

Tony: Is Kurt Warner still hurt? Here, let me just look it up on … oh, fuck it. Vikings by a hundred billion.

Dick: Vegas originally set the line on this one at two and I wondered why it was not multiplied by 10. Seriously, have you seen the Vikings this year? They are shitting all over teams. Didn’t you just see the Cardinals just lose to Vince Young in the fourth quarter? Oh wait, I really think Kurt Warner (and his 18th concussion) can avoid the Vikings pass rush and keep them in the game or even win because Larry Fitzgerald is Jehova at split end. Come on. And I don’t want to hear this nonsense about Adrian Peterson fumbling too much or that the Vikings have beaten a bunch of teams with losing records. Fumbles don’t mean shit when you hang 30 points a game on teams from Green Bay to Detroit to Baltimore to, yes, Arizona. There are only three really good teams in the NFL and the Cardinals are not one of them. Take this gift from Vegas.

Sax: Normally, I would be all set to take the Vikings here, but when Dick starts describing a line as a, “gift from Vegas,” it gives me pause, since he is, after all, an idiot. Still, there’s no fucking way I can pick against the Vikes with a spread that low.

Dallas @ NY Giants +2.5

Tony: It feels like all four AFC East teams play each other every single weekend. Yawn. Giants. (Editor’s Note: I think Tony meant “NFC East,” but I’m leaving that in there as punishment for his poor effort this week.)

Dick: The Cowboys are going to destroy the Giants. Not because they are all that much better, but the Giants have been decimated by injuries and have gone from 5-0 to a massively depressing 6-5. The Cowboys are healthy and have maybe the fourth or fifth best offense in football. The Giants defense gives up 31 points-per-game, Antonio Pierce is out for the season, Eli Manning’s feet are fucked up, and Tony Romo is desperate to shed his choker/pussy label. Dallas by a lot.

Sax: Nothing makes me happier than the return to mediocrity of Eli and the Giants. I can handle one retarded Southerner who donates to Fred Thompson and is in all likelihood a creationist routinely laying waste to the entire league, but not two, especially when they are brothers. The weather does give me pause, as the Cowboys are from Texas and Tony Romo is Mexican, but Eli Manning sucks.

Standings
1. Tony (27-20) (3-0-1 last week)
2. Dick (25-22) (3-0-1 last week)
2. Sax (21-26) (2-1-1 last week)

Note: We are just ignoring the push from last week in the overall standings, because it is annoying to type out three numbers for the rest of the year.

Indianapolis @ Houston +3.5

Tony: Somehow, Houston has become the best terrible team in the league. Everyone is like, “DON’T DISCOUNT THE TEXANS IN THIS ONE, ‘COS WHEN SCHAUB AND JOHNSON AND-” Colts.

Dick: Houston has lost three games to the Colts by three points. Considering they just lost to the Titans a week after an ESPN the Magazine article quoted Andre Johnson saying he would probably leave the Texans if they don’t make the playoffs this year, I’d say Houston is choking their season away while publicly worrying about losing their best player. Indy is a bit banged up and the chances of them going undefeated are pretty slim. If they are going to lose one or two, this week is as good as any against a team desperate for win, right? No, Indy will win by at least four because it’s no accident Indy is 14-1 all-time against a Houston that is “this close” to quitting.

Sax: The Colts are running the table. It’s over. It’s all over.

Arizona @ Tennessee -3

Tony: Another Bad Team Bonanza. Arizona was in the Super Bowl last year. Tennessee went 13-3 last year. This year, both teams can make vampire fangs with the candy corns FROM MY FUCKING STOOL. Uh … Titans, I guess.

Dick: Tennessee is reborn and Vince Young is playing with confidence. He’s still shaky when it comes to throwing from the pocket, but he’s starting to look like he’s figured out a couple things about playing quarterback. However, the Titans did the same thing when he came off the bench a couple years back and after a string of wins the novelty wore off and defenses worked on keeping him in the pocket and he had a nervous breakdown and went AWOL. This week it won’t happen because if God benches Kurt Warner with a concussion, Matt Leinart will be trying to shake off two years of rust against a Tennessee team hellbent on proving their shitty start was a fluke. If Warner is in there, he’ll eviscerate the Titans in a laugher because he knows what Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are thinking on every play. Cards by a lot.

Sax: Even at home, I cannot pick a team that is starting Vince Young. I just cannot do it. Then again, I am fucking terrible at this. I’m taking the Titans. Chris Johnson is a beast, who knows what the hell is going on with Warner, the Cardinals have always been flaky and are sitting atop their atrocious division with nothing to play for. Also, I guess now is the time to point out that Tony sent these picks to me at midnight last night and he was drunk off his ass.

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore -2.5

Tony: See here’s the thing about Kyle Orton. KYLE FUCKING ORTON. Everybody is like “The New York Football Giants” and Kyle Orton is like EAT MY FUCK. And Josh McDaniels is like SUCK IT, and everyone lived happily ever after. Ravens.

Dick: Ben Roethlisberger does not play well hurt. I wrote about this phenomenon in 2007 and I stand by it. The Ravens will beat the shit out of him this Sunday if he insists on playing. What’s more, Troy Polamalu has been all but ruled out of the game, and all things being equal, he’s more important to the Steelers than Big Ben because he makes Dick LeBau’s defense work, and without him, they are not the same team. Baltimore has been up and down this year, but I’m taking them in a really close one because until Ben wins one hurt, I have zero faith in him.

Sax: God, I hate the fucking Steelers. Pittsburghers can talk about the rejuvenation of their city all they want, they are delusional. A couple new hospitals don’t mean a damn thing, the city is still a post-industrial wasteland full of semi-literate, semi-employed hill people with nothing to live for other than their football team. The steel magnates tried to import some culture by endowing universities and museums, but it accomplished nothing. Polamula is turning into Bobamalu Sandersau, Ben Roethlisberger’s 80 IQ has been knocked down to 73 by all the head trauma, and the chickens are coming home to roost. Or, the Ravens are coming home to roost. Do Ravens roost? Are the Steelers better than the Colts? No. Ravens.

New England @ New Orleans -2

Tony: Look at this shit. Orleans is favored over England. This is a topsy-turvy world in which we live. Four years ago, Orleans is like oh no it’s raining we are fucked, and England was like we are championships. Now, in two hundred thousand and niner, Orleans is like touchdowns and England is like roughing the crumpets. Saints.

Dick: This should be a fantastic game and could be the Saints real coming out party or the Patriots reminding everyone they are still near the top of the heap. There’s no doubt that Brees and company will be coming out pumped, but the key will be maintaining their composure when Tom Brady starts to cooly dissect their defense sometime around the start of the second quarter. No matter, this is the game the Saints have been craving all season to prove their legitimacy. Plus, it’s in the Superdome, which will be deafening. Belichick’s not going to do anything stupid like he did against Indianapolis because on Monday night he’ll be facing a healthy team that won’t wear down at the end. Right now, the Saints are the better team and barring a string of terrible turnovers and mistakes, they’ll cover.

Sax: Look, there is no chance I will win this pick-off, so I’m picking with my heart. The Patriots will finally overcome their second half woes, match the Saints TD for TD, and Tom Brady’s hairline will triumph over Drew Brees and his few remaining follicles. The Patriots are the best team in football, JFK was the best president, Matt Damon is the greatest man to ever live, and Boston is a shining city upon a hill. I hate you, Tony

Standings

1. Tony (24-20) (3-1 last week)

2. Dick (22-22) (4-0 last week)

3. Sax (19-25) (3-1 last week)

Atlanta @ NY Giants -6.5

Tony: Goddammit, Falcons. The Giants are REELING and pretty much all of your skill players have career-ending hangnails. Despite the Falcons’ recent woes, however, I am still picking them to cover and win and here is why: The Giants started 5-0 and everyone was like, “Hurrrr,” but 4 of their first 5 wins came against Washington, Tampa Bay, Oakland, and Kansas City, which is to say, in a normal season, the Giants’ record would look more like 2-7 than 5-4. Also, the Giants’ margin of loss against New Orleans was 13 points higher than Atlanta’s. So there’s that. Falcons.

Dick: Normally, with the Giants at home in November and the Falcons’ terrible road woes, I’d figure Atlanta would be toast. But since the weather will be a balmy 54 degrees and the Giants defense was terribly inconsistent before Antonio Pierce went down, I’ll say Michael Turner does his best impression of Earl Campbell. The Giants may win, but by no more than three.

Sax: Fuck the Giants.

Indianapolis @ Baltimore +1

Tony: As much as I like to discount Baltimore, they did win at San Diego, and they almost beat the Favres also on the road. Indy’s 9-0 record looks good, but this is exactly the type of week where a team like Indy earns one of their few blemishes of the year. The question is whether I have the sack to actually pick against the Colts especially against a supposedly mediocre team like the Ravens. The answer is I do not. Colts.

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Dick: Indy won last week because Bill Belichick is just wrong. They will win this week because Baltimore cannot stop the pass and unless Peyton Manning breaks his legs, he’ll hang 30 points on the board. Baltimore’s also missing Lee Suggs because Brady Quinn doesn’t know how to block. This could get ugly fast.

Sax: I think it’s time for me to admit that I have overrated the Ravens all season. There are a lot of reasons to pick Baltimore, they have lost some close games and they are tough at home and they basically beat the Patriots when they rolled into the Murdaland with an undefeated record 2 years ago, which I will keep bringing up even though it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever when it comes to this current season. Jesus, I suck. Maybe if the spread was higher. On the other hand, I just looked at Indy’s schedule, and this is really the biggest game left for them unless you count the Broncos as a threat, which I do not. Do I really think Indy can go undefeated? No. I’m picking the Ravens, even if that is pretty flimsy logic, by which I mean completely non-existent logic. Holy shit, I hate this.

San Fran @ Green Bay -6.5

Tony: Sax, why do we pick a game with either San Fran or Green Bay every single week? Aside from the fact that no one likes either team, neither team is any good. Get it together. Anyhoozle, I have a hunch that San Fran breaks off a huge one this week. I get the feeling that the Smith-Gore-Crabtree monster is on the verge of gelling, and, even if the offense has only an adequate performance, their defense has been solid lately. 49ers.

Dick: I don’t have a lot of confidence in either of these teams because the Packers let Aaron Rodgers get sacked eight times a game and the Niners still look more like a rugby team than a football team. However, both teams have solid defenses and if Green Bay can keep Rodgers upright, they get the edge. Pack wins, but not by seven.

Sax: Tony’s right, this game is lame, but it seemed like the biggest one left on the schedule. I guess we could have gone Bears/Eagles, but I am fucking sick of the Bears. If there’s one thing you can rely upon with Green Bay, it is a complete and utter lack of consistency, and 6.5 points is a big fucking spread. If San Fran doesn’t win, their season is over. I like the Niners and the points.

San Diego @ Denver +3

Tony: ZOMG, Denver has lost three games in a row! San Diego is SURGING! Really, the main thing that concerns me about this game is that Tom Green Dave Grohl Orton, arguably the greatest quarterback in the league, appears to have injured his ankle and will likely be replaced by, uh, Chris Simms? Yeah, this might not go so well. Donkeys.

Dick: Denver’s defense is still solid, but their propensity to pull out miracle plays a-la the computer on All Madden has suddenly disappeared along with Kyle Orton’s health. San Diego’s hot, LT is back from the dead, and Phil Rivers is imbued with the spirit of Christ.

Sax: The Broncos are done. I’m sorry, Tony. You see this? All this shit? It’s not your fault. Look at me, son. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

Standings

1. Tony (21-19) (0-4 last week)

2. Dick (18-22) (3-1 last week)

3. Sax (16-24) (2-2 last week)

Tony: I backed Cincy last week and they did not disappoint. And they’ve already shown they can beat Ben and his Giant Face. I would argue, however, that Baltimore is a big piece of poop and Cincy’s win last week is not significant. The Bangles will not beat the Steelers this week. Pittsburgh is hitting on all cylinders and has huge momentum coming off their win in Denver. Their running game is on, the passing game is on, Palmolive is back. Pittsburgh.

Dick: Chad Ochocinco likes to send gifts to opponents, gets fines 20 grand for doing practical jokes, and scores lots of touchdowns. Since he seems to understand that football is entertainment while folks in Pittsburgh treat it like life and death, I’m taking Cincy. Doesn’t make sense, does it? But considering my abysmal record it’s either this sort of logic or throwing darts.

Sax: I have officially entered Costanza mode. Since my decision-making abilities have led to nothing but humiliation week after week, I am going to carefully consider each matchup and use reason and logic to decide who I think will cover, then I will pick the other team. Pittsburgh is at home, Polomalu is back, they are looking to avenge a division loss, they are a different team since the ascension of Medndenhall, and they only lost to Cincy by 3 on the road last time… so I’m taking Cincy. Wait, no, fuck that, I’m taking Pittsburgh. I don’t have the balls to see the Costanza plan through. I am a coward.

Philadelphia @ San Diego -2

Tony: This is kind of a head scratcher. Philly lost to Dallas last week, but is Dallas actually getting good? The Chargers beat the Giants last week, but the Giants appear to be in the middle of a catastrophic collapse. So, by that logic, the Eagles should beat the Chargers, right? The Chargers have won three in a row, but those wins were against Oakland, Kansas City, and the Giants. Before losing to Dallas last week, Philly won two in a row against the Giants and the Redskins, but that was after losing to fucking Oakland. God this game is a piece of shit. I guess I’m picking Philly because fuck Philip Rivers.

Dick: Somehow Andy Reid can’t keep the Eagles on target even though he has Don McNabb playing some of the best football of his career. You lost to Oakland and now you’re rolling in to play the Chargers who are hot and have Jesus in the backfield. I’m taking San Diego because Philly is schizophrenic.

Sax: The Chargers are staging one of their patented late-season rallies, and Andy Reid is Andy Reid. I can’t wait to see the Bolts overtake Tony’s Broncos. They’re at home and there is basically no spread, I love the Bolts this week. So I’m taking Philly. Co-STAN-za.

Dallas @ Green Bay +3

Tony: Rather than try to overthink this one, I am going to yield to the apparent momentum of each team. Dallas won a big one on the road against Philly last week and Green Bay bent over and gave what is arguably the worst team in the league their first win in a big way. Dallas.

Dick: Tony Romo is Mr. November and the Packers are going to lose because they can’t protect Aaron Rogers or stop the pass. Unless the game is played in a blizzard and Romo breaks his legs, the Cowboys win easily.

Sax: Green Bay is just fucking terrible. Their line is a mess, things are falling apart. Dallas seems to be getting their shit together behind Miles Austin. I’m taking Green Bay.

New England @ Indianapolis -3

Tony: Sure the Colts are great this year, but the Peter Griffins’ only two losses so far were against the Jets and the Broncos and both of those are starting to look a little flukey as the season progresses. I think this one comes down to two things: 1. Fuck Tom Brady. 2. Home field advantage. Indy.

Dick: Indy still has Rod Flanders, but it seems like half of their defense is on injured reserve. And since Indy will not go unbeaten and even though the Patriots still haven’t figured out who is their nominal starting running back, I see Brady and his movie star looks winning out over Peyton’s fake audibles because this seems like the perfect week for Indy to lose.

Sax: Everyone in New England is acting like the ship is righted after victories over Tennessee, Tampa Bay, and the Dolphins, who are admittedly probably better than their record indicates but still put up a pretty good fight IN Foxboro. Randy Moss is still one of the best in the game, but he has lost a step since he caught 35 touchdowns two years ago, and the Pats have gone from Donte Stallworth to Jabar Gaffney to no one as their third receiver. They are on the road, and even though it seems like it’s harder for the Colts to pump in fake crowd noise in this new stadium, Peyton Manning is gonna take a shit down Belichick’s throat. Which is why I’m taking the Pats. Co-STAN-za!

Standings

1. Tony (21-15) (2-2 last week)

2. Dick (15-21) (1-3 last week)

3. Sax (14-22) (1-3 last week)

Tony:
I don’t think Baltimore is as good as their victory over Denver last week and it seems like things are continuing to gel for Cincinnati. Cincinnati.

Dick:
Four of Cincinnati’s wins are flukes while two of Balimore’s losses (including one to Cincy) are flukes, so the law of averages has to come into play making Baltimore the winner, right? Because even though Cincinnati is putting together a pretty impressive run, the Ravens feel like they should be 6-1 or 7-0 and after demolishing Denver, they have to be looking at Cincy like that creepy Cuban guy from Bang Brothers looks at 18-year-old girls.

Sax: I spent the first half of the season picking against the Giants because I was convinced they were mediocre at best and I got my ass kicked. Then I finally gave in and started picking them and they dropped 3 in a row and I got my ass kicked. I’m not making the same mistake with Cincy. I am also sticking to my guns with my belief that Baltimore is really fucking good. I love Flacco, I love their defense. Make no mistake, Cincy will win this game, because I suck ass at this, but I’m taking Bodymore.

Miami @ New England -10.5

Tony:
I have never had any love for Miami and all of a sudden I kind of like them. Also, fuck Sax. Miami.

Dick:
Vegas is starting to figure things out because Miami in New England in November seems pretty brutal considering that the Pats seem to be hitting their stride and the Dolphins could not protect a 20-something point lead against New Orleans and a 10-plus spread seems justified. However, the Pats are terrible against the run and that is all the Dolphins do well. New Enlgland wins, but by no more than seven.

Sax:
I know this is a November road game in the northeast for Miami, but I’m sitting about half an hour from Foxboro right now and it’s 60 degrees and sunny. I can’t figure Miami out. They clearly could have won against Indy and the Saints, the 2 best teams in the league, but once is a fluke and twice is a pattern, so maybe they are just prone to shitting the bed. On the other hand, I don’t see why everyone’s doubts about the Pats should be erased by them shellacking 2 ridiculously terrible teams. I’d be inclined to just take the points, but I feel like this game is going one of two ways- either the Pats are for real and they win by more than 11, or they are still the same mess that nearly lost to Baltimore and lost to Denver and Miami beats them because their defense, unlike those of Tennessee and Tampa Bay, actually exists. I’m taking the Pats, so everyone reading this should bet their house on Miami.

Dallas @ Philadelphia -3

Tony:
I really don’t care one way or the other about Philly and we all know how I feel about Dallas. Philly.

Dick:
Roy Williams is a clown, runs shitty routes, and walks through plays he’s not involved in. Tony Romo is gutless and wilts under intense competition, especially when he has tough games on the road. Wade Phillips is retarded and should not be a head coach in the NFL. Philadelphia has the most underrated quarterback of the last 15 years, is coming off a thrashing of the Giants, and looking to put the NFC East in a stranglehold. Even though their coach is a fat Mormon who is failing with this Michael Vick experiment, the Eagles will win by a lot.

Sax: Westbrook is out, and I just can’t trust Philly after that loss to Oakland. As much as I don’t want to, I’m still picking them, because they are at home and Wade Phillips wears adult diapers. Why the fuck is Dallas in the NFC East? By the way, nice effort this week, Tony.

Pittsburgh @ Denver +3

Tony:
I wish this spread was much larger so I could at least pick Denver to cover. Really, though, there’s no way I can’t pick Denver, so I’ll save the keystrokes. Denver.

Dick:
Denver is a lot better than everyone expected because of their defense and the fact that Kyle Orton is playing in an offensive system that doesn’t ask him to chuck the ball 50 yards downfield to no one. But Baltimore exposed a few chinks in their armor last week, including Denver’s lack of imagination and a propensity to rely on the other team making mistakes. Pittsburgh is minus-three in turnovers (even with the flukes against Minnesota) and even though their blitz packages wreak havoc, they will be facing the dirtiest offensive line in football. I hate myself and want to die because I am taking Denver.

Sax:
Even though I dutifully ate some humble ass pie after the Donks beat the Patriots, I never really bought Denver as an elite team. I think they’ll still easily win their joke of a division and make the playoffs, but I think it’s clear that they aren’t quite on the level of the elite teams in the league. However, I’m not too sure the Steelers are one of those elite teams, and I worry about Ben Roethlisberger wheezing in the mile-high air because he’s the fattest quarterback ever and the Steelers all form a circle before every game and insert buttplugs into each other. This is why I hate doing this pick-off, because I would never bet money on this game in a million years, but since it’s a BIG-TIME MONDAY NIGHT SHOWDOWN, I’m forced to pretend I have any idea what the fuck is going to happen. Sigh… Steelers. Mostly because I hate Tony.

Standings
1. Tony (19-13) (1-3 last week)
2. Dick (14-18) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (13-19) (1-3 last week)

Tony: There has been some chatter this week about how Ray Lewis could have ended up a Bronco after free agency but talks never progressed and they signed Dawkins instead. It makes me sad to think about Lewis as a Donkey because I would have had to give up football entirely. Imagine the team meeting where Lewis is like, “Hey, thanks for the warm welcome. Yeah, I wanted to ask you guys, you may have seen how I do this thing before each game where I come out of the tunnel and get the crowd fired up by acting like if the Karate Kid had been a Polynesian tribal dancer. That’s still cool, right?” Ugh. Donkos.

Dick: Sooner or later the wheels have to come off the Donkey Express, right? I feel like I am watching Kevin Costner deliver the mail and I want someone to just shoot me in my sleep because waking up and seeing Josh McDaniels with an undefeated record defies logic and all that is right with the universe. Isn’t there some sort of mathematical equation or theorem or something that proves what we already know: That he is simply a lucky fuck and the equivalent of Forrest Gump as a shrimp boat captain in the real world. I want to die. Ravens, just to spite this fuck.

Sax: This is getting embarrassing. I am fucking 12-16. Honestly, I would feel like an idiot if I continued to offer “analysis” as though I wasn’t getting my ass kicked week after week. It would be like Matt Millen offering NFL analysis week after week on an NFL TV show… oh wait. In my defense, this isn’t a gambling column, we just use the spreads as a vehicle to talk about the four biggest games every week, because it would be boring if the 4 of us just loaded up on the Colts and Saints and whoever was playing the Raiders and Rams week after week. I’m tempted to just make fun of athlete’s names in lieu of trying to justify my picks in an effort to get black people to stop making up names out of whole cloth, but that is the coward’s way out. I will stick around for my weekly ritual humiliation, because I’m a professional. I’m taking Baltimore, because I remember a certain undefeated squad rolling in there 2 years ago and losing (okay, they didn’t lose, but they should have). The Ravens get pumped for these types of game at home, and they fucking NEED a win because of Cincinatti’s unexpected rise, whereas the Broncos are probably getting a little cocky and don’t need a fucking thing because their division is an abortion clinic dumpster.

NY Giants @ Philadelphia pk

Tony: Hey, did you guys know the NFC East is the toughest conference in football? I like how the Iggles still start McNabb every week. It’s like when you’re golfing and you’re playing like shit and you start to get really frustrated, contemplating the futility of spending all that time and money on an activity that is so profoundly infuriating, and you walk up to the ball for a second shot after some piddly 90-yard shank drive and without pausing to get set you take your 3-wood and swing as hard as you can and somehow the ball ends up 10 feet from the cup and at the end of the day that’s the only shot you remember even though you shot a 105 and you end up out there a couple weeks later doing it all over again because you’re an idiot. That’s the Eagles. Giants.

Dick: How can there not be a spread on this? Seriously, there has to be a one-point swing by Sunday, but since some cunt at Caesar’s is about to lose his job because the Rams can’t cover we get this sort of bullshit. Anyways, Todd Flanders is going through a rough patch and Don McNabb shook off the bad karma of trying to get his arms all the way around JaMarcus Russell’s waist in a pregame hug by beating, ahem, the Redskins. Give me the Giants. Why, why, why do I do this? This is the worst game to pick this week because both teams hate themselves and seem to want to lose. Okay, Giants, and I really mean it. Sax, kill me.

Sax: The Giants have to bounce back at some point, right? The first 6 weeks couldn’t have just been a mirage, could they? Christ. I’m taking the Giants like everyone else.

Minnesota @ Green Bay -3

Tony: I think Green Bay is in for a bitter, deflating afternoon. I know they want Favre to come in and melt under a mix of nostalgia and shame, but if this season has taught us anything, it’s that Bart Faver cares about no one but himself. I think he will handle Sunday’s unusual circumstances with no issues. Also he’s like a kid out there. Also, Green Bay’s O-line is shredded and Aaron Rodgers is going to spend the day giving Jared Allen mustache rides. Vikes.

Dick: The Vikings are really good and the Packers just had live scrimmages against the Browns and Lions and since the snow has not started falling in Wisconsin and Brett Favre is really, really pissed at Ted Thompson, the Vikings will win because Green Bay cannot stop him and Adrian Peterson at the same time because the Packers are just not three points better. I know this. I really, really do.

Sax: A normal person might be a little shaken by returning to what was his home stadium for 38 years to face thousands of bitter fans who might never forgive him for his defection to a division rival, but I think we’re all starting to realize that Brett Favre has more than a little Roger Clemens in him and doesn’t give a fuck. The bottom line is, Minnesota was the better team last week and should be undefeated right now. They will beat the shit out of the Packers.

Atlanta @ New Orleans -10

Tony: It would be foolish not to pick the Saints in this game. Falcons.

Dick: Ten points? Why not 20, Vegas? Have you seen Drew Brees and his “hair” lately? They’re at home! Have you seen their defense? I mean, Atlanta’s no slouch, but New Orleans puts up 34 points before they even get morning wood. I’ll take New Orleans along with a “new” house in the Lower Ninth Ward while I’m at it, bitches.

Sax: Has New Orleans failed to cover yet? I don’t think so. Gotta keep backing them (said the retard with the 12-16 record).

Standings
1. Tony (18-10) (2-2 last week)
2. Dick (13-15) (1-3 last week)
3. Sax (12-16) (0-4 last week)