NEXT OF KIN

So just to be clear, this guy was killed when hounds chased him into a bus full of snakes.

NAVY SEALS

Oooooooh! Navy SEALS!

TOP GUN

Sweaty young studs fly planes, shower together.

ALIENS (1986)

Bitches man, bitches.

THE THING

Kurt Russell and his hat burn several aliens dead.

EYE OF THE TIGER

The bigger the teeth, the mightier the cock.

STEEL DAWN

Tagline: He is the desert warrior, carving the future with his sword. Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence: Patrick Swayze stands on his head for freedom. Homoeroticism: Swayze always did his best to cater to the leathercrowd, and he tips his cap once again to those whoneed to see him in […]

THE NICK & JESSICA VARIETY HOUR

Matt Cale loses his shit.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER

Released: 1992 Jimmy–Mike from Hobart’s Big Brother–tries his hand… Tagline: The Future Has a Bad Attitude. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Ghosts of Vietnam are no match for Belgian ass. Homoeroticism: Well, to be honest, I was initially confused by the early appearance of the female lead. Shes a tough-talking, […]

COMMANDO

More than you could possibly imagine. I mean all the crap about Arnold being Der Gropin’fuhrer was just a rightwing-ruse to distract Californians from the fact that Schwarzenegger has starred in the single gayest movie ever made.