THE THING

Kurt Russell and his hat burn several aliens dead.

EYE OF THE TIGER

The bigger the teeth, the mightier the cock.

STEEL DAWN

Tagline: He is the desert warrior, carving the future with his sword. Entire Story in Fewer Words than are in this Sentence: Patrick Swayze stands on his head for freedom. Homoeroticism: Swayze always did his best to cater to the leathercrowd, and he tips his cap once again to those whoneed to see him in […]

THE NICK & JESSICA VARIETY HOUR

Matt Cale loses his shit.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER

Released: 1992 Jimmy–Mike from Hobart’s Big Brother–tries his hand… Tagline: The Future Has a Bad Attitude. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Ghosts of Vietnam are no match for Belgian ass. Homoeroticism: Well, to be honest, I was initially confused by the early appearance of the female lead. Shes a tough-talking, […]

COMMANDO

More than you could possibly imagine. I mean all the crap about Arnold being Der Gropin’fuhrer was just a rightwing-ruse to distract Californians from the fact that Schwarzenegger has starred in the single gayest movie ever made.