PREDATOR

The great states of California and Minnesota.

COP AND A HALF

Burt Reynolds is a murdering sociopath pederast with a case of jungle fever, but his real flaw is that he’s a cop.

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM

Back in the 1980’s, Google didn’t exist; therefore, nobody knew the truth about anything.

CANNONBALL RUN

America before The Fall

THE A-TEAM SEASON ONE EPISODES 3-5 AND MALT LIQUORS OF THE WORLD (A Journal)

The A-Team were homosexuals.

HELLBOUND

A Chuck Norris film produced by Cannon, directed by Aaron Norris, and featuring heavy allusions to Kurosawa. Seriously.

THE EXPENDABLES

Chose Your Weapon.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: REGENERATION

Reanimated. Rearmed. The Ultimate Rematch.

THE 10 MOST AWESOME 80s ACTION DEATHS

Impaled, eviscerated, immolated, defenestrated, dismembered, decapitated, fustigated, detonated … injected with sperm. We’re like Gilbert and Sullivan over here.

AIRWOLF AND CHEAP BEER: A JOURNAL (episodes 10-14)

Mother of God.