Category: 80s Action
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Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
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Read more: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (1985)Tagline: Two men enter, one man leaves, unless there are special needs. Entire Story in Fewer Words Than Are in This Sentence: Max is banished for refusing to kill a grinning retard. Homoeroticism: Like in The Road Warrior, many men are dressed like they are going to a gay bondage convention, but the homoeroticism is…
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Eye of the Tiger
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Read more: Eye of the TigerThe bigger the teeth, the mightier the cock.
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The Dead Pool (1988)
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Read more: The Dead Pool (1988)Tagline: Dirty Harry Just Learned A New Game Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Movies don’t kill people, Dirty Harry does. Homoeroticism: Early on, we see a young Jim Carrey (as rock star Johnny Squares) prancing around in a leather outfit to the tune of “Welcome to the Jungle,” but that’s…
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Sudden Impact (1983)
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Read more: Sudden Impact (1983)Tagline: Two killers are at large. One of them is Dirty Harry. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Revenge is best served with a comically farting dog. Homoeroticism: All in all, this is probably the most disappointingly hetero movie in the whole series, as Harry gets closer to a woman than…
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Magnum Force (1973)
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Read more: Magnum Force (1973)Tagline: This time the bullets are hitting pretty close to home! Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Harry could just kill his Stupid Chief this time. Homoeroticism: Once again limited almost exclusively to the fetishization of guns, beginning with the opening credits sequence, which consists of a very long shot of…
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Savage Streets (1984)
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Read more: Savage Streets (1984)After starring in The Exorcist at the tender age of fourteen, the world was Linda Blair’s pea green vomit-covered oyster. She followed up that groundbreaking horror classic with the stodgily directed TV movie Born Innocent and the much-mocked Airport 1975, whose main contribution to cinema was helping birth the glorious Airplane! In spite of their…
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Dirty Harry (1971)
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Read more: Dirty Harry (1971)Tagline: Dirty Harry and the homicidal maniac. Harry’s the one with the badge. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Only bullets can repair a broken system. Homoeroticism: Limited almost exclusively to the fetishization of guns, which of course represent dicks in the 80s Action canon, of which this is arguably the…
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Eight Wince-Inducing Moments in Movies*
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Read more: Eight Wince-Inducing Moments in Movies*Sew Tough! I was about fourteen when I first caught First Blood on home video, the perfect age to vicariously revel in such macho histrionics. Immediately afterwards, I ran outside, knocked the first motorcyclist I saw to the ground, and headed off for the woods at breakneck speed with an imaginary entire police force hot…
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Death Race 2000
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Read more: Death Race 2000The greatest film of all time. To involve David Carradine.
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Invasion U.S.A
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Read more: Invasion U.S.AMatt Hunter is tired. Once a proud Company Man, and one of the few on the payroll with full beard and bare chest, he’s more a Lion in Winter circa 1985, with nothing left to prove and no arms left to break. Leaving behind a world on the brink, he’s retired to Florida … the…