Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Film Title

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Synopsis

The result of 10,000 computers vomiting for 2 hours and 17 minutes.

Director

Luc Besson

Cast

Dane DeHaan
Cara Delevingne
Clive Owen (Seriously)
Ethan Hawke (Seriously)
Rihanna
Herbie Hancock
Rutger Hauer
Sam Spruell

Oh, dear god. Imagine if Jupiter Ascending and John Carter had a baby. Then, imagine if they used that baby as the ball in a game of kickball. Finally, imagine the two star players of the game had all the chemistry, charisma, and playing skills of the goose poop scattered on the field. That is […]

War for the Planet of the Apes

Film Title

War for the Planet of the Apes

Synopsis

There is no war, only the moral compass of the Monkeys

Director

Matt Reeves

Cast

Andy Serkis
Woody Harrelson
Steve Zahn
Karin Konoval
Amiah Miller
Terry Notary

War for the Planet of the Apes. l’ll have to say that I looked forward to this movie with a fair amount of expectation. Why? Nothing else has really excited me this year since Get Out. Alien:Covenant was quite good, but the fanboy crying about it virtually ruined it for me. Free Fire was fun, […]

Wish Upon

Film Title

Wish Upon

Synopsis

A high school girl makes wishes that end in unintentional comedy and novelty deaths.

Director

John R. Leonetti

Cast

Joey King
Ryan Phillippe
Ki Hong Lee
Mitchell Slaggert
Shannon Purser
Sydney Park
Elisabeth Rohm
Josephine Langford

Kind of some obvious wishes did not get made. Sometimes, you have to be in the right mood to enjoy a movie, especially a bad one. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to a podcast called My Dad Wrote a Porno and it is arguably the funniest thing I’ve heard in my […]

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Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014)

Film Title

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014)

Synopsis

Anyone who has to sit through this mess of a movie is having a bad day

Director

Miguel Arteta

Cast

Steve Carell
Jennifer Garner
Ed Oxenbould
Dylan Minnette
Keris Dorsey
Bella Thorne

ALEXANDER AND THE TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY (2014): It’s hard to figure out what demographic the film makers were aiming for. With a script that includes penis jokes, stripper jokes, poop jokes, and sex jokes, it is hardly appropriate for children. On the other hand, it is simply too brain dead for […]

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Film Title

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Synopsis

Tom Holland and Marvel help us forget 13 years and 3 movies of shame.

Director

Jon Watts

Cast

Tom Holland
Michael Keaton
Marisa Tomei
Robert Downey Jr.
Jon Favreau
Zendaya
Donald Glover

Now we can argue about the best Spider-Man actor. Do you realize it’s been thirteen years since the last good Spider-Man film? Spider-Man 2 was the last good one and Andrew Garfield was not better than Tobey Maguire. Yeah, I said it. The Amazing Spider-Man was bland and Garfield’s portrayal was mediocre and not sympathetic. […]

Baby Driver

Film Title

Baby Driver

Director

Edgar Wright

Cast

Ansel Elgort
Kevin Spacey
Jon Hamm
Jamie Foxx
Eiza Gonzalez
Lily James
Jon Bernthal
CJ Jones

Worst title ever? In the context of the film, the title makes perfect sense. The main character is named Baby, he’s a getaway driver for heists, and he’s really young. In the context of wanting to sell more movie tickets, it’s maybe the worst title ever. When I first saw it on the advanced screening […]

The Misunderstood-Iceman

We are all gay for Iceman over here.

Into the Inferno

Film Title

Into the Inferno

Synopsis

Herzog’s amazing insight into the most powerful forces on earth, and their influence on our belief system.

Director

Werner Herzog

Cast

Werner Herzog
Clive Oppenheimer

“There is not a single volcano in Indonesia that is not connected to a belief system.” -Herzog, Into the Inferno The Chicken Church If you were expecting a scientific, National Geographic type documentary on volcanoes, you apparently are not familiar with Werner Herzog. Here at Ruthless we don’t generally give gods much thought, but Werner […]

Despicable Me 3

Film Title

Despicable Me 3

Synopsis

Gru and family fight the 1980s.

Director

Pierre Coffin and Kyle Balda

Cast

Steve Carrell
Kristen Wiig
Trey Parker
Miranda Cosgrove
Dana Gaier
Nev Scharrel
Pierre Coffin

How to entertain children and adults at the same time. As a kid of the eighties, Despicable Me 3 managed to remind me of how completely stupid was that entire decade. Stupid clothes, stupid trends, stupid catch phrases, and some really, really stupid music. Despicable Me 3 put those things back in the spotlight, simultaneously […]