THE ABC’S OF SEX EDUCATION FOR TRAINABLE PERSONS

This was supposed to be the absolute Holy Fucking Grail.

The 2 Best Films of 2005

For me, 2005 was a year best forgotten. At least I assume so, since I can barely remember any of it. I think I got out to the theater twice, and each time sitting in the dark without any intoxicants to extinguish my thoughts was such a trial, that I kept looking up and expecting […]

Syriana

Written and Directed by Stephen Gaghan Starring: – Kayvan Novak as Arash – George Clooney as Bob Barnes – Amr Waked as Mohammed Sheik Agiza – Christopher Plummer as Dean Whiting – Jeffrey Wright as Bennett Holiday – Chris Cooper as Jimmy Pope Why on earth do I continue to see movies like Syriana? Why, […]

DEATH RACE 2000

The greatest film of all time. To involve David Carradine.

UNIVERSAL SOLDIER

Released: 1992 Jimmy–Mike from Hobart’s Big Brother–tries his hand… Tagline: The Future Has a Bad Attitude. Entire Story In Fewer Words Than Are In This Sentence: Ghosts of Vietnam are no match for Belgian ass. Homoeroticism: Well, to be honest, I was initially confused by the early appearance of the female lead. Shes a tough-talking, […]

AGUIRRE DER ZORN GOTTES

Written and Directed by Werner Herzog Starring: – Klaus Kinski as Don Lope de Aguirre – Helena Rojo as Inez – Del Negro as Brother Gaspar de Carvajal – Ruy Guerra as Don Pedro de Ursua – Peter Berling as Don Fernando de Guzman Watching Aguirre: Wrath of God you realize that Apocalypse Now is […]

MY BEST FIEND

Kinski/Herzog fucking rule. Period.

MUNICH

Spielberg’s finest, and certainly his bravest.

METALLICA: SOME KIND OF MONSTER

I’m just going to say this up front: Metallica: Some Kind of Monster is funnier than Spinal Tap. Holy shit, I haven’t had a good laugh like that in a long time. See, in Spinal Tap the theme was the same–once dominant rock band falls from grace and does their damndist to get “it” back–but […]

COMMANDO

More than you could possibly imagine. I mean all the crap about Arnold being Der Gropin’fuhrer was just a rightwing-ruse to distract Californians from the fact that Schwarzenegger has starred in the single gayest movie ever made.