THE DA VINCI CODE

Jesus Christ, poonhound.

THE PROPOSITION

Is it possible to be both beautiful and dull? Striking, yet on the whole, a complete waste of time?

ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL

Holding snooty, painfully untalented art students (hell, artists in general) up to ridicule might not sound like the peak of…

STREET FIGHT

There are thousands of bumbling, mouth-breathing cretins who drag their clubbed feet to the polls every election expecting miracles.

MALONE

“Ex-Cop. Ex-CIA. Ex-Plosive!”

MARKED FOR DEATH

This one is just a mess of mixed and/or stupid messages. Seagal is a combatant in the war on drugs, which means that drugs have to be ridiculously vilified. We take a brief and amusing trip into Nancy Reaganís deluded nightmares…

MCBAIN

MENDOZAAAAAA!!!!!!!!1

MISSING IN ACTION

Norris visits Bangkok and turns down an offer of a $10 hooker.

MISSING IN ACTION 2: THE BEGINNING

When America needs a catharsis, gooks die.

BRADDOCK: MISSING IN ACTION III

When we first see Norris, he’s reduced to a moustache, but quickly grows back the beard that made him a cuddly, bear-like hunk.