CBS

I’ve watched Becker on CBS a couple of times, but in my defense it was probably as an alternative to Hope and Faith, and I even had mute on. Since all TV shows follow generic formats these days, I was still able to discern the gist of the show, sans sound. It revolves around this guy in the Bronx who has a forehead large enough to build a landing strip on. He is a sardonic, contemptuous, cynical misanthrope. He is at all times uncompassionate, impatient, and irritable, so of course he is a doctor. But the realism ends there. Always the masochist, he hangs out in a deli with people that annoy the crap out of him, including Jake, a blind newsstand owner who is amazingly never robbed; Bob, a perverted, narcissistic sleaze ball (think Family Guy‘s Quagmire, but one thirty-second as funny); and Reggie, the cantankerous deli owner, played by Terry Farrell, AKA Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, a cast addition sure to please all the fans of sci-fi porn and furry conventions that constitute the bulk of CBS's audience. There are other cast members, but I would rather drown in a waste treatment plant than watch another episode to get their names.

Yes, I read lips.

Becker has the worst writers of any TV show I have ever seen. Each “joke” relies solely on the use of irony, followed by a laugh track that spreads like a contagion to the empty-headed dopes watching at home, like a Pavlovian experiment that has gone horribly wrong. This is an actual joke -- and every joke -- you’ll see on the show: Becker takes a drag of his cigarette, then criticizes people with addictions. Laugh track. Great job, morons, you know how to create an incongruity between what Becker says and what he does. What is with the widespread use of the laugh track, anyway? Becker uses it, not because the show induces laughter, but rather, because it doesn’t. There's some irony. Does Family Guy need to “inform” their audience that they just heard a joke? Does Curb Your Enthusiasm? The Simpsons? I used to laugh hysterically during ER -- no laugh track there. Seinfeld did have a laugh track, but Seinfeld sucked -- I can only take so many observations about airplane food anyway. The laugh track has become foolproof evidence that what you are watching is concentrated dog shit. Like Becker.

Becker was cancelled after six seasons in 2004, only to be revived through the horrors of syndication. In its defense, there was one babe on the show. However, counting against the show was her lack of involvement in a much-needed lesbian mud-wrestling scene. Becker’s other secretary was fat and annoying, which brings me to another point. Whenever a female is needed for a role, why cast an ugly fat ass? That’s like jerking off to the phone book when you could be giving Jennifer Esposito anal. You automatically score some points with millions of horny geeks sitting at home on Friday night when you cast long legs and big breasts, a sure way to boost your ratings. Look at Stacked. My advice to CBS: make your jokes funny (the same goes for you, David Letterman), cast large tits and larger asses for all female roles, and stop rubbing my face in this utter shit and telling me it’s chocolate cake.

And more lesbian scenes.

Review Posted: 9.24.05