Another day, another desperate American teacher caught fucking a student. This time, a 32-year-old female teacher at Elizabeth High School in Colorado was arrested after riding a young buck from the football team in a Glenwood Springs hotel room with her children sleeping nearby, no less. It seems her divorce had been finalized just one day before, and she wanted to celebrate by proving she could bed a boy fifteen years her junior. Consider it a success. Needless to say, there’s nothing at all criminal or immoral about the assignation, as it is a cruel joke to think that a teenage boy could ever be raped or “pressured” into banging an older woman against his will. That’s not the argument I wish to make. In fact, I fully support these young men in their quests, and believe it is incumbent on all high school gentlemen to taste the flesh of a woman no less than twice his age before running off to college. The biggest regret of my own life is that I never had a Mrs. Robinson, as I’m sure it would have been a confidence booster like nothing else. Who knows, it may have inspired me to achieve great things, such as asking a chick out for a date once in a while. Instead, I was consigned to the ash bin of prostitution; not one I regret, mind you, though it would have been nice to use the cash to build up my DVD collection instead of splurging on hurried, awkward sex.

No, this is not a sanctimonious judgment of teachers and their “prey”. I’m jealous that I never got any, but that’s as far as it goes. Instead, the continual -- and seemingly unending -- exposure of female teachers and their young male escorts is part of a much bigger problem, one that goes to the very heart of education itself: chicks do not belong in the teaching profession. Perhaps it could be argued that it is acceptable for females to waste away in pre-schools or kindergartens, largely because these “classrooms” are one but step removed from child care, but even there, some harm is being done. Simply put, women are not, and never have been, educators. That is not their motivation when they enter the profession, nor is it the initial inspiration when they chart their professional course. Imparting information, stimulating the intellect, or shepherding young minds from wide-eyed wonder to analytical discipline has nothing at all to do with a set of ovaries standing before a row of desks. Perhaps it did when teaching was the only form of employment open to the fairer sex, but now, in an age of choice and relative gender equality, the only reason a woman seeks the status of teacher is to be around kids. Initially, of course, it’s because they love playing with them, speaking their language, and competing in games and activities that have nothing to do with higher brain functions, but as the years (and grades) pass, it becomes about fucking. If there is a woman standing before a group of high school students, for example, it is so that she may secure a few dates (likely outside her marriage), perhaps even a post-assembly copulation under the gym stairs.

I firmly believe that of the two genders, women retain the greatest amount of self-loathing, and as such have no real conception of happiness. At every stage, from youth to parenthood, women hate their lives, and whether it’s self-sabotage or ferocious competition among each other for physical supremacy, women are their own worst enemies. In fact, men haven’t had a thing to do with their so-called oppression in decades. In possession of such monstrously low self-esteems, then, women enter the teaching field, which is surely the most masochistic profession ever conceived by the mind of man. No one who values the human mind dares consider it, and if it becomes a goal to fulfill, it is usually the result of a fear that the real world would instantly discover one’s inadequacies. Teaching buries this mediocrity; in fact, it channels it into all sorts of other possibilities, as gross negligence is rarely punished, and coasting by on superficial charm has become a way of life for those who wield the chalk. I used to think that women dominated the school system because of a sexist tracking policy that encouraged little else, but having matured a bit since then, I now know that their disproportionate presence is quite deliberate. As most teaching does not require being the master of, well, anything (again, I speak solely of K-12 here, reserving my own special contempt for college professors), women can move quite easily from weekend babysitting duties to taking roll and preparing nap mats for better pay, as well as union protection. It’s a great gig, and they’re more than up for it.

Female supremacy has also encouraged one of the more unsavory elements of contemporary education: being a friend, rather than a teacher. It’s no accident that the tarts being brought before judges across the country are under 35, for we know that women don’t reach full maturity until their mid-40s. In their 20s, which is quite common for teachers these days, a woman barely out of her teenage years is asked to lead -- with authority, mind you -- a group of kids who hate being there, have even more contempt for learning than the teachers, and, if male, are in possession of near-constant erections. Grade inflation, the elimination of standards, and the fanatical devotion to make-up exams, re-tests, extended times, and a host of “learning disabled”- related bullshit that erases the very idea of accountability surely make the classroom experience no place for the gifted or serious-minded, but the whore in high heels leading the circus is more to blame than any unfortunate straw man. If she must be reduced to a stereotype, so be it, but one of life’s great secrets is that stereotypes are the one thing we can count on to be true in almost all cases.

And so, let us deconstruct this trollop: married young, now despairing of a wasted life, she is lower- to lower-middle class in origin, community college trained, and most likely, a mother. Perhaps molested as a young girl, she has come to see all sex as a power play, and by inflicting pain on a student, she is seeking unconscious vengeance for the crimes of youth. I don’t really believe all that, of course, but it sounds exactly like the defense you’d hear in court. Oh, and throw in a bi-polar disorder for good measure. In truth, the women who fuck their male students are of sound mind and body, and know exactly what they’re doing. They aren’t sick, or victims, or in any way troubled. They are, in fact, merely fulfilling their end of the bargain as they see it. They fuck young studs because they want to feel young and attractive all over again, not because they have unresolved daddy issues. They drink and screw around at parties with their students because their maturity level is on par with, not superior to, the kiddies, as we would expect given that the education racket does little to encourage nobler aspirations. It’s why so many kids can’t read, or why math and science have been devalued into non-existence, or why dropout rates are sky high. Sure, kids are dumb as rocks because they value their stash more than the written word, but when they enter the classroom, they are fed the line that self-esteem comes before accomplishment, rather than being its product, and therefore expect to be pandered to at every turn. And chicks are the one to do it, too. In a nutshell, our kids are a mess because women spend eight hours a day, five days a week, inflicting upon them their shattered, appalling worldview. It was bound to reach a breaking point.

What is to be done? Of course, I realize that if women are removed from teaching posts, male teachers will continue to fuck those under their care (boys and girls alike), but providing supple, young breasts or glistening, tender thighs to the all-male staff is a small sacrifice to make for improved test scores. And what’s more, we give men their balls back, and let them run their classrooms like a private fiefdom; complete with corporal punishment, unforgiving exams, and yes, even failing grades when they are warranted. Without the obnoxious giggling fits that pass for lectures, or lives as dysfunctional train wrecks that turn each and every session into a bad soap opera, men can crack down and start turning out keen minds once again. Remember Mr. Chips? Impossible today, as he’d be dismissed a sad fossil; a relic of a more authoritarian time when you were actually expected to live up to impossibly high expectations. Since the broads took over, we’ve heard all about “emotional intelligence”, but little about the transfer of ideas. We’ve heard -- and been forced to accept -- every excuse under the sun for why the kids can’t turn in a goddamn assignment on time, but nothing about books that change lives. While these sluts have been flirting, and preening, and exchanging A’s for anal, the American classroom has crashed, burned, and been frittered away, perhaps beyond repair. I would never suggest that the kitchen is the only good place for a woman, but at long last, let us finally admit that if they must be in those once hallowed halls, let it be sitting down in the seats at rapt attention, with a nice, tight sweater for Teacher. Excuse me, Mister Teacher.