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TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME

by Mike from Hobart

#10: IT

IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) in one of his Via Dolorosa-era photos cleans up in the #10 slot. Does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin' black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all, he's in a cave with a large hunting knife, but by the way that thing is glowing, you'd think Orcs were near. Go, black metal Frodo, go!

#9: Fenriz

Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metalers. In almost every choreographed photo, he's either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky, no doubt cursing Jesus for not giving him enough money to record a decent album.

 

#8: Gorgoroth


Wait, are those suspenders? Oh, fuck, you gotta be kidding me. And he's got his hair in a ponytail. Not only that, but I believe he's carrying a scythe. He's a fucking black metal farmer! Jesus Christ, this picture is gay. What's up with the hooded avenger in the back? And who is that goliath motherfucker? Holy shit, that guy is huge! Don't fuck with Gorgoroth, man!

 

#7: Old Man's Child

Damn right these guys look old. They're all fucking bald! Did Crowbar turn into a black metal band when I wasn't looking? Apparently, baldness has found a niche in the black metal scene. It's OK to be bald if you're in a black metal band, because being bald evidently means you are evil. And don't wear your own band's t-shirt to the fucking photo shoot, dude, that's just a metal faux pas.

 

#6: Dark Funeral

Don't get me wrong, Dark Funeral is the shit. But this photo is not. Actually, I should say they were the shit until David Parland took off. Anyway, Lord Ahriman is fucking fat. Notice his belly hanging out from under the leather-daddy vest. His generic, upside-down-cross shin guards are pretty fucking absurd too. What's up with the bondage theme, anyway? How about those chains on the ground? It's obvious that the band is going to tie up and fuck the guy on the left. He's already waiting with his hand on his crotch. Hell, maybe this should have been #5.

 

#5: Dimmu Borgir


The bald guy makes this picture #5, hands down. This is some seriously shoddy corpse paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a fucking alien! As with Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir's pics have gotten more ridiculous with time, i.e., the presence of top hats, vampire teeth, capes, etc. Terrible!

 

#4: Dani Filth

Dani from Cradle of Filth comes in fourth only because he is so incredibly gay. First of all, there is no black metal band that has sold out quite like Cradle of Filth. Secondly, there is no other black metal band that loves to have pictures taken of them as much as Cradle of Filth. And lastly, Dani always has to be doing something stupid and/or gay in virtually all of the band photos. Why? Well, he's obviously watched Interview With a Vampire one too many times. The theatrics just need to stop. This is one of his few un-Photoshopped pics. STOP IT! Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden.

 

#3: Immortal

What exactly is going on here? Is this the new WWF tag team? Horgh looks like he's ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He's been drinking too much Smirnoff Ice (that's what they drink backstage, by the way). Abbath looks like he just saw the fucking boogey man and doesn't know whether to run or stay and shit his pants.

 

#2: Immortal (again)
http://web.archive.org/web/20051223135428/http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm2.jpg

Immortal take the #2 spot with this pic, and for good reason. LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING SHIN GUARDS! Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team? Horgh wins #2 for the evil goalie look. But that's not all. What about Abbath's weapon!? What the fuck is that? It looks more like the Bat Signal than an axe. I just don't know what to think, actually. Last but not least is Iscariah. The leather pants. The chainmail. The belt that turns said chainmail into a skirt. Ask, but I think Bennett developed that look in Commando. The only reason why this photo didn't make #1 is because of the lack of taxidermy.

 

#1: Satyricon

This is the most ridiculous black metal pic for three reasons. One, the stuffed eagle. C'mon, guys, you're not fooling anyone. Two, Nocturno Culto, who is notorious for taking tacky black metal pics. And three, for Frost's homemade arm bands complete with 10" carpentry nails. Seriously, it looks like he punched a fucking porcupine to death. Not to mention his tight spandex pants. That's not very black metal. Or maybe it is.

 

Bonus Pic:


Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn't get more ridiculous, Abbath unzips his fucking pants! Holy Mother of God, this is horrible! Apparently, he did the entire photo shoot with his fucking fly down. He's covering his crotch in the number #2 picture, but here, in all of his unholy glory, Abbath bares it all for the fans. Seriously, he may as well have done the picture nude. I just don't get it. I mean, the ax is bad enough, but this just flat-out destroys the attempt to be evil. I think this might be the first instance where a black metal icon has posed in a provocative, sexually inviting manner. Abbath, dude, you're not gonna get the ladies with this one!

TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME Review
The Re-Horghening
by Mike from Hobart
Viewed: 63487 Times
Posted: 6.9.07

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USER FEEDBACK


well...
since when was cradle of filth black metal?! I believe, since, about... never. Yes, Dani is gay and horrible and everything disgusting and unlikeable in the book, still he and COF should not be in any relation to Black metal not even on the same topic as Black metal. I've always seen them as goth metal or vampiric metal, you know stuff for the dramatic gothlings.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
fsfdsgsfdg on 6/11/2007 @ 2:52:21
Oh dear
Shame on you guys for leeching off archive.org for hosting to your own images. The pictures still make me laugh though.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Ohno on 6/13/2007 @ 10:36:47
nsbm
you wouldn't dare to say this to they're faces, and dark funeral is not the shit, they are not niggers. if you talk about bm then at least try not to talk like a nigger. I have to say you are right at one point dani filth is in the biggest fag walking around in the metalscene atm. But CoF is no bm, so please dont post his picture under a bm topic. Now please go fuck yourself you are a sad fuck.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
nsbm@nsbm.nl on 6/19/2007 @ 10:8:36
tsk tsk
"Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden." What the hell? Helsinki the capital of Finland you dumb shit! The band is actually from England and not from Sweden. But I agree, Dani Filth is gay.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Dani on 6/25/2007 @ 8:43:02
Filth is right!!
I must say, Cradle of Filth are the BIGGEST sellout excuse for black metal if ever i've seen one!! And the Dani Filth pic?? It's VERY obvious it hasn't been re-touched.... For F#*!s sake, he should get his teeth bleached to match his "I'm a goth" complexion. Sad, VERY sad! Thanks 4 the laugh guys, u always deliver!!
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
Metal as Fuck on 6/28/2007 @ 10:50:40
Pffffft
lmao, you black metal fuckers are really kidding yourselves if you think those spandex enthusiasts are hardcore. sorry dude, I don't think you need shin guards to play guitar, and I don't think anyone is going to be shooting flaming arrows at you from the audience, so the chain mail is really not necessary. these bands are nothing but a very translucent and corny image, their "music" sounds like a fart into a trash can, and i really hope their parents are ashamed.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Ya Momma on 7/1/2007 @ 3:22:46
imekää munaa
mitä helvettiä, hyvä teiän on haukkua jotain mistä ette tajuu paskaakaan. sitä paitsi kuvat ovat mielestäni saatanan hienoja että katsokaa niitä omia naamojanne ja viiltäkää ranteenne auki niin kyllä se siitä. aijoo muuten jos löydän vielä yhdenkin tälläisen sivun niin mä manaan teiät kaikki. no en mut kuitenkin HAISTAKAA PITKÄ PASKA!
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Jeesus the great on 7/2/2007 @ 12:37:12
wtf
that number 2 pic of immortal is fuckin awesome, i dont see why its on here maan
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
El Scumo on 7/3/2007 @ 4:9:24
Ms. Tsk Tsk
" tsk tsk "Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden." What the hell? Helsinki the capital of Finland you dumb shit! The band is actually from England and not from Sweden. But I agree, Dani Filth is gay. Dani on 6/25/2007 @ 8:43:02" ****** NO SHIT SHERLOCK???????? ever heard about some thing called IRONY??? and what about SARCASM??? DOH! dumb bastards...
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Eris on 7/8/2007 @ 2:18:35
Sir Top Hat
The #5 pic looks like Charlie Chaplin walked in on a Dimmu Borgir photo shoot.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
plague angel on 7/14/2007 @ 6:24:15
FUCKEEEEEEEEERS!!!!!!!
WTF?COF FROM HELS, WHTS WRONG WITH U U PIECE OF SHIT THEY RE FROM ENGLAND! AND THEY HAVE BEST MUSIC AND DANI IS NOT A FAGGOT CAUSE OF HIS DRESSING THEY HAVE MELODIC RHYTMS U CAN LISTEN TO THEM. DARK FUNERAL? U CANT LISTEN TO THEM THEY ONLY CRY TO MIC. FUCKERS!!! COF IS NOT BM SO NEXT TIME REMOVE THEM U SUMMON BITCH. SATYRICON (SATAN HOCKEY) WELL THATS GOOD
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
cofcofcof on 7/15/2007 @ 8:32:24
shit hahahaha
okokokok i love reading these things! im always drowning in my tears from laughing. i love immortal, but the things he says. god sooo funny. the one before this was funnier but 5 out of 5 stars
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
hahahha on 7/19/2007 @ 5:25:08
Look I'm Evil ooooh
Why the fuck do musicians think its important to use make up and clothes to sell their shit. If they really believe in their creation they shouldn't have beef it up with lame grease paint and leather. Play your instrument and write albums that stand on their own. In the end no one cares how ugly you are. You don't bang ya head to a picture. Mayby these posiers are sooo ugly the have to wear make up just to get lame pussy.
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
JMS72 on 7/21/2007 @ 7:4:36
me ok?!?!?!
you peace of shit why do u make fun of these bands????? they are great and u laugh at them as if ther nothing!!but ur rong about cradle of filth SOME of ther songs ARE black metal u kunt
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
6srujfyt on 7/23/2007 @ 5:23:36
Living proof
I think this is proof that black metal and emo must be related somehow.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Cory on 7/27/2007 @ 3:50:15
hi...
OI u lil muppets frm hell how cud u fucking say that cradle of filth are gay, frm sweden and all the other bollcoks ure only fucking jealous of dani cos hes alot more fucking handsome than u guys and cos hes got a load of money and also a family and cos they make the best music ever to b created were as u lot aint got nothing u worthless bent mofos and all those bands are great ecs dimmu borgir there fucking awesome same as stayricon so GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT FIRST U FUCKWITS
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
gordon on 8/5/2007 @ 8:59:17
fukk
what a crap...the first album of cof "the principle of evil made flesh"+all demo tapes are black metal!-cof is one of the best band in this fucking world...dani is not gay! you are gay! fucker!
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
stabwound on 8/5/2007 @ 6:45:47
you kiddin right?
wtf that number 2 pic of immortal is fuckin awesome, i dont see why its on here maan Rating: 1 out of 5 stars If you think that pic is "awesome" then you have real mental problems dude.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
chile on 8/14/2007 @ 5:21:32
Corpsepaint
I don't know what's most fun. The pictures with coments or all whining coments from the 12 - 13 year old kids. It looks like they're the ones being insulted, not the bands!
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
A classic :) on 8/25/2007 @ 3:54:54
jaded bitch
HA haha hahaha...it is indeed hilarious to view such ridiculous commentaries. Cradle of Filth's music the best to be created? Well, maybe for those who are not aware of what music is. If we must discuss the topic taxonomically, Cradle of Filth certainly DOES NOT FALL under the category of black metal. I mean, having so many spotless and truly excellent examples in bands of this genre, WHY THE FUCK DO THEY DARE INSULT IT BY INCLUDING SUCH DEGRADABLE SHIT AS CRADLE OF FILTH, WHICH IS MADE PRECISEL
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
On the Cradle of Filth sub topic and to their Advocates on 9/3/2007 @ 10:53:13
nice pictures, really.
hey brainiacs, your pics are all broken.
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
Mer on 9/4/2007 @ 11:56:23
!
Helsinki Isn't in Sweden!
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
!! on 9/6/2007 @ 8:20:51
ur a cunt
hey just tumbled upon wen i was practically doing nothin ......n wat i found was even more shitty....seems nihilists hide behind their mommas asses smell the fart n watever they eva say has to be nuthin bt a synergy of worthlessness and no-real-work-to-do motherfuckers so keep on u piece of shit..instead of posting shit here u may as well speak the same shit in front of the people whom u so disgracefully adorn with ur own stupid descriptions...u eva did nething worthwhile ur whole life? ask
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
sad on 9/14/2007 @ 4:32:53
h
99% of black metal is garbage anyway. Whenever your you label your band as a genre, it tens to turn into pure shit. Regardless, this article was classic.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Foofmonger on 9/15/2007 @ 9:4:48
God bless humanity!
Wow, these are the most asinine comments I've ever read on any post in the history of the internet. Who lets these people procreate??? As for the article, it was mildly amusing, I do love the shinguard commentary.
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
julia on 9/18/2007 @ 6:31:11
Proof
The comments shown here pretty much prove what Black Metal and the like does to young minds. "fuck you mother fucker cunt shit motherfucker gay your gay dani is awesome fuck shit dick cunt piss I'm an angry motherfucker etc etc". Get a fucking life.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Alec on 9/19/2007 @ 11:43:20
Wait ...
Does anyone else think that Dani Filth looks a bit like Billy Corgan? Urgh.
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
Katharina on 9/30/2007 @ 11:58:38
I will fucking rip your heart
Hey , if you are so strong go and tell them in their face I bet they will rip your fucking heart you fucking stupid idiot, sitting there and hiding is the best you can do. Let us see face to face . BASTARD .EBANO KOPILE.BLACK METAL FOREVER
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
panonija on 10/5/2007 @ 1:14:53
JAJAJAJ
HEY MUTHERFUCKER KISS MY ASS!! YOU LIKE REGGAETON??? JAJA BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURROOOOO!!!
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
blackmetal on 10/9/2007 @ 10:10:40
"LOL"
These comments are hilarious. You black metal nuts sure take this crap seriously! It's fun to pick on you because you take it so seriously.
Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
asdf on 10/21/2007 @ 4:38:57
Good Stuff
Hellhammer did some session drumming with a christian unblack metal band. Also, these guys are goofy as hell. It reminds me of the good old days of Venom trying to beat the music out of their guitars while chanting what sounds like Black funky metal.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
shamuk on 10/26/2007 @ 1:3:40
Jesus Christ
What a fucking shit. I think black metal music is great. No any picture says "Black metal is gay". They are just made because those PICS are so gay. Some other pictures are not. UNDERSTOOD
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
palikka123@luukku.com on 11/3/2007 @ 11:45:13
it's all the same shit...the same big shit
ok....we have to make clear some points...1) what the hell is the problem with those people? stop burning down churches, monroes... what's the reason to make that? thor asked to you? 2) true norwegian black metal??? that's very, very gay, like rainbow flowers, or europeans... 3) norway, sweden, finlland... it's all the same shit, they all make the "true norwe...", just crap... 4) ur dumbass, you're not a vampire, stop the make up and these black clothes, fag..and stop the rpg, ur fuckin stupid i
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
hobbit cerelepe on 11/3/2007 @ 5:42:45
sqd
We must admit that thoose pictures are ridiculous,but there is so much ridiculous everywhere, just take a look in the mirror....I think the one who speak about the music simply don't play any instrument, or one but so bad.. and thooses who speak about europe,are you american?a country create slave and left behinds with no history and the most stupid people in the whole world?Don't speak please just eat more and more fat pigs.After if you love to speak and laugh about something you didn't know it
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
You'ramorron on 11/7/2007 @ 8:28:37
WEAK!!
YOU ARE ALL VERY WEAK!!!
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Dimitrios "Superior" Faust on 11/30/2007 @ 7:5:57
fuck you
I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE... how dare you compare emo to metal... who the fuck are you... i bet your emo... go cut your self and cry you sorry piece of shit... you are worthless and your parents dont love you... you were a mistake of drunken conception... go die
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
wafflezzz_666 on 12/3/2007 @ 9:45:06
Strange
I really assume that the ones who are yelling here about how gay someone is etc. etc. are new to "heavy". My opinion is just that all music is good but depending on who is listening. Ex. i can't handle rap,rnb etc. But i don't have a must to yell about how gayish it is. Please kids, GROW UP!
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
Strange on 1/25/2008 @ 8:36:53
...
I'm not sure what's funnier, the article or the comments.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Roar on 2/25/2008 @ 9:59:11
OKSAOKS
VITUN HOMOT
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
ASJAOSKOA@HOSDLK.COM on 3/5/2008 @ 8:28:04
CoF just a scapegoat
CoF has done some Black Metal albums, and the band is pretty good, but they've been made into a synonym for the things which made black metal popular and accessible as a genre. When a band's unpopular, people try to promote the band, when a band becomes popular, who gets blamed?
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
blackfuckingmurder@hushmail.com on 3/10/2008 @ 4:59:20
Wow...
Ok, I know this topic is probably dead by now, but I don't care. There really isn't much left to say about any of this, other than the fact that people still somehow manage to dilute themselves into thinking that CoF is a decent act is hilarious. CoF, Dimmu Borgir, Emperor, Satyricon, and many more died years ago. They sold out, wanted money and collectively took one giant shit on the music industry, and now black metal is almost a joke. Behemoth? Not even close to black metal, if not just a
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
~R~ on 3/18/2008 @ 11:46:00
Oh noes
Black metal... serious business.
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
Vargyvarg on 6/14/2008 @ 9:12:49
Nothing rediculous here
I love these what I like to refer to Visual Metal bands. And in my opinion who ever made this is an ignorant dumb ass and so are a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with this not in my book. And by the way gothic, symphonic, vampiric,Black, and to a lesser degree Death Metal are redundent esthetics.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Tamer of the B;ood Goddess on 6/19/2008 @ 1:34:06
Stop!
Hmm, you're all ridiculous. Go listen to Slayer now, before i'm angry.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Mr Leech on 7/15/2008 @ 12:31:56
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