2008-01-28

Most pieces written about this diminutive Lestat are swarmed upon by throngs of the shit-witted; every single word dismantled, rearranged, and cannibalized in a tragic parody of debate. It’s as if SkyNet became self-aware then suffered a major stroke. Just as it’s true that you can judge any book by its cover, you can judge a person by the type of monsters who vouch for them. Ron Paul’s libertarians have taken it upon themselves to cast the majority of Government actions as wasteful and have promised themselves a wonderland where people are untaxed, welfare is at a bare minimum if at all, and the King of England stays out of your face. As it follows, every presidential candidate needs a theme song, one that telegraphs a plagiarized set of emotions that seeks to capture the rapturous feelings of the uninformed masses that follow them. For Paul and his supporters, that song would be “Dancing With Myself.”

Ron Paul fandom (and oh yes, it is fandom) is a collection of mental illnesses poorly diagnosed, not unlike Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, depression, or being Jewish. There are no Ron Paul devotees who do not consider themselves libertarians – which poses a problem for this discussion, because not all libertarians are mentally ill. They are merely wrong. Even worse, these modern day Hare Krishna’s could no more explain to you the basic tenets of libertarianism beyond the standard mantra of “gaht damn federal government” than GW Bush could pronounce “encephalitis” correctly on his first try.

The rub is here, and the rub is queer, and we better get used to it: All stripes of weirdo death-cult, wannabe Heavens Gate and Branch Davidian, square-headed Danny Bonaduce-led racist outfits have strapped themselves to the patina of constitutional freedom because they know it’s the only way to avoid having ATF tanks roll over their necks. Under the wizard’s robe, a whole variety of little cockmonglers have thrived: UFO conspiracy handmaidens, survivalists, moon-landing nuts – the type of people who aren’t against big government, but the grown-up world in general.

At the same time, Paul has found a foothold across the political divide with young impressionable folk who have the clarity to see that something is critically wrong with the project of capitalistic democracy, but not the wit to realize that he’s the problem, not the cure. These devotees have a fantasy that Paul is about ending corruption, reorganizing power and doing away with interference. This fantasy is allowed to grow because so many people want these things, at such a high pitch, that they are willing to take any old cunt to get it. Ron Paul is any old cunt and common sense needs to win out.

Mr. Paul, pull up a seat, we need to talk.

The situation is this; the economy is fucked, poor people are three weeks away from resorting to mass cannibalism, your country has taken a giant Sunday morning shit on the dinner service of every country below, oh lets see, all the fucking meridians. Race, no matter how you think it’s played out until now, is going to play a major role in each of these things.

The problem isn’t issue 13 of the 1985 Ron Paul “Hang Dem Niggers High” Gazette – that’s actually fine. That just makes you dangerously thick and irresponsible to the point of clinical lunacy. The problem is not to be found in some obscure quote on which you so often claim to be misrepresented; the real problem is your dull-witted friends. Somewhere over the last year, ‘liberty’ has become a synonym for all sorts of freshman-level dick-sizing about the worst possible ideas for governance the human mind can produce. Worse yet, they’ve taken on the mantel of victim status and paranoia so completely that any slight is met with an orgasmic avalanche of New World Order, Trilateral Commission, second gunman on the grassy knoll finger pointing.

This brings us to his patois with the media. He is ‘pushed out of debates’ and ‘not taken seriously’ by a colluding fourth estate apparatus, according to the RLOVELUTION. In reality, Ron Paul is ignored by the media because he doesn’t offer them a product they can sell. What does Paul offer the media, a sub par professional wrestler once known as Isaac Yankem and a bit of bitching about Roe vs. Wade?

By making his exclusion part of his grand narrative of government control, his presence poisons the debate. Ron, you were excluded because you offer nothing. Now you sell yourself to college kids on the back that they were witness to your exclusion, to something dodgy happening. If they could film it with their cellphones and upload it to Youtube, they would.

So it’s that at every step he has shrouded a discussion of the real issue underneath the arcane conspiratorial rubric he specializes in to hide the fact that when push comes to shove, he’s just another conservative. He’s like George Costanza blaming his impotency on the fact that Elaine faked her orgasms with Jerry.

So, just to review, let’s see how the Shroud of Paul works:

Life Under the Ron Paul RLOVEUTION
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Paul Policy: Pulls troops out of Korea, Japan and Europe, pulls US out of NATO, UN, WTO, NAFTA.
What People See: America is great.
Reality: China is great.

Paul Policy: Pulls out of International Criminal Court completely.
What People See: Don't let my son be tried for war crimes.
Reality: War crimes.

Paul Policy: Pulling out of Iraq completely and immediately.
What People See: Less Iraq, More Britney!
Reality: Good idea, but war crimes and a destroyed Iraq ripe for the mullahs.

Paul Policy: Let Iran have the bomb.
What People See: No interference in international affairs.
Reality: Iran does the Kid-n-Play dance.

Paul Policy: Sending nothing but a ‘moral statement’ to Darfur instead of money and troops.
What People See: More money for Bush bonuses.
Reality: Darfur officially renamed 'The Badlands'.

Paul Policy: End to Free Trade Agreements.
What People See: They're taking our jobs!
Reality: They are taking your jobs anyway.

Paul Policy: Tighter border security.
What People See: A way to be racist without, ya know, being racist.
Reality: A shitty benefit concert with Gloria Estefan.

Paul Policy: Lower taxes / small government.
What People See: Little House on the Prairie.
Reality: Salute of the Jugger.

Paul Policy: No Department of Education.
What People See: A way to stop liberals from killing Christ in schools.
Reality: Salute of the Jugger, Blu-Ray Collector's Edition.

Paul Policy: No Federal Emergency Management of any kind.
What People See: Freedom to drive around on quad-bikes.
Reality: To r.paul@ronpaul.org, att: Katrina.jpg

Paul Policy: Return to the gold standard.
What People See: Confused by the word 'gold', believe it to be good.
Reality: Switzerland begins minting dubloons again.

Paul Policy: Freedom of religion (but not to be free from religion)
What People See: Christ is coming.
Reality: Cheap real estate in Utah.

Paul Policy: Bearing arms largely unregulated.
What People See: Red Dawn trailer.
Reality: Red Dawn.

Paul Policy: ‘Unshakable foe of abortion’; would let states decide (read: wants it banned but doesn’t have the balls)
What People See: Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
Reality: “the falcon cannot hear the falconer”, etc.

Paul Policy: Unworkable Constitution returned to its Articles of Confederation heyday.
What People See: A chance to start over?
Reality: Instead of large-scale corruption, all-encompassing corruption.