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Keef's PORN STASH 3--Texas Vibrator Massacre
by Keith
“This villain must not be a very smart one,” I thought as I prepared to view The Texas Vibrator Massacre, “vibrators are a notoriously ineffective implement of massacre. Unless I’m reading it wrong and the vibrators are the ones being massacred, screaming helplessly like phallic neon Mr Bills before being mushed into a pulp. No, that can’t be it,” I thought, “only the Christian Right would jerk off to that, and everyone knows their porn loyalty lies with the White Wife Black Cock series.”
The movie begins with a brief argument among a vanful of lost teenagers followed by a 13-minute sex scene. Wow, it must be hard work writing these real film-takeoff pornos…“Alright, so in the next scene of Schindler’s List (Of People I Want to Fuck), our two stars are under the floorboard hiding from the Nazis and then, hmm…[removes glasses and taps pen to mouth thoughtfully]…they do anal! OK, in the next scene, Peter North is keeping watch over the labor yard from the terrace and firing cumshots at the slow workers…” Anyway, the guy in this scene is hung like a horse, provided the horse has a two-and-a-half-inch cock. While performing fellatio on him, Bella Lynn simultaneously performs the embarrassing thumb-and-forefinger jerk—it’s safe to say you won’t be doing any Levitra commercials when the girls have to hold your dick like a teacup.
After our two fornicators are the first to be killed (see, black people? It’s not always you), Ruby Knox and her boyfriend knock frantically on the door of Jamie Elle, who responds to their predicament with the eloquence of a Special Olympic cheerleader. Ruby seems to take it pretty well when her man is led out of the room by a giggling dink in pigtails, and when an excessively tattooed weirdo walks into the room and begins creepily licking her arms and shoulders, she quickly falls under his spell—and here I’ve been busting my ass trying to think of clever pick-up lines! Meanwhile, after Jamie gulps down his sinkchildren, her new acquaintance goes in for a kiss, to which she responds “No! These lips are for my brother only!” and cuts off his arm with an axe and starts eating it. God, if I had a nickel…
Just as I was about to march back into the adult film store and chew the clerk out about the movie’s lack of an actual vibrator massacre, we get our first one at 52 minutes in. Our villain—we’ll stick with the name Leatherface since that probably pretty closely describes his performance in acting school—enlists the use of a motorized superdildo that looks like a joint inventive effort from MacGyver and Max Hardcore to dispatch Ruby before taking turns licking the cuntblood off the weapon with Daisy Tanks (Eew! He licked it right where she licked it!)
In the next scene, Jamie gets pooned by her partner in front of their unwilling captive, kind of like Lynndie England only without the cock. In what’s a rare sight in porn these days, Jamie takes the money shot right where God intended it. I hope she remembered her birth control--you’re probably in for a rough time in high school when your friends can boast that they’ve jerked off to you being conceived.
Roxy Deville seems surprisingly willing to get choded by Leather-“Can No Longer Look My Parents in the”-Face, considering he is a deranged killer holding her hostage--if you thought make-up sex was hot, you’ve obviously never witnessed “You just murdered and ate my friends in a shitty film parody” sex! As he is spewing pud-gunk, Roxy plunges a nearby knife into his leg and runs to safety (which I’d have probably done before servicing his dork in several different positions, but hey). After waking up in a hospital bed and being questioned by a “police investigator” for several minutes, she is promptly hacked to pieces as the director treats us to various shots of the sexy corpse—great, now I’m aware of the fact that I’m a necrophiliac.
Overall, I give this film a satisfactory 3 out of 5 Hand Callouses. The humor value is at just the right level where an unexpected laughing fit won’t force you to reset your masturbation session, but I felt they could have stayed a little truer to the originals, like maybe have the villain chase after the girl with her dead boyfriend’s cock draped over his own cock. “Quick, run while he’s trying to force it on there! Thank God your boyfriend was Asian!”
Keef's PORN STASH 3--Texas Vibrator Massacre Review finally, a remake done right
by Keith
Viewed: 9007 Times
Posted: 3.11.08
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The porn remake was called "Schindler's Fist".
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars