Well it’s about darned time the Finns hoisted their flag of shame here in the States. And what better way to do it than in the form of a belligerent Paganfest? The Euro version of the festival was clearly a huge success and not only did it prove that Finland is a metal powerhouse, but it allowed a ton of local acts like Heol Telwen and Bornholm to join the fun in Paris and Budapest. But European enthusiasm is to be expected and I honestly didn’t bank on a huge reaction here in Los Angeles. I mean, Suffocation and Immolation pulled a pretty meager crowd at the HOB last year and Ensiferum, as big as they are in Mulletsville, Scandinavia, aren’t exactly a household name in the U.S. So obviously I was pleasantly surprised that the show was virtually sold out. Eluveitie must’ve brought a small Swiss village with them because the crowd definitely had a Euro vibe, i.e. lots of shirtless, bearded fat guys. On the other hand, we’re talking about an all-ages gig at a place in Hollywood that rubs up against the slippery rear end of the West Side, otherwise known as Boy’s Town, so there were plenty of requisite scenesters and rabbles of uppity children roaming around the venue as if they had somewhere else to be.

There was also a large black man in attendance, which was totally cool but, frankly, he might as well have been a fucking cave troll. In yellow spandex. Hell, I was less conspicuous when I sat down for ribs and grits at Beans & Cornbread in Detroit a few years ago. I suppose it didn’t help that he was a punk rocker wearing a plaid jacket over tourniquet-tight jeans at a Paganfest. Of course we all know that Ensiferum, Turisas, and the rest of the ticket are not racist bands by any means, but let’s be realistic here. This tour is a celebration of pre-Christian Germanic/Scando culture and heritage that doesn’t include any bible-thumpers as surely as it doesn’t include any blacks. Because it’s a lot like Larping, though, as in it’s all a simulated event, the sole black dude and the three well-dressed, and possibly homosexual, Latinos hanging out in the back provided an interesting sort of post-historical humor to the whole ordeal. Sadly, there are followers and practitioners of this type of music who remain deluded racists. Apparently one of the Paganfest shows in Germany was almost cancelled due to fears that Ensiferum were Nazis. These unfortunate people come with the territory and only represent an insignificant and ugly portion of metalheads. Other than, you know, the literal ugliness of metalheads in general.

We got there just in time to catch Eluveitie from Switzerland. I hadn’t heard anything from their latest album prior to seeing them live but these guys seriously owned the show. Their immense stage presence is due mainly to the fact that they’ve got eight people jumping around, including two reasonably attractive females (a shocking rarity in the metal world, I know), a gargantuan front man sporting a dreadlock/male-pattern baldness combo who plays six different instruments, and a pair of tattooed twin Viking brothers! They’ve got bagpipes, hurdy-gurdies, fiddles, flutes, you name it, and they still manage to keep it totally metal. Even with everything happening it sounded clear and concise, probably because these people actually know how to competently play the array of instruments. Let me talk about the beer-fueled Kirder twins, though, because they are simply out-of-control awesome. Hopefully somebody in the movie industry was at the show because they’d be a huge hit as Rexor and Thorgrim in the eventual remake of Conan the Barbarian. How often do you get to see a pair of kickass twins in the same band anyway?

Next up were Tyr, the sword-swinging quartet from the Faeroe Islands charged with the difficult task of following Eluveitie’s impassioned performance. They failed to achieve. Not because they are bums, weaklings, or cowards, but because their primitive Viking hymns inspired few to rally in heroic battle cries and many to retreat to the bathroom or bar. They also don’t have any twins in the band. It’s not that they didn’t put on a decent show or chant a few catchy choruses, they just lacked the liveliness that your average barbarian horde needs to display in Hollywood. But they are island dwellers after all, and therefore unable to achieve on a level field of play.

If anything good emerged from Tyr’s performance it was Turisas, swathed in red warpaint and assorted pelts, vigorously sweating through the set like proper Vikings. You’d think it would get uncomfortable wearing all that shit on stage but Turisas are unrelenting in the historical accuracy of their cause, including a firm belief in slaying traitors. They also played a triumphant chain of material from The Varangian Way and readied the crowd for Ensiferum’s arrival. As far as I recall, the bands were using the same equipment (Peavy 5150 heads through Randall cabinets, which sounds hard as nails) so all Ensiferum had to do was string up their banner and go to war. I’m a pretty big fan of Victory Songs and Iron which they covered fairly well, but no “Slayer of Light?!!” It was a huge disappointment as it’s a trademark track and I’d somehow convinced myself they would close with it. Battle axes across the room were lowered in defeat. Swords were sheathed, arrows were quivered, the blood ran dry and the women went unmolested. On that note, I don’t think anyone would’ve minded if Ensiferum played a longer set seeing as how they were the headliners of the festival and all. They’re clearly the most aggressive and pillage-inducing band in the lineup and it would have been nice to revel in the drunken chaos for a bit longer. Aside from that I’ve got no real complaints. Turisas and Ensiferum rip it up live and will apparently be back next year for Paganfest part 2!! Hopefully Korpiklaani can stop herding reindeer long enough to come with them. Overall it was a great show despite the merch booth charging $30 for shirts and $20 for CDs. Thank Odin’s beard for eBay.