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Directed by Lee Tamahori

Written by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade

Starring
- Pierce Brosnan as Commander James Bond, 007
- Halle Berry as Jynx
- Toby Stephens as Gustov Graves
- Rosamund Pike as Miranda Frost
- Rick Yune as A Bad Ass with Diamonds Stuck in his Face

Jonny is not licensed to do much of anything

(See what Erich thinks)

Another day, another Bond flick. Let's just be honest, the series has been treading water for the last twenty-five years. Roger Moore did maybe two decent films (The Spy Who Loved Me being his high water mark) and the combination of Dalton/Brosnan has produced little but yawns. You still go and watch them because they are Bond films, but bad guys like Wayne Newton and Bond Girls like Denise Richards, as buxom as she might be, were poor, poor casting decisions. In these days of out of control computer graphics and product placements, it is doubtful that 007 will ever be as sophisticated, subtle and sexy as when Connery suited up for Goldfinger, From Russia With Love or Thunderball. Even the unloved (Yet massively underrated) On Her Majesty's Secret Service with Australian model/nobody George Lazenby manages to make the recent wake of Bond movies look like little else than XXX wannabes. And why anyone would want to look anything like that pile of shit is beyond me.

That said, Die Another Day is all right. More than half of the movie actually felt like a proper James Bond offering. There was some wit, some intrigue, and even some decent one-liners, all of which have been lacking from the last half dozen or so flicks. Plus, and I feel this is very key; Bond is driving a British Aston Martin again, and not a Kraut BMW. (True Dalton drove an Aston V8 in The Living Daylights, but that movie blew.) In true Ruthless fashion however, I am going to get the sucky and shitty parts out of the way first.

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What the hell was up with the computer graphics in Die Another Day? Remember how it looked when Christopher Reeves was flying around in the first Superman? Somehow, the CG guys managed to duplicate this exact imagery when James was para-surfing through icebergs while trying to escape from a giant space-based laser beam. There are so many things wrong with the last sentence, I can hardly get into it. However, apart from looking CHEESY, why the hell does James Bond have to get into extreme sports? Can't this be left to the Vin Diesels of the film world? And how long will it be before Bond chooses snowboarding over skiing? True that action has always been part of the Bond cannon, but how about a little taste? I mean, why have giant space lasers chase 007 in the first place? I guess after 20 movies, the notion of a decent plot sort of falls by the wayside. More importantly, how about a little subtlety, a little restraint? Also, that final scene where the airplane flies through the laser beam and everybody is fighting each other for twenty minutes not only looks terrible, but is so longwinded, unnecessary and ultimately boring I can't believe it made it into the film. I guess that's what happens when you spend your budget on billboards instead of writers.

Here is another example of the new, extreme Bond. At one point Bond catches up to the bad guy, Gustov Graves, at a London gymnasium and challenges him to a fencing duel. This is a classic Bond type sport. Something that only British Aristocracy and Renaissance Fair people would know anything about. As they fence away, James begins to get the upper hand. Not only that, he begins to confront Graves about his Icelandic diamond mine scam. This is a very cool and very classic Bond moment, almost reminiscent of when Connery would play a few hands with Blofeld in Monaco and James would confront the bad guy about his plans for world domination. Of course, in Die Another Day, Graves (the Bad Guy) pulls out broadswords and he and James proceed to hack and slash the club apart. Like I said, almost. The really weird part, is that for some inexplicable reason, Madonna is standing there (really), and neither of them even bother to take a swing at her. Hitchcock said it best; a bomb exploding under a table is surprise. A bomb ticking under a table is suspense. Unfortunately, often times in Die Another Day, they don't even bother with the table. You just have bombs going off again and again and again. And, Pierce Bronson is getting a little old. Clive Owen. Remember that name.

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Still though, there are some very good parts of this movie. The opening scene was incredible. Bond and the at-the-time bad guy are racing through the North Korean side of the DMZ in fully armed and fully armored hovercrafts, just blasting the shit out of each other. When Bond finally manages to kill (or does he...) the bad guy, he spits out his best one liner in perhaps a dozen movies. After a while, Bond goes off to Cuba where my favorite parts of the movie take place. We get treated to a little bit of the old cold war cloak and dagger world in which James Bond really came of age. It is interesting to note though, that communist countries are still being called out as hot spots of world peril instead of say Islamic terror states. I guess this is the price for having three-dozen product placements. People buy Pepsi in Lebanon, no matter their politics.

Cuba is also where Bond meets Jynx, one of the more interesting Bond Girls played well by Halle Berry. Ms. Berry actually marks the second appearance of a black woman as one of James' leading ladies (Grace Jones did it about twenty years ago in A View To A Kill. Still, I wonder why the director felt compelled to give Halle the same haircut as Jones?) As everybody in the free world knows by now, Jynx makes her entrance in Die Another Day emerging from the ocean barely clad in an orange bikini - a supposed homage to Ursula Andress' Honey Ryder in the first Bond film, the great Dr. No. As good as Halle's boobs and buttocks look, her flirtatious tête-à-tête with James is better. In retort to the classic, "Bond, James Bond" introduction, Jynx stares right at 007's crotch and says, "That's a mouthful." Ostensibly juvenile, sure, but Bond has been getting away with that line for 40 years. It was refreshing to see somebody call him on it.

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In my final summation, it is nice to see James getting his form back. He's drinking again, his womanizing, while nowhere near the proportions that Connery or even Lazenby achieved, is fun to watch. The Aston is back (Even if it does turn invisible), and so are some cool gadgets. Even though the plot was watery thin at points, it had enough exotic locals to keep me interested. If only the filmmakers could have gotten the message into their heads that Bond movies do not necessarily have to appeal to nine year olds, Die Another Day might have been great. In light of the fact that Die Another Day made about a gazillion dollars more than other recent Bond flicks, there is always the hope that the next one will regain the classic form. Mr. Owen, are you ready?

Ruthless Ratings:

• Overall: 6
• Direction: 5
• Acting: 7
• Story: 4
• Re-watchability: 5

Special Ruthless Ratings:

• Number of times you thought Pierce looked a little past his prime: 9
• Number of times you realized Judi Dench was a poor choice for M: 10
• Number of times you thought John Cleese was a poor choice for Q: 11
• Number of times you couldn't believe that they even bothered to put Madonna in the movie: 13
• Number of times you shook your head in wonder at what the fuck Michael Madson was doing in the movie at all: 23
• Number of times you thought Gustov Graves power-death glove and robot outfit were lame: Every time I saw them
• Number of times you creamed your pants at the sight of that beautiful Aston: 15
• Number of times you cringed when said Aston turned invisible: 5
• Number of time the oppressive soundtrack made you reach for your knife: 1 - The title track by Madonna blows big time. Also, screw Madonna. I hate her.
• Number of times you have thought about watching the first 7 Bond films since you saw Die Another Day: 45
• Number of times you have thought about watching the last dozen Bond films since you saw Die Another Day: 2

Erich is a little more Ruthless...

Yeah, I know it's a James Bond movie, but I can't resist making fun of some of the more glaring implausibilities in this film. The first half of the film is about how 007 infiltrates North Korea, is captured and tortured for more than a year, is recaptured by his own people, escapes, goes to Cuba, kills 900 people, and steals this diamond. He gives the diamond to a guy who sits in a law office all day and that guy is able to determine that it's chemical composition is identical to illicit diamonds from Sierra Lyon and that it bears the laser signature of this other guy who claims to have found diamond mines in Iceland. This is the key discovery of the film. Oh yeah, the preceding paragraph contains spoilers.

Here are two other methods that the British Secret Service could have used to obtain that information: (1) buy one of the diamonds and examine it; (2) look in the alleged diamond mine and see that it contained zero diamonds.

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Also, it's kind of funny how Q always gives bond three devices, a super watch, a super car and something that has a very specific purpose that turns out to be just what is needed. In this one, Bond gets a special ring that can break glass by making a high pitched noise. Sure enough, he finds himself about to be shot as he and a conversational shooter stand on a huge piece of glass. I can't wait for the next movie where Bond is given a fez that can send a signal that disables go-karts before discovering that he must infiltrate the Shriners.

Also, the whole corny/sexy pun/word play thing is strained well beyond the breaking point and most of the puns aren't funny. Are the scenes with Halle Berry supposed to be self-parody?

James: You're good.

Halle: I'm bad!

J: But bad can be good

H: And I'm sooooo good.

J: And yet, so bad.

H: But still good. Even after a long, hard day.

J: I have a large penis.

My final complaint is Madonna. To make matters worse, she's in this movie.

I actually had a pretty good time though. Like I said, it's a Bond flick. Some guy gets shot through the back of his head and out his mouth with a laser. Then they laser off his arm to use it for palm print identifications. There's tons of stuff like that and a cool henchman, this albino Korean with diamond shrapnel in his face.

Ruthless Ratings:

• Number of times you realized that they left in too many of Halle Berry's scenes just because she won that award: 5
• Number of times you thought Halle Berry's haircut made her look kind of like a klingon: 3
• Number of times you remembered Ursula Andress in Dr. No and cursed the human aging process: 5
• Number of times the oppressive soundtrack made you reach for a knife: 0 the much-maligned opening song is one of the better Bond songs for the simple reason that it isn't boring.

"Simpsons" Reference: The dialog between James and Halle reminds me of the time where Homer's talking to Ruth Powers, the Simpsons' divorced neighbor. She asks to be set up with one of their friends ASAP because, "after all, I have the usual appetites." H: "I hear ya. Just to be clear, we're not talking about food, right? R: No. H: I read you loud and clear. We're talking about sex, right? R: Yes.