In a June 26 speech today, given at the Knesset, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had this to say:

The Israel/ Palestine situation is one of the biggest moral quagmires of all time. Almost everything is shades of grey: who is responsible for the violence? Is it justifiable to shoot back at guys using kids as human shields? Is suicide bombing worse than helicopter airstrikes that kill civilians? Does Israel’s increased violence suppress the Intifada or increase it further? How much are the neighboring Arab states responsible for the Palestinians’ health and welfare? Which side is G-d on? Is one morally obligated to negotiate with people that one knows one can’t trust? What will we do when there are more Palestinians than Jews living in Israel? But amidst this huge and turbulent fog of unanswerable questions, there is one moral absolute: settlers are assholes.

That’s right. I don’t give a FUCK what it says in the torah about the temple of the rock or about the chosen people. Here’s what it says in MY torah: SETTLERS ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES THAT SMELL, SAYETH THE LORD. AND THEY GOT NO MAMA.

I mean, what else do you call someone who serves no purpose other than to stir up shit with the enemy? flout the law, and destroy any hope of reconciliation and equality. And that’s not ME talking, that’s THEM talking!

We kicked the Palestinians out of Israel and put them on little shanty-towns, and said, “ok, you guys at least can live here.” And then the settlers come in and say, “well, no,. Now that we think about it, we’re going to take THIS land too.”

Not only do they hate arabs, they also hate regular Jews–you know, the 98% of Israelis that AREN’T settlers. They hate us because we’re not a bunch of Moses Freaks and we don’t want to have a race-war by Tuesday. Somehow we’re not JEWISH ENOUGH. To them, we’re only good for one thing: saving their ass when their Palestinian neighbors decide to assassinate them a little. They’re all like, getting up in the arabs’ faces and being all ‘NANNY NANNY NYAH NYAHH!’ and expect US to take the consequences when the arabs get mad? Can you think of another country on Earth where the government would tolerate this bullshit?

Every day we spend like a million bucks, or sheckles or rubles, or whatever it is we use out here, we spend like a million of them guarding these little ungrateful fucks. Not only that but young Israeli army guys on ‘settler babysitting duty’ risk death all the time just so that settlers can yell ethnic slurs at their arab neighbors. Meanwhile, the religious nuts don’t have to put their kids in the army because Yahwey wants their precious little Moishe to study at Yeshiva all day. Suck my circumcised, Prime Ministerial shlong!! So it’s Hellenists dying to protect the fanatics from the conflict they’re trying so desperately to start. Because of the ‘Babysitting Patrol’, Palestinians know they can’t usually fuck with the settlers, so who do they kill instead? Regular Israelis! You know, US. The people who don’t have enough clout to have 4 Mossad agents walk us to school and back every day.

And, as if that weren’t retarded enough, they’re teaching their KIDS to be violent bigots too, AND using their kids as human shields. Let me explain about that: even if we didn’t want to protect the crazy adults, they know we are not going to stand by and let innocent kids get massacred by Palestinians. You cowardly fucks!! you hate Hamas? You’re acting just LIKE Hamas!! Not only the children-as-shields, but the ‘G-d is on our side’ and the ‘we can’t have 2 states or any compromise’ and of course the ‘dying makes me a fucking martyr’ complex. Am I forgetting anything? Oh yeah, their shared hatred for the 98% of Jews in Israel.

And what’s up with saying G-d wants all the Palestinians kicked out anyway? Back in the day, the super-orthodox Jews were saying Israel shouldn’t even exist because the torah says ‘yo, you can’t have Israel back until AFTER the messiah.’ Now they’re saying ‘G-d says Israel is SO BADASS we can’t share it with anyone’ well which is it, you cocks? It seems the only constant with you people is, you hate the Israeli government. Why don’t the settlers and the wait-for-the-messiah freaks just go in a little room and argue with EACH OTHER all day and leave the rest of us alone?? That would be so sweet; Professor Griff could be the moderator.

And when we try to take them off the settlements, they get all hectic and start fighting the cops. Fuck it! They don’t like the cops? Fine, we’ll take the cops away and let them do it themselves. Why should they, the Chosen People Squared, have to put up with the mean repressive cops?

That’s why, on Wednesday at exactly 11:38 AM, I’m pulling all the troops out of the Beth Shlamakel settlement on the Gaza Strip.

If you love your kids, send them back to Grandma’s house in Brooklyn, NOW. If you let your kids get martyred, then the whole world will know what a cowardly fuck you are. And to Hamas, Hezbollah, the PLO, and the other wanna-be Al Quaeda motherfuckers out there, let me say this: if you get all trigger-happy and start shooting our soldiers as they’re retreating, or killing kids that are getting sent to Grandma’s, then I won’t pull troops out of any more settlements, and it’s your fault. But if you act nice and save the slaughter until after 11:38, then I’ll keep pulling troops out of other settlements until there are none left. I’m explaining it nice and simple so you can hear it even if you have plastic explosives wedged into your ears.

Settlers want a war; Palestinians want to kill Jews, fine.
You assholes can go smoke each other.
Everyone’s happy.
Peace through violence.
I got news for you guys: you won’t last 5 minutes without us ‘stinking traitor Hellenists.’
Have fun meeting the G-d you love so much.

About Schultz