As we begin the dog days of summer, I’m fucking pissed. Then again, I ‘m usually in an advanced state of heart-pounding rage, so it’s hard to know if things really are any different. Still, in this June of a depressing election year, there are several issues that require your attention, primarily because you’re the assholes most likely responsible:

  • High fuel prices — Listen up you spoiled American pricks, we do not pay through the nose at the pump. Two whole dollars a gallon, you cry? Try London on for size, as their rate hit the $7 mark recently. From what I know, we have the cheapest gas prices in the industrialized world, but all anyone hears about is how those extra dollars per year will curtail travel, make the commute that much worse, and hurt those dimwitted soccer moms who have to run all over town taking their Hitler Youth to physical activity after physical activity. You could insist on not owning a gas-guzzling tank, but then you’d pull out the “freedom of choice” card, as if the bill of Rights conferred upon each citizen the duty to take giant shits on the environment we all must share. Or you’ll bring up ANWAR, as if saving a few pennies (which we wouldn’t at any rate, as the potential reserves are years away from having any effect) is worth butchering one of the few pristine landscapes left in this dirty, nasty country. And if I receive one more e-mail about boycotting the service stations, I’ll construct and send out the worst virus the internet has ever seen. If all that is preventing you from taking your hellish brood to Disneyworld is a few extra dollars to fill ‘er up, it’s time to admit that you are an ass-rimming miser and we’re better off without you.
  • Enron….Who Cares? — When there’s Janet Jackson’s tit, gay marriage, and John Kerry’s medal-tossing, the biggest corporate scandal in the history of the earth is small potatoes indeed. And with the recent release of secret tapes that reveal the depth of criminality, it continues to confound even the most jaded observer how Bush doesn’t have single digit approval ratings. Yes kids, the California energy “crisis” was entirely manufactured and manipulated by Enron, but thinking people knew this before the hapless Governor Davis lost his job for it. And to hear these suits and corporate goons mock the poor and lick their chops in anticipation of a Bush White House (complete with deregulation and unending fisting from Dubya to Ken Lay) is to witness the only evidence one needs for the soulless depravity that capitalism breeds. These fuckers ruined more lives than anyone in recent memory, yet each and every one of them will escape jail time. But when that scary black man comes to your neighborhood with joint in hand, you’ll be the first to call for a life sentence. For the children, of course.
  • Job Creation — If you are so inclined, you might want to look a little harder at the data that “proves” an economic recovery is at hand. So many jobs! But a simple cause and effect lesson will reveal that most of the jobs are a direct result of the Iraqi debacle. Defense-related industries are making a killing, which makes them little more than war profiteers. Manufacturing is up? Of course, for the killing machine needs grease, dear ones. Subtract those blood-soaked slots from the equation and what you are left with is what we would expect: low-paying, non-unionized, benefits-free service sector jobs with no hope, no security, and even less personal fulfillment. Wal-Mart remains the number one employer for a reason.
  • Sororities & Fraternities, Dens of Fascism — On its face, this might not have much to do with anything, but as my wife recently finished a book about these nasty little cliques, I felt inspired to roast that which has been a boil on my ass for at least a decade. Or maybe it’s because I know Dubya is a card-carrying member. At bottom, the question needs to be asked: what sort of person joins one of these groups? Simple. If you are a man, you want to get drunk and laid. If you are a woman, you want to get drunk and fucked. Outside of that obvious understatement, there is the perverse need to belong to something, which in a nutshell means that sorority sisters and fraternity brothers would be the first in line to banish individualism and bring about a uniform state of group-think, conformity, and military-style discipline. Order, you say, from groups that thrive on madness and chaos? Indeed. There is much revelry, but one must be automatically suspicious of anyone who insists that a secret handshake must remain a secret two decades after anyone gives a shit. Or contemptuous of anyone who would willingly submit to hazing rituals that emphasize homoeroticism, humiliation, pain, and masochistic Nazism. All that said, I just hate the fuckers who are churned out of these institutions, largely because they insist that they are in place to provide support, contacts, and business opportunities. Oh really? So, dear Suzie, what internship requires extensive tea-bagging and the ability to shove three cocks in your ass while weighing less than most children?
  • The Few, the Proud, the Dead — Even casual readers know that I loathe the military and its instruments of death, but I never tire of repeating it. As these self-righteous, pseudo-patriotic killers haven’t actually defended the cause of freedom since the end of World War II, I have no problem blasting everything they’ve done since. Do I really owe my freedom to what these people are doing around the world? Hardly. I would argue that I do more for the cause of American liberty with my $25 annual donation to the ACLU than entire regiments do in a lifetime. And by remaining informed, educated, and a voracious reader of our history, I have more on my side than some West Virginia dullard who may be able to blast an Arab at 300 yards, but would sit in stupefied silence when asked to explain anything of note prior to 1995. If we were really serious about sending “agents of democracy” around the world, we would require each and every recruit to take an extensive American History exam prior to firing a shot. Failure, and it’s back to the Wendy’s with you. Success, and you can enter that exclusive club of Americans who shout about freedom and democracy and can actually define the terms without consulting their Rush Limbaugh talking points. Mega Dittos, indeed