Comfortable and Furious



A huge part of the reason the Right has risen to dominance in American politics is their successful campaign to portray liberals as wimps; and themselves–by implication–as manly men. By their way of spinning things, Sean Hannity is a tough guy while Martin Sheen is a pussy. This is bullshit because the loudest people on the right are the biggest bitches in America. See, e.g. Michael “I Dig Skinny Dipping With Pedophiles, Man” Savage. The biggest reason for the triumph of this bullshit, however, is the Liberal Vagina.

Although he may or may not bare a vestigial pair of testicles, the Liberal Vagina is a henpecking bitch who went to college instead of church, the Peace Corps instead of the army and yoga classes instead of bars. Instead of fuming about how a sitcom with a gay character will mean the end of human procreation, (s)he fumes about how Governor Schwarzenegger’s “girly men” joke is a dire affront to the transgendered and “gender-challeneged.”

The primary concern of the Liberal Vagina is to pester and harass strangers into his notion of comportment. Although the Liberal Vagina is ostensibly concerned about issues relating to the equality of the races, sexes and sexual orientations, this is just a pretext to get his beak up your ass. He couldn’t tell you the different rates of incarceration for black and white drug offenders, but if a newscaster quotes a use of the word ‘nigger’ instead of childishly saying ‘the n-word,’ he is ready for war.

This rant was triggered by hilariously vagatastic string of absurdities on The author is a father trying to cope with the fact that his daughter enjoys pretending to be a Disney Princess.  Really; I am being 100% serious. He thought about that issue for tens of hours, even formed a kind of support group for similar parents, wrote an article for Salon and they published it. Again, this is a piece about the fact that his daughter likes to dress up as a fucking princess, which to him presents some sort of crisis. I await a follow-up about the horror of having a son who stands up to pee. “I know he didn’t see that kind of behavior in my house!”

The really striking thing about the article is the similarity in thinking to a fundie busybody who wants to ban sex education from school. Both peoples deny the realities of biology. The fundie thinks that by refusing to teach teens about safe sex, the kids can be prevented from doing so during the height of their fertility. The Liberal Vagina thinks that if you give your daughter a toy fire truck instead of a Barbie, she’ll wind up captain of the football team. Somewhere there’s a 16-year-old Mormon who’s only allowed to watch Disney films, while this schmuck is prohibiting his 6 year old daughter from watching them and, presumably, forcing her to sit through GI Jane..

The guy has some valid concerns. For example, he’s afraid of his daughter investing too much of her self esteem in her looks. Fair enough. But because of this concern, he becomes alarmed when she begins pronouncing herself to be a “beautiful princess.” This is at least as stupid as other parents being upset at their kids seeing Janet’s pastied tit for 3/8ths of a second. It’s fucking nature you assholes! Women have boobs and they like to feel pretty.

Being an unattractive woman is tough to deal with, of course. Probably about as hard as being a guy with a 2-inch dick, or one who can’t put on a condom without popping his cork. That doesn’t mean we can or should alter nature in attempt to fix it–so these things don’t matter. This notion is the spawn of the pussy-ass “everyone gets a trophy” mentality. If every girl can’t be beautiful, we should combat the very idea and practice of beauty. If I sound a little like Rush Limbaugh here, it’s not because I’m doped up. It’s because Liberal Vaginas are the ones who give Rush and other rightwing bitches fodder. You candy-asses are part of the reason that a retarded little coward like tWit is seen as a bigger, tougher dude than a decorated vet. Because you are associated with the vet.

Look Liberal Vaginas, until you accomplish the following set of goals, just fuck off because you are only making things worse.

  1. Go one month without calling someone a misogynist; realizing that simply calling someone a “cunt” or wanting to fuck a girl from behind doesn’t mean that one hates women..
  2. Go a week without calling someone a racist; you gots to realize that jokes about race and varying attitudes about racial politics are not necessarily the result of racial hatred.
  3. Buy a toy gun for a boy.
  4. Buy a Barbie for a girl.
  5. Sample at least 3 of the following pleasures without any feelings of shame or guilt: Laugh at a joke made at the expense of a race/ethnicity other than whites. Jerk off to barely legal porn. Ridicule someone behind his back for being fat, ugly or disabled. Call someone/be called a “bitch” during sex. Eat fois gras. And overpay for it.
  6. Watch a football game while swilling beer. Expect your wife/girlfriend to provide you and your buddies with greasy sustenance for the duration.  Question the heterosexuality of one of the athletes.
  7. Drink bourbon for lunch.