Comfortable and Furious



We Hate God Dads

After the news that Tony Dungy’s son James had died the first thing the sports’ media did was automatic; the old “What a great guy” bit. You know the drill: “There are three F’s in Dungy’s life: his faith, his family and then football in that order.”

I have a fourth: Fuck you.

Tony Dingy belongs to an exclusive club of big shots who completely fuck up as parents and try to bail out, using religion and public standing with people they don’t live with. They are in a unique position to use the media to magnify their own “humanity” and become sympathetic figures when they destroy a life that they were responsible for nurturing. Around him his kids look perfectly manicured and groomed, like show dogs. But no one ever sees the family doing normal shit like picking up groceries or having big barbecues in the backyard. Cause they don’t do normal shit. And if they do happen to do “normal shit,” someone in the family — usually dad — pulls some horseshit stunt like publicly praying for a stranger’s sick or dead relative in the middle of a supermarket (Dungy actually did this.). Backstage, apparently, things don’t run quite as smoothly. You know, like maybe dad cut the kid off for having a smart mouth. Maybe James embarrassed his old man with a myspace page filled with a ton of references to marijuana and how he identified with gangsta “culture?” Did little Jaime start calling dad out on his God Dad bullshit and actually ask that the old man really help him with his problems? Or was James suffering from a serious case of depression that went untreated because dad was too busy playing grab ass with a bunch of steroid cases that would be conducting home invasions if they were not playing football? Oh, did I mention that Dingy is a member of All Pro Dad, a complete clusterfuck organization that seems to pass itself off as a partner to shithole outfits like Promise Keepers and Families First?

The best part about these fucks is that they have ten points on how to be a good dad. It’s the usual boilerplate bullshit about eating dinner together and spending quality time with your kids. However, buried at number nine is a major caveat: Loving and worshipping God. For reals. You can’t be a good dad, unless you’re a God dad. The beauty of being “God Dad,” is that no matter what, you are supposed to love Jesus: believe in God and your ass is covered. All your problems will be solved if you read the Bible, allowing you to circumvent such hurdles as thought, reason and fact; parenting and responsibility. Are you having trouble at school? Well, study and pray. Having trouble with girls? Abstain and pray. Feeling down and depressed because you’re a teenager with raging hormones and not quite fitting in? Read your Bible, avoid girls, pray and don’t watch TV during dinner. My son just hung himself from a ceiling fan? I followed rule number nine. Good parenting is easy! Oh, and the group is so committed to its members and spokesmen that they have not had the decency to take down the Tony Dingy bio that says that his oldest son still accompanies his father on the sidelines at home games. It’s not like Dingy is schooled in Santerian voodoo, because if he was, Peyton Manning’s zombified testicles would show up to critical games. So we’re pretty sure James’ sideline prop days are over.

As a rebuttal to the All-Pro Dads ten point plan, here’s the official Ruthless Tony Dingy 10-Point Plan to being a good father in the public eye..

  1. Have as many kids as possible. The more children you have, the more photo ops you get. The press laps up cute, little toddlers. Stretch out the child bearing years as long as possible. The more young ones you have around, the more people will coo at them and say nice things to you in front of them. It worked for JFK. Besides, you can faithfully practice the Christian ideal of fucking only for procreation much more easily once your wife’s snatch is stretched out bigger than one of Gravedigger’s tires.
  2. Tell funny anecdotes to the press about how you drive your kids to school, eat dinner with them every night and put them to bed yourself. No need to back it up, just saying you are a dad who cares is enough. No one will think you’re full of shit for one instant even though NFL head coaches work approximately 100 hours per week during the regular season. Remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  3. Let everyone know you’re a man’s man and a role model to boot. Say things like, “I’m just a God fearing man” and “We gotta’ take things one at a time.” That makes you sound smart and humble to the American ear. Never let on that in reality you’re too stupid to say anything else. Remember, it’s all about appearance. Say the right things and, like Dungy, people will believe you are smart even if your head is the size of an apple.
  4. Be nice to everyone in the press. Never turn down an interview. If you have to cancel, give some line about how you’ll make it up to the reporter. Next time you see him, fill his notebook with cliché’s — they love that. Watch said reporter melt and tell everyone how great a guy you are. Comes in handy if a family problem comes up. If your wife ever calls the cops after a domestic dispute, you’ll need all the good press you can get. You may not beat your wife today, but it’s always good to cultivate good relations just in case you catch her reading or thinking tomorrow.
  5. Pretend that your kids come first. Make showy public appearances where you know cameras will be present and make sure to hug the kids in front of the cameras. Nothing says “great guy, great dad” like photo ops at amusement parks and staged shoots for fundamental Christian groups.
  6. Tell everyone that you make it to all of your little girl’s ballet recitals. Before doing so, however, threaten your little girl by telling her Santa won’t come this year if she tells someone that daddy doesn’t know how old she is.
  7. Order your oldest son to be on the sidelines during home games. No matter how bad things are at home, the camera will provide perfect cover for you. Put a team hat and jersey on the kid, give him a clipboard and make sure NFL Films gets plenty of shots with the both of you in close proximity of each other. Nothing says “I love you” like bringing your kid to work and then ignoring him.
  8. Whenever someone asks you about your successful career, refer to your parents’ guidance and how much you love them. Every time you do that, reporters start ooo-ing and ah-ing like porn stars. Remember, you’re cultivating an image here and nothing beats “I love mom and dad.” Also, say shit like, “I support the troops” in times of distress.
  9. Suck God’s galactic dick every chance you get. Nothing cleans off the stench of being a closeted cold-hearted bastard better than the warm jizz from the Lord’s cock.
  10. When your son hangs himself from a ceiling fan, do your best to conceal it from the press. This is where all your hard work pays off. Watch as the press rushes out to protect you from criticism and not one person suggests (publicly) that maybe you should have spent a little more time listening to your kid — who was more than likely suffering from a severe case of depression — instead of trying to win silly kid’s games.