Games in 2014: The Next Circle of Hell

It’s all over. We are living in hell and there is no escape. The exits are sealed and the four horsemen of the apocalypse just rode into town. It was never suppose to be like this. We were suppose to be better than our fathers, who burned society to the ground for their own greed. My generation was tasked with saving the world, changing it for the better, but we have failed already. Our inheritance hasn’t even been given to us and and we’ve already proven that we cannot be trusted. Just look at the state of video games for the evidence. This is our fault, we did this to ourselves, and 2014 will be our undoing. May God forgive me of my sins because I can’t forgive myself.

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Your New Best Friend

Game reviewers have failed us all. They had the simple task of telling us when games were garbage. That’s all they really had to do when it comes right down to it. Hey, game sucks, don’t buy it, the end. Turns out reviewers are a cancer slowly killing the industry for their own survival. An expanding blackness  and contaminates all it touches. The amount awards given to Gone Home is a crime against humanity. You rummage through your house, find out your sister is a lesbian, and that’s it. Since when did that amount to a quality game? It is 2014 and some white people in Portland–one of them even has dreadlocks–are going to tell everybody to check their privilege with some garbage adventure game. So of course the gaming press instantly fell over themselves to see who could act like the biggest social justice warrior by giving the game high scores and awards. Because it is easy to act like you are changing society for the better when you don’t actually have to go out in the real world to do it. You can’t change the world with Twitter hashtags. Just talk about how emotionally moved you were by Gone Home while never talking about how the game actually plays because that clearly doesn’t matter in video games anymore.

You know a better game than Gone Home in every aspect? A little game called Papers, Please. A simple puzzle game where you play an immigration officer who decides who gets to come in the country and who does not. The game is cold and unforgiving. You better make some money because your kid is sick and the rent is due. If someone is trying to smuggle medicine across to help sick people, do you let it slide or not? You’d be helping people but you would also be taking money out of your pocket because that is illegal contraband. The game constantly throws stuff like that at you which makes decisions hard. You see, Papers, Please isn’t about lesbians and we all know how much Republicans hate gay people so lets give undue praise to the game that has a girl running off to see the person she cares about because that is sure to stick it to the man! That is how bad the game reviewers have failed consumers this past year and 2014 will only get worse. It will probably end with some of them dying off anyway. The 1990’s are not coming back and I don’t think some of them will be able to take it anymore. A string of drug overdoses wouldn’t surprise me at this point based on how some of these guys act on Youtube. Things are not going to get better, that’s for sure and if we are lucky, the money will run out and all of these guys will be forced to do something constructive with their lives like riding on the back of garbage trucks. Not all the blame can be on them though.

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Average Republican

This past year was the year consumers finally just stopped caring and, in 2014 everything will collapse and we won’t have to wait for Fallout 4 because we’ll all be living it. Though many defend it, companies selling  incomplete games is a joke. Companies realized after some high profile Kickstarters that releasing a finished product is for suckers. Right now you can go on Steam and buy what is called an Early Access game. What that is, is an unfinished game where people pay to be testers for it. When are these games going to be finished? Who knows, but apparently these games are review safe due to them being in beta or is some cases alpha. Hey, I don’t make the rules for reviewing games; that’s Activision’s job. This is absolute madness. You really can’t fault publishers and developers on this either if you think about it. This is entirely the consumers fault that this is an acceptable practice. So please stop buying half finished games. This isn’t supporting the little man when Steam gets a cut so that argument doesn’t hold water. While we are at it, stop giving EA money. I don’t give a rat’s ass what your favorite sport is. If you give this company money, you’re just part of the problem. When PS4 launched I decided to try Battlefield 4 this go around and got screwed over for it. Battlefield got rushed out the door and the online portion was junk and it was a major task just get in to a game. SimCity also hit this year. It had to be online at all times, which I believe was a first in this series. People bought a game and then couldn’t play it whenever they wanted because there was no offline mode. Besides, instead of buying sports games, you all should have been buying Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance because you just can’t beat a good cyborg ninja.

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But We Didn’t

God, it is depressing just thinking about 2014. I fully expect someone to go on stage at E3 and just take a big shit and call it Halo 5. And the crowd goes wild! We’re all dead but we just don’t know it yet. By the end of the year we’ll be buying games that consist only of title screens off of Steam and console games where you have to pay five bucks just to save your game. There’s no turning back from any of this so everybody better hold on tight and hope you don’t feel anything when the bomb hits and wipes everything you ever cared about off the face of the Earth. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore and it’s probably for the best. My generation is going to destroy video games and then target schools in foreign countries with missiles when we get older. I don’t think I can deal with this anymore. I probably just need to get laid.