October 2004:

“Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!”
—George Carlin

Jonny is going to get lynched…

If President tWit is going to claim that God wants him to be president, than I going to blame motherfucking God for the insane mess we find ourselves in today. Now, obviously, as any Ruthless Reader knows, I not only don’t believe in “God,” but I also deny “his” existence. And, if it turns out God does exist, then he is still the Cocksucker for the Month of November, 2004. However, in actuality, it is the belief in God that is sucking the most cock right about now.

Look at the above map I scanned out of the LA Times this morning. It shows a county by county breakdown of who voted for whom in the election. Holy Christ, what a bunch of assholes! Now, have a look at this little blow up below. Nebraska, Kansas and Oklahoma… How effing depressing! I mean… yo, fuck those places. If you ever have a swath of land that large with NO difference of opinion, something is seriously fucking wrong! It’s like Saddam Hussein getting 100% of the vote. Doesn’t EVERYBODY see that? One political party within a continuous geographic landmass equals Soviet Russia! And, besides their white-cracker asses, giant guts, ignorance and proximity to WalMarts , what do these “folks” (more like völkisch) have in common with one another? An undying, unthinking, never-wavering, uber-resolute love of Jesus.

I would like to now pause for a second and talk about your appendix, if you still have it. The appendix is this weird organ that is like a side-channel between the small and large intestine. No one is really sure what it does, though most scientists are pretty sure that our ancestors used the appendix to store small rocks in order to grind down foods before our stomachs had developed really potent enzymes. Anyhow, much like the foreskin after the invention of pants–or ex-girlfriends–the appendix is totally useless nowadays. There’s even a cool word for things like that; vestigial. It means still hanging around, but no longer useful. Sort of like–I mean exactly like–God, the most vestigial concept in existence.

However, as we all know, the appendix, while contributing nothing positive and really just taking up space, can indeed malfunction and kill us. Before I carry on with this rather obvious metaphor, let me pause again, this time to talk about a genetic basis for spirituality. There’s an interesting book out called, The God Gene by Dean Hamer. Basically he posits (and I agree with him) our brains evolved in such a way that the capacity for spiritually, or “God,” had a positive evolutionary benefit. Our ancestors who lacked this ability to think spiritual thoughts were at a disadvantage and were killed off/bred out of the population. This is why 98% of humanity believes in something that doesn’t exist–it made sense way back when. Especially because things like earthquakes, floods, lightning, death, reproduction and famine certainly didn’t. And much like the appendix served a distant cousin of ours really well millions of years ago, spirituality–God and Jesus and Allah and all that mystical mumbo-jumbo–isn’t doing anybody any good in 2004. In fact, it is really beginning to hurt us. And hopefully with gene-therapy we’ll be able to remove this pesky gene(s) (VMAT2, among others) once and for all and finally free mankind from the yoke of nonsense. While I agree with NoMeansNo on this issue (“nonsense is better than no sense at all”), we now have science, and science is really rad.

Let’s look at two days ago. tWit’s re-election. Number one biggest issue for Bush-supporters? Why of course, gay marriage! To re-iterate much of what Matt Cale said in his post-election analysis, we are currently bogged down in an un-winnable war that is costing us billions of dollars; high-paying, union manufacturing jobs are disappearing almost altogether and are being replaced by shittier, lower-paying service type jobs; the environment is about to die as evidenced by the frightening warming of the artic as well as an 80% reduction in the worldwide krill population over the last thirty years (just to name a few); the Bill of Rights is being flushed down the toilet; corporate scandals aren’t even being investigated–the litany is essentially endless–yet the common man is worried about gay marriage, and abortion. Insanity!

As a species, we need to cut “God” out like a cancer. Think about the above for a second. Without religion, what leg would people have to stand on concerning an issue like gay marriage? With the exception of cruelty and homophobia, none! Eleven states had ballot initiatives dealing with (outlawing) gay marriage and every single one of them passed overwhelmingly. Now of course, the American people are a cruel bunch, and we are allowed to hide our cruelty behind the all-too encompassing shield of religion. Serious, ask any religious person about homosexuality and they will bring up negative commandments (“thou shall not”) to explain why they are against not only gay marriage, but also gays in general. And then you have pussy-ass Democratic leadership like Kerry and Edwards who pander to the un-washed slobs saying shit like while they are for gays, they are against gay marriage but against a constitutional amendment to outlaw gay marriage, but for civil unions. That makes a lot of sense, you dicks. Again, pull religion out of the equation, and not only will you see what a duplicitous tool Kerry is, but you will see that President tWit is a gay-hating asshole, among numerous other faults.

I am not going to be so arrogant and say that I am not affected by my own genetics. While the “God Gene” (much more likely a series of genes) seems to be turned down low in my person, the “Wow, do I want to pound her ass!” gene is essentially out of control. Back when I was studying religion (more truthfully, flirting with Orthodox Judaism–I was confused…) we came across a very interesting passage in the Talmud. Essentially, it said that un-married men were to be considered insane, as the constant hunt for pussy (my phrasing, not theirs) will render all other pursuits secondary. As the Talmud is written by man, for man, I have no problem endorsing this as ABSOLUTELY true. I am a mental case, and if I could somehow switch my sex-drive off, I would get ten times as much accomplished, at least! And since we are essentially nothing more than electric-meat, I understand my insatiable thirst for vagina-juice comes from a combination of genes fighting their asses off to propagate my bloodline. Similarly–no, identically–religious people are not able to concentrate on what truly matters because their genes are telling them to believe in and worship a superman living in outer space with absolute power, no cash and a sick fascination with how we use our genitalia, instead of what is actually important; chiefly, economic justice.

The best book I have read recently, and one that I advocate for often is, Thomas Frank’s What’s The Matter With Kansas? In one of the later chapters, Frank talks about how religious nut jobs–who are apparently real common in Kansas–are not only taking over the state’s political apparatus, but are doing so without economic compensation.. These folks’ insane love of Jesus (and all-consuming hatred of abortion) is causing them to work very hard to “redistrict” the political landscape, but all their effort really only benefits the already wealthy by providing regressive tax cuts. And the kicker is, THEY DON’T CARE. The deeply religious don’t want any money for their efforts because there is no use for money in heaven! Insanity, pure and simple insanity, and it is brought about, fostered and trumpeted by religion.

Honestly, look at history. Since the dawn of time, the poor masses have coveted what the rich minority have. This phenomenon is called “class-war,” a term and a way of life that is the basis of existence for most of the world, but one that has been largely scrubbed clean from what passes as our public discourse. Again, the way it has always worked is that the poor covet the rich and aspire to be them, and the rich hate the poor and live behind big walls and gates. In bizzaro-land, I mean in the USA, this has been totally flipped on it’s head. Don’t get me wrong. The rich still love their money–they ain’t giving it away and they are getting richer. But culturally speaking, the rich covet the poor! “Hey, you have to work three jobs to feed your kids while I sit on my boat collecting dividends, but man, that Jeff Gordon can really drive his car in circles! Wanna go line-dancing?” Worse still–several orders of magnitude worse–is that the poor support the rich!! What the fuck? Look at the map–most of the country (and most of the country is very poor) supports unprecedented tax cuts for the wealthy, tax structures that reward job outsourcing, offshore tax dodges, deregulation of everything public… This bizarre pattern of the poorest supporting and subsidizing the wealthiest is mind-blowing. Numbing in fact–unprecedented. The glue that now apparently binds the haves to the have nothings? Religion.

As with all of human history, it is the construction and maintenance of fictitious enemies–be they Satan, Rosicrucians, Moors in Jerusalem thousands of miles away, Communists, “the Jews,” liberals, terrorists, etc.– that allows the common man to consciously work against his own economic self-interest. While not the sole cause, “God” is the biggest catalyst for this bullshit. Again, the American people have just re-elected the worst leader possible because they are worried about “moral values”–gay marriage, abortion, evolution, prayer in school–all pecadillos that would instantly vanish if the lie of “God” were removed. However, since that lie is firmly in place, look for your paycheck to continue shrinking, the cost of everything to continue rising, the middle class to evaporate and the gap between rich and poor grow to epidemic proportions until finally the beautiful experiment that was America turns completely into a Christian Iran–for how will our masters continue to maintain control without religion infecting everything? Marx was no dummy when he called religion the masses’ opiate–a drug that temporarily makes you feel fine but ultimately only masks the pain of life and expedites your demise . Gene therapy my friends, gene therapy. God = Cocksucker.


[Hollywood Euro writes…]

Hey guys,

This is a dark moment in history so I thought I’ll use my time writing you a line or two, just because it’s too revolting to step out of my apartment and face this fuckin’ country. I enjoy reading your rants and reviews now and then, but this time I’m forced to respond to your November cocksucker of the month award. There’s clearly a typo somewhere since it’d be like giving it to Santa. I mean, why waste such a coveted prize for somebody who doesn’t exist in the first place? Plus it’s ridiculous in the year 2004 to read somebody that still needs to state that there’s no god. I thought Nietzsche, to name the brightest one, made that point clearly enough 120 years ago. So do you really think a single religious fuck out there is going to listen to you? Which leads me to my second complaint: it’s obvious that these people are delusional, there’s no need for a “gene theory” that frankly is as valuable as an explanation for why do kids believe in the Easter bunny. There’s no gene to guide them, it’s only ingenuousness, as you notice that belief goes away when they grow up, unless they’re retarded. Now, with no offense intended to the retarded community, isn’t it clear that these “rural” voters have some serious problem with their synapses and prefer to believe in a make believe world? In this world not only god exists and wants them not to touch their dicks, but also Saddam was linked with Al quaeda, Iraq owned WMDs, and their cousin are good for procreation. I mean, shouldn’t these 59 millions dumb motherfuckers deserve your award? Or better, shouldn’t this whole nation deserve it? Also because of the position it’s assuming globally, I mean, it’s practically already on its knees and China and Europe are unzipping their pants, so the cocksucking award is right on the nose (and something else too). I’m thinking you’re possibly saving them for a cocksucker of the year award, but then again why waste a good November designation when there are so many others to pick from way better than some fantasy man/presence/force/turd in the sky. Well, that’s it, this rant comes from a “foreigner” to this country who’s lived here for more than a decade and is appalled by the re-election of a brain dead bigot, and is sadly considering a 4 years leave of absence.

[Jonny responds…]

Uh, like, yeah man, you are right. Totally and absolutely right. 12 months in a year though, so stay tuned. Also, ther will be a Cocksucker of the Year and no, it won’t be who you think.

More Feedback

[Ron O. writes…]

Just read your rant about God being Cocksucker of the Month….

I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an intelligent, emotional and well-argued case for the elimination of this ridiculous superstition called Religion anywhere!!

well done!!

[Jonny responds…]

Thanks man. Though I should point out that God is punishing me right now for my blasphemy with a Texas-sized hangover. Stupid God. Making me drink nine Manhattans…