New England At NY Jets +3.5
I like Rex Ryan. I think heÂd be great to have a beer with. I think after eight or nine or 15 with him IÂd think I could kick Ray LewisÂs ass. I swear to fuck, IÂd also fully believe that my team with a rookie quarterback that won fuck all last year would be able to embarrass the Patriots (who won 11 games with a guy who last played in high school) in my home opener. Not beat them, but fucking jack them up! IÂm gonna knock their teeth in, make them remember me, and get to Brady more than six times by playing hard and clean through to the whistle because IÂm not there to kiss BelichickÂs ring even though they have the better coach and quarterback. Jesus, IÂm fucking drunk. Pats by a lot.
If there’s a rivalry out there about which I could care less than Pats/Jets, I certainly haven’t heard of it. When I heard last year that Favre was going to the Jets, my first thought was, “Who the fuck are the New York Jets?” My next thought was, “Why does New York have three NFL teams?” It would be easier to pick the Jets to cover and possibly win if Mark Sanchez had more than one game of NFL experience. I suppose New England will probably win when the Jets hand them a late special teams error on a silver platter, but I do think the Jets cover in a close one.
This is why I hate picking games in week 2. What does a Jets victory over Houston mean? Is Houston actually a good team worthy of the sleeper hype they were getting this offseason, or was the Jets win completely meaningless because the Texans suck just as much ass as they always have? Is Sanchez going to pull a Matt Ryan this year, or did he just get lucky in his first week? What about Brady struggling to get the Pats into the end zone and throwing that absurd pick? Is that an aberration, or a sign of things to come? How good are the Bills? The solution to this problem is to just admit that you learned nothing from week 1 and pick the games as though they were openers, and I don’t think anyone would have taken the Jets getting 3.5 in week one. Also, this line opened at 6 and has moved due to everybody loading up on the Jets, and when the general public really gets behind one team, that’s not usually a good sign.
Pittsburgh At Chicago +3
Fuck me in the ass, IÂm Jay Cutler. My best wide receiver is Devin Hester, Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a dislocated wrist, and my line couldnÂt stop the PackersÂ pass rush because Orlando Pace is so old and bad the Rams released him. But we signed him. By the way, thanks for not signing Hank Baskett off the waiver wire and leaving me with this bunch of retards. Fuck this, I am going to throw the ball so hard on every pass that I break every receiver’s hands by halftime.
Durrrrr, which defensive injury is more significant, Brian Old Spice or Troy and Shoulders? Actually, these injuries have an interesting offsetting effect on this game. The way to contain Roethlisberger is to blitz his face region for the majority of the game, which is trickier without your anchor linebacker. And Polamalu’s injury should serve to open up Cutler’s passing game. Here’s what’s going to happen: Cutler is going to throw three touchdowns to Greg Olsen and Ruthlessburger is going to be sacked at least five times. Chicago covers.
Going by my Âpretend it’s week oneÂ logic, I’m taking the Steelers, since I took the Packers over the Bears last week and I’m pretty sure the defending champs are better than Green Bay. I guess the Polamalu thing makes me a little nervous, but… fuck it. That is the kind of expert, reasoned analysis you get here at Ruthless Reviews.
NY Giants At Dallas -3
Ever since Tony Romo dropped Jessica Simpson and went back to men his passer rating has gone through the roof. It will go even higher this week. Over the last three years heÂs taken the Giants for 12 touchdown passes in the regular season. Yes, he hasnÂt won a playoff game, a must-win regular season game, or any game that matters ever, but this is September and this is when Romo plays like a champ. The only chance the Giants have is if Brandon Jacobs can stomp all over DallasÂ defense and Todd Flanders can figure out which of his receivers is as reliable as Plaxico Burress is stupid. My heart says Giants, my gut says Dallas, my head says that Dallas is overrated, and my wallet says Dallas.
I have to think this spread is purely home screen advantage. I understand that Romo’s QB rating was like 700 last week, but the Cowboys beat an extremely questionable Tampa Bay team, and now Romo has a hyper-extended taint or some shit, so I’m not buying this spread at all. No sir. Giants.
I’m taking Dallas. The Giants are just… not good. Dallas may very well suck, too, but I don’t KNOW they suck, and they’re at home. I still refuse to believe Eli Manning isn’t retarded. I will never get over Super Bowl 42. Fuck you, Eli Manning.
Indianapolis At Miami +3
Last year was not an aberration. Miami really was that good, though it took a lot of luck, resourcefulness, and a play package from 1924 to get them over the hump. However, since they did not significantly improve anywhere, they will get stomped by the Colts. All the talk about Tony Dungy retiring doesnÂt matter because Rod Flanders calls the plays anyway and heÂs better at it than 99 percent of the coaches in the NFL. Take the Colts big.
I swear to god, if I hear the word wildcat 30 or 40 more times, I’m going to purse my lips and be somewhat annoyed. Atlanta’s defense supposedly had some question marks against the run and they essentially shut out the grrr-scratch offense of Miami, save a garbage time TD. I think Indy is better than Atlanta, so I think Indy will cover this spread.
Look, Miami put together an impressive run last season, but these overachieving teams with no talent can never keep it up for more than one year, and Miami is pretty fucking talentless. Also, um… they are playing the Indianapolis Colts. I know they lost Marvin Harrison and his gun collection and Tony Dungy and his dead son collection, but I’m sure they will still win 12-14 games and stomp the shit out of teams like the Dolphins pretty reliably, just like they always do. 3 points? Nucca, please.
1. Sax (3-1)
2. Tony (2-2)
3. Dick (2-2)